DKT3 Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 Even if you happened to meet the opposite gender of you, it will still require a great deal of compromise to maintain the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted May 28, 2020 Author Share Posted May 28, 2020 16 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: @Ruby Slippers I don’t think the issue is on compromising with your boyfriend, as it seems he’s trying to meet you halfway. The issue may be acknowledging that compromise is an important and necessary element in all healthy relationships, and that might conflict with your fairytale vision of what a relationship looks like in your head. Unrealistic expectations are death to relationships. Spot on. I'm a dreamer and an idealist. Sometimes I bring my bold dreams to life in vivid detail. My new job, for example, is absolutely a dream job, and after almost 2 months, I still can hardly believe I'm getting paid this much to do work that's so natural and easy for me. I've been visualizing and dreaming about this for years - working very hard as well, but I feel the dreamy idealizing part was essential to bringing it to life in reality. He just brewed a pot of Cafe du Monde coffee from our New Orleans trip right before lockdown, and I was recalling this one night in New Orleans that was just dreamy, better than I could have imagined. We found the cooler clubs with better music kind of on the fringe, and when we walked into the first club with the infectious music, I immediately started dancing a bit. He didn't hesitate to start whirling me around that dance floor, and he didn't stop for the whole night, as we club-hopped and danced our hearts out for hours. He had the biggest, cutest grin on his face the whole time, I was smiling and laughing like a teenager, and so many people were watching at us with big goofy smiles. I KNOW what's possible, even if only 2% of people or less achieve it, and I fixate on that. So many times I manage to get into that zone. I guess the trick is to enjoy that while it's happening, and stay mellow during the times it's not. This gets you back there faster and keeps you there longer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 51 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I KNOW what's possible, even if only 2% of people or less achieve it, and I fixate on that. So many times I manage to get into that zone. I guess the trick is to enjoy that while it's happening, and stay mellow during the times it's not. This gets you back there faster and keeps you there longer. Or put another way, relationships (and life) has ups and downs. Hoping for permanent “ups” will lead to disappointment and make the inevitable “downs” seem worse. The reason your New Orleans night was so great was because those times are rare! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jspice Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 I wish someone set such a low bar for me in relationships 🤣 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 The amount of time spent and experiences had in relation to making decisions as to whether to stay in a relationship or break it off seems to vary with different people/couples. For some it takes a relatively long period of time and for some a shorter period of time, seems to me. It seems you need more time and processing to make a permanent decision, Ruby. Don't pressure yourself to do so, is my advice. In time, you'll naturally figure it out. And keep processing here if you like because processing is part of decision making! For me, there is a level of messy that if I walked into a man's apartment and saw, I'd not go out with him again. I am very neat and cleanliness is a big deal to me. Interestingly every man I've been seriously involved with, has been meticulous in his person and in his home, maybe more so than I am. I did just date a guy for two years and had suspicions as to his messiness but it was LD and I never traveled to his house, he always came to mine. So I never really saw his place except in photos. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 16, 2020 Author Share Posted June 16, 2020 @LivingWaterPlease, you have such a great attitude. I broke up with him again. This time I'm feeling like it's for good. I feel like he might eventually come back around and try again, as we both have that pattern, and if that happens I'm already planning to start a thread here for support on resisting him. On 6/8/2020 at 2:38 AM, LivingWaterPlease said: For me, there is a level of messy that if I walked into a man's apartment and saw, I'd not go out with him again. I am very neat and cleanliness is a big deal to me. Interestingly every man I've been seriously involved with, has been meticulous in his person and in his home, maybe more so than I am. Yes, I'm beginning to see the light on this point. In the past I've only been involved with men who were tidy like me. I brushed this off early on because he had other positive qualities that most of those men didn't have and I didn't think it would be such a big deal. Later in the relationship he told me that a lot of women have dumped him after going to his place, telling him he's too messy for them. So he knows it's a problem, but doesn't really seem to care. Anyway, not my problem anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 Hmmm. If you look at marketing (e.g. retail marketing) e.g. in clothing stores, they keep everything quite clean. And this helps sell things. I think there's something a bit similar going on when dating and it's important that one's living space look clean. I think there's a psychological phenomenon there, although I'm not sure what it is (and it's presumably minor). There's nothing to "find fault" with. Personal appearance ties into this as well. Probably not everyone is impacted by this, but I suspect many folks are. I also suspect that, as you point out, there some folks for whom all the other apparent good qualities override "a bit messy". Still, IMO one generally doesn't want one's house or apartment looking like an 8 year old runs the place when dating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 My guess he never learned to keep things clean and tidy as he always had women to do that for him. Mother, grandmothers, sisters, servants, gfs , wife... