Am I being ghosted?

[Fraggles86]

Just to clarify.. i dont lead them on in anyway. I speak in a purely platonic way with them and have made it clear i am not interested in anything more

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Fraggles86 said:

Do you still think though that hes not interested anymore or would you say it seems as though he is. I feel like it seems that he is but everyone on here seems to be a bit more objective  if thats the right word, probably isnt, so i am interested in hearing opinions. Like, for example, would you believe him?

I'm afraid I don't think he's overly interested, no. Whether it's because he is genuinely having a hard time or whether he's making up excuses - he doesn't seem too keen to keep in touch right now. The reason isn't as important as that bottom line. 

The contact last night came because you prompted it, really. You had to message him a couple times and indicate you were feeling distraught to get any response . Yes, he then replied but it didn't exactly come out of his own volition. Had you not messaged him, it's hard to say if you'd have heard from him any time soon or not. 

Him saying it's not your fault? Yes, I would believe that. I don't get the sense it's anything personal. But I also don't yet see much to suggest he's planning on building this up. Only time will tell. I wouldn't put all your eggs in this basket though. Based on experience, guys who blow hot and cold this early on are usually bigger headaches later on. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Fraggles86 said:

Just to clarify.. i dont lead them on in anyway. I speak in a purely platonic way with them and have made it clear i am not interested in anything more

I don't doubt what you're saying above but the point remains that you are doing all the work and he's just replying.  I know you said you talk to other guys but only want this one.  His feelings don't seem mutual or he would be blowing up your phone.  I think he's making up excuses to not be available for you.  Maybe give one of the other guys a chance since they actually seem in to you.

[Fraggles86]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't doubt what you're saying above but the point remains that you are doing all the work and he's just replying.  I know you said you talk to other guys but only want this one.  His feelings don't seem mutual or he would be blowing up your phone.  I think he's making up excuses to not be available for you.  Maybe give one of the other guys a chance since they actually seem in to you.

He does usually blow up my phone. And he has messaged more again today too. He has put in a lot of the work previously. Its only this last week things have been different but i also know that he has been like it with others this week too. Not just me

[Fraggles86]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm afraid I don't think he's overly interested, no. Whether it's because he is genuinely having a hard time or whether he's making up excuses - he doesn't seem too keen to keep in touch right now. The reason isn't as important as that bottom line. 

The contact last night came because you prompted it, really. You had to message him a couple times and indicate you were feeling distraught to get any response . Yes, he then replied but it didn't exactly come out of his own volition. Had you not messaged him, it's hard to say if you'd have heard from him any time soon or not. 

Him saying it's not your fault? Yes, I would believe that. I don't get the sense it's anything personal. But I also don't yet see much to suggest he's planning on building this up. Only time will tell. I wouldn't put all your eggs in this basket though. Based on experience, guys who blow hot and cold this early on are usually bigger headaches later on. 

I didnt tell him i was distraught. Just that i was drunk. 

I do believe he is genuinely having a bad time. And i understand why he would retreat and nor speak to anyone. I know i dont understand what he is feeling but i know from past experience that sometimes you just need to shut everything out

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, Fraggles86 said:

He does usually blow up my phone. And he has messaged more again today too. He has put in a lot of the work previously. Its only this last week things have been different but i also know that he has been like it with others this week too. Not just me

So when was the exact last time he blew up your phone and when was the last time he did a lot of work to get you?  How long ago?

Edited June 1, 2020 by stillafool

[Fraggles86]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So when was the exact last time he blew up your phone and when was the last time he did a lot of work to get you?  How long ago?

I feel like having read my thread you already know the answer to this and its going to get twisted no matter how i say it...

Up to and including the night before he disappeared. So, all through last sunday night/monday morning. And then he messaged monday afternoon but that was it til last night. And starting a little again today

Edited June 1, 2020 by Fraggles86

[stillafool]

So basically in the span of a week.  Well maybe now that he's back from disappearing he will continue picking up the pace.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Fraggles86 said:

 i know from past experience that sometimes you just need to shut everything out

Yes, that's understandable. 

It just isn't behaviour that is very conducive to dating. Keep an eye on it; reflect on what you will do if he goes cold again. 

[JTSW]

You jump to his defense every time.

