What does he want?

[tibbs109]

Dated this incredible guy for just a few short months - now mind you I’ve been married, divorced and in several Long term relationships and nothing quite compared to this! This was Relationship was refreshing, Real and the pain that came at the end was some of the most raw I’ve ever felt. Things were great, we couldn’t get enough of one another, we’re on the same level about so many things, and it was just easy! Here we were beginning to meet each other’s families - I met his right after Christmas, and it went terrific! I couldn’t be happier. The new year came and he began to get quite - he said he’s just a quite person and does that sometimes nothing personal just does. It got to the extent where I couldn’t take it anymore, I missed him. We had a nice conversation and he told me that it’s not fair to me, and I deserve more. That he is in a toxic place and needs to deal with it - that this had nothing to do with his personal feelings and how he felt about me nor another female either. Just that he knew if he didn’t fix this now that it would be bad for both of us.  I don’t ever know what it was, I asked him to let me help - that’s what people do when they care about each other right? He wouldn’t let me in. So we went our separate ways. Maybe I held on to the hope that he said “ this way it doesn’t ruin any future chances for us” . Here we are 4 months after the breakup and we have spoke about every 2 weeks since the initial split. I reached out initially thanks to a number of intoxicating drinks but other then that he reaches out and I respond when I’m ready. I told him I’d be here to support him and Always be here for him , I’m super supportive of him and whatever it is he may be going through and will continue to be.  he asks how I’m doing, how’s work all the normal stuff. He reached out just this past week and told me he bought a house and sent pictures of it! Talked for about an hour and I’m So happy for him and hope he’s as well as he seems. However my question is - what does he want? He left me on his Netflix account and still has my name up as “bae” and he knows it, he asks how I’m doing to his co-workers who introduced us and here I am ..  I’m always left so confused at the end of every conversation. Maybe I just come out and ask , but I don’t want to come off as crazy but you’ll never know if you don’t ask right?! I’ve taken the advice of live your life and I have - I’ve gone out, gone on dates and even have been talking to someone steadily but I just can’t get this guy out of my mind. What we had was real, and this breakup has hit me harder then any of my other relationships or marriage at that - this was real and it’s still very raw right now. I’m just at a loss. I’m hurt, confused however love him without a doubt. Help please! 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you need to a take big step back and stop playing the role of bestie and supporter - not to punish him, but to preserve your own well-being. 

I get that you want to be there for him and are hoping he will come back, but you're setting yourself up for heartache if this goes sideways again. What is going to happen if he eventually fades? Or you find out he's started dating someone else? 

If he doesn't intend to work things out with you, you need to take real time and space away from him. He can't expect you to be his support system after he'd broken up with you. That isn't fair to you. It sounds to me like he's fine being buddies, and he thinks you're fine with it too. Given that it's been 4 months and there's still no hint of a reconciliation, I would extricate myself and let him know that you can't continue being buds right now. 

[kendahke]

On 5/26/2020 at 9:32 PM, tibbs109 said:

What we had was real,

the way he's acting, it wasn't real for him. He's quite happy shutting you out despite you throwing yourself at him. 

Understand he doesn't want that from you--he wants space from you. He's not saying 'come back, I want to make things right'.

Right now, take all that energy to a therapist so they can help you navigate your way out of this emotional minefield.