Dealing With Painful Breakup - Doubts Over Correct Decision

[Fred321]

So this might be a long one but I'll try and get everything in as briefly as possible. I met my ex about a year ago at a party in a club. At the time I was single enjoying life and had been seeing a few different girls off and on and was open to something serious but not really looking for it. I went on a first date with her after getting her number and found her very sweet and nice but wasn't sure if it would lead to anything.

The second date however we got a chance to spend a longer time together and I realised I felt a connection with her Id never experienced before with anyone. I was really blown away, but the only problem was I'd committed to go travelling for 4 weeks and was leaving the following week. I told her this but she said she really liked me and we agreed we would see eachother again when I returned.

I'd planned the holiday as a chance to do some solo travelling and meet some other travellers and just have fun. I'd booked it while very much single and I started to feel some doubts about everything, but I told myself I couldn't jump to conclusions about a girl I'd only seen a couple of times and that I should keep in touch with her and go ahead with my plans.

So I went away, had fun and while I was travelling did meet other girls, but felt a little empty and a bit guilty when I thought back to her. When I got home I was dying to see her, but the fact I had been with other people was playing on my mind I was worried it might ruin things between us.

In the end I met her again and we spent a great weekend camping, during which she didn't ask much about my time away. I maybe didn't feel quite the same head-spinning attraction to her I had before I went away, but I put this down to those feelings of guilt and not having seen her in a few weeks.

I have a bit of a history of running away when things get too close and had never previously had a serious relationship, and I knew that I had a great connection with her and loved to spend time with her, so I probably very prematurely asked her if she wanted to be exclusive.

There was a big problem for her in that she only had a few months left where I live before she had to go home to her country, which is thousands of miles away. I said we shouldn't worry about that now but from the beginning she was preoccupied about whether I would come with her or not and asked me if I was sure a relationship was what I wanted. I told her that I felt something really strong between us and wanted to give it a chance.

After this we met up several times at parties and to hang out and I met all her close friends and flatmates. I was excited to share my life with someone in a way I never had before and felt good about the future.

It wasn't long after this though that some problems started. I'd explained to her from the beginning that I'm generally very busy and like my space, and that I'd never liked the idea of being in a glued-at-the-hip relationship. She agreed and said she didn't like that either, but when I told her a couple of times I was tired and maybe another day would be better to meet up, she said OK but seemed very disappointed.

Throughout the relationship she told me I seemed very cold and distant every time I was with her, and that it seemed I didn't want to be there. This was far from true especially at the beginning but I also felt she very much wanted me all for herself whenever we were out, and I wanted a chance to get to know her friends and for her to know mine. Though we had a good clear the air conversation about this fairly early on, it was something that kept coming up and I eventually started to feel like I was walking on eggshells a little bit every time I saw her, waiting to get asked why I was so distant or my mind seemed elsewhere.

I thought maybe issues from my past were affecting things. I was very open with her that I'd had a tough childhood and a difficult relationship with my mother, which had caused a few anger issues with women and sabotaging of relationships. She was incredibly supportive of me when I talked about this and seemed to really appreciate that I'd opened up to her. I felt loved and listened to in a way I never had before by anyone and it brought us closer together.

Despite this, jealousy seemed to start to play an increasing part in our relationship. She told me that I talked a lot about my ex (I brought her up once or twice about fairly innocent things) and asked me if we were still in contact claiming she had sent her a friend request on Facebook (which I highly doubt given my ex had told me she didn't have space for me in her life and clearly wanted to move on). She became paranoid about co-workers and female friends and I had to repeatedly tell her that I didn't have any feelings for them.

The first big issue arose however when I showed her a picture on my phone through Facebook and she saw that I had made searches for a few girls. I'll admit maybe I was in the wrong there but sometimes bored and home I'd look up people I used to know or see just to check what they were doing with their lives (male or female, though probably mostly female). She took this as a sign I was talking to other people and decided to look through my phone without my knowledge, which she admitted and apologised for, but shed gone as far as looking at timestamps and claimed I was searching for other girls even when we were together, which I don't think was true.

We made up and that was that for a while, but after a couple of weeks she told me that a male friend was coming to visit her, and would be staying in her room and they would spend a couple of nights alone together. She also told me he was single and also that he got around, so I found it absolutely bizarre that I would think it was fine for him to stay alone with her without knowing anything about the guy. Again we talked it out but I was starting to feel there was a lack of self-awareness and some double standards on her part.

After that, we had agreed to go on holiday together, and just as everything was booked she began crying and said I would want to break up with her. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she was actually 7 years older than me. She'd told me originally we were the same age but shed felt scared if she was honest I wouldn't want to be with her and had hidden it for 4 months. I couldn't believe she wouldn't tell me something so basic for so long but we made up and I made a resolution to rethink things after our holiday.

We went away and things went great, I felt closer to her than ever but there were a few moments where she would get extremely jealous about something or someone. One night she decided to ask out of the blue if I had been with anyone while I was travelling before we got together. I was honest and said I had and she went cold and barely talked to me for hours.

