Isolation and alienation

[Inflikted]

I've talked about my frustrations with my coworkers, and it's hitting in another way I didn't quite realize. I've started to realize that my three coworkers have become very "buddy buddy", and not just at work, but in their personal lives. They're apparently friends, spending time together outside of work frequently now, along with all the fraternizing they do at work.

To be honest, I'm starting to feel a bit "alienated", and I feel like perhaps my abiding by the safety guidelines and them not has further divided us on a personal level.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in "socializing" with them, in or out of work. I mean, not only do I not approve of their flippancy towards the pandemic, but I'm a guy and they're three women. Besides, I couldn't care less about being "social" at work or with coworkers.

The thing is, this alienation is further adding to the sense of isolation I've been dealing with for the last couple months. I haven't seen my friends since the beginning of March, and while we still kinda keep in touch via messaging, it just doesn't feel like enough.

And really, I don't know when I'll see them again. Could be months, could be years. Heck, I'm starting to wonder IF I'll ever see them again. Feels like they're slipping away, and it doesn't feel like there's much I can do about it.

I was so lonely my whole life, and it was so wonderful to finally have friends, to feel like I "belonged" with people, to have people I could talk to and laugh with and share life with. But, for the last couple months, I feel like I've been back to where I was before. No friends, no "comrades", nobody to talk to or be with. I didn't want to be in this place again.

But here I am. Alienated from my coworkers. Losing my friends. And nothing I can really see to do about it.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. 

My boyfriend and I are fighting again, and it's possible we could break up and he'll go home. Then we'll both be alone again in this strange reality, a sad thought. I feel this possibility is one of the biggest threads holding us together right now. 

A good female friend of mine is alone in another city, far from family, and her dad died recently. She said not being able to get even a hug is really hard.

I feel for everybody right now, but especially those who are alone and feeling cut off from people. 

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗

[CaliforniaGirl]

Re: maskers v. non-maskers, so to speak...it's a thing. I think this entire nation has gone mental. My city and the surrounding ones are turning against one another in a stare showdown over it, forming ranks across the sidewalk, and blowing up Facebook and Nextdoor. It's a lunatic asylum.

And yes, it causes alienation, bigtime. You're sort of being bullied. Three of them, one of you and you're already vulnerable to loneliness as it is.

Can you Zoom with your friends? Keep in touch with them? Remember that there are people out there who love you?

[Ellener]

Are you doing online gaming @Inflikted ? My son said he had been talking to people via a headset.

[Inflikted]

55 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Can you Zoom with your friends? Keep in touch with them? Remember that there are people out there who love you?

I dunno, hasn't really come up. Most of the time, when we message, it's usually just a brief "Hey, how are you doing? Good? Yeah, same" and that's it. I don't know if I just happen to always catch them at a bad time, or what.

25 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Are you doing online gaming @Inflikted ? My son said he had been talking to people via a headset.

Not really, no. The games I play are ones you play by yourself. Never found the multiplayer games all that fun, personally. Plus, I don't really like talking to random people like that.

[Minneloa]

What are the current lockdown rules in your area? Would it be possible to meet your friends (masked, at a safe distance) in a park? 

I’m sorry you are feeling so alone. This is an extremely difficult time.

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[Minneloa]

What if you suggested the idea of a video call?

[Ellener]

Suggestions from an article by Arlin Cuncic yesterday:

Family & Friends

Can you think of any out-of-the-box ways to stay in contact with friends and family? If you are comfortable using technology, there are numerous ways you can stay in touch. If you prefer more traditional ways of communicating, there are still options for you. Below are some ideas to stay in touch with your loved ones.

Send a handwritten letter or postcard

Call someone on the telephone (particularly on days you are feeling lonely)

Place calls using video chat services like Facetime or Zoom

Post on social media or respond to other's posts on social media

Stay in touch by texting or instant messenger

Online

In addition to staying in touch with family and friends, you can also combat loneliness by participating in online exchanges with other people around the world. These don't need to necessarily be your online "friends," but rather those with whom you share something in common and you communicate online.

Below are some examples of online connections that you can make.

