Stepmom made comment that has really angered me

[Oscar1993]

So I see my dad and stepmom probably 6 times a year max. I love my Dad of course and I speak to him on the phone maybe every fortnight. We have the usual chit chat but he doesn't really know about anything that goes on in my life/everyday stuff in the same way as my Mom does as I speak to her every day. I'm sure some of you can relate. I just feel like he doesn't really know me as a person, we just meet up as a formality to say we've seen each other, if that makes sense? I wish it was different.

Anyway, yesterday I visited them for the first time since lockdown, obviously staying 2m apart. My stepmom made this comment that went something like 'I think it's time for you to get out and about and start doing something different, find a job in the city or you'll end up like your mom stuck in the same place for 30 years'. My mom is a nurse and has worked at the hospital for 30 years, if she's happy then I see no problem with that. She works hard and has always made sure me and my brothers are comfortable and looked after, i couldn't fault her in bringing us up.

Firstly, this made me angry because who is she to judge my mother? Is it any of her business that my mom has worked in the same place for 30 years, and SO WHAT? She has a good reputation and is a brilliant nurse.

Secondly, I'm 26, I've worked where I am since I was 19. I am an underwriter at a big insurance broker and I earn a decent salary. My company has great benefits and I am comfortable but still working my way up. I work very hard and I am doing well in the company. Theyll pay for me to do whatever qualifications I want. Why would I want to move elsewhere when I've worked hard to be where I am at the moment and start somewhere else at the bottom again? Im not at the point where I feel I've exhausted all options there.

Also, to move to a city I'd need at least a 15k payrise for it even to be worth it when you add in travel costs, which looking at jobs and the salary they offer, isn't likely. Lastly, both of her sons have worked for her since leaving school, they are around 35. Why doesn't she look closer to home before insulting me?! Why don't her sons branch off and work elsewhere instead of relying on mommy. At the time I didn't say anything because I was a little taken aback. My Dad didn't say anything either.

I thought parents were supposed to be proud of their children?! Now I'm thinking should I move on, am I stuck in a rut?! But no, I'm being offered new opportunities and bigger responsibilities every day. I'm so grateful for my job. I don't know whether to mention to my Dad, see what he makes of her comment and whether I should bring it up with her.

Edited May 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Oscar1993 said:

Why doesn't she look closer to home before insulting me?! Why don't her sons branch off and work elsewhere instead of relying on mommy. At the time I didn't say anything because I was a little taken aback. My Dad didn't say anything either. I thought parents were supposed to be proud of their children?! Now I'm thinking should I move on, am I stuck in a rut?! But no, I'm being offered new opportunities and bigger responsibilities every day. I'm so grateful for my job. I don't know whether to mention to my Dad, see what he makes of her comment and whether I should bring it up with her.

Sounds like a typical bitter angry throwaway thoughtless little tirade on her part, more to do with lockdown and her own frustrations than you. You're already happy and so is your mum. So who cares what anyone else says, let your stepmom fix her own happiness, which she won't do by finding fault with others. If you like her you might say 'what's brought all this on' type thing, but it may just be part of a negative personality.

 

[Allupinnit]

If it really bothers you, then yes I'd say bring it up in a gentle manner.  "You know, the other day when we were talking I felt like you took a dig at me and my mom when you warned me about getting stuck in a rut.  I really like where I am and what I do."  You don't need to defend yourself here or with her or with anyone.  

I doubt she meant it as a dig against you or your mother intentionally - just that young people are encouraged nowadays to fly the coop and try new things.  Sometimes these types of talks can serve to heal a slight and maybe even strengthen your relationship.  I feel like Dads get stuck in the middle of these things a lot, they don't want to take a side, and frankly I imagine it's exhausting to have two women arguing their case to him instead of speaking constructively with each other.  COMMUNICATE. 

