Compromises in long-term relationships

[Ruby Slippers]

How do you accept the compromises that long-term relationships require? I don't seem to be well-equipped to accept them. 

My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along the past few days. Yes, the circumstances don't help. But our disagreements predate the lockdown. I'm feeling like maybe I'd be better off alone than saddled with the compromises.

By my age (43), I realize it's extremely unlikely I'll ever find the ideal relationship I want. If I realistically compare him and our relationship to what's out there, I realize it's probably not that bad, relatively speaking. I could do much worse.

Today I was reading about a psychological study that shows couples tend to minimize each other's negative points for the greater good. I have to do this with just about every other aspect of life. So why is it so hard in the romantic sphere?

[DKT3]

I think one issue is the idea that thier is someone else out there that will be better, that will want exactly what you want and there will be no need to compromise.  Now you realize this is unlikely you are faced with the reality that in order to maintain you will have to compromise.  It's not that you can't,  it's that you never felt you needed too. 

In addition I'm not sure you've ever really had a guy that made you want to compromise. 

[FMW]

If the required compromises seem like a burden to you, the relationship might not be the right one for you, no matter how much you would like it to be so.

I'm 55.  In recent years I've learned things about myself, had reactions to experiences, that I would have never dreamed of even 10 years ago.  Maybe you just aren't built for compromise.  But then again maybe, as suggested above, the right situation just hasn't come along yet.  

As you realize, no relationship will ever be ideal.  But the required compromises shouldn't feel like a huge sacrifice either.  During the first year of a relationship, feeling like it's "probably not that bad" isn't an encouraging sign.  

[clia]

What kind of compromises?  

I don't really feel that I had to compromise on that much with my husband.  Just little things, like he doesn't like to eat pasta, so I don't really cook it at home anymore.  I just order it when we go out to eat to get my fill of it.  Or he sometimes takes things out and doesn't put them away, which is annoying, but whatever.  Everyone has flaws, so it's important to remember that and to consider whether you are being too picky or are overreacting.        

Even with small compromises, if there are too many you just might not be compatible.  If you are having to compromise on the big things (e.g., where to live, how to live, your values, finances, etc.) then you also might not be compatible.  Don't try to force a square peg into a round hole -- it won't be sustainable.    

 

[Miss Spider]

I think rationalizing staying in a relationship where you feel bogged down by compromising your own wants/needs because you don’t think you can do better is completely wrong. You can.

Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Lotsgoingon]

The question is unanswerable without specifics about the strengths and weaknesses of your particular relationship. 

 

[simpycurious]

14 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

How do you accept the compromises that long-term relationships require? I don't seem to be well-equipped to accept them. 

My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along the past few days. Yes, the circumstances don't help. But our disagreements predate the lockdown. I'm feeling like maybe I'd be better off alone than saddled with the compromises.

By my age (43), I realize it's extremely unlikely I'll ever find the ideal relationship I want. If I realistically compare him and our relationship to what's out there, I realize it's probably not that bad, relatively speaking. I could do much worse.

Today I was reading about a psychological study that shows couples tend to minimize each other's negative points for the greater good. I have to do this with just about every other aspect of life. So why is it so hard in the romantic sphere?

This does not sound like a healthy situation for you Ruby (sad to say).  I am not an expert but I would venture to say that it would be INCREASINGLY difficult to be 

with someone that you genuinely do not GET ALONG WELL WITH.  Do you really want to live COMPROMISED? Only you can answer that question.  

[NuevoYorko]

You've said before that he is abusive.  Is he?  Putting up with abusive behavior is not the same as a willingness to compromise.

If he's not abusive, you need to look at whether or not you are compatible.  If you are really incompatible, compromise will not resolve that.  

If he's not abusive and you are basically compatible,  maybe you need some counseling on how to deal with conflicts.  I can't remember details of your posts but I have the general impression that he reacts with temper and a tendency to leave when he's angry.  He could learn to handle things differently, but if he didn't, it might not be a thing worth compromising over.

For your part, from your posts I have the impression that you require him to act worshipful towards you at all times and that perhaps you have some perhaps unrealistic expectations.  Romance novel-ish. He and his behavior are supposed to conform to these tropes.   IMO this kind of thing is not sustainable and it puts an undue burden on any relationship; it does not allow space for each person to be themselves and to respond to life (and their partner) in authentic ways, requiring them rather to stick to a script ... which they did not write.  Areas like this are the ones where compromise is absolutely required or a relationship with depth won't be possible.  

 

[Woggle]

Any two people sharing a life will have some disagreements but it should not be this hard. I know that my marriage certainly is not hard and we aren't clashing all the time. I say this with all respect but your relationship just seems like a never ending breakup and makeup cycle and to me that sounds exhausting. A relationship should not be pain, drama and unhappiness.

