How to stop feeling sorry for myself when I have good reasons to do so.

[abcdefghijk]

Hi, this is my first post, so I am not sure if it should be in this section, but I am wondering how to not feel sorry for yourself when you actually have a lot of good reasons to do so. I know that sounds pathetic, but please hear me out…

I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father who favoured my sister (and everyone including my mum knew it, but did nothing about it - and we’re not talking small-time stuff here… I was literally starving with my ribs showing at one point because of his abuse). Anyway, he recently died and my sister got everything (not that it was much, but again, it’s the ‘un-fairness’ of it all that hurts me) and so I know I need to ‘let go’ and ‘get over it’, but the problem is that I think this being treated unfairly all through my life is affecting how I see other things now (like my personal and professional relationships) and feeling like a ‘victim’ or feeling sorry for myself. So, I was wondering how to get over that? I don’t know if I should be angry at my sister for taking everything and not offering me half even as a token gesture, or just walk-away, but then I feel like I’ve lost my self-respect, and optimism and hope, in a weird way… I am tired of alway being treated ‘second-best’ to her, and to my father, and even my mother who did nothing to protect me, and most importantly, the effect it has had on my self-esteem, confidence, happiness, etc. I know it sounds like I am ‘whinging’, and I am - but with very good actual, real reasons - but that is what I am trying to get over is feeling sorry for myself when I have every right to.

Anyway, thanks for any advice :)

[Lotsgoingon]

So sorry to hear of the family pain and trauma and neglect. Sounds awful.

The quickest path to healing is a really good therapist and perhaps a good support group. You can't just "let go"--you needed to be guided most likely in building your life up in new ways so you can let go of the past pain. 

Are you in therapy? Can you afford therapy? 

[preraph]

Anyone would feel resentment and anger that was in your situation. I'd honestly be more worried about you if you didn't. Which I'm guessing your sister maybe not taking it that seriously since she had the favored treatment. You can't change her so there's no point wasting your energy on it. She will either step away and see the truth one day or she won't. But either way you were both in a abusive household and so you both will probably have to deal with it in your own separate ways. 

 

There's nothing quite so hurtful as a mother who doesn't intervene. So you have every right to be angry at everyone. but of course you are correct that it would be in your best interests to somehow get past all that so it's not eating you up inside. I think talking to a psychologist or victims counselor or domestic abuse counselor or sexual abuse counselor is very important. Bacon kind of clear the forest so that you can see what's important and understand the dynamic and also clear up any confusion you may have from everything. 

 

It might help to start reading some books on childhood abuse and neglect just to get the wheels turning. but it would be nice for you to have some counseling to help navigate you through it. It's natural that this will affect how you feel about other people. Those people were your main role models for how to have a relationship and how to treat people, but unfortunately they were completely wrong. So you need to understand the whole dynamic with them and even how they kind of ended up that way and the cycle of abuse. And then once you free yourself from the resentment and anger that you are perfectly entitled to, maybe at some point you can start rebuilding your trust in people. 

 

one reason it's so important to get counseling for this is because of used people are often drawn to more abusers because there will be something familiar about them and the way you interact with them. And that is because you gained all these coping skills to know how to deal with a really bad mess and you probably don't have too many coping skills to deal with something more normal and tame. So until you get through some therapy, you will very likely let people in who in some facet resemble your past abusers. It may just be something little, a red flag, but other people would see that red flag and run from it, whereas you might feel drawn to it because you are used to dealing with it on some scale. 

 

So I would be very reluctant for you to get into any relationship before you sort out everything and really understand it. I hope you had some other better modeling in your life, whether it was from a neighbor or a school to show you a different way of being. 

 

I wish you the best of luck. It is a journey ahead. 