In spite of that on the last night I told her I felt closer to her than ever and I'd had a really good time. She agreed but as we were going to sleep she started a monologue about every time she felt I'd looked at another girl and maybe I didn't want her and we shouldn't be together. It felt really bad but I said we should talk in the morning.

When we got home I mentioned what she had said the previous night, I intended it as an honest discussion to work things out but the issue of plans and moving away came up and she ended up telling me there were too many "buts" and we abruptly broke up. The truth was that I was in love with her but they way she had behaved in some situations was giving me serious doubts about moving thousands of miles away with her and leaving everything behind, in addition to not being sure if it was compatible with career/study plans.

I was devastated and felt like my heart had been ripped out but gave it a week to process things. After this I decided to contact her and try to work things out, on the condition that I'd have to work together on the things that were affecting the relationship negatively. She agreed and we gave it another go.

I tried to be less distant with her and more conscientious about what she was feeling. I also agreed I'd probably avoided the issue of whether I would move away with her and I'd try to be more open about this.

For a while things went great but eventually jealousies started to creep back in and she became fixated that I was continually checking out his brothers girlfriend, something which was completely untrue.

We eventually broke up a second time when we went away together for Christmas in a big group, including her mother who had flown over and I was meeting for the first time. It was my first time away from my family at Christmas and I tried to make the best of it but I found things hard. I found her mother to be completely manipulative and difficult to talk to, and thoughtout the Christmas period I felt my girlfriend decided to take her side in everything and accuse me of not making an effort rather than try to accommodate us both. One evening for example I woke up alone and discovered she had gone to sleep with her mother. She didn't want to explain this initially but eventually told me her mother was feeling lonely and felt she was getting in the way of us, so she decided to spend the night with her.

The final straw was when the day after Christmas we decided to play some drinking games, and they group decided to play a game where you could take a shot or tell the truth in answer to a question. She was asked if she would marry someone for a European visa, to which she answered yes. She had told me before she had considered this with her ex so I wasnt too bothered, and she knew I wasn't ready to think about something as serious as marriage.

However when we were next alone together she asked me if the question had upset me. I said no as I knew she had thought about it before with her ex. She then asked would I be upset if she married someone for a visa while we were still together. I said of course I would and she said her ex had offered her again within the last month, and if we weren't together she would think about it as it was a really good opportunity.

The whole thing felt totally manipulative and designed to shame me into making a decision about our future. I couldn't believe this was the same person whod been so supportive of me and who I shared such a deep connection with, but in hindsight I know it was borne out of frustration.

Some days after this she announced a string of travel plans to her family while we were having dinner, none of which she had mentioned to me. It felt like a very manipulative "take it or leave it", and I said nothing but calmly took it on board and arranged to meet with her alone a couple of days later, where I told her I didn't seem to be in her plans and we should break up.

Her immediate reaction was to say that she hadnt expected it, but this proved I'd never cared and just wanted a friend's with benefits situation, that I had been more concerned with other girls the whole time and never had any intention of moving away with her. I stayed calm and told her that defintely wasn't the case but if she needed to think that I understood. Eventually she came round and we had a very emotional goodbye where we talked about all the good thing we'd shared and we said we'd stay in touch, which proved to be a mistake.

Our only contact after that was when she asked me for some holiday photos and didn't respond when I asked how she was doing. A few days later she deleted me on social media. I told myself I should give it some time, but couldn't avoid constant checking of Facebook, Instagram etc.

It didn't really allow me to let go, and I continued to miss her and wonder if I'd done the wrong thing. The current lockdown situation ramped these feelings up and I decided to contact her again. She told me she was upset that she hadn't contacted me sooner after we broke up and didnt think we should meet again. I've since seen her on a clue of occasions on the street and waved hello as we live close, once holding hands with another guy which was very difficult to see.

Its been over 4 months since we broke up and I finally took the long overdue decision to block her and her friends on everything, partly not to have to see photos of a new relationship but also to get her out of my mind.

I've started seeing someone else recently also but have no plans to start anything remotely serious soon. Despite the troubles we had there's a nagging feeling that I've lost my soulmate and will never have that connection with someone again, someone I felt deeply for and is still on my mind a lot. There's no doubt there was something really powerful there and it's very difficult to imagine finding that with someone else or leaving her in the past, though I've now accepted I have to move on.

There's also a nagging guilt and self-criticism that maybe I was a bad partner or its all my fault, and that I've lost her to someone else because I was too stubborn or took things the wrong way, and that some of these things could have been easily worked out with a little bit more communication.

Something I've never really figured out is that especially after the initial couple weeks of seeing her I felt a bit apprehensive when we met up rather than madly in love, which made me question if her fears were right and I did just want someone else. Thinking back on our time together and judging by how I've felt since the breakup though I know that's not true, but those feelings maybe weren't as promiment as I'd expected or shed wanted.

If you've made it this far thanks for reading. I know it's a long post and maybe there's no use over-analysing it but I'm trying to figure out what I can learn from it that might be useful in future for myself and how I can eventually move on. Cheers and Id appreciate any and all advice/thoughts.

