Behold the Walls of Jericho!

[Spainglish]

I did things right this time.  At least I thought so.
We were friends for almost 3 years before we started dating.  We dated and lived together for 5 more before we got married.
We talked about everything and anything. We never argued. We had a good sex life.  He loved my children as though they were his own.
He did everything and anything for our family.  After 3 failed marriages due to abuse, infidelity and addiction, I thought I finally found my forever.

Flash forward:  He got drunk one night and sent inappropriate messages to my underage daughter.  I caught him in the act and asked him to leave immediately. 
My children are so hurt and are reeling from what has transpired. He was a role model to my son, daughter, friends, church and community; a decorated military man admired by all.  
Everyone is in a state of shock and in a sense of mourning.  The man who was such an integral part of our family no longer exists.

So, here I am. Starting over AGAIN.  I don't mind the starting over part.  I've been here before and I know I will make it.
But, I"m struggling with the aftermath of everything and what this means for me in the future as far as relationships go. 
And what it means for me personally. I have lost my faith in man.

My daughter is only 15. She has blossomed into a beautiful young girl, turning heads everywhere she goes. 
I remember being her age.  I remember all the grown men hitting on me, in secret, married or not.   Now it's her turn.
It's my duty to protect her.  I will absolutely never be able to trust bringing anyone into our lives again.  

It took me so long to find someone I could trust.  How will I ever trust anyone again? 
The walls are definitely up! I don't believe they will ever come down again.  

 

 

[FMW]

That's really heartbreaking.  What an awful thing to happen!

I hope you find the strength to eventually work on lowering your walls a bit. If it's something that appeals to you maybe talk with a counselor to help get things into proper perspective.  There are good people out there, I hope that at some point you will be able to have faith again and not shut yourself off from future opportunities.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

That's an incredible betrayal. That is a real shock. Is your daughter okay?

[Spainglish]

You're right. It is an incredible shock.  So much so that I don't even know how to feel.
I just feel so many things at once that I'm numb.  I know it won't be forever.
I'm just pushing forward, doing what needs to be done.

Thankfully, my daughter is doing well.  Thank you for asking.
She said she didn't need to talk to anyone, but I made her go to a therapist.
She says it's been very helpful and she is in good spirits.  If she is good I am good.

I know there are good people out there. I just can't seem to find them. 

You know what they say.  Time heals all wounds. 

Edited May 25, 2020 by Spainglish

[chillii]

 

So the 4th huh , really sorry about what's gone down but it could be time to heal and forget marriage. lf you would like a partner again some day maybe some not living together thing or bothering again with marriage, A lot of couples live separately best of both worlds anyway maybe.

[Spainglish]

Definitely. I will never get married again!   As for dating?  It's highly unlikely to happen either. 
If by chance, I were to meet someone who interests me, I would definitely keep things casual. There's no need to expose my family to any more disappointment.  
They would have to accept staying at a distance forever, never being a part of my life in any way.

 

[chillii]

 

Yeah right , l'd actually love that setup myself too. We've been in 2 states for 2 yrs now , although yeah l miss her when she heads back , and at plenty of other times too , l kind of also like it this way too.

My brothers been with someone 22yrs living 3 hours apart it's a funny thing but they love it. They spend a few wks together then just go home , it's a classic. Not a bad setup really.

[Spainglish]

I can see how this type of arrangement can be ideal. 
You're dating the entire time and don't have to put with the daily BS. 😉

[Ellener]

That's a horrible thing to happen @Spainglish and it will take you time to recover from the trauma.

I can see why you won't introduce anyone else to your children but they won't always be children, and for what it's worth you handled this perfectly.

You would be surprised how many women try to retain their marriage in the face of paedophile or other abusive behaviour.

[spiritedaway2003]

9 hours ago, Spainglish said:

Thankfully, my daughter is doing well.  Thank you for asking.
She said she didn't need to talk to anyone, but I made her go to a therapist.
She says it's been very helpful and she is in good spirits.  If she is good I am good.

I know there are good people out there. I just can't seem to find them. 

You know what they say.  Time heals all wounds. 

I'm sorry it happened.  I'm glad your daughter is OK.  You're a great Mom to your daughter, protecting her where you can.

