Very prolonged crush on a friend

[mildoxymoron]

Hey all. Long story, so let's get right into background.

A long time ago, I skipped two grades. Wasn't a huge deal for quite a long time but now I'm in college and heavily wanting to be in a relationship and it makes it really hard to find anyone who's ok with that. I'm an open book, I'm constantly genuine, I'm not just going to hop on some dating app and lie about my age. I'm 17. Big whoop. On to the real meat of the story.

In my freshman year of high school I swapped friend groups a lot. When I finally settled down in one that I stayed in through senior year, I met this girl who I quite quickly took a liking to. I later found out that she had also skipped two grades, which I didn't fully appreciate at the time but looking back was an incredible stroke of luck. I'm not one to talk about my feelings, but nor am I one to let them interfere with my day-to-day affairs, so for all of high school I only tried once (in a very stealthy, roundabout way so if things went south I could hide from repercussions, yes I have massive anxiety and yes I'm quite the introvert) to ask her out. Basically, I slipped a note in her locker one morning in sophomore year that said something along the lines of "if you say [word or phrase] and someone snaps their fingers twice, it means they like you". Can't remember exactly what it was, but there's the gist. I was a little stupid about it when she read it and asked to see what it said, acting clueless, as you do, and after I snapped twice she shrugged it off with something along the lines of "don't joke around about this", so I guess she thought "he read it so now he's just doing it to mess with me", and tbh such is the nature of our friendship so I wasn't exactly surprised, I just played it off and went on with my day.

Throughout the rest of high school, I just tried to block out and mute my feelings. It didn't make me awkward around her or anything, so we just kept messing around as we tended to and I kept hoping in the back of my mind that one day one of our friends would tell me in confidence that she liked me or something along those lines. Freshman and sophomore years we had no classes together, but junior year we had two classes together. In one, we sat next to each other and reached over to write jokes and notes on each other's notes during class. In the other, we kept each other sane through all the group projects and homework. We got a lot closer that year. Senior year came along, and the same scenario happened. We had two classes together, and in one we wrote jokes and notes to each other and in the other we kept each other sane through the much worse teaching style, but this time it was just a little different: most of our friend group was in the same English class, but that was around the time when I realized most of that friend group wasn't particularly chummy with me and mainly interacted with me out of pity, especially as a new person joined and hated me for some reason. During the first week of English, I tried sitting with the friend group, but during the second week they started getting to class early and filling in the seats. I was forced to move to another part of the room. After another week or so, I sat down in my new seat, and this girl I've been talking about comes in and sits next to me instead of over by the rest of the friend group (separated by quite a decent margin). I was surprised but glad, and we got back to our jokes and notes, but eventually before class I asked her if she wouldn't rather sit with the rest of the friend group. They didn't force her out like they forced me out, she sat with me by choice, even though her boyfriend (at the time, not a very long-lived relationship) was over with the rest of the group. She said no, she'd rather sit with me.

We got to graduation, I didn't go to prom (even with a group of friends) because I'm that introverted and terrified of crowded places with loud music and uncomfortable shoes. She came to my graduation party, along with most of the rest of that friend group, and I started college that following fall at a school over a thousand miles from home. I went there to deliberately escape high school. I thought I could have a fresh start there, and for the most part I have. At one point during our regular conversations and meme-sendings, I paused to be sincere and genuinely thank her for being there for me through my tough times in our last two years of high school. She reciprocated that, basically saying that while most of the friend group had their dramas and stupidities, she never really had to worry about that with me, and she was thankful for that.

Then COVID happened. My dad drove to my school (a two-day trip) and picked me up so I wouldn't have to pay for and transport several carry-on bags of luggage on a flight, and I've been home since March. Classes ended in early May, and since then I find myself staying up quite late thinking. Recently, I've thought a lot about that girl from high school, and what might've been. I know for about 99% certainty that it's too late for anything now, but just wanting to get my mind on another topic for once I've started considering asking her if anything could've happened between us back in high school. I've deliberated for quite a while and finally went on the game Kind Words and asked for advice. Something someone said on there stuck with me: "if you tell her how you feel and the friendship ends, then you're not missing out on a good friendship". That's been my main hangup in sending her a long text or even a link to a Google doc telling her all about this: what if it makes things weird and I lose her as a friend? She's been the only one from my graduating class to actually keep in touch with me, and we still tell great jokes back and forth and send each other memes with the same sense of humor. I'd hate to lose my friend here, but I also can't seem to get my mind off her. I know there's a very limited set of things that can happen if I tell her all about this: 1. She reads my message and decides never to talk to me again; a bit shallow even for her, I doubt this would happen but anxiety tells me I can't discount the possibility. 2a. She reads it, responds that she never really felt that way, and politely tells me she thinks it's pretty weird and would rather not keep such constant contact with me anymore (this one seems most plausible to me). 2b. ...responds she never really felt that way, but feels like I do in that our friendship is valuable either way and decides to put it behind her. 3a. ...responds that she did feel the same at some point (perhaps still does), but feels it's too difficult for us to know we like(d) each other yet be so far apart and decides not to keep such constant contact. 3b. ...responds that she did/does feel the same, but takes the closure like I do and decides like me that our friendship is valuable. 4. I see less than a 1/1,000,000,000 chance of this happening, but it's my favorite timeline: She responds that she feels the same and wants to try a long-distance relationship, meeting up (if COVID isn't still around) when we're back home over breaks.

I know I'm almost certainly not going to enjoy her answer, if she gives one, but I at least get closure any way about it. I'm not about to beat a dead horse or chase her down for a more satisfactory answer. She's awesome and deserves better than that either way. But given that half the possible outcomes end our friendship (even though the chances are not an even 50/50 I'd say), it's still a scary choice to make.

I leave to go back to my college town early in a few days; I have an internship over the summer before school starts. I won't be back home until December, and even then it's not like I'm going to see her around town or anything, we don't necessarily live close to each other... I just can't bring myself to justify sending her anything unless I think I'm going to be satisfied. Any advice?

Thanks in advance.

[preraph]

Usually trying to make something romantic out of an old friendship eventually kind of ruins the friendship. Also there is certainly no guarantee of closure because when things get awkward, people tend to just clam up and not just tell you everything that's on their mind. 

 

My feeling is that if anything romantic was going to happen, you guys have known each other for so long that it would have happened long before now. So there must not be momentum on both sides. If there had been, things would have just turned naturally flirty and touchy. 

 

I certainly would not ask her if she would have considered anything in high school.  That's just a cowardly way to go about it. If you want to find out if she would date you, ask her out on a real date and make sure she knows it's a date. Do this after the virus is over. 

 

Just contact her and say would you go out on a date with me and suggest where and when. She might respond something like you mean a real date or like friends, or she might just be pleasantly surprised and say yes in which case you better get on it acting romantic and touching her in polite ways guiding her into a chair at dinner and that sort of thing. 

 

Making the transition from friends to lovers can be very awkward, so don't go into this at all if you don't have the confidence to do it right and not get flustered about it. 

[Lover29]

I think you should go for it. You should contact her and ask out, bring more passion in the relationship and raise more interest.Try Volikov test to investigaste. I see nothing unhealthy about it, only a nice opprtunity to be happy with someone you like.

[Rockdad]

I know it's off subject but it has to be said you have one heck of a dad!