[Realitysux]

I read your entire post 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Fred321 said:

If you've made it this far thanks for reading. I know it's a long post and maybe there's no use over-analysing it but I'm trying to figure out what I can learn from it that might be useful in future for myself and how I can eventually move on. Cheers and Id appreciate any and all advice/thoughts.

The most important take-away here?

Run when you see so many red flags in the future.

[jaydeecee]

Hi Fred,

I read every letter of your post to the end. You're a good guy. If you were born much much earlier, I would have fallen for you (kidding).  I don't know how young you are because you haven't mentioned it in your post butt judging by your story, I get the feeling that you're about 25-30? If you are, you are emotionally matured beyond your age. You know how to handle a relationship. I salute you for that. 

You're very much into the girl and you claim she is your soul mate. Probably, but if she was, you wouldn't have written this post, you're with her having a great time instead.  Your ex seem to love herself she cares for you. Of course, that's supposed to be the natural thing to do but then, when you care for someone, you become selfless. Meaning, you can sacrifice your life for that person.  Do I make sense?

I think she has some psychological issues. Jealousy is good in a relationship but too much of it is sickening.  I'd like to share with you the story of a brother of mine. He is not a blood relation but he is like a brother to me coz she lived with us since he was 8. He got himself a girl when he was 25, a jealous type. When they were in their courtship days, he was thrilled every time his girl confronts him because he talked to a girl. He said it goes to show that truly her love is genuine,

I don't contest that but too much jealousy kills the love. To cut the story short, they tied the knot. After about a year, he came home depressed. he didn't have a social life, her wife nags her everyday because he went home late and suspects him of cheating and so on... they argue and fight every chance they get. He was so frustrated he had to go for counselling.  

Prior to my brother, the woman had a previous relationship that went sour. The info was that, she chose the guy because she wanted to go the US and the guy found out. 

I am not telling you this to discourage you or whatever, because in the end it's your life. If your ex is truly your soulmate, definitely she'll go back to you because you are destined to be. God made it so. That's my take. 

Goodluck! and I pray for your success in life and in love.

Evelyn

 

 

[jaydeecee]

Hi Fred,

I read every letter of your post to the end. You're a good guy. If you were born much much earlier, I would have fallen for you (kidding).  I don't know how young you are because you haven't mentioned it in your post butt judging by your story, I get the feeling that you're about 25-30? If you are, you are emotionally matured beyond your age. You know how to handle a relationship. I salute you for that. 

You're very much into the girl and you claim she is your soul mate. Probably, but if she was, you wouldn't have written this post, you're with her having a great time instead.  Your ex seem to love herself she cares for you. Of course, that's supposed to be the natural thing to do but then, when you care for someone, you become selfless. Meaning, you can sacrifice your life for that person.  Do I make sense?

I think she has some psychological issues. Jealousy is good in a relationship but too much of it is sickening.  I'd like to share with you the story of a brother of mine. He is not a blood relation but he is like a brother to me coz she lived with us since he was 8. He got himself a girl when he was 25, a jealous type. When they were in their courtship days, he was thrilled every time his girl confronts him because he talked to a girl. He said it goes to show that truly her love is genuine.

I don't contest that but too much jealousy kills the love. To cut the story short, they tied the knot. After about a year, he came home depressed. he didn't have a social life, her wife nags her everyday because he went home late and suspects him of cheating and so on... they argue and fight every chance they get. He was so frustrated he had to go for counselling.  

Prior to my brother, the woman had a previous relationship that went sour. The info was that, she chose the guy because she wanted to go the US and the guy found out. 

I am not telling you this to discourage you or whatever, because in the end it's your life. If your ex is truly your soulmate, definitely you''ll meet again because you are destined to be. God made it so. That's my take.  I don't know if your ex felt deeply for you like the depth of your feelings for her. If she did, why the break up?  

Don't feel guilty, I don't see why you should take the blame. Based on your narration, you seem to have done your best to work on your relationship. She wants you out of her life and that's pretty obvious.  You said you were apprehensive when you met instead of madly in love and that she may be right that you wanted someone else. Your feeling of apprehension may be a result of anticipation from your end because there was adrenaline rush because you were seeing her up close for the first time in two weeks.

For her to say that you wanted someone else is just an excuse, I'm sorry to say that.  I'm not patronizing you either. I'm just stating my thoughts. 

Goodluck! and I pray for your success in life and in love.

Evelyn

[JTSW]

Im going to bring to light the part about her ex offering to marry her for a visa.

She was without a doubt hoping you would offer to marry her. She was trying to manipulate you. 

She has always been trying to manipulate you.

You should feel very lucky you got out of that before she completely broke you.

[ShyViolet]

She sounds very manipulative, insecure and a little crazy.  She purposely did things to play mind games with you and to try and make you jealous, like when she had the guy friend stay over in her room, or when she told you she was considering marrying someone else for a visa.  These things were manipulative and designed to just get a reaction out of you.  You are better off without her and you should stay far away.