[abcdefghijk]

Thanks for the answers... Yes, I have been in and out of counselling all my adult life since I left home at 15 - and it is great help! I just feel like I am missing one 'thing' to understand to let go (i.e 'life's not fair - why expect it to be?", or something like that... but I also know it's just not that simple. I also fear that I am in a relationship now with someone who is actually a bit like my sister and treats me like she used to... Anyway, I'd just love to find a book or some 'letting go' exercises for now, as I really need to just stop having it pop into my thought almost everyday and night... Thanks! 

[Lotsgoingon]

I doubt that one book could resolve this. Perhaps consider a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist because they, or the  best ones among them, are good at helping people cope better right now ... and they are also good at setting goals ... first you need a baseline ... literally how often does the past come up? ... what are the thoughts? the feelings? how often during the day? ...you establish a baseline ... and then you work with the therapist and continue to track your progress.

Part of what you want to do is feel your reflex feelings and fears ... and learn what to do--literally--when you feel those feelings. Often feelings pass. Or you can catch yourself and bring in your rational mind. This is all best done under the guidance of a really good therapist that you really like. You don't have to see a CBT therapist to progress, but at the beginning state your goals as you state here. You want to be able to get close to people ... let go of anger and hurt from the past.

Just in my experience, it's really hard to do letting go of serious neglect without therapy. I'm not saying you cannot do it ... it's just hard ... there are so many ways to get overwhelmed in the healing process ... but in therapy you come in and say, "I got stuck last week" ... you review the week ... get at the pain ... come up with new strategies ... and go out again ... dating at seeing a therapist at the same time is also excellent! It's really hard to break bad dating patterns. Dating while checking in regularly with a therapist is such a great way to make progress in relationships. 

And the more abuse we have (and you've got a lot it seems) the more times you have to return to therapy. This time you're looking to go forward ... not just repair ... but do deeper repair and move towards high function in the present. Those are great goals!!!!!

 

[preraph]

I agree that would be a good idea. you could ask your present therapist for a referral to a cognitive behavioral therapist. Maybe it would fill in some gaps and give you some coping skills. 

 

Please be careful and don't crap yourself into any relationships until you are comfortable with yourself. It would just be so much better if you don't bring children into this before you have it figured out, and not be tied to someone because you did have a child who you would later regret being tied to and Mike keep your abuse alive.

[Dexterr]

So sorry to hear what you have gone through.. It is truly horrible to hear. 

My partner was the least favourite child. The abuse did not get that severe, but the emotional neglect, though invisible to most looking in from the outside, is such poison. My partner still tries for her mother, she is always so hopeful about her. Some time ago she came to me in tears simply because her mother had told her that she did "well". Coming from an amazing family, it's baffling to me. 

Here's what has helped my wife - she has a lot of love in her still, and it sounds like you do, too. My wife started volunteering, we joined a dog fostering program, she took what happened to her as a great lesson and has made sure to give everyone around her the love she never got. Making others happy makes her happy. 

You were taught whom you never should become. Take your life back. You will NEVER cheat your children that way, you will love them equally and unconditionally. Be kind to yourself.

[abcdefghijk]

Thanks, Dexter... Yes, I always used to joke that my father taught me how 'not' to be a father  I'm sorry to hear about your wife - that is the part that's used to kill me as well - that it is 'invisible' to most people and no one outside the family ever did anything as well... Anyway, strangely (or maybe not so...) also like your wife, all my jobs and passion have been helping others all of my life too  Thanks!

 

[abcdefghijk]

Thanks, preraph... I felt so much better after just reading what you said about my sister & I needed to hear that from someone else... I have been waiting for her to 'turn' and realise it, (like I did my father all his life, but he never did - he was abusive until the very end, even when I was helping take care of him on his deathbed), but what you said about her rings true - she never will see the truth (or admit it) as I think these kinds of people have a sort of 'coping' or survival mechanism, where their life would shatter and fall apart if they actually acknowledged and apologised for their 'sins' - instead they keep 'ignoring' them and not facing them, so that they won't 'break down' and realise how wrong they were... Anyway, just my thoughts, but thanks for simply saying that - it's what I needed to hear  

6 hours ago, preraph said:

She will either step away and see the truth one day or she won't

 

[amaysngrace]

What I found helpful was challenging negative thoughts whenever they popped into my head.  