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 16, 2020 Author Share Posted June 16, 2020 ^ Yeah, I don't have company over unless my house is pretty much spotless. It feels disrespectful to them. I guess considerate people lean more this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 16, 2020 Author Share Posted June 16, 2020 Just now, elaine567 said: My guess he never learned to keep things clean and tidy as he always had women to do that for him. Mother, grandmothers, sisters, servants, gfs , wife... Yes. His ex-wife of 12 years never worked during the marriage, so I'm sure she did all of that. Problem is he never adjusted, even 10 years after divorce. Now he seems to have the same expectation, but he didn't support me and I work just as much as he does, so it doesn't make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said: so it doesn't make sense. It makes perfect sense to him, it is just not HIS job. I think such men do not actually care about mess as they know the woman will give in and she will do the cleaning. He will wade through garbage rather then do anything without a lot of nagging. He will bat off subtle hints and rational discussion, so nagging it is... If she digs her heels in and wades through the garbage too, then it will be her that will get the flak from friends and relatives. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 16, 2020 Author Share Posted June 16, 2020 Yes, precisely. I got tired of wading through the proverbial garbage. The final straw this go-round was when he also failed at the "man work" of edging the yard, which we had agreed would be "his job". I got a warning letter from the HOA and he blew it off, acted as if he's above proper yard work. I couldn't see myself ever getting turned on for him again in those conditions. He became about as attractive to me as a weed in the yard. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: Yes, precisely. I got tired of wading through the proverbial garbage. The final straw this go-round was when he also failed at the "man work" of edging the yard, which we had agreed would be "his job". I got a warning letter from the HOA and he blew it off, acted as if he's above proper yard work. I couldn't see myself ever getting turned on for him again in those conditions. He became about as attractive to me as a weed in the yard. Agree. You get to the place where you lose the attraction when there's a trait that bothers you, that you find yourself dealing with over and over. No one's perfect but you have to find the imperfect you can live with. If he begins to knock on your door again, we'll be here to coach and support you to resist. If you go back with him, same. Figure it out at your own pace. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said: If he begins to knock on your door again, we'll be here to coach and support you to resist. If you go back with him, same. Figure it out at your own pace. You're fantastic 💗 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 It wasn't just that. When things were going better, I was more OK with doing most of the cleaning. But when he came to stay at my house, my sanctuary, and started messing it up, that got annoying fast. And then there are other issues, the fact that he's clearly still jaded about his divorce and in some ways was punishing me for his ex-wife's mistakes, his generally selfish attitude, sometimes being very cheap and stingy even though he can easily afford not to be, refusing to finish the job on the yard work he had agreed he would do even after the HOA threatened to fine me. I talked to my old counselor about this guy once, and one of her big tips was this: Consider if this is what you want your future to be like. More and more, that inner voice was saying hell no, I don't want my future to be like this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 28 minutes ago, enigma32 said: these days I usually hire a friend to come over and clean for me while I am at work or something And another thing... 😛 When I went to his house up north over Christmas, the kitchen and bathroom were filthy. After the trip, I let him know I found it really rude and disrespectful that he invited me to go on vacation in a dirty house. If he didn't want to clean, he could have paid someone to clean it. I also suggested that if we continue, I'll expect him to pay for cleaning services now and then, to counteract his messes. He scoffed at both of these suggestions. Though he can easily afford to pay for such a service, he wouldn't do it because in some ways he's cheap. Of course, he'll spend lavishly on his expensive running shoe inserts, frequent plane trips back home, designer glasses, and hiking gear. Selfish and inconsiderate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) @Ruby Slippers he’s not necessarily selfish nor inconsiderate. He just has different values than you, and that’s a fine reason to end things. Keep in mind you’re never going to find someone perfectly matched to you. Nobody does. It’s just what you’re willing to live with and what you’re not. These are dealbreakers, and that’s fine. But, this isn’t the first thread about a guy you’ve thought was great and then not so great and then great again and then not so great. Is it a pattern? Where are your blind spots? What self reflection can you do? Edited June 17, 2020 by Weezy1973 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: But, this isn’t the first thread about a guy you’ve thought was great and then not so great and then great again and then not so great. Is it a pattern? Where are your blind spots? What self reflection can you do? Yes, that's what it all comes down to. I'm too idealistic and get too wrapped up in potential. But instead of running and leaping into things, I need to take more time and get to know a guy before I can determine if we're really compatible. Just diving in and trying to figure it out as we go isn't the best strategy. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: Yes, that's what it all comes down to. I'm too idealistic and get too wrapped up in potential. But instead of running and leaping into things, I need to take more time and get to know a guy before I can determine if we're really compatible. Just diving in and trying to figure it out as we go isn't the best strategy. Totally agree with this! In my opinion it take a minimum of a year to know someone well enough to consider rest of your life potential. Initial hormones / feelings are strong though, but meaningless in the long run as you’ve found out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 I might be able to live with a clutter guy, but filthy bathroom and kitchen, no. The bathroom and kitchen being filthy for your Christmas visit is a big red NO, IMO. He could have and should have, as you mentioned, hired someone (s) to clean, especially for your first visit there and that it was Christmas. And, you know, most people are on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, so there's that, too. You're going to do better than this, Ruby. You'll meet lots of new people and connections in your new job, I would think. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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