It may be too early to accept, but never say never.  Don't let this trauma write off men (or people in general).  Good people are out there.

 

Edited May 25, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Spainglish]

Three weeks!  That's all it took for him to move on and start dating.   I don't even care that he's dating because I would never allow him back into my life after what he did.
But, he's constantly begging to work things out and telling me how much he loves me.  What an  @%%!

The part that makes me the most upset is that he's still drinking after what happened.  If I had ever come on to a minor boy and lusted after my own step son under the influence of alcohol, I would never drink another drop again.  Never.  I'm disgusted by his behavior and nonchalant attitude.  

That will all change I suppose when he has to deal with the legal consequences.   

[simpycurious]

3 hours ago, Spainglish said:

Three weeks!  That's all it took for him to move on and start dating.   I don't even care that he's dating because I would never allow him back into my life after what he did.
But, he's constantly begging to work things out and telling me how much he loves me.  What an  @%%!

The part that makes me the most upset is that he's still drinking after what happened.  If I had ever come on to a minor boy and lusted after my own step son under the influence of alcohol, I would never drink another drop again.  Never.  I'm disgusted by his behavior and nonchalant attitude.  

That will all change I suppose when he has to deal with the legal consequences.   

This is disgusting........she is a KID.  Why would he do that drunk or not.  I am not a drinker so I don't get the whole drunk excuse but where does something like that come from.  You don't wanna know what I think he deserves.  Sorry for being so blunt.

[Spainglish]

I can assure whatever you are thinking has crossed my mind.....and then some.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around it and figure out what comes next.  Or I should say,  prepare myself for what comes next.   I know the next chapter will not be pretty.  My daughter's biological father, who is has always been an active part of her life, is pushing forward with legal action.    

For now, I'm just trying to get through things that need to be done like sell our house, pack and move, etc.  I'm closing on a condo for me and my daughter in a few weeks and then all ties will finally be severed. It can't come soon enough.

[Ellener]

8 hours ago, Spainglish said:

What an  @%%!

All round.

Keep busy with moving, let your daughter's dad deal with the legal action, and later maybe find some counselling or a support group or something supportive and therapeutic just for you.

 

 

[simpycurious]

30 minutes ago, Spainglish said:

I can assure whatever you are thinking has crossed my mind.....and then some.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around it and figure out what comes next.  Or I should say,  prepare myself for what comes next.   I know the next chapter will not be pretty.  My daughter's biological father, who is has always been an active part of her life, is pushing forward with legal action.    

For now, I'm just trying to get through things that need to be done like sell our house, pack and move, etc.  I'm closing on a condo for me and my daughter in a few weeks and then all ties will finally be severed. It can't come soon enough.

Sorry to ask this but what did the guy (your H soon to be ex-H) say for himself?  And where does something like that COME FROM?  The whole scenario is MESSED UP.   I am going to miss reading some of the things on this site but NOT STUFF LIKE THIS.............makes you lose faith in people as a whole. 

[Spainglish]

3 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Sorry to ask this but what did the guy (your H soon to be ex-H) say for himself?  And where does something like that COME FROM?  The whole scenario is MESSED UP.   I am going to miss reading some of the things on this site but NOT STUFF LIKE THIS.............makes you lose faith in people as a whole. 

He said it was "a stupid drunk thing".  I agree with you.  It has to come from somewhere.  Alcohol doesn't make you do something that's not even on your radar.  It had to be there and he was just good at hiding it or something.  He absolutely cannot write it off as a stupid drunk thing because he planned it.  I didn't know it at the time, but he talked to my daughter before going to the liquor store and asked her if she wanted to try something.  He made it all a fun thing that they were keeping from mom.  It turns out he let her drink three mini bottles of cinnamon shots. Keep in mind, this child has never had one drop of alcohol and he knew that.  He was loosening her up.  It makes me sick! 

I have no idea where this came from. He has raised her since she was in the first grade! He only has sons so he was excited to raise a little girl. He coached her soccer team, basketball team and volleyball team at school. He took her to father daughter dances, dr appointments, and school, played princess with her, wore a tiara and tutu to the restaurant because she wanted him to.  He was a great father to her, until he wasn't.  It truly has blind sided everyone!