Joining and participating in Facebook groups about topics you are interested in

Signing up for online forums about your hobbies or interests

Joining and playing Multiplayer games such as Wordfeud

Signing up for online sports games like Fantasy Football

Joining QuarantineChat, a service specifically set up to help people connect during quarantine

Find Sources of Comfort

Finding ways to give yourself comfort even when you are feeling lonely can help to improve your mental health. Below are some ideas of "comfort measures" that you can take even if you are alone.

Give yourself a foot massage or use a foot spa

Take a bath

Focus on your pet

Cook healthy comfort food

Watch favorite TV shows or read favorite books

Have a cup of herbal tea (chamomile will help you to relax)

Light scented candles (lavender will help to reduce stress)

Practice sleep hygiene to make sure you are getting enough rest

Create Something

There's a reason why artists enjoy becoming swept away by their work. Expressing yourself through creative means can be therapeutic, whether it involves painting, writing, dancing, etc.

If you're finding it hard to express what you are feeling, channeling your feelings into creating something can be cathartic. In addition, when you create something you enter the "creative magic zone," which can be a form of meditation in itself.

Below are a few lists of projects that you could try.

Writing Projects

Practice writing in a journal each day

Take up hand lettering or calligraphy

Start a daily blog journaling your experiences for others to read

Write poetry or Haiku

Write short stories or start the novel you've always wanted to write

Art Projects

Complete a paint-by-number project

Start a needlework, knitting, or crochet project

Compile a photo album that you can share later with others

Work on an adult coloring book

Take up a new hobby like jewelry making

Take up origami

Home Projects

Choose a space in your home and start an organizing project

Choose a room in your home and redecorate by moving things around or moving things from other rooms

If you're having trouble coming up with projects, focus on the ones that you can do with what you already have on hand. Most of us will have a notebook, paper, printer, and access to the Internet.

Using those few basic tools, you're sure to find something online to get you started. You could even focus on culinary arts and focus on cooking or baking projects.

Distract Yourself

Another way to boost your mental health is to find healthy distractions. This might come in the form of reading, watching shows, listening to music, or finding other activities that interest you. Below are some ideas to help.

Read

Go back and re-read some of your favorite childhood books

Join an online book club like the ones at Goodreads

Give yourself a reading challenge by choosing a list of books you've always wanted to read or a list based on a theme (e.g., books all set in places you've always wanted to visit)

Read books of poetry if you find it too hard to concentrate on longer books

Read magazines on topics that interest you

Listen to audiobooks through services like Audible or Scribd if you struggle to read or have vision problems

Watch TV/Movies

Watch TED talks on Youtube about topics that interest you

Watch a series of movies on a theme (comedy movies will help to ease your stress)

Watch a television series on Netflix

Watch documentaries on topics you've wanted to catch up on

Listen to podcasts on topics you like

Create or Listen to Music

Go back and listen to your favorite songs from when you were a teenager

Create a playlist of happy songs and listen to those

Plan an instrument such as the piano or guitar

Other Fun Ideas

Take a virtual tour: Many museums offer digital access to their collections including the Louvre and Guggenheim

Play games that engage your mind such as Sudoku, crossword puzzles, solitaire, or online chess.

Plan for the Future

While it might feel like this loneliness will last forever, there will come a time that you'll be back to your usual routines. One way to feel less alone now is to make plans for the future or do things that help you to focus on the future. Below are some ideas.

Make a "future list" of all the things you want to do

Order online and plant some spring bulbs

Plan a fun event for when you are out of isolation

Make a bucket list of things to do in your lifetime

Make a "goals" list for some area of your life

Practice Self Compassion

Most importantly, practice self-compassion during this difficult time. If you find yourself saying things like "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or pushing away difficult emotions, this will only make your loneliness persist.

Instead of resisting your feelings, instead, find ways to be accepting of them as coming and going. This helps to take away their power and ease your unhappiness.

Remember that your feelings will change. If you are still struggling, try practicing guided meditation following a Youtube video.

Show Compassion to Others

It might seem counterintuitive, but if you are struggling yourself, sometimes offering help to others who are feeling lonely can make you feel less lonely yourself. Make a phone call, send a text, send a letter, or comment on someone's social media posts. Be supportive and offer words of encouragement.

[clia]

Just get together with your friends.  Invite them over and sit outside on your porch or patio.  Or go to their place and sit outside on their porch or patio.  Or meet them at a park and go for a walk together.    