[ShyViolet]

Why are you letting this get to you so much?  They are not a big part of your life, you only see them a few times a year.  She expressed her opinion, and it was a thoughtless, ignorant opinion.  But her opinion has no bearing on your life.  Just because she said what she said, it doesn't mean you are going to take her advice and change your whole life path.  If I were you I would have just rolled my eyes and then changed the subject.  You can literally choose not to care about what she said, and just live your life how you see fit.  Wouldn't that be easier?

[preraph]

Is she perhaps just speaking for your wife? Is your wife wanting you to keep climbing and making more money? I do agree with you that both your mom and you seem to me to be doing pretty darn well. 

[Miss Clavel]

you said "they don't know me or anything about my life?

well, when i travel i don't take advice or directions from people that can't understand what i want or where im going.

there is alot to be said for "lifers" at work. good benefits, nice routine, regular wages and bonuses, well regarded by long term coworkers.

so i think you are happy where you are. i didn't see that you have a wife but if she wants to move, show her the figures you posted and discuss the costs with her. it would be a step back and you can get more education at your job and that is huge.

while most of us have climbed the ladder and worked our way up. one of us was passed over. the owners wife worked her way up in 3 weeks.  everyone's plans for the corner office went out the corner window.

staying put can be a gamble.

no. you can not, now, go back and reopen the pair of insults you received from your father's wife/*stepmother.(why anyone over 7yrs old calls their parents new spouse step whateveranything is beyond me, you don't even like her. not to mention you have a "mother").

ignore her advice. you already know that while she did a decent job with her own kids, they ain't any better than you or your mom.

if fact, i want to ask you to thank your mom for her service to her community. 

 

Edited July 1, 2020 by Miss Clavel

[d0nnivain]

That is your stepmother's opinion.  She's entitled to her opinion but her opinion isn't necessarily the truth. It really shouldn't impact you. 

You are an adult.  Talk to her directly.  You can do it in front of your father if you like but not through him.  Tell her in a calm voice that you found her comment insulting.  Ask for an apology  

Going forward let most of what she says go in one ear & out the other.  Basically pay her no mind. 

[deepthinking]

This shrieks of insecurity about your Mom. So she makes an aggressive remark at you. It is kinda flattering, that you get to her, though it may not feel like it. She is not calm about you. 

Edited July 1, 2020 by deepthinking

[Noproblem]

You are taking this way too personal!

I say that to everyone, don't wither away and spend the rest of your life in one place.. How boring is that.

and not everything is about money by the way. It is worth it because it is a big change and new experiences. 

go to the city, explore the world, go out of your comfort zone.. You are still young and you can take small risks, but once you get older, it becomes harder and harder, and one day you wake up and you see you  have spent 50 years in the same place, in the same company, seeing the same people and driving the same road! 

She meant well, the insert of the mom part wasn't necessary, but other than that, this could be the best advice you got in your life. 

Edited July 18, 2020 by Noproblem

[BaileyB]

It is your stepmothers opinion, and only that. 

I understand what it is to want your parents approval, or even just to know they are proud of your accomplishments, even as an adult. 

There is nothing wrong with the decisions your mother made or the career your mother has enjoyed. My life/career has taken a similar course. You are doing just fine, you have a great job with the possibility of advancement and you are financially stable. What not to be proud of...

Don’t let one woman’s comment bring you down. In truth, her opinion matter little. Be proud of what you have accomplished and know that your parents are proud of you too... 

I’d be curious to know this woman’s professional work history. It’s an odd comment to make about your mother, who achieved a professional career at and loyalty to her employer - that’s to be respected, not dismissed. I can appreciate that underneath her “judgment” may have been a little bit of insecurity...

Edited July 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

To work the same job for 30 years is an accomplishment, not a put down... Your Step Mom sounds like a loser... Who puts somebody down for staying in the same place, working the same job? 

It sounds to me like maybe your Dad is resentful that you speak to your mom a lot and your Step Mom is projecting that.