You clearly don't want to believe that he is not interested, but I'm sorry, he's not.

He's not interested, and that msg of his you posted, he's hinting that you should leave him alone by pointing out that is what ppl usually do when they are treated like that.

You can't seem to handle or accept rejection.

 

[Fraggles86]

15 hours ago, JTSW said:

You jump to his defense every time.

You clearly don't want to believe that he is not interested, but I'm sorry, he's not.

He's not interested, and that msg of his you posted, he's hinting that you should leave him alone by pointing out that is what ppl usually do when they are treated like that.

You can't seem to handle or accept rejection.

 

Then why would he keep messaging? Initiating contact. And in that message he even said he wished i lived closer. 

He is used to people leaving because he disappears. Yes. But he cant help doing it. He is struggling right now as he is waiting on seeing his dr for a review for his medication. He hasnt had any for a couple of weeks. 

It is not just me he disappeared from.

 

[Fraggles86]

1 hour ago, Fraggles86 said:

Then why would he keep messaging? Initiating contact. And in that message he even said he wished i lived closer. 

He is used to people leaving because he disappears. Yes. But he cant help doing it. He is struggling right now as he is waiting on seeing his dr for a review for his medication. He hasnt had any for a couple of weeks. 

It is not just me he disappeared from.

 

Wouldnt let me edit to say...

He tells me how much he appreciates me being there for him. Says how adorable i am. Calls me babe, sweetie or beautiful. He also uses my name alot in text when telling me how he appreciates me. He reacts to alot of my messages, usually a heart reaction. 

None of this is anything special, i get that, but surely it is also things that someone who had no interest and was trying to get me to leave him alone would be doing?

Also he was talking to me the other day about his medications and things like that

Edited June 5, 2020 by Fraggles86

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, Fraggles86 said:

Wouldnt let me edit to say...

He tells me how much he appreciates me being there for him. Says how adorable i am. Calls me babe, sweetie or beautiful. He also uses my name alot in text when telling me how he appreciates me. He reacts to alot of my messages, usually a heart reaction. 

None of this is anything special, i get that, but surely it is also things that someone who had no interest and was trying to get me to leave him alone would be doing?

Also he was talking to me the other day about his medications and things like that

If its all this good then why did you come here wondering if you're being ghosted by him?

It sounds like you really really like this guy and can't take the hint.

You don't like it when anyone even remotely suggests that there is a lack of interest on his part. 

It really sounds like he's just trying to put you off. Can't see any future in this, sorry.

[Fraggles86]

27 minutes ago, JTSW said:

If its all this good then why did you come here wondering if you're being ghosted by him?

It sounds like you really really like this guy and can't take the hint.

You don't like it when anyone even remotely suggests that there is a lack of interest on his part. 

It really sounds like he's just trying to put you off. Can't see any future in this, sorry.

Because he did seem as though maybe he was. But since then he has come back the same as before. Its clear he is struggling right now though

I dont understand why you think he is trying to put me off? Why would he be initiating contact and saying those things. How would any of that put me off?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Fraggles86 said:

He tells me how much he appreciates me being there for him. Says how adorable i am. Calls me babe, sweetie or beautiful. He also uses my name alot in text when telling me how he appreciates me. He reacts to alot of my messages, usually a heart reaction. 

This from a guy you have met only once, was that right?

I hate to say it, but he sounds a bit smooth. As in, he knows the right things to say to keep you hooked so when he does randomly disappear, he knows you'll be right there waiting for him when he feels like returning. 

I don't know, Fragles. The more you write about him, the more I get the sense he's just not the wonderful dude you hope he is. 

[Fraggles86]

57 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This from a guy you have met only once, was that right?

I hate to say it, but he sounds a bit smooth. As in, he knows the right things to say to keep you hooked so when he does randomly disappear, he knows you'll be right there waiting for him when he feels like returning. 

I don't know, Fragles. The more you write about him, the more I get the sense he's just not the wonderful dude you hope he is. 

Ok. So see, now this i understand. I do see where you are coming from and it had entered my head that that could possibly be the case.