 

[Inflikted]

4 hours ago, Minneloa said:

What are the current lockdown rules in your area? Would it be possible to meet your friends (masked, at a safe distance) in a park? 

Things have been "loosening up", though I still don't quite understand the current "rules", and I feel like they lack clarification.

4 hours ago, Minneloa said:

What if you suggested the idea of a video call?

Yeah, maybe. I always try not to "bother" people, so in my head, I feel like, if they wanted to do that kind of thing, they'd have brought it up, and I don't want to bother them with something they're not interested in doing.

4 hours ago, clia said:

Just get together with your friends.  Invite them over and sit outside on your porch or patio.  Or go to their place and sit outside on their porch or patio.  Or meet them at a park and go for a walk together.    

 

I don't have my own place to invite them to.

Anyway, we never explicitly talked about any of this. It's just, they were inviting me to their place every weekend to hang out, and then when the pandemic hit, it just seemed to go without saying that we weren't going to hang out like that for a while.

Best I can tell, I think they're generally trying to be safe for the foreseeable future, and only get together with immediate family. And lonely as I may be, I want to respect their wishes. If they don't feel it's "safe" for any of us to gather like before, then I respect that.

I just don't know when it will be "safe" again, and by the time it is, our friendship may be too far gone.

[preraph]

Keep in touch with them through email or ask them all if they want to do a Zoom chat or something.  I guess you mean they are going out together and not isolating, but you are wise not to do that, but you can still keep in touch with them.  

[clia]

25 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

I don't have my own place to invite them to.

You live in a house, don't you?  Does your house have a patio, porch, or driveway?  Invite them over to sit outside.  You can sit in chairs 6 feet apart and talk.  Honestly, it's common courtesy to invite people to your place after you've gone to their place numerous times.  Or ask them to meet you at a park or somewhere that you can go for a walk together.  

Quote

 

Anyway, we never explicitly talked about any of this. It's just, they were inviting me to their place every weekend to hang out, and then when the pandemic hit, it just seemed to go without saying that we weren't going to hang out like that for a while.

Best I can tell, I think they're generally trying to be safe for the foreseeable future, and only get together with immediate family. And lonely as I may be, I want to respect their wishes. If they don't feel it's "safe" for any of us to gather like before, then I respect that.

I just don't know when it will be "safe" again, and by the time it is, our friendship may be too far gone.

 

It's pretty safe for you to sit outside and talk to them.  If it makes you feel better, just maintain distance.  It sounds like you don't really know where they are right now, as far as what they are comfortable with.  Reach out and mention that whenever they feel ready, you'd love to get together outdoors somewhere to catch up, either at your place, theirs, or a park or whatever.  You don't know unless you try.     

[Inflikted]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

I guess you mean they are going out together and not isolating, but you are wise not to do that, but you can still keep in touch with them.  

Well, no, they're not going out anywhere, they're being very safe, best I can tell. Her sister (and sister's husband) live right down the street from them, and her parents live around the corner from them, so I assume those are the only people they're interacting with in person.

Beyond that, it seems like they're being pretty strict about who they get together with and what they're doing, for the sake of safety.

8 minutes ago, clia said:

You live in a house, don't you?

I live with my parents, so it's not really doable, unfortunately.

9 minutes ago, clia said:

It sounds like you don't really know where they are right now, as far as what they are comfortable with.

Yeah, that's pretty accurate. I just think that, because of how our hangouts changed, it's safe to assume they're trying to be safe, and everything.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Inflikted, I sympathize but you're making a lot of excuses. Just call them, Zoom with them. Sit outside somewhere with them. Just do it already. This is serious, stop finding reasons not to connect with these people.

[Foxhall]

I think you are overly hung up on the severity of the virus, like your a young fit guy, no need to be going around with the weight of the world on your shoulders,

Im not convinced about how genuine these friends of yours are, 

I think this has come up previously also- you really need to make new ones,

surely plenty of online meet up groups happening currently, if you are not comfortable getting out into society at the moment, join a few online groups based close to where you are living , try to take a more lighthearted view of things- such as that you simply enjoy getting to know a few of the people in the group,

leave aside for the time being the prospect of the virus being with us for the next five years and so on,chances are things will be much better this time next year

can you really do anything about that anyway - so just focus on what you can control. 