The only good thing that's come out of this is my daughter has learned a very valuable lesson about trusting people and alcohol.  It gave me the opportunity to talk to her about date rape drugs and such.  Her older brother talked to her about what happens at clubs and the best way to stay safe, etc.  She's learned a lot!  I'm just thankful she's in counseling and that nothing physical ever happened.  If it had, I'd be writing you from Prison right about now.   
 

[simpycurious]

Sorry to say but to me that is much much more than a drunken mistake.  It's almost beyond comprehension.  Any man that does ANYTHING to a woman or kid is pond scum and deserves things that are not pleasant to discuss. I am so sorry you have endured ALL OF THIS plus your other TWO men.  One of these type men is more than enough for one lifetime..................

Edited May 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CaliforniaGirl]

16 hours ago, Spainglish said:

Three weeks!  That's all it took for him to move on and start dating.   I don't even care that he's dating because I would never allow him back into my life after what he did.
But, he's constantly begging to work things out and telling me how much he loves me.  What an  @%%!

The part that makes me the most upset is that he's still drinking after what happened.  If I had ever come on to a minor boy and lusted after my own step son under the influence of alcohol, I would never drink another drop again.  Never.  I'm disgusted by his behavior and nonchalant attitude.  

That will all change I suppose when he has to deal with the legal consequences.   

Well, it's unlikely that the alcohol caused this out of nowhere. Not drinking allowed him inhibitions, drinking loosened them. People don't just get drunk and suddenly want to sleep with their stepchildren. ETA: I'm sorry. I didn't read through and see that this was already brought up.

Drinking might help him.forget the pain.

Maybe you should just try not to know what he's up to, though. I know it's new and you're in shock. Whatever he does now is his problem, and you probably don't want to know any other secrets about his personality he may have been hiding from you. ❤️

Edited May 29, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 hours ago, Spainglish said:

He said it was "a stupid drunk thing".  I agree with you.  It has to come from somewhere.  Alcohol doesn't make you do something that's not even on your radar.  It had to be there and he was just good at hiding it or something.  He absolutely cannot write it off as a stupid drunk thing because he planned it.  I didn't know it at the time, but he talked to my daughter before going to the liquor store and asked her if she wanted to try something.  He made it all a fun thing that they were keeping from mom.  It turns out he let her drink three mini bottles of cinnamon shots. Keep in mind, this child has never had one drop of alcohol and he knew that.  He was loosening her up.  It makes me sick! 

 

 

Oh my God. Just oh. My. God.

Christ.

I changed my mind. You shouldn't just forget him. You should call the police. Giving alcohol to a minor and then attempting to have sex with her...He was grooming her. I can't believe this is the first time for him. And he's walking so it won't be the last. 

[FMW]

I agree with CaliforniaGirl - you should support her biological father's efforts in pursuing legal action.  That's just amazingly messed up.  

 

[Spainglish]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I agree with CaliforniaGirl - you should support her biological father's efforts in pursuing legal action.  That's just amazingly messed up.  

 

I do support him.  1000 %

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I agree with CaliforniaGirl - you should support her biological father's efforts in pursuing legal action.  That's just amazingly messed up.  

 

It's awful and uncomfortable to do but if he was this slippery about it and was grooming the daughter and working his way up to attempting to have sex with her then the likelihood seems high he's done it before and even if not, he's gotten away with it and is on to the next woman without consequences, so he'll do it again in one capacity or another. 

[simpycurious]

3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

It's awful and uncomfortable to do but if he was this slippery about it and was grooming the daughter and working his way up to attempting to have sex with her then the likelihood seems high he's done it before and even if not, he's gotten away with it and is on to the next woman without consequences, so he'll do it again in one capacity or another. 

OMG please tell me that Was NOT what this dude was doing.............the whole things is SICK....

[Spainglish]

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

OMG please tell me that Was NOT what this dude was doing.............the whole things is SICK....

It certainly is SICK.  I don't know what his intent was.  I'm just glad we got out before it happened.
Even though nothing physical happened, he's caused so much damage in many other ways.
I don't believe things will ever be the same again. 

Edited May 30, 2020 by Spainglish

[simpycurious]

What do you honestly think was on his mind?  Had there ever been the slightest hint of creepy behavior?  How does something like that just COME OUT OF THE BLUE?