At whatever age the abuse began is when you got emotionally stunted.  It was at that time that you stopped being and thinking like a functioning person of your same age.  From then on you didn’t see things the way a person your age would because your coping mechanisms took over in a really big way.  

Whenever I had a negative thought I’d dissect the hell out of it.  Journaling helps.  Putting it in writing is a way to not only work it out but to also get it out.  So important.

Anyway I’d analyze when did I first believe this, at what age? who said it? is it true? can I change it if it is? is it a necessary belief to hold onto?

You'd be surprised to learn that a lot of the beliefs you hold today were formed when you were only a child.  And for you a child without a fully functioning perception.  

It was never your fault that what happened to you happened and I’m very sorry that it did.  Just accepting and knowing that it was never your fault is a step in the right direction.  

Are you there yet?

 

[abcdefghijk]

Lotsgoingon... I have seen a therapist(s) a various times in my life (a few state-apointed, as I was in such bad condition and under mental health watch) but I will try and find a good CBT one now  I have been prescribed hypnotherapy, medication and all sorts of other therapy, but have been off all of them until his death recently. I now have insomnia and wake up with a start (it's not as bad as it used to be... I used to literally wake up leaping from my bed onto the floor facing my door in a fighting stance/crouch as I had heard my father 'yelling' at me and coming into my room in my sleep). Anyway, now I just wake up with a start and begin thinking/feeling powerless and can't stop thinking about my sister and him and then get angry and can't sleep anymore... Thanks for your help & suggestion  

[abcdefghijk]

amaysngrace... Haha! My wife say I act like a little kid  Anyway, I have 'let go' of some things and 'grown up' or 'matured' into an adult a bit... I have accepted that my father hated me for no reason of mine (my mother side he hated me the day I was born), so that helps, but as I said, the 'why me' and 'self-pity' come into a bit (as well as anger) and that is what I want to 'get over'... Thanks for your help!  

[amaysngrace]

You know your dad can probably hear you. You can tell him what you think of him now and there’s nothing he can do about it.

It may be empowering in a weird kind of way.  

[abcdefghijk]

36 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

You know your dad can probably hear you. You can tell him what you think of him now and there’s nothing he can do about it.

It may be empowering in a weird kind of way.  

Yes, I have thought of that... I used to write him letters every week in therapy - and finally did send one, but he ignored it and refused to talk to me about it - but like you said, if he's dead now, he's got no choice! haha  

[Ollie180]

You know, for context despite me being an only child there’s a lot of similarities between my story and yours.

 

If you want my advice you have to change the story you tell yourself! Did those things happen to you, or were they things that you survived like the gritty champion you are?

Are you a victim, or an underdog?

 

When I was a teenager I was too concerned with make sure no one ‘pitied’ me, I wanted the world to know I was ‘fine’. That was tiring! Then I realised that it didn’t matter what any of them though because their stories of the world around them are there’s to write as they wish, and the only story that really matters to me, is how I write mine!

like if you’re not the hero in your own narrative where are you gonna be, right?

 

I know that there were parts of my life that we’re sad... but there’s nothing that can be done to change them ...and it’s a beautiful life, it would be a shame to spend it dwelling on the ugly!

[Gr8fuln2020]

3 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

You know, for context despite me being an only child there’s a lot of similarities between my story and yours.

If you want my advice you have to change the story you tell yourself! Did those things happen to you, or were they things that you survived like the gritty champion you are?

Are you a victim, or an underdog?

