Are looks important in a lasting relationship?

[basscatcher]

I met a guy; through a local dating service, whom I have a lot in common with but I struggle with the not being physically attracted to him. We have sooo much in common. I am still getting to know him and I know I need to give it more time but I am struggling with the fact I'm not visually attracted to him.

He has a nice body, nice teeth, and beautiful blue eyes but I just don't feel that "umph" towards him. I am very comfortable around him, he is attentitive and easy to BS with.

My gf meet him last night and her and her boyfriend both really like him. She told me if I let him go I would be making one of the biggest mistakes in my life. He told her that I'm cute and nice and he is interested in me.

 

I have been clubbing for the past 8 months and I have meet a lot of hot HOT guys and have connected with some of them but nothing has lasted more then 2-3 weekends.

I wonder if I've been spoiled with too much visual stimulation (IMHO-model material) and attention by these guys in the clubs. I've always dated men that I was attracted too and this is my first encounter where I've been attracted to someones personality and interests but not visually attracted too.

Help me, I'm freaking out on myself about this. My mind is racing wondering if I should continue with this guy. I'm afraid that he may continue to fall for me and if I dont for him I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to put him in the "just friends" catagory if he wants more. He did kiss me last night when we were all at a club. I was surprised. I didn't reject him and the kiss was nice. He gave me a back rub when we were outside in the smoking section. I felt like I was going to melt right down into the sidewalk. It felt nice to have someone be kind and into me and not making a play to pick me up. We were already on a date..

I've heard of people falling for someone that they werent first attracted too but whats the odds of it lasting. I love art and beauty. I always recognize a good looking man when he is in my eye sight. I admire a mans looks when I am invoved with him. I like to adore him and touch his face. I love to look at the man I'm with. I have tried to focus on his eyes and smile but I still don't feel any physical attraction towards him. He is not a whimpy guy. He is very much into hunting, fishing, sports, he is self employeed and has to businesses-one in the summer months and one in the winter months, he speaks highly and spends quality time with his children. He is family oriented and close to his family. He has all the qualities that I'm looking for in a man but looks.

Maybe I'm not mature enough in this area yet. Looking at someones looks first. I sound like a guy. YUCK.

Does anyone have any opinions on this situation?

[Lishy]

My friend has the same problem right now. It may not be his 'looks' that are turning you off it may be something you are not aware of. I have met so many guys over the years who i wasnt initially attracted to, but after getting to know them they turned from ugly to soooo attractive.

Good looks come with lots of insecurities so i would say that you have MORE chance of love lasting with a guy/girl who doesnt have model looks.

You should see him a few more times and see how it goes hon and take it slow and dont even be thinking of long term - take it day by day, have fun and just see

Good luck let us know how it goes!!!!!!!

[slubberdegullion]

Looking at someones looks first. I sound like a guy. YUCK.

Hmmm... If I wasn't so thick skinned, I might take offense to that.

 

Anyway, to the point:

 

First of all, wanting your partner to be attractive is not a sign of shallowness. So dispel that right away.

 

Secondly, you've already experienced the club types who may look great and sound great in the din and darkness of a club, but in bright daylight the attraction vanishes or you realize that there's not much there beyond some nice teeth and deep eyes.

 

So, obviously you are looking for someone that you find physically attractive and who has some depth to them. Fair enough.

 

The beginning stages of an erotic relationship are usually defined by physical attraction. But, like it or not, physical features diminish with time. Gravity takes its toll, wrinkles appear, the waistline expands, grey hair sprouts on the most unlikely of body parts. It happens to everyone.

 

No one said that you have to be thinking of marrying the guy. If he treats you respectfully, enjoy his company for a while. If he wants to get sexual, g'head. Enjoy. He may be a dud, but then again he may turn you to putty. Maybe, in a short period of time, you'll come to respect the fact that he treats you well and is almost everything you want in a man. After all, aren't we all looking for a tailored fit in an off-the-rack world?

 

So hang with him for a while. You've certainly got nothing to lose.

