Missing my ex so much

[MR_1991]

I was LDR for five years. We helped each other grow a lot. But in the end she just wasnt ready to be in a relationship... too many personal problems to even meet...

She gave it her all... I did too.

We tried being friends but it was too painful. She asked me not to contact her again.

its been 3 months and I’m still in a lot of pain, dream about her... I just want us to be together... but I know she is not ready for a relationship and I know it’s too early to talk to her again.

My life feels so empty now. I have friends, good ones. But I miss her so much. I know I will love her for years to come. 

Part of me wants to contact her already. Even tho I know we can’t be together...

Im worried how she is doing without my support... I’ve always been there for her. I feel so guilty for not being able to help her now...

 I told myself to give her some years before contacting her. My best friend, who’s known me and the situation for all those years says we’ll have contact again one day, probably not as a couple but at least as friends. 
 

It would probably hurt too much to be friends right now for me. But this pain of not having her in my life is agonizing...

I am of course afraid she’ll be in a relationship when I call her in 3 years. And that if I was friends I’d want to hang out, something she wasn’t capable of even as she loved me so intensely due to her crippling anxiety... So it would probably not help anyone to contact her right now...

But omg... this pain is almost enough to kill me... 

Just not sure what to do... I don’t wanna feel like this for the next few years... 

But I should probably wait to contact her until I can handle being a friend and can handle her eventually being with someone new?

[basil67]

Leaving her without your support is doing exactly what she needs.  While she's been leaning on you, she hasn't learned the skills to look after her own needs.   Thing is though, if/when she learns to be a stronger person, she will also become a different person and you may no longer be the right guy for her anyway.

I'm so sorry you're missing her, but work towards moving on.  You will find another great woman.

[MR_1991]

I really hope you are right...

I feel so sad about not being there for her, but it was her choice to not be in a relationship anymore.

I hope she’ll get better and won’t feel resentment that I could not handle being friends with her after the breakup.

 

[schlumpy]

What do you know about this woman?

Are you very familiar with her life or are you only familiar with what she has shown you or told you and the rest is made up from your own imagination?

I won't dispute that she could be the love of your life, but I would urge you to discover who she is through sources that have no skin in the game.

Hire a private detective to give you a work up on her life and then compare that to what you know.

I know it costs money but could keep you from wasting the next few years of life carrying a torch for her when you could be in a real relationship.

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, MR_1991 said:

 it was her choice to not be in a relationship anymore.

That means she recognized that she needed autonomy in order to figure out what she wants for her life, not what you want for her life.

This reminds of that 80's song "don't you want me, baby"...

Edited May 25, 2020 by kendahke

[MR_1991]

Yes, she realized that all her recovery was for “us”, that she has been giving herself up to be with me and nothing else and while that may be very romantic that this is not good for a healthy relationship.

And I can see that of course. It’s just very painful to meet someone so right at the wrong time...

[scooby-philly]

Hey @MR_1991 - I am so sorry for your pain and heartache. Relationships ending are never easy. And relationships ending when you could see a future with the person, but other factors blocking that reality from ever happening can cause soul crushing pain. And @basil67 - offered the best advice by far up to this point - and the main thing you need to focus on - good people can meet at the wrong time and/or good people can meet and not be "right" for each other. It sucks major league balls, but it's something that we all have to learn - though some of us don't learn that lesson except through excruciating heartbreak. 

LDRs are tough. And LDRs when you hardly see the person are even tougher. But an LDR when you've never met someone in real life? I'm 99.9% of the time consoling and gentle on here but I can be blunt once in a while when I think it's necessary. And it's necessary here - because you have spent 5 years on this and you've got some work to do.... so here goes the moment of bluntness....you spent 5 years in a LDR with someone you never met? WTF? That's not a relationship! Even at 25 years it would not be a relationship? Relationships are about building a life TOGETHER. Which means you have to be physically TOGETHER. JFC. What are you some middle aged dude from Tokyo with a blow-up doll that lives with his mother? Okay...blunt over. Back to being nice

I get your pain - I truly do. And I am not perfect and am guilty of something similar to you. I'll be 39 in June and was dating someone who will be 25 in July - and it was a 2 hr ldr where her parents did not want her dating till she was completely done with her education (we met I was 36 her 22 and we split 9 months ago after 2yr together.) And I can look back and realize that I learned to completely love someone, to be completely vulnerable to someone, and to be completely myself and that I can be myself completely and get the love and affection and the type of relationship I want. But I was a fool to stay so long - she was inexperienced, immature, had no self-esteem, and threatened abandonment on me several times. Now, maybe in the long run I'll look back and say I needed both the relationship and the heartbreaking dump by her to push me finally to close all the old wounds, live my best life and what not. And maybe one day in 10, 20, 30 years I'll bump into her or find her on social media and see that maybe my love, support, nurture, care, and other things I did for her while we were together might have helped her to become the person I thought she was capable of being. But....now moving forward...that's it...I cannot and will not waste any more time on people that need fixing. (Not that I'm perfect).

I think a lesson for you, besides learning not to date someone you never met, even for 6 months, is to not pull all of your eggs into one basket. Sure, you helped her grow a bit and she helped you a bit, but you spent 5+ years excluding anyone else for someone you didn't meet in person. Most normal people would find that utterly moronic. Not trying to be harsh just then, but man, if you're a decent, hard-working, emotionally in-touch, and supportive/caring guy - you can find women easily. 