 

[Emilie Jolie]

17 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

If I realistically compare him and our relationship to what's out there, I realize it's probably not that bad, relatively speaking. I could do much worse.

'not that bad' after a few months of dating is not great, to be honest.

Too many compromises are bad, especially when they are only tilting one way, but what sort of compromises are you talking about?

To me, a compromise is something like accepting I'm not going to go camping with the SO, unless it's glamping (he hates camping); for him it's accepting we visit my family more often than he'd perhaps like to. 

Is that what you have in mind?

Edited May 26, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have been in a couple of LDRs and am pursuing another. Strangely enough, I have become OK with them as a dating or relationship option. You admit that you are or may not be suited for LDR and that's something to really consider. It's not for most people. I think an open-mind and recognizing the immediate complications helps, of course. The distance makes EVERY distance more complicated. Compromising is made more difficult as it is done from afar and sometimes w/o immediate results. BUT, the more difficult compromises are typically unique to the long-distance. What compromises are you having trouble with? Day to day, or those related to the distance apart?

Quote

By my age (43), I realize it's extremely unlikely I'll ever find the ideal relationship I want. If I realistically compare him and our relationship to what's out there, I realize it's probably not that bad, relatively speaking. I could do much worse.

Why your age? Do you think it's your age or location? You are in a LDR. Also, this doesn't sound all that promising as the state or relationships go. It sounds like the choice of the partner is compromise on its own and your difficulty in compromising on other issues may have to do with the fact that you are not that invested. No?

Edited May 26, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I have been in a couple of LDRs and am pursuing another. Strangely enough, I have become OK with them as a dating or relationship option. You admit that you are or may not be suited for LDR and that's something to really consider. It's not for most people. I think an open-mind and recognizing the immediate complications helps, of course. The distance makes EVERY distance more complicated. Compromising is made more difficult as it is done from afar and sometimes w/o immediate results. BUT, the more difficult compromises are typically unique to the long-distance. What compromises are you having trouble with? Day to day, or those related to the distance apart?

As  far as I know Ruby is not in an LDR.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Just now, elaine567 said:

As  far as I know Ruby is not in an LDR.

Oh, crap, I am SO sorry! I completely misread the title of the thread. I have been reading "long-distance" instead of "long-term!" 

My apologies. Please ignore me. 

[Allupinnit]

You will have to make compromises in your relationship, but not if it compromises your values or safety.  

As you probably know by now, Mr. Perfect doesn't exist.  The guy you end up with is going to piss you off from time to time.  You have to decide if it's a bad habit you can tolerate, or a character flaw that makes him bad husband material altogether (such as abuse).  

From what I've read it's common for you to break up and get back together.  We aren't in middle school anymore, and a mature adult relationship doesn't go through all of those dramatic ups and downs.  Isn't it annoying for your friends, too?

[Ollie180]

I agree with Emilie...

 

She doesn’t want to watch football with me - fine
She makes me feel like I need to be something I’m not - no

She doesn’t like chinese - (is she crazy? But fine)

She doesn’t like dogs - No

She wants us to move to Australia (pre me finding DD) - fine

She wants us to move to Australia (since I’ve found my DD) - absolutely no

 

It depends on WHAT the compromise is and, more importantly it depends on YOU! I’m sure your answers to the above might be different to mine.. I’m sure Jake down the road would answer differently again! It’s very specific to you!

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks, everybody.

I'd rather keep this thread more general / high level than getting into specific disagreements, as my intention is to get ideas about how to resolve differences in general.

I'm happy to say that he's completely stopped the verbally abusive behavior from early on. He identified that having more than a drink or two brings that out, and he hasn't had more than one drink ever since. That's not something I prescribed for him - he set his own boundary and has stuck to it. Sure, a part of me worries that will emerge again, but it hasn't so far.

From a disagreement Saturday night, we were barely speaking, but he didn't just up and leave like before. This morning he approached me and asked if we could talk. I said yes, and right away he apologized for what happened Saturday night. He admitted he was wrong, said that situation isn't something I should settle for or compromise on.

We acknowledged that we've both made progress in handling our differences. In the past, we'd have a blowup and one of us would just leave, then a week or so would go by until he'd get in touch again. The funny thing is that since that disagreement, we both were ruminating on the idea of him leaving again, getting out of each other's hair. Then this morning, we both started thinking to ourselves that maybe there was a better way, and that way was him apologizing and seeing if I was receptive. That's what he tried, and it worked.