[Inflikted]

4 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Inflikted, I sympathize but you're making a lot of excuses. Just call them, Zoom with them. Sit outside somewhere with them. Just do it already. This is serious, stop finding reasons not to connect with these people.

I'm not trying to make excuses. They're currently living in a way that they think is best for them, and for their health and safety, and I respect that. I just miss the way things used to be, and it's tough being back in a position where I just don't really have anyone.

37 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Im not convinced about how genuine these friends of yours are,

Eh, I don't see why. They're good people, and they're just trying to be smart and safe. It's not like it's anything personal. Had this pandemic not happened, I'm sure everything would be as it was. It's just disrupted everything. And in a way, I get that. I know I shouldn't be "complaining" or getting upset about any of this, because this isn't just happening to me, this is happening to many.

I dunno. At the very least, they have each other, and they have their close family. So, they still get to have somewhat social lives. It's hard not having that.

[Ellener]

20 hours ago, Inflikted said:

At the very least, they have each other, and they have their close family.

Do you have family?

[Inflikted]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

Do you have family?

Yeah, I mean, I still live with my parents. But, my dad isn't a very "social" person, and my mom is a mopey depressive person (and the pandemic has only made that worse). So, they're not really anyone I can "talk" to or do much of anything with.

[QuietRiot]

On 5/25/2020 at 9:29 PM, Inflikted said:

I've talked about my frustrations with my coworkers, and it's hitting in another way I didn't quite realize. I've started to realize that my three coworkers have become very "buddy buddy", and not just at work, but in their personal lives. They're apparently friends, spending time together outside of work frequently now, along with all the fraternizing they do at work.

To be honest, I'm starting to feel a bit "alienated", and I feel like perhaps my abiding by the safety guidelines and them not has further divided us on a personal level.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in "socializing" with them, in or out of work. I mean, not only do I not approve of their flippancy towards the pandemic, but I'm a guy and they're three women. Besides, I couldn't care less about being "social" at work or with coworkers.

The thing is, this alienation is further adding to the sense of isolation I've been dealing with for the last couple months. I haven't seen my friends since the beginning of March, and while we still kinda keep in touch via messaging, it just doesn't feel like enough.

And really, I don't know when I'll see them again. Could be months, could be years. Heck, I'm starting to wonder IF I'll ever see them again. Feels like they're slipping away, and it doesn't feel like there's much I can do about it.

I was so lonely my whole life, and it was so wonderful to finally have friends, to feel like I "belonged" with people, to have people I could talk to and laugh with and share life with. But, for the last couple months, I feel like I've been back to where I was before. No friends, no "comrades", nobody to talk to or be with. I didn't want to be in this place again.

But here I am. Alienated from my coworkers. Losing my friends. And nothing I can really see to do about it.

 

Interesting...as my situation has been working in the opposite. I guess my alienation from my friends outside of work due to this pandemic has driven me to become more "chummy" with my co-worker friends. Although, it hasn't gone far outside the workplace just yet, but...some guy said something about hanging out sometime after work. They do tend to have lunch together outside of work PRE-covid (When restaurants could serve people in a crowded vicinity). I think some of these people already know each other via other channels and even got them hired. You know...nepotism.

I live in a more smaller community, so it's obvious. Grew up here all my life, and typically co-workers wind up being friends outside of work. In fact, I've known relationships and newly formed couples and even marriages to come from it. So it's been par for the course in this fishbowl community.

That said, the temptation is there to start jumping in with them when it forming new friendships...as I'm a few month hire as of now.  Considering most of my friends are an hour drive away in most cases....someone located within my own area...it IS tempting.

Can't beat 'em, join 'em I guess? 

 

Quote

Inflikted, I sympathize but you're making a lot of excuses. Just call them, Zoom with them. Sit outside somewhere with them. Just do it already. This is serious, stop finding reasons not to connect with these people.[/quote]

 

Yep! 

I am wondering those that choose to isolate themselves from their cohorts PRE-Covid now have the best excuse in the world to be unsociable...a la...the pandemic.

 

Edited May 28, 2020 by QuietRiot