I don't know what to think about the whole situation (long post)

[pinco]

My girlfriend and I (F/F) have been broken up till the end of March (both 21 years and in a stable and happy relationship for 2 years). The relationship has always been great, full of happy moments (we traveled in many cities together, made many experiences despite the young age), everything seemed to go perfectly until the last two months.

In September 2019 I spent a six-month internship, until February 2020, in which we saw only one week in November and for the Christmas holidays and everything was wonderful like always (she told me that). I came back from this experience at the beginning of February and she tells me that she loves me but that it’s not like before (she tells me that usually being with me she was on another planet, with butterflies in her stomach and all, and now she’s happy to spend time with me and stay with me, but not like before).

We spend all February to see few times and March to fight, until the beginning of quarantine because of the Coronavirus (we should have left together for a trip at the beginning of March (it was her idea to celebrate the two years anniversary), we were really looking for this trip to rebuild a connection after several months without seeing eachother and because of the virus was canceled). Until February everything was going well, we were going out like normally, she was fine with me (we went at dinner for her birthday and for the two year anniversary) and she said/demonstrated it continuously (she asked me to plan our holidays in the summer, talking about all the stuff that we wanted to do after the exams). In March we did nothing but fight (we have seen eachother two times and we have fought a lot), the quarantine (that started for my country at the very beginning of March) has led us to move even further and eventually to leave without even being able to see us.

Throughout the month she had been hot and cold (always telling me that she loved me, but only as a response to my “I love you” but always chatting and facetiming eachother) and I did not help the situation, coming back from the six-month journey very sad and confused about my life and clinging to her to seek confirmation and seeing her as the only positive thing in my life.

The last day of the relationship (27th of March, the day before we had made a two hours videocall talking about light subjects) we talk normally and in the evening, pretty out of nowhere, she says that she loves me but it is no longer like before, that I deserve to be happy and she can not make me happy.

We call each other on the phone and we cry all the time, she apologizes for hurting me, she says that I’m a wonderful person and that I deserve the best but even if she tried so hard she couldn’t pretend to love me like before, that she wants to keep up with my life if and when I want, that she wanted to be there next to me (we were both in the bed crying) to make me feel good even though she was the cause of my pain. All through February and March we met about ten times (after five months apart) and we constantly talked about these problems, I couldn’t understand what she said to me (because I was afraid of losing her) and she didn’t understand why she felt this way towards me, accusing herself and crying all the time while I was trying to pretend that was all like before.

She also added that it would be more correct to see and talk about it in person (she added this during the breakup, but even in the days before, adding that we were trying to resolve issues but the quarantine had blocked us) but because of Coronavirus could not continue to make me feel bad (I was constantly on the phone hoping she would write to me, ask me to call us and I was no longer finding the strength to do anything). She never explicitly told me that she no longer loved me, only that the love she felt was no longer the same as before and that she preferred to leave and break up with a good memory rather than continue something that would make us hate in the end.

Immediately after the breakup I started no contact because I needed some time apart (I told her to not write me for some time), working on myself to feel good, solving the problems that I had, still working on it.

She didn't write me for my birthday at the start of May and I wrote to her a text in mid-May asking how she was and she immediately responded, apologizing for not contacting me on my birthday because she didn’t want to intrude or ruin my day (I didn't even mention my birthday in the first text). We talked a little bit about college, and I told her I wanted to see her and talk about what I realized in this two months apart. She told me that she didn’t expecting this, asked me what I thought, and that she didn’t think it was a good idea to see eachother. I explained that I had been thinking a lot about what had happened and I would like to tell her and listen to her thoughts (because when we broke up we were both crying and upset), she told me that seeing us would not be a good idea now because it would complicate things and would not help us.

She added that she didn’t want to hurt me by refusing to met, but neither did she want to start the process of getting better again, adding that she has positive memories about me, but that she couldn’t see me now. She said she’d want to hear from me in the future about how I’m doing and what’s new in my life because she care about me and she loves me, but seeing me now would be hurting herself.

She said that she thought I wanted to know how she was doing, that she liked and was glad to hear from me and that she would write to me in the future too. She added that even this conversation upset and scared her, that it’s too soon for her to write me and she can’t handle the emotions she caused her; that she can’t go back to how she was two months ago because she’s trying to get better slowly and see me would make her panic (she told me that just chatting with me had her struggle).

I asked her how to behave to respect her spaces, she told me that in the future she’ll want to write to me to know how I’m doing and how it’s going, but it’s too soon now. She wished me luck and the conversation was over.

This was not an abusive relationship on either side, either physically or mentally. (I feel the urge to add this because I was shocked by such a sudden reaction, she seemed afraid of confrontation, afraid of me. None of my friends who knew us as a couple expected a similar reaction. Everyone, included me, expected her to take a confrontation in person, even just to tell me we weren’t getting back together.)

I care about her and I don’t want to do anything to hurt her,  what should I think of all this? I also care for my mental health and this situation feels to me like it doesn't have a proper end, with her not being clear for the reasons in the breakup and expressing the will to talk to me again in the future. I have already said that I do not want to write to her anymore and I'll wait for her to write me first.

Why did she react like that? (it seems that I dumped her and then write to her again when it was her decision that I accepted, she made all by herself). Should I give up hope of starting a relationship with her again? Why did her feel the need to tell me that in the future we will talk to eachother and see how it goes? I already heard to "give up, move on, forget her" and I'm doing it (I'm not crying everyday in my room, I take care of myself and all that inspirational stuff). I'm looking for a serious opinion on this situation.

She still see all my stories and my friends's stories on Instagram and she had put a "like" in my Instagram post yesterday (it was a picture of me).

I should mention that in September she will move away from our city due to study and I still don’t know if I’m gonna go in the same city as her (for study reasons) or I’m gonna stay in our current city. (I’m adressing this thing because I know she was very concerned about it and didn’t see an happy future for us as a couple in a distance relationship, even if she wanted to try for some time).

Thanks for your time

[schlumpy]

If she's lost her feelings for you what choice do you have except to move on assuming stalking isn't an attractive option.

The way you tell it, she is trying to let you down with as much compassion towards you as she can muster. That tells me she sees herself at fault here.

Has she told you the truth as to why she lost her feelings? Maybe.

Will you get back together in the future? Maybe.