[MakeMeBeautiful]

I live in a city where single men outnumber single women so I pretty much have a pick of some of the most gorgeous guys. I have dated some pretty hot guys. I've even dated a model. The last guy I was with was probably not the most beautiful guy I have dated but he was extremely good looking. I melt whenever I see him. It wasn't his looks but the intensity of our relationship that I was drawn to. When that ended I met someone else. This new guy superficially made a great boyfriend. My sister said "any guy who is good enough for yale is good enough for my sister". He is a great guy. Whenever I am with him I feel cherished. There are no surprises. My feelings are safe and comfortable. With the other guy I never knew how I would feel around him. It was intense. He made me extremely happy and extremely angry all at the same time. The new guy is stable. He is a little older than me (he is 33, I am 26) and he talks about wanting things in life that I also want. He is not unattractive. He is a good looking guy. Great scandinavian genes. But when he kisses me I don't feel the passion I felt with the other guy. It feels nice to be kissed all over your body. Maybe a relationship comprises of more than just hot passionate sex. Maybe I can't relate to you because he is physically attractive. I am just not as attracted to him as I should be. I am starting to look for someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am through with dating. I am interviewing prospective husbands. This guy would make a great husband. He has a PhD. We have intellectually stimulating conversations. He is extremely cultured and knows how to appreciate fine cuisine (he is taking me to a great french restaurant on friday). He knows how to put together hardwood floors and furniture from a box. He can reach all the high places that I cannot reach. He is thinking about getting married and having a family. Life with him is not so bad.

[basscatcher]

Thank you for your responses. I understood each one of them.

He and I plan to meet in 2 hours for a beer and to have a deeper conversation so we can get to know one another better. I know this date won't be the what do you do or a living, how old are your kids type of conversation.

 

He is 41 I am 36. Our birthdays are 10 days apart. I was raised in the rural, northern, small towns with too much curiosity about life. He was raised in the suburbs of the twin ciites and has a country heart. He looks like a farm boy type and has country small town values. He was married for 13 years and I was for 11 1/2. So we both have had long term relationships. I have went crazy about men in the last 8 months. He still hasnt gone wild over women since his divorce. So we are an interesting pair.

 

I plan to spend time with him, continue to get to know him more and enjoy our time and take it one day at a time. It will be an intersting journey (thats the way I look at life; as a journey with lessons to learn.)

 

slubberdegullion Good thing you are thick skinned... haha I didn't intend that to be sexist or demeaning. It is known men are the sex that is most stimulated visually. I find myself to have a strong sense of visual attraction towards men I find appealing. I like a "pretty boy" types but with manly ruggedness. I have a tendency to fall for a good looking guy and try to dismiss his really bad attitude or personality.

 

I am on the opposite side of the fence now.. Is this called growing up??

[bridgett]

This guy would make a great husband. He has a PhD. We have intellectually stimulating conversations. He is extremely cultured and knows how to appreciate fine cuisine (he is taking me to a great french restaurant on friday). He knows how to put together hardwood floors and furniture from a box. He can reach all the high places that I cannot reach.

 

Who cares about that stuff if there's no passion?? Isn't it all about an overall physical and emotional connection with another person? I can have an intellecutally stimulating conversation with any of my friends, my brother can put together hardwood floors and furniture, and standing on a chair works just fine to reach high things.

 

I say don't settle.

[slubberdegullion]

I say don't settle.

It's not "settling" to see more in a man than just physical appearance. It's called "maturity."

[bridgett]

What you think of someone's physical appearance is often a reflection of what you think of him as a person. At least for me it is. I think if someone is right for you on a deeper level, you find him attractive and like to look at him.

[RecordProducer]

Give him some time. If you feel comfortable around him, you might fall in love with him. Maybe he is great in bed!

[Jayhawks]

If your opinion of him stays the same I think your relationship is doomed. You have already convinced yourself that you are not attracted to him and you will fight yourself to try to change your opinion. You will be unhappy for not liking him as you think you should and you will make him unhappy.

I would let him off easy before you hurt him and you feel really bad. Don't try to be his friend. Just say he deserves someone who feels about him as he feels about them.

[hooghie]

If your opinion of him stays the same I think your relationship is doomed

 

I agree 100%.

 

For me, the initial physical attraction is really important. Sure, we all lose our looks over time, but if I have the initial attraction to someone- I can deal with changes over time because I will always look at him the same way as when I fell for him.

 

I've seen a lot of people go after a guy they are not physically attracted to and sometimes it works out....But if the woman once again meets ANOTHER man she feels the physical attraction to- she feels that she is missing something from her current guy and things go to hell from there.