Its the parts about me not taking a hint and him trying to get me to leave him alone that i dont really get. I dont know why someone that was trying to get rid of someone would say things like that to that person

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Fraggles86 said:

Its the parts about me not taking a hint and him trying to get me to leave him alone that i dont really get. I dont know why someone that was trying to get rid of someone would say things like that to that person

Well, to be fair, we've already provided possibly explanations for this in the thread. There's probably not much more to add there. 

Whether he's depressed or a player or just a guy who's not all that interested - I would keep your expectations low. There are red flags that this isn't going to amount to much, unfortunately. 

[Fraggles86]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, to be fair, we've already provided possibly explanations for this in the thread. There's probably not much more to add there. 

Whether he's depressed or a player or just a guy who's not all that interested - I would keep your expectations low. There are red flags that this isn't going to amount to much, unfortunately. 

I havent seen those? I have seen where others have suggested hes not interested and that he was indeed most likely ghosting me. And i understand all that. But since hes been talking again and saying all those things and putting like 12 x's on the ends of all of his messages. And opened up about speaking with the drs and his meds i dont understand why everyone would still think hes not interested and his trying to get rid of me. I guess i just dont understand why if someone was teying to get rid of you they would speak to you in that way?

If i was trying to get rid of someone i wouldnt dream of telling them how amazing and adorable they are and how much i appreciated them. I also wouldnt want to discuss anything to do with my mental health and would drop putting x's too. Even if not completely i would definity drop to just 1 or 2 rather than for example 10-15. 

So thay makes no sense to me.

 

I get the red flags in other aspects. The depression is an issue but i also know i can cope with that. The player part, i am still trying to figure out. If he is then obviously yes, major red flag

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Fraggles86 said:

I havent seen those? 

No, I meant that some of us have already offered theories as to why he still keeps you on the hook without ghosting you completely. 

If you feel you can handle his depression, that's your prerogative. Just understand that it will almost definitely involve more random silences without any warning. And understand that you don't know him well enough yet to actually know that this is the reason why he blows hot and cold. 

The other point I would bear in mind is that the way you would behave can't necessarily be applied to anyone else. You write, "If i was trying to get rid of someone i wouldnt dream of telling them how amazing and adorable they are and how much i appreciated them. I also wouldnt want to discuss anything to do with my mental health and would drop putting x's too. Even if not completely i would definity drop to just 1 or 2 rather than for example 10-15." 

But Fragles, he isn't you. We can't expect someone else to do what we would do. It's a mistake many of us make, to frame someone else's behaviour inside our own thought patterns. It's how we make sense of the world, of course, but an important lesson we learn along the way is, well, people are different. The way we would react isn't necessarily going to be the same for everyone else. We wind up doing a lot of projecting that way, and assuming another person thinks and experiences the world in the same way we do. It's often a jarring wake-up call when we realize that they're thinking and feeling something totally different. 

Might he be thinking the same things you are about all of this? Maybe. The point is, you would be wise to remember that he might not be, and especially considering you've met him only one time, you really have very little idea about how he actually operates. I would keep your guard up with this one and not get too attached too soon. 

Edited June 6, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Fraggles86]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, I meant that some of us have already offered theories as to why he still keeps you on the hook without ghosting you completely. 

If you feel you can handle his depression, that's your prerogative. Just understand that it will almost definitely involve more random silences without any warning. And understand that you don't know him well enough yet to actually know that this is the reason why he blows hot and cold. 

The other point I would bear in mind is that the way you would behave can't necessarily be applied to anyone else. You write, "If i was trying to get rid of someone i wouldnt dream of telling them how amazing and adorable they are and how much i appreciated them. I also wouldnt want to discuss anything to do with my mental health and would drop putting x's too. Even if not completely i would definity drop to just 1 or 2 rather than for example 10-15." 

But Fragles, he isn't you. We can't expect someone else to do what we would do. It's a mistake many of us make, to frame someone else's behaviour inside our own thought patterns. It's how we make sense of the world, of course, but an important lesson we learn along the way is, well, people are different. The way we would react isn't necessarily going to be the same for everyone else. We wind up doing a lot of projecting that way, and assuming another person thinks and experiences the world in the same way we do. It's often a jarring wake-up call when we realize that they're thinking and feeling something totally different. 

