Lost and Broken

[heartbroken38]

Hello, apologies now if this seems long winded but here goes.

I met my ex over 10 years ago, she was at uni and I was working about an hour away. We met and fell in love and 4 months later I moved down south to her parents’ home to be with her.  I struggled to find work, we argued and then separated about 2 years later.  I moved home and moved on, then a year later she got back in touch we talked, I came down to see her and we fell in love all over again.  This time I had a job ready to go and we had a daughter life was perfect.  When I was younger, I struggled with abuse from a family friend and had never really addressed the problem.  When I first moved back down it was great, we moved into our own flat, but then about a year or so later I had a breakdown because of the abuse and it really effed me up.  I got into a mess I wouldn’t talk about it with her, and I cheated on her.  We broke up and after we broke, she found out about said cheating.  It was a one off and meant nothing (this doesn’t excuse anything I am still scum for cheating on her. Well it took a long time to build trust up, I moved out into a shared house, I still saw my daughter a lot which I was grateful for.  We still remained close ish, but she moved on.  Had a couple of serious ish relationships.  She fell pregnant and I was gutted because I realised, I had messed things up big time.  If only I had talked to her about how I was feeling.  Well she broke up with babies father before she gave birth suddenly I was back round hers, helping with the kids.  Staying over (nothing happened it was as friends).  Then her birthday a couple of years ago we decided to give things another proper go we had both grown up and it felt amazing, I proposed and we were all set to be married and have an amazing life, her grandfather passed away and I was her rock, we went on holiday together had amazing Christmas.  Then in the new year she said she felt she couldn’t still trust me due to the past cheating incident and I suggested we both need to work at things it was ok then in October last year we broke up again, I didn’t blame her at all what I did was horrible.  I moved into her mums spare room while I found a place of my own.  Then lockdown happened and she said she would be happy if I moved back in, stayed on the sofa and helped with kids and spent some time with her.  That’s the way its been for the last 8-9 weeks, then out of the blue she tells me she is going to give things another go with her ( the babies father).  Which at first didn’t really bother me, but a couple of days later it really hit me and I broke down in front of her.  I realised that I still love her and probably always will, she even voiced concerns was she just getting back with him because of lockdown and that she was lonely.  So its been nearly a week and the first few days were awful but not so bad the last couple of days.  Obviously she has said she isn’t kicking me out and that she still cares about me and wants to be close.  But I have found somewhere to live not too close but close enough I can see my daughter during the week work permitting and weekends.  My question I suppose is this – How do I move on? I don’t want to blurt out my feelings for her because she is seeing him and that wouldn’t be fair of me.

Points to consider – this guy hates me because we are close friends, but I mean we have known each other coming up 11 years.  Everything she has been through, chronic health problems, major family problems, iv always been there and she has for me likewise.  I just want this pain to stop and go away its awful. She said to me she feels like she deserves to give him a second chance as she did with me (although not fully as she couldn’t get past what I had done).  This guy is a drug user (he says he has quit), convicted thief he even stole money from his own baby son when he was about a year old or so.  When she found out he had been sentenced due to his past he totally kicked off and got very aggressive with her, but I suppose that’s in the past.   But I want to be the bigger man, I think I need to move out asap for my own sanity.  We are still getting on and doing things as a family for the kids.  But it breaks my heart to know he is there when I am at work and that its him messaging or ringing.

Thanks for reading

[heartbroken38]

Update - We had a huge heart to heart last night and i told her how i felt and how i will always love her, we went over the past my cheating, i apologized truly for everything I had done and I meant it,  and we both got upset. But she gave me the answer I was expecting (Its over and she wants to move on) So as hard as it is to here I am glad she was honest with me. Things feel a little weird because i didn't tell her what i did to cause any problems with her new bf or upset her, i just told her that i needed to say it before I left otherwise it would have eaten me up. We are going to sort things out later with bills and seeing my daughter etc. But i told her not to worry I aint  gonna be the guy who texts, rings or pops in out of the blue for any reason, she said she needed time and space I said the same, so its ended amicably (well as much as it can).

 

Hint for you guys and gals, be honest with your partner, you never know when tomorrow comes they may not be there.

[schlumpy]

Very remarkable. You tell a very concise and emotionally driven story but I can feel the distance between you and the events. Your narrative sets up a scenario where you are being tossed on stormy seas clinging now and then to some pieces of drift wood until you find yourself on the shores of a deserted island - all alone. It's as if you were a character in a play. No will of your own except that which the playwright has provided. All attempts on your part to control the events in your life were futile. The choices you made essentially meaningless. The wind would blow and you would move in that direction without heed for the terrain that must be traversed.

I suggest you stop flailing around and do some planning. Quit allowing false fortune to be your guide. Focus on maintaining a steady job that has a future. Live in an area of town you are comfortable with. Think beyond making the next baby to where you want to be twenty years from now. The house with a white picket fence is a nice goal as is the woman at the house door who is unremarkable to everyone in the world at large except for you.

Work on creating a good solid center to your life. A piece of financial and emotional security from which you can stand and successfully shrug off the chaos that you have, up till now, given yourself so willingly to.

Start with some individual counseling.

That you loved and lost is not a great epiphany when you look at the torturous path you took to get there.