I read him a few snippets from this thread, and he thinks the comments are good. @NuevoYorko, I think "worship" is too strong a word and he agrees. I want us both to adore, treasure, be sweet to, pamper, and baby each other a little. It goes both ways. He admitted to me a few days ago that he's never been the recipient of such attentiveness, and he loves it, just eats it up. An example is that we give each other therapeutic massages. We're both active and those massages help work out knots and tension in the muscles. It makes a huge difference to our well-being and ability to work out even harder. I mean, if your lover isn't going to pamper and adore you, then who is?

He also admitted that, just like me, he has a high standard and isn't interested in "settling." We both could have done that long ago and many times with decent partners, but have held out for a Great Love. He said, "Yes, I don't want to leave any money on the table." He's in finance, says "settling" is an accounting term, and is just as determined to "haggle" and get the best possible deal in love as I am. Though he's more facts-based and pragmatic, he admits that in love he gets emotional and facts fly out the window.

As for the idea that it "shouldn't be this hard," I think that's all about me and my nature. I never have simple, straightforward, easy romantic relationships. My friendships and professional relationships, on the other hand, are fairly simple and drama-free - still deep and oftentimes profound, but uncomplicated emotionally.

During lockdown, we've spent 99% of our time together. I told him I think we should have more time to ourselves, and he agrees. Generally I love how close we are and how much we enjoy doing so many different things together. But it will certainly help to have more time to miss each other and do our own thing.

[lana-banana]

50 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I want us both to adore, treasure, be sweet to, pamper, and baby each other a little. It goes both ways. He admitted to me a few days ago that he's never been the recipient of such attentiveness, and he loves it, just eats it up. An example is that we give each other therapeutic massages. We're both active and those massages help work out knots and tension in the muscles. It makes a huge difference to our well-being and ability to work out even harder. I mean, if your lover isn't going to pamper and adore you, then who is?

Sure, your lover is going to do that. But your long-term partner should also call you on your crap when you're being ridiculous, disagree with you if you choose a totally hideous paint color, and squabble about which route has the best traffic. There is a lot more to a healthy long-term relationship than "therapeutic massages" - that is a simple kind gesture that has absolutely nothing to do with one's ability to be a stable partner in the long run. 

No one can give you really meaningful advice when you won't explain what it is you feel the need to compromise on. I don't feel that my husband and I have ever had to compromise on anything, not such that I'd even use that word. Our big life goals have always been aligned and we have the same general lifestyle preferences. Small things, like how I don't eat a ton of carbs and he likes to bake 1-2 loaves a week, don't count. (We give 'em to the neighbors.) I think of compromising in terms of plans, dreams, intentions, desires. When they're very important to you, you have to seek out a partner who doesn't require compromise. The most powerful love in the universe can't find a solution when Jack really wants kids and Jill doesn't. And if Jill's desire to move to Tanzania and make ugali is stronger than her desire to be for Jack, well, that's that.

This particular relationship appears to be an ongoing cycle of honeymoon stage affection, heated fights, storming out, and then back to stage one. His reducing drinking doesn't seem to have done much to change that cycle. I can't even remember how many times you've mentioned this guy's serious problems like verbal abuse, only to insist that it's actually fine and you're all set going forward. Right now it is way too premature to talk about having a healthy long-term relationship when you are still struggling to have a healthy short-term one. Being extra-cuddly and attentive is great and all, but that isn't going to give you the groundwork you need for a solid partnership.

I have found the most important trait is a dedication to keep going. When obstacles arise your first reaction must be to figure out how to address them, rather than throw up your hands and quit. But this dedication usually doesn't show up until you're sincere about building a future with the other person; if you really want to walk away and quit, then you absolutely should. There's no honor and happiness in forging a long-term bond with someone you don't particularly like. It could be that the two of you are just noncommittal in general and prefer to avoid conflict rather than resolve it. But I think if you find yourself repeatedly giving up on your partner, and questioning whether it'd be better to be single than "compromise" with him, your situation is already unsustainable, you just haven't admitted it yet.

 

Edited May 26, 2020 by lana-banana

[Ruby Slippers]

I knew it wouldn't be long before my critics chimed in  

That's great you've never had to compromise and it's all been smooth sailing. Lucky you. Some of us have more rough edges, I suppose, true for both me and him.

[OatsAndHall]

I establish my boundaries early on in a relationship; things that I WON'T compromise on. I will admit, my list of boundaries can seem long but they are what I need to be comfortable in a relationship. If a woman is comfortable with those boundaries and they fit their lifestyle, then compromising is fairly easy.

But, IME, a couple has to be able to communicate properly before they can learn to compromise. Here's an example:

My ex-wife often felt like I was distant and "emotionally unavailable". However, she would broach that subject with outlandish accusations and condescension. That approach got her the exact opposite of what she was looking for. I found it difficult to be affectionate after having some nasty accusations tossed at me with no apology in sight. So, no "compromise" and it became a vicious cycle. Accusation---->bickering----->frustration------>resentment------>lack of affection----->accusation. I wasn't intentionally inattentive; I was angry and frustrated with her and that isn't a breeding ground for affection.