Might he be thinking the same things you are about all of this? Maybe. The point is, you would be wise to remember that he might not be, and especially considering you've met him only one time, you really have very little idea about how he actually operates. I would keep your guard up with this one and not get too attached too soon. 

I understand that what i would do isnt necessarily what others would do but it makes no sense that he would be trying to push me away by speaking to me in that way. Most people would pull back and become distant in this case. Yes, i know he did disappear for a week, and yes i did think he was ghosting me completely. I am still trying to figure out whether he is playing games and 'keeping me on the hook'.

Since we have only met once and live 300 miles apart if he had a complete disinterest then it would be easy enough for him to just remove me from all social media and move on.

Again i understand that if he is keeping me on the hook he wouldnt want to do that.

It just seems counter productive to be messaging and calling someone by those names and saying how much you appreciate them when infact youre hoping they will leqve you alone. Behaving in that way only serves to keep them around

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Fraggles86 said:

It just seems counter productive to be messaging and calling someone by those names and saying how much you appreciate them when infact youre hoping they will leqve you alone. Behaving in that way only serves to keep them around

Yes, and it will be critical to wait see for what reason he's keeping you around. That's where the next question lies, and something only time will tell. 

[justwhoiam]

On 6/1/2020 at 6:38 PM, Fraggles86 said:

He cant help having depression.

Not to be harsh, but a depressed guy and a girl with anxiety... does it sound like a match made in heaven? I might think you like the idea that he has a problem, as it makes him more like you, or able to understand your moods more, as he will have moods too. But the truth is that this just makes for a very challenging relationship (if it ever becomes one), where you'll keep struggling at least every 2 weeks. Is that something you deem as sustainable going on? Being with this guy means you're accepting of his flaws and absence. An absence that is not just physical but also mental/psychological. He will distance himself periodically. You seem to be struggling already. So I doubt you can do this long-term.

On 6/1/2020 at 6:51 PM, Fraggles86 said:

The things hes saying do seem as though he is still interested.

Does it even matter if he's interested? That's quite irrelevant at this point. The point is: is this a personal trait that I can accept? It will make you feel lonely, abandoned, and uncared for. You have issues too. So soon or later, it will happen that you're both in a bad place at the same time, and he won't be there for you, while you were there for him. Is that something that can please you? I think you need something totally different. And he can't give you that. There's not much more to consider.

On 6/1/2020 at 7:11 PM, Fraggles86 said:

would you believe him?

Yes. His first line in his message when he replied was "You're something else". Did you stop and think about that? In my experience, you get told something like that, when you are being in some way excessive, either going overboard or blowing something out of proportion, or demanding something that wouldn't be normally demanded. Something like that. It's not a compliment. It's usually a remark intended to make you understand that you're acting unusual. I know it can be said of something really good, but I sense that was not the case. In fact what followed was "No it's ok". Which makes me think that you were somehow overly worried about him or his situation. Hence the "You're something else, No it's ok".

Therefore, the whole thing is quite unbalanced. You're way more into him that he's into you. You were misled by his smooth talking to you, most of which seems to have occurred through texting. The least effort.

I'm wondering: why making videos when he could have been on cam with you live? Odd. While all the texting and no calls? Odd. Don't fall for someone because he's saying nice things to you. It takes more than that for a real, fulfilling relationship.

[Fraggles86]

6 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

Not to be harsh, but a depressed guy and a girl with anxiety... does it sound like a match made in heaven? I might think you like the idea that he has a problem, as it makes him more like you, or able to understand your moods more, as he will have moods too. But the truth is that this just makes for a very challenging relationship (if it ever becomes one), where you'll keep struggling at least every 2 weeks. Is that something you deem as sustainable going on? Being with this guy means you're accepting of his flaws and absence. An absence that is not just physical but also mental/psychological. He will distance himself periodically. You seem to be struggling already. So I doubt you can do this long-term.

Does it even matter if he's interested? That's quite irrelevant at this point. The point is: is this a personal trait that I can accept? It will make you feel lonely, abandoned, and uncared for. You have issues too. So soon or later, it will happen that you're both in a bad place at the same time, and he won't be there for you, while you were there for him. Is that something that can please you? I think you need something totally different. And he can't give you that. There's not much more to consider.