[March3714]

I just wanted to say that I was in almost the exact same situation. The guy that I am with now and have been with for the last two years is not the most attractive guy in the world. We had known each other for a few years and the thought of dating him had never even crossed my mind because I was never in any way physically attracted to him. Then one day I started to realize that he clearly had feelings for me and I started to change the way I looked at him. But even when we started dating I wasn't sure if it would work cuz I didn't think he was that attractive, even though the more I got to know him the more I liked him and realized how much we had in common. All my friends and even his friends were actually a little suprised that I would choose to be with him. I'm not trying to brag or anything but most of them agreed that I was little out of his league. Anyway, I decided to give it a chance and I haven't regreted it at all. He's the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful person I've ever been with. And he doesn't have any of that concieted uptight bull**** going on either. He's just him and he very secure with that. I like that about him. And even though I know I could have probably been with someone more attractive, I don't think that I could ever connect with someone the way I connect with him.

 

So I would definately say to give this guy a chance. It could be the best thing you ever do.

[fusangite]

It's not actually this guy's looks that are the problem; it's the absence of a "vibe" that is making him unattractive to you. You're not clicking. As you mention, he's perfectly fine looking -- maybe not as great looking as some other guys you have been seeing -- but I'll wager there are guys with looks equal to his with whom you will click.

 

Fortunately, your feelings about this guy won't stay the same as your relationship becomes more physical. Either you will find him gradually more attractive or gradually more repellent. Let your body make the decision; I bet it will soon.

[juliainoz]

I think it may be something else that is not setting your socks on fire.

 

I met a guy from the net a week and a bit ago - and even though he isnt the most attractive guy - it didnt matter to me, as we had a connection - and i found attractive bits about him.

 

Do what u feel right with though

[littlekitty]

If your opinion of him stays the same I think your relationship is doomed. You have already convinced yourself that you are not attracted to him and you will fight yourself to try to change your opinion. You will be unhappy for not liking him as you think you should and you will make him unhappy.

I would let him off easy before you hurt him and you feel really bad. Don't try to be his friend. Just say he deserves someone who feels about him as he feels about them.

 

Spot on. I was in this position myself not long ago when I was still dating. I met a man who I had the world in common with, was a great guy, would have given me the world. I wanted deperately to find him sexually attractive. I even found his sexual talk attractive, just not him. Eventually as one would expect, I just had to stop the relationship. It wasn't fair on him and I felt I was leading him astray to keep seeing him. Even though I was honest with him that I wasn't sure how I felt, it just wasn't fair.

 

I don't believe this will go anywhere, you can't force it. Attraction can definately grow, but not from nothing IMHO.

[loony]

If I can't, I can't, even when that sounds very superficial. Sometimes I don't like his nose, sometimes it's his lips, sometimes it's something else, I can be quite particular about certain things.

 

I try to comfort myself with the fact that on the other hand I do not expect/demand from him to be gorgeous or extremely handsome. Often these guys can't live up to the expectations they create through their looks.

 

Padameckla, I don't think you will be able to continue with him. You sound a bit too demanding to be able to overlook his lack of physical attraction. I've come to accept that I have certain expectations concerning looks and I can't ignore them, no matter how hard I try.

[elijahBailey]

It's not actually this guy's looks that are the problem; it's the absence of a "vibe" that is making him unattractive to you. You're not clicking. As you mention, he's perfectly fine looking -- maybe not as great looking as some other guys you have been seeing -- but I'll wager there are guys with looks equal to his with whom you will click.

 

spot on. The key word here is "vibes". If I ain't gettin' none of those, I'm 100% sure it ain't gonna last. I've so often been attracted to "average" lookin' girls but found myself totally totally into them because of the vibes they exude.

[FWIW]

I don't believe this will go anywhere, you can't force it. Attraction can definately grow, but not from nothing IMHO.

 

I agree with littlekitty - if you start a relationship from this, you run the risk of ending up very disatisfied. You'll be kidding yourself he's worth having, but always wanting what's missing from the puzzle. It would be a nightmare to get out of. Do yourself (and him!) a favour and find someone else, who feels right!

 

Good luck

[littlekitty]

Spot on. I was in this position myself not long ago when I was still dating. I met a man who I had the world in common with, was a great guy, would have given me the world. I wanted deperately to find him sexually attractive. I even found his sexual talk attractive, just not him. Eventually as one would expect, I just had to stop the relationship. It wasn't fair on him and I felt I was leading him astray to keep seeing him. Even though I was honest with him that I wasn't sure how I felt, it just wasn't fair.

 

I don't believe this will go anywhere, you can't force it. Attraction can definately grow, but not from nothing IMHO.