The pain you're feeling is partly real - especially if you were emotionally vulnerable and open with her. But I also think, like me, part of that pain is also the pain of losing what was only an imagination in your head. First, you could have, like me, built up an image of this woman in your head that wasn't 100% consistent with her true personality/nature. And/or you could have spent more time dreaming of a future together then you did on actually growing, living, and getting your wants/needs fulfilled NOW. There's no special prize or place in heaven for "helpers". I'm not saying you need to turn into the typical American male pig that only thinks of a woman as a vagina with two legs. But you're job in a relationship (and again, relationships are IN PERSON) is not to "save" or "rescue" the person. Sure, there's times to help each other grow, to create a supportive environment for a person to change, try new things, etc. etc., but the job of a partner is not to change the other person or to fix the other person. To help yourself recover, I'd focus on what you want in real life - goals/dreams you have, what you want in a woman, what you want in an actual in person relationship. 

As a friend on here taught me - you worrying about her now is only feeding that part of your ego that says "she'll never find someone else like me" or "I was perfect for her"....which only slows down your recovery. She will either fail, she'll find someone else to be the anchor weighing her down like you were, or she'll learn and grow and become her own support. And don't ever contact her. And stop thinking about contacting her in 5, 10, years. Move on. Whether you realize it or not, she may have made the toughest decision of her life and realized that either she needed to this for herself or at the very least she realized that maybe you deserved what she couldn't give you. And you need to recognize that. Now maybe it wasn't those things and she was just being immature, psycho, etc. - but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you spend the next few weeks and months owning up to your role in your own heartache, discovering your flaws, and also imagining and DOING things to live the life you want WITHOUT ANYONE else. 

And you will not feel like this if you actually work on yourself and fix what I'm detecting is a partial "savior complex" in you. You're not Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Yahweh, etc. You should not feel guilty for being able to "help her". That's just your ego talking and trying to lift itself up out of the trash. Don't listen to it. And don't run away from the darkness. Sit in it. Learn to accept it. Let it show you what it wants to show you. Let it teach you what it wants to teach you. And in 3, 6, 9 months - you won't even think of her more than once or twice a month and it won't make you feel anything. You won't even remember having loved her this much. Work on you. Build your own life. And again, trust me, I've been there. I felt similar pain for the first 6 months of my breakup and now, I feel nothing. And I don't care one way or another about her and her life, future, etc. Doesn't mean I'm not a good man. Just means my inner child has let her go and I'm living my own life and making my own happiness and building my own dreams and turning them, step-by-step, into reality.

[TeddyBundy1993]

Women dont normally get out of relationship when they have no back up. Most cases some other person is lined up. You never met in person still feels hurt, I can understand that. I wont say it was just an online fantasy, but bitter truth is shes gone. And her living calmly for 3 months without you clearly shows shes not into you anymore. Accept it, and it will be easy. It's normal to be sad feeling lost and helpless but its life, practically nothing stays forever. 

It will be better for you to focus on other part of life now, be it any field! Just distract yourself from this. Yes she will be in relationship someone, and that's life it never stops for anyone.  Stay positive and take it a day at a time,  future is uncertain and thinking shes be in your life is futile. Time is your friend slowly you'll know how to live without this girl. And after all we all have been there. It's a part of life, and has happened to the greatest of the great. 

[MR_1991]

Oh we did meet multiple times, about once or twice a year.. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. We just never got to the next step due to her problems...

I’ll edit my post.

 

thanks for the deep and thoughtful replies ❤️

Edited May 25, 2020 by MR_1991

[MR_1991]

She did break up once two years ago and came back after 6 months because she felt I deserved better, unfortunately she hadn’t actually grown enough in that time and we ended up in ldr again after some time. And I don’t expect that miracle to repeat... I’ll try my best to move on

[MR_1991]

I hope I can find answers to “what do I want out of my own life” , it’s all been about getting together for me for the past few years.

thanks y’all 

[scooby-philly]

Hey @MR_1991 - I'm glad you understood my little section in my reply was done with love.  And thank you for the clarification. That does change the story a bit, but unfortunately not the ending. Nor does it change what you need to do.

And no one completely knows "what they want out of their own life". Life is trial and error. In love, in friendship, with family, with our jobs/careers. No one has it all figured out or is leading the exact life they "think they want". But taking the time to learn how to be on your own, to live the life you want, and to dream for yourself helps. Keeping a journal or making lists about specific topics that you revisit, revise, etc. helps. And very often people go after things, especially relationships, thinking those will make them happy. Happiness springs from inside. And from living life the way you want, as best as you can given the constraints that the universe and others put on you in every aspect of your life. So don't aim to be happy - do what brings you joy - in work, in hobbies, with friends, etc. That joy will help you discover things about yourself, will help you make decisions in all areas of your life, and help you be the most attractive person you can be to a potential partner.  Stay strong but also - embrace the darkness you're feeling right now. If you do down into the dark, despite the pain it causes - the pain, the darkness can help you see things, understand things, and even help you learn things that you wouldn't otherwise learn - or may take 10x longer to learn. While it's scary - it's also natural, and it's not our enemy.

[d0nnivain]

There are steps to healing from a break up. 

1.  Grieve.  It's OK to cry & be unhappy at first.  You have to mourn the loss of something that had been precious to you.  Tears are cathartic. 

2.  Surround yourself with supportive people. 

3.  Purge.  Now is the time to get rid of the stuff.  If you can't delete the photos save them to a flash drive.  Box everything up.  If you can't bring yourself to throw it all out, tape it up really good -- I mean obsessively so it will be a giant p.i.t.a. to open again & stuff it in the deepest corner of the attic or your deepest closet, some place you will not see it regularly.

4.  Change your living environment & routine.  You want to get rid of the visual cues & habits that remind you of her.  If you always sat at your desk, clean it thoroughly & get a new mouse pad or something.  Sit in a different chair.  Move the art around.  Change is good. 

5.  Go NC.  I think you are part way there.  You haven't talked in a while but have you actually delated her contact info?  If you fear that, write it down & stick it in that box during the purge.  

Most importantly, hang in there.  Time heals all wounds.