Yes. His first line in his message when he replied was "You're something else". Did you stop and think about that? In my experience, you get told something like that, when you are being in some way excessive, either going overboard or blowing something out of proportion, or demanding something that wouldn't be normally demanded. Something like that. It's not a compliment. It's usually a remark intended to make you understand that you're acting unusual. I know it can be said of something really good, but I sense that was not the case. In fact what followed was "No it's ok". Which makes me think that you were somehow overly worried about him or his situation. Hence the "You're something else, No it's ok".

Therefore, the whole thing is quite unbalanced. You're way more into him that he's into you. You were misled by his smooth talking to you, most of which seems to have occurred through texting. The least effort.

I'm wondering: why making videos when he could have been on cam with you live? Odd. While all the texting and no calls? Odd. Don't fall for someone because he's saying nice things to you. It takes more than that for a real, fulfilling relationship.

I am not getting into any of the rest of this comment right now as i am not in the right frame of mind to be trying to explain things at the moment. 

I just wanted to add that the message probably didnt make 100% sense as i cut pieces from it. 

The conversation was about me asking if there was anything i could do to help.

The full text was....

(My name), you are somethi g else. No babe you dont need to help out with anything. Thank you though  I'll get sorted though. An because I ahvent spoke much. Most people would just f*** them off. Ahh I do wish I lived closer to you, I could do with a proper chat. Hard to put into words. Thank you though (my name) and you've done  nothing wrong I promise you that xxxxxxxxxx

Ive also had more like this, ill just put one example as i can not be bothered pasting everything... 

The conversation was him saying about having no meds and joking about me having some. And him saying how much he appreciates me being there for him.....

Yeah it means alot. Arwhh you are so adorable. Dont be silly sweetie, thanky you though, itll take a few days to get here anyways  I've been on the phone to the doctors for more. So just waiting for them to pull thier finger out xxxxxxxxx

[poppyfields]

On 6/1/2020 at 9:08 AM, Fraggles86 said:

Didnt post earlier for some reason....

He is really struggling with things at the moment and has been for a little while. He has good and bad days. Im not the only person he hasnt spoken too and i know this through more than just him saying so. 

And i wouldve thought the fact he didnt reply when he thought he couldve got more of what everyone thinks is all he wants, was a good thing. If that was all he was interested in he wouldve jumped at the chance and he didnt. 

It wasnt me personally he was ignoring so i dont see why everyone is so quick to say hes just not interested?

I know he has issues and he struggles but i knew that when i met him and i can deal with that, thats not an issue for me. I struggle myself sometimes too. As do im sure a lot of other people. 

I have to be honest. This^ is your mind engaging in various mindf*cks to avoid facing the fact this man has lost interest, and the pain of rejection. 

We, or most of us, have done same, it's quite common.

I wonder, do you not have experience dating men who are actually interested? 

Depression or not (which I'm not buying anyway) they don't treat you like he is.

If I had to venture a guess, something about your intense sexting session turned him off, which is why he suddenly dropped off, and has been treating you so nonchalantly and casually since. 

Meh, really, the bare minimum to keep you around, keep you on rotation as one of his options.

I'm sorry. Best to get real.  He's not feeling it.  Certainly not to the extent you are.

Try to get a handle on your anxiety, and take steps to move on from this experience and learn from it.  

Edited June 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Also wanted to add, and apologies if this sounds harsh, but if you think you're scoring points with him by "being there" for him, welcoming him back with open arms after he suddenly dropped off an intimate conversation with no explanation, disappeared, ignored you, all of which led you to wonder if he ghosted you,  and created this thread, please think again.

What you are doing is rewarding bad behaviour which is not a good message to send a man, especially a man you only met once.

Rewarding bad behaviour with your understanding and caring is the quickest way for man to lose respect for you.

Sure, he'll keep you around by doing what he's doing now (the message you posted has got "player" written all over it), for the attention, ego boost and maybe sex when the pandemic is over, but he won't respect you. 

Why?  Because by you allowing him to treat you so indifferently (which is what he did that led you to assume he was ghosting), and actually rewarding him for it,  tells him you don't respect yourself. 

And you cannot expect a man to respect you if you first don't respect yourself. 

It's the opposite of what you're thinking.

Again, I'm sorry.

Edited June 7, 2020 by poppyfields