Not sure what the right thing to do is here....

[Uptown182]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

We have had a lot of men here in sexless marriages and whilst one stock answer given by other posters is for him to find sex elsewhere.
Forget the wife, go find some other woman, or even pay for it. 
But whilst many men do want sex,  they often just want sex with their wives, they want her to want him again... they don't really want some other woman...  

I had asked a few times and he told me he hadn’t been attracted to her in years.  I knew he still cared for her, but I thought it was in the sense that she’s the mother of his children.  He told me hadn’t though about her in a sexual since their youngest child was born.  
 

I just don’t see going through the hassle of an official divorce if you still want to be married.  He pays her a huge alimony and child support, plus she got the condo and a big settlement.  Who would go through that if you’re unsure?

[Uptown182]

28 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

This makes sense why he didn’t introduce you to the kids yet. And honestly it’s not you, it’s him. He’s not ready to be in a new relationship. But he should be a man and end it in a gentlemanly way, not ignore you. Sorry this happened to you.

You’re right deep down I knew he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, but every time I would even mention something remotely to that affect he would insist he was.  

[SummerDreams]

I'm sorry to say but it's a mistake to get in a relationship with someone with that much baggage. Relationships are hard even when there are no divorces, kids, financial problems etc. I'd say, you dodged a bullet. You learnt sooner rather than later that he doesn't take you that seriously. I bet he and his ex-W thought that it's best that he lives with them for this period rather than move the kids from their house to his house and back all the time. He is a liar and a coward but guess what; you are the one who is free to date someone better while he will remain prisoner of his ex-W and his financial obligations to her. She did a good job having kids with him so he has to pay her for a very long time.

[Uptown182]

2 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

I'm sorry to say but it's a mistake to get in a relationship with someone with that much baggage. Relationships are hard even when there are no divorces, kids, financial problems etc. I'd say, you dodged a bullet. You learnt sooner rather than later that he doesn't take you that seriously. I bet he and his ex-W thought that it's best that he lives with them for this period rather than move the kids from their house to his house and back all the time. He is a liar and a coward but guess what; you are the one who is free to date someone better while he will remain prisoner of his ex-W and his financial obligations to her. She did a good job having kids with him so he has to pay her for a very long time.

Yes, I had family and friends who kept telling me he has too much baggage.  But for whatever reason I just fell for him.   I know I dodged a bullet but it’s still hard for me to believe how little he thought of me to just disappear like that, I don’t care what the reason was, there’s no excuse for it, after 7 months. 

[SummerDreams]

8 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Yes, I had family and friends who kept telling me he has too much baggage.  But for whatever reason I just fell for him.   I know I dodged a bullet but it’s still hard for me to believe how little he thought of me to just disappear like that, I don’t care what the reason was, there’s no excuse for it, after 7 months. 

He will probably reappear after all this is over so be careful.

[Uptown182]

3 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

He will probably reappear after all this is over so be careful.

Hope he does so I can tell him where to shove it!  And that’s the only reason I’d want him to contact me.  I now have no desire to go back to him, he’s not who I thought he was.  

[Cookiesandough]

Good for you, Uptown! It’s typically someone’s inclination to forgive and forget after these instances. Sounds like you have a healthy outlook. I’m sorry this happened though. He is cowardly and doesn’t know how to handle his biz 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Uptown182 said:

He told me hadn’t though about her in a sexual since their youngest child was born.  

That is slightly unusual.
Seems to me it is usually the woman  that shuts down the sex after kids come along.

[Uptown182]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That is slightly unusual.
Seems to me it is usually the woman  that shuts down the sex after kids come along.

Yes she did, and then he said eventually he didn’t want her anymore either.

[Uptown182]

23 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Good for you, Uptown! It’s typically someone’s inclination to forgive and forget after these instances. Sounds like you have a healthy outlook. I’m sorry this happened though. He is cowardly and doesn’t know how to handle his biz 

I mean doesn’t make it hurt any less right now.  But I know I can’t go back with him, I’d never trust him again.  I wouldn’t be able to forgive this, especially doing something like this to me in the midst of what is going on in the world right now.

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Yes she did, and then he said eventually he didn’t want her anymore either.

So that was it for their sex life and they never did it again?

[elaine567]

47 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

...especially doing something like this to me in the midst of what is going on in the world right now.

Yes he seriously let you down there.

[Cookiesandough]

I understand. You will mourn and then move on and meet someone better. I think him blaming it on coronavirus was a chump thing to do. Coronavirus takes enough blame 

Edited April 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Uptown182]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So that was it for their sex life and they never did it again?

Yup that’s what he told me.  I questioned him, but his response was why would he lie about that, it’s a pretty embarrassing thing to admit. So I believed him, but who knows now? I don’t believe anything he said anymore. 

Edited April 8, 2020 by Uptown182

[Malin889]

2 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

I'm sorry to say but it's a mistake to get in a relationship with someone with that much baggage. Relationships are hard even when there are no divorces, kids, financial problems etc. I'd say, you dodged a bullet. You learnt sooner rather than later that he doesn't take you that seriously. I bet he and his ex-W thought that it's best that he lives with them for this period rather than move the kids from their house to his house and back all the time. He is a liar and a coward but guess what; you are the one who is free to date someone better while he will remain prisoner of his ex-W and his financial obligations to her. She did a good job having kids with him so he has to pay her for a very long time.

I don't like the word "baggage". SO many people are divorced, have kids, pay alimony/child support, and they don't act this way, and they respect their new relationship and would never treat somebody like this. I think this guy is obviously a coward who can't figure out how to say what he feels or who can't figure out how to end it (not sure if he's just taking a break or ending it), so he ghosts the person.

