Would you rather know about an affair or not?

[pepperbird]

If you are/were a BS (betrayed spouse) would you rather have known about the affair or been kept in the dark?
Why do you feel that way? I'm asking BS because they have experience in the situation.

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[MilaVaneela]

This is a really good question.
In my case, I would rather have known even sooner than I did, because I could have better protected myself and my unborn child (sadly lost because of an STD my ex husband gave me. He was asymptomatic.....) 
 

I know this is an extreme example, but would I have wanted to know if his affair had been emotional instead of physical? I think I would  (not that there were many emotions other than volatile ones between him and his OW as both were pretty short fused and prone to violence, even toward each other). Where it gets to be a gray area for me? If it were online only or over text. I’m not sure how I would feel about whether I want to know about that. 

[DKT3]

Before my wife had an affair I was a I would not want to know kinda guy. The problem is once you suspect it's a crazy making process.  It will consume your life. If the question is complete ignorance without a possibility of finding out or finding out I would maybe choose the former.  But, cheater are usually pretty bad at it so most BS will suspect something. 

[The Outlaw]

The sooner I'd know about it, the better. That way, I can walk. I don't do cheating or affairs. 

[understand50]

It is always better to know, to have information.  Thing is, soon or maybe much later things will come out.  There is Hell to pay for the time spent lying to you.  This includes details.  Trying to make what happen seem less then it was.  " I got drunk, and taken advantage of" compared  to what really happened, "I went after him because I wanted to get laid"      Things come out.  In the end it always better to start to rebuild trust by being completely honest, and not trying to "shield them" or make yourself look as good as you can in the circumstances.   Things that should be put to rest cannot really be, and past issues color newer ones, and the present.  "Can I really believe you on anything - Ever?" 

[central]

If it's ongoing, I would want to know.  If it's over, and I haven't noticed anything amiss, I would NOT want to know.  (Surveys have shown that about 90% of affairs are never revealed or discovered (~86% for men, ~94% for women), so the ones that are found out are the tip of the iceberg.)  However, a one-time or one short-term affair would not be the same to me as a serial cheater - the latter is far more likely to be found out and/or negatively impact my life.  Sometimes, ignorance is bliss!  My wife and I have discussed this, and both feel the same.  However, we've also had a somewhat open relationship our entire time together, which may affect our views on this.

[Rockdad]

Taking in consideration the personality and the heart I have I would rather not know.  An emotional affair would be more hurtful than a physical affair. If it was a sexting situation I honestly could care a rats behind about that. She has shown me several times guys make attempts to flirt by text. I have seen her hit on many times and I can say I don't blame guys and gals for that.  We have an amazing relationship for over two decades should she fall into something I'm not going to kick her to the curb over a  mistake.  If I don't know about an affair or a tryst then I have nothing to put behind me.

Reading this board for several years I know my view differs greatly from the general consensus of divorce and or get out now view.

[MilaVaneela]

About the only reason I’d maybe like to know about an online/sexting affair would be if my spouse suddenly started neglecting me to spend obsessive amounts of time on his phone or computer, and/or if he suddenly became negative toward me because of it, like when a WS in a real life affair starts picking apart the BS and everything they do. Basically if the online interactions started affecting his real life behavior. 

Edited June 6, 2020 by MilaVaneela
Clarify a thought

[gamon]

How is this a good question? Why would anyone not want to know if they're being cheated on?

That's no better than a pig being led to slaughter.

 

[IndigoNight]

I would want to know.  I've been humiliated in the past due to my exH cheating, and my not knowing.  I never want to go through that again.  

[Allupinnit]

A one night stand?  No, I wouldn't want to know that.  An actual long-term affair?  Yes definitely and I would divorce over that without hesitation.

[major_merrick]

I'd rather know about it.  Because I don't want to be played for a fool, and I'm damn sure gonna visit some consequences on the offenders.

[Dexterr]

A person who is supposed to have your back shouldn't dictate your partnership in such a way behind your back, definitely would want to know.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I think so, because I would want to get tested for STDs. Plus a lot of the time it seems like cheaters gaslight and that is just cruel. I'd rather know, though I wouldn't want details.

[understand50]

7 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I think so, because I would want to get tested for STDs. Plus a lot of the time it seems like cheaters gaslight and that is just cruel. I'd rather know, though I wouldn't want details.

True, but I think the following questions are good to get answers to:

1) Who?

2) How did you meet, and how and when did it lead to sex?

3) Do you use protection?

4) Has it ended, or it a ongoing thing?

5) How long did it go on? (some idea of frequency.  One night stand, several months, years?)

Note. I have no questions on how the sex was.  Assume she had fun, sex was good. 

Lastly, you need to assume that you will never get the whole story or that it is worse then what you were told.  Spouse tend to tell it to you to place them in the best light if they want a chance of reconciliation.  Always be prepared to learn other facts, sometimes way in the future as they come out.  The one night stand that starts out, "I got drunk and taken advantage of" turns into " I talked him into bedding me".   If this happens, you need to go back and have a discussion.  If you want to stay together, you are after honesty in the relationship.  Any lie weakens it. 

 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, understand50 said:

True, but I think the following questions are good to get answers to:

1) Who?

2) How did you meet, and how and when did it lead to sex?

3) Do you use protection?

4) Has it ended, or it a ongoing thing?

5) How long did it go on? (some idea of frequency.  One night stand, several months, years?)

Note. I have no questions on how the sex was.  Assume she had fun, sex was good. 

Lastly, you need to assume that you will never get the whole story or that it is worse then what you were told.  Spouse tend to tell it to you to place them in the best light if they want a chance of reconciliation.  Always be prepared to learn other facts, sometimes way in the future as they come out.  The one night stand that starts out, "I got drunk and taken advantage of" turns into " I talked him into bedding me".   If this happens, you need to go back and have a discussion.  If you want to stay together, you are after honesty in the relationship.  Any lie weakens it. 

 

 

Well, your last sentence is really a big part of it. I could ask him but is he telling me the truth in this scenario? After all, he's been effectively lying all this time. It would be...yes, or course we used protection every single time...it's only been going on for (unrealistically short and sudden period of time)...and all sorts of other sh*t I know I'll never get the really truth out of. Hence the STD test, and the boot.