Wanting to move

[manny1]

My wife and I have been married for nearly 4 years. I had moved to a city nearly 2.5 hrs from where I am from for a job and subsequently met my wife and got married and bought a house here. I left my job last year and now have no ties to the city we live in. All my family are back home while my wife's family are pretty much round the corner. They come round nearly every few days uninvited and my wife goes to see them often. I feel trapped here and I miss my family tremendously as we can't see them that often. I have brought up the possibility of moving maybe half way so that we would be between families but my wife told me that there was no way she wanted to live in the middle of nowhere away from her family. I don't know what to do now. If I stay here I'll be pretending that I am happy to stay. My wife can be dominating and I do find resentment occurring on my part as she can be so close to her family but I can't be close to mine.

We have been having other issues too and are not as close as we were. I do find she can be controlling and want things her way.  Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

[schlumpy]

She needs to express her willingness to sacrifice so you can see your family. A weekend a month with her full participation. Start splitting the holidays.

Most people would see her family coming to see you uninvited is a sign of closeness but I think you feel it as a sign of disrespect. 

I left home at 18 and unlike you, I didn't look back. My wife though was very much a thrall to her family so I understand the resentment that can build. The closeness of family where you don't have to ask permission to visit - you just drop by. Every holiday is spent with them. They trying very hard to pull you into the circle. Someone else would have had a positive reaction to this activity but I needed my distance.

I understand my resentment but why is it that you can't sympathize with wife's need for family when you also share the same feelings? 

[smackie9]

Moving is kinda of a drastic measure. TBH You do have ties in that city, you have a wife and her family. Telling her to pack her bags and move away from her family is unfair. You made to choice to move for a job, and married a woman that has roots there. What were you expecting? Just because you made the sacrifice years ago, doesn't mean she has to.

If you wish to see your family, just go, make it a weekend vacation for yourself. Plan family vacations, invite them to stay with you. There are ways around this, just have to be creative.

[preraph]

Yes.  It's called "visiting the relatives," and two and a half hours is completely doable for even just a day trip.  I used to go do day trips to a river two and a half hours away and get back at a decent hour.  She doesn't have to always go with you either.  You can have plenty of uninterrupted time with your family, and you should.  But no, not fair to drag her away.  You moved there on your own steam and married.  Drop it.  But if you're tired of your marriage, then do something about that.  Just don't use staying with her as leverage to force her to move.  And I would add that your family can also come visit you.   

[DKT3]

I think the ladies have oversimplified the situation.  Ultimately,  this isnt about moving,  it's about your wifes unwillingness to emphasize with you or compromise.  It's a problem because it's not likely limited to this situation.  People marry and move cities all the time,  making it seem like you're unreasonable is a reach.

[FMW]

I'm a woman, I agree, it's about her lack of empathy - she's not willing to move away from her family, she should be able to understand what you're feeling.  I also agree that her unwillingness to discuss things and see if there might be a compromise is likely present in other situations

Resentment is a relationship killer, as is feeling your partner is controlling.  You need to find a way to communicate how serious this issue is for you and that her saying "no way" isn't an acceptable resolution.      

[manny1]

Thanks all for your replies.

Yes I agree I moved on my own steam however I didn’t realise how much of an impact being away from family would have on me. 
aside from moving my wife can be rude and disrespectful at the smallest things and there’s always a need for her to have her way. The house we have is mainly her choice as is what happens inside in terms of decorating. I haven’t helped by not setting boundaries and therefore encouraged this behaviour.

When I have mentioned about going on my own to see family she gets upset as I wanted to go on my own and asks me to apologise for upsetting her. Does that mean I’m not allowed any alone time? I feel I’m walking on eggshells as the slightest mistake on my part results in her getting upset or giving me a rude remark. Combining all of these things makes me feel I’m the one always compromising. 

[BaileyB]

It sounds to me like the move is the current topic of discussion, but you have much bigger issues with respect and communication in your marriage. 

Edited May 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

wow did you not discover this about her before you were married??

Edited May 26, 2020 by smackie9

[manny1]

Thanks for all the replies. I was feeling a bit lonely as my work is now part time so I said I wanted to go visit for folks for the day whilst she was working. She started to guilt me that I should've asked if she wanted to come however I said that she could come if she wanted. She didn't want to take the day off work and made me apologise for hurting her feelings. It feels so unreasonable as she goes to visit her folks whenever she wants and yet I need to get clearance from her? How is that fair? I admit it's not just about moving its the control and constant reassurance she needs and its sucking the life out of me. I feel like I'm living the life she wants without any thought to what I need. 

[schlumpy]

Like a Jedi Knight she is using a mind trick.

She: "You don't need to see your family Manny."

You with blank stare: "I don't need to see my family."

She: "There is only my family Manny."

You: "There is only your family."

She walks away satisfied that her powers have had their way with your weak resolve.

You are on the right trail Manny that the main issue here is her need to control you and not your need to see your family. If you can solve the control problem the family problem will disappear. You may be using it as an excuse to avoid conflict with your wife but try as you may that conflict is coming.

Get some IC to find out why you won't put your foot down on her unreasonable behavior. Take action before you build so much resentment that your marriage is in danger.

[d0nnivain]

Compromise is the key to a happy marriage but you are only 2.5 hours away from your family.  That is hardly insurmountable & you should be able to see them more.  

The fact that you find your wife to be dominating is a problem.  Marriage should be about equals.  What do you need to do to get your power back?  Take some steps to become more confident.  

[FMW]

8 hours ago, manny1 said:

made me apologise

Stop going along with her every whim.  She can't make you do something that you don't choose to go ahead and do. You see where avoiding conflict with her (I assume that's why you apologized on command) is getting you.  You're unhappy and the resentment is growing.  That will kill your marriage to the point of no return.