My GF told me yesterday that she felt like I had been distant over the last week. "Hey, you haven't been sending me music or sweet texts much the last few days, I  really miss those." To be fair, I've grown weary of texting during this whole COVID mess but I wanted to point out the various music videos and affectionate texts I had sent her over the last week. Instead, I focused on being more affectionate and attentive. I don't really even view it as a "compromise"; she asked me for more attention in a caring manner and I reciprocated.

[preraph]

Do you think that you are having to compromise more than he is, are are you both having to compromise a lot and it's equal? I just believe there has to be balance, and both people have to be trying and making compromises or there really is no point in being miserable and frustrated. 

 

I do worry about his abusiveness when he drinks because that is in there somewhere. It's not that the alcohol is the only source of it. It's just that the alcohol weakens his filters and control. Whatever he said or however he was abusive, that was genuinely in his brain. It's probably still in his brain or something similar. And it's probable that it will come out at some point whether he's drinking or not. Certainly by the time he gets old, like most people, he will lose his filter and become harder to handle. 

Certainly most couples have to compromise a lot. I have seen a lot of unbalanced couples one person does all the compromising and for the life of me I will never understand why they would stay in such a relationship, but it is common enough. 

 

Bottom line is if you feel your life would be better quality with him and all that comes with it than it is without him, but you do have to realize that whatever negative elements there are in him are still there and he won't always be trying this hard. 

 

Of course I'm sure you realize you're talking to someone who has stayed alone and not done domesticity for the most part. I am really not comfortable with much compromise. I just look at it like there's one life and whatever your priorities are that make you happy, you take the path of least resistance to living that life. And if that does mean compromising to keep a love in your life, then that's what it means. But it doesn't mean that for everyone. 

Edited May 26, 2020 by preraph

[Ruby Slippers]

@preraph, I think we compromise about equally. And realistically, I don't think we compromise all that much - I think it feels that way sometimes because we're both at the core highly independent with strong opinions and preferences, so we prefer being alone over compromising too much. We both like it the way we like it and can be very specific about that. The Bjork lyric comes to mind: "I never thought I would compromise." She's saying that finally, she's met someone who makes her want to compromise - just as @DKT3 said - as she knows in the big picture she's better off with this man in her life than not.

[Allupinnit]

@Ruby Slippers - do you still have a concern or did you just need to type it out?  I think people point out the cracks in your relationship and you are just as quick to shoot it down.  If you're determined to make this work you guys have got to stop breaking up and just TALK.

[Emilie Jolie]

28 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think it feels that way sometimes because we're both at the core highly independent with strong opinions and preferences, so we prefer being alone over compromising too much

That's a fair assessment of your RL; you do need to give each other time to adjust to being in a partnership and respect each other's space.

I'll be honest - I've not seen a volatile, flighty RL turn steady without some degree of control from the one more 'set in their ways'. 

Could be most of your issues stem from being with each other 24/7, and maybe you'll find the key to understand how each other works, but it'll probably involve more 'compromise'.

Good luck in any event; hope it works!

[clia]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Thanks, everybody.

I'd rather keep this thread more general / high level than getting into specific disagreements, as my intention is to get ideas about how to resolve differences in general.

I think it's hard to give advice if you won't clue us in as to what kind of "differences" and "compromises" we are talking about.  It's one thing if it's fighting over what to have for dinner, and another thing if it's fighting over living at your house vs. his house, or whether or not to have children, how to spend money, or something else bigger.  But I'm not sure if you are looking for advice?  Your post makes it sound like you think you've figured it out.

[mark clemson]

I think that to go LT you have to cut your partner a LOT of slack, and they will have to do that for you too. No doubt the more compatible you are, the less of that there will need to be, but A) there's always going to be some need for it and B) people slowly (and sometimes rapidly) change over time and so even if you start out super-compatible that won't necessarily be true in 10 or 20 years. So there will always be punches to roll with (not necessarily from the partner, but from life circumstances, and also sometimes from the partner) and small or large things to either forgive or look the other way about.

The bottom line is that remaining together LT is a choice that both of you continue to make (until either one of you decides otherwise or one of you dies, etc). If the compromises that you must make really aren't worth to you what you get out of the relationship, then you can choose to end it. Same goes for him. I'm in your guys' corner and hope you work it out and have a great relationship, but that's the reality of the situation.

Edit: BTW, I should note that the converse of slowly growing apart - that you slowly grow more compatible is also possible.

Edited May 26, 2020 by mark clemson