Think about what you want, and try to get him out of your mind. I know it'll be tough because you're stuck inside with not much to do, and it's not like you can start a new relationship during these times. But do all you can to get your mind off him. 

And yes, like another poster said, he probably will come back. But hopefully at that time, you'll be emotionally moved on and won't care about him anymore. 

[SummerDreams]

34 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

I don't like the word "baggage". SO many people are divorced, have kids, pay alimony/child support, and they don't act this way, and they respect their new relationship and would never treat somebody like this.

But I never said he acted like this BECAUSE he has baggage. I said that it's not ideal that a person without such obligations chooses someone who does have them. I know it doesn't sound nice but please tell me, isn't it unfair that one person of the couple has other priorities and other people to spend their time - attention - money etc with and the other person is totally free of all that and they can commit fully to the relationship?

[Malin889]

22 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

But I never said he acted like this BECAUSE he has baggage. I said that it's not ideal that a person without such obligations chooses someone who does have them. I know it doesn't sound nice but please tell me, isn't it unfair that one person of the couple has other priorities and other people to spend their time - attention - money etc with and the other person is totally free of all that and they can commit fully to the relationship?

No, I don't think it's unfair. Both people know what they are getting into, it's not like he twisted her arm into entering a relationship with him. And just because a person is single and without an ex or kids, it doesn't mean they are "Free" and can "Commit fully to the relationship". A lot of single people have "baggage" as well, that don't include an ex or kids. 

[Uptown182]

26 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

But I never said he acted like this BECAUSE he has baggage. I said that it's not ideal that a person without such obligations chooses someone who does have them. I know it doesn't sound nice but please tell me, isn't it unfair that one person of the couple has other priorities and other people to spend their time - attention - money etc with and the other person is totally free of all that and they can commit fully to the relationship?

I’ll be honest, this was my first time being in a relationship with a divorced man who has kids.  I’ve casually dated other guys in this situation but it never went past a month.  After being in a relationship with someone like this I can understand why everyone was telling me to think twice before jumping in bead first.  There is definitely and imbalance regardless of how into each you are, the person with kids and other obligations can only give so much.  I thought since I didn’t have those obligations I should be more accommodating to him and I was, but I did start to grow resentful of it because it went under appreciated.  Even when I brought it up to him, he didn’t seem to think that I did more for the relationship than he did.  I was the one mostly traveling to his place, although by choice, he still never acknowledged it until I would press him to and then it would be like “yes, I know you do this, but I do this...”.  
 

i know this doesn’t go for all divorced men with kids, but honestly he was a great father and that was one of the things I loved about him.  I don’t know that a divorced man with two young kids can be a great father and a great boyfriend/partner at the same time to someone who Is single with no kids.  

[Uptown182]

8 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

No, I don't think it's unfair. Both people know what they are getting into, it's not like he twisted her arm into entering a relationship with him. And just because a person is single and without an ex or kids, it doesn't mean they are "Free" and can "Commit fully to the relationship". A lot of single people have "baggage" as well, that don't include an ex or kids. 

That’s right, you can be single and have a different type of baggage.  
 

I willingly entered into this relationship, but I also didn’t know what to expect.  Turned out it’s not for me, for some others it would be fine.  

[BrennaR]

Jesus, this went from looking at engagement rings to him getting back with his wife. Did he look at the engagement rings for her? Wow, what a douche, I am sorry this happened to you!

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

 I don’t know that a divorced man with two young kids can be a great father and a great boyfriend/partner at the same time to someone who Is single with no kids.  

I agree.
Most single people with no kids want to be No1 in the person they are dating's life.
They do not really want to be relegated to second or third or fourth best... after the kids and the ex wife 
Parents tend to be pretty selfish when dealing with single people.
Parenting takes precedence and the single person is expected to fit into the life of the parent and just put up with it.
However the kids are not their kids and when some have no experience of kids then that can cause issues.
Unless for some reason a single person wants a  ready made family then perhaps it is best to give "parents" a swerve. 
Leave parents to date other parents, I guess all will be a lot happier.

[Cookiesandough]

5 hours ago, Malin889 said:

No, I don't think it's unfair. Both people know what they are getting into, it's not like he twisted her arm into entering a relationship with him. And just because a person is single and without an ex or kids, it doesn't mean they are "Free" and can "Commit fully to the relationship". A lot of single people have "baggage" as well, that don't include an ex or kids. 

I agree. And a person without kids and ex spouses have priorities and other people to spend their time, attention, money etc. dam I know I do. 

Edited April 9, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[LynneVicious]

Uptown, did you ever hear from him? Hope you’re doing okay and keeping busy!

[Malin889]

On 4/8/2020 at 8:10 PM, elaine567 said:

I agree.
Most single people with no kids want to be No1 in the person they are dating's life.
They do not really want to be relegated to second or third or fourth best... after the kids and the ex wife 
Parents tend to be pretty selfish when dealing with single people.
Parenting takes precedence and the single person is expected to fit into the life of the parent and just put up with it.
However the kids are not their kids and when some have no experience of kids then that can cause issues.
Unless for some reason a single person wants a  ready made family then perhaps it is best to give "parents" a swerve. 
Leave parents to date other parents, I guess all will be a lot happier.

I wouldn't say parents are "pretty selfish" when dealing with single people. That's such a broad statement.

[SummerDreams]

7 hours ago, Malin889 said:

I wouldn't say parents are "pretty selfish" when dealing with single people. That's such a broad statement.

In my experience parents are in general selfish people and think that their children are the most important thing in the world not only for them but for everyone. If there is a childless person, they tend to look down at them, I'm sure this is not the first time you hear about that...