 

As an addition - I'm now seeing someone who meets all my requirements, and I find incredibly sexually attractive... so I'm glad it worked out the way it did... maybe for a reason!

[helena abadi]

i agree there has to be a vibe, a chemistry, and looks sometimes count and sometimes they don't at all. sometimes the chemistry is instant, other times to has to grow. give it a little time. hot guys in clubs are an instant fix, but if you are looking for something longer lasting, have a little patience.

 

but if after a few dates there still isn't a stirring, then maybe there never will be. maybe you are simply not physically attracted to him at all and are using picking on his looks as a way to get out of it.

 

we live in an age where we expect instant gratification. that's why i say, have a little patience.

 

i thought my partner actually was not so handsome, when i first met him, after several months of talking on the phone. i had seen pix of him, and didn't think he was anything special. but the chemistry went BANG when we finally met (on a day when i definitely didn't look my best!), and years on he is still 11 out of 10 for me for everything, even if his beauty is unconventional. beautiful eyes, sensual mouth, good skin, perfect teeth, lovely wavy hair, long, muscular legs, great body in my opinion and i don't mind his extra pounds which come and go. even when he's dressed in his worst clothes and hasn't shaved for a week, he's fabulous. and the chemistry is still electric.

[basscatcher]

i agree there has to be a vibe, a chemistry, and looks sometimes count and sometimes they don't at all. sometimes the chemistry is instant, other times to has to grow. give it a little time. hot guys in clubs are an instant fix, but if you are looking for something longer lasting, have a little patience.

 

but if after a few dates there still isn't a stirring, then maybe there never will be. maybe you are simply not physically attracted to him at all and are using picking on his looks as a way to get out of it.

 

we live in an age where we expect instant gratification. that's why i say, have a little patience.

 

 

Well, well. I got the BANG last night. We met at Ruby Tuesdays. I was waiting for him in the corridor. When he walked up and I saw him I felt like a school girl. I was taken aback with the feeling that stir'd in me. He was wearing cowboy boots, blue jeans and a cotton/silk denim looking button up shirt with it unbuttoned down to his chest. He was wearing a rawhide rope around his neck and had a matching rope on his wrist. He was wearing a denium wore out cap. He was clean shaven and smiling at me upon his approach. I found the sex appeal. DAMN..... (it's feeling a little warm just remembering.)

 

We sat in the bar area and talked. I was mesmerized by him last night. Something changed. I didn't do it on purpose. I wasnt even trying. I just went in open minded with no expectations.. Maybe I was putting too much demand on this experience. He looks kinda like Trace Adkins only shorter and has a rounder face..For you country fans. hahaha.

 

I feel very comfortable with him. I have felt that since the first phone call from him. Saturday night when we went out with my friends I was myself. I was flighty, laughing, flirtaous, dancing, being myself when I go out in a club. I apoligized to him like I said I would and he told me not too. He said he really enjoyed himself out with me and he wants to do it again. He didn't get the wrong impression of me. He said "you like to dance and have fun." I said "yes." He is a wonderful guy and we talked about taking it slow. He is very cuddly and loving.. He isnt pushy or agressive with me. He communicates and we are on the same page about what we want and how we want to go about this.

 

So I felt the spark unexpectedly. Like I said before I think I have been too spoiled with the pretty boy model material. I want a mature honest and committed relationship. That is my goal. The pretty boys a the clubs arent at that level. This man will win me over I know it... I need to keep myself in control and not run to fast.. I want this to be right... He and I both have things to clear up in our lives before we jump head first into anything serious. We both want to continue to date each other and build but do it slowly.

 

Ye' Haw--Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy. lolol as my gf says. lol:lmao: No sex till we are ready for the seriousness of it.

[helena abadi]

when the Big Bang hits, it's too easy to rush in. biology clicks in and the primal urge is HUGE. you are right, take it slowly. check him out thoroughly. and yeah, pretty boys in clubs are players. cheap to get, they are not after much, don't give much, and have a high success rate of scoring with women.

[Jayhawks]

I'm happy that you found that sexual attraction to him that you wanted. It makes your relationship more complete when you desire him as well as respect him.

[littlekitty]

Hey... that's excellent news...! I might have been wrong... but it's excellent news!!!

[ThumbingMyWay]

Very nice to hear....from the short amount of time that I have read your posts....you seem like a sweet genuine woman....and you deserve something like this.....

 

cheers