When I was a teenager I was too concerned with make sure no one ‘pitied’ me, I wanted the world to know I was ‘fine’. That was tiring! Then I realised that it didn’t matter what any of them though because their stories of the world around them are there’s to write as they wish, and the only story that really matters to me, is how I write mine!

like if you’re not the hero in your own narrative where are you gonna be, right?

I know that there were parts of my life that we’re sad... but there’s nothing that can be done to change them ...and it’s a beautiful life, it would be a shame to spend it dwelling on the ugly!

Changing the narrative. I like that. No, not denial of what has happened, but changing the narrative enough so that you look at your life as a chapter in the past and with many more chapters ahead for you to write for yourself. 

I feel that you need more successes in your life the to help with this. Take control and do those things you really enjoy and with a few accomplishments, it will build your confidence. Help you to move beyond the resentment and not let it stop you from succeeding on your terms. Think about just this one thing...you are married to a woman you love, no? She loves you. My friend, that is a lot to celebrate right there. That, in itself, demonstrates plenty. 

Good luck, I have heard far too many men and women who have had some really poopy lives. You don't have to let that define you now and your future. 

[preraph]

7 hours ago, abcdefghijk said:

Thanks, preraph... I felt so much better after just reading what you said about my sister & I needed to hear that from someone else... I have been waiting for her to 'turn' and realise it, (like I did my father all his life, but he never did - he was abusive until the very end, even when I was helping take care of him on his deathbed), but what you said about her rings true - she never will see the truth (or admit it) as I think these kinds of people have a sort of 'coping' or survival mechanism, where their life would shatter and fall apart if they actually acknowledged and apologised for their 'sins' - instead they keep 'ignoring' them and not facing them, so that they won't 'break down' and realise how wrong they were... Anyway, just my thoughts, but thanks for simply saying that - it's what I needed to hear  

 

She sort of had to learn to cope with it in her own way as a survival method. Her experience was different from yours but I'm sure she still felt threatened because anytime you're around someone who is that mean to someone else around you, you are also a victim of abuse, maybe just not to the same degree but the fear is still there and you still have to bend yourself to cope with it.

 

I think you hit it right on the nose when you said that it was kind of shatter her foundation to face up to the whole thing. Obviously she could use some years of therapy too. Because she was on the better side of this, unfortunately she may not rebelling against it and she may instead continue the cycle of abuse with her own children. I will just tell you that it's more healthy in a situation like that to rebel like you did.  Rebel and reject that behavior. 

[preraph]

7 hours ago, abcdefghijk said:

amaysngrace... Haha! My wife say I act like a little kid  Anyway, I have 'let go' of some things and 'grown up' or 'matured' into an adult a bit... I have accepted that my father hated me for no reason of mine (my mother side he hated me the day I was born), so that helps, but as I said, the 'why me' and 'self-pity' come into a bit (as well as anger) and that is what I want to 'get over'... Thanks for your help!  

I'm sure your therapist must be aware if you have arrested development facets. And yes that is normal under this situation. It certainly can make you have some child like things about you or some immaturity because you didn't really have a fair chance at developing normally, but you can catch up now.

[rjc149]

OP, I strongly advise you to seek a professional to *talk* to. Talk it out, everything, and pay a professional to listen and give feedback. 

I'm not an emotional, expressive, "talk about feelings" kind of guy. I've always kept things to myself, because I'm very private and I've always regarded men who talk about feelings and emotions as weak. But I'm telling you, talking -- actually talking -- about your pain is THE cure. You have to talk to someone. And if you pay a professional, no one needs to know. 

[Difficultstuff]

I relate to a lot of what you say, and what others have written. There's some good advice there.

I was also an abused child - physical violence, threats and vicious, brutal words from my father, emotional neglect, criticism and inability to protect me from my mother, and all of this interspersed with the occasional happy moment when it seemed like things could be better if I just found a way...

There hasn't been a 'cure' for me, and it's greatly affected many areas of my life, especially relationships. But various types of therapy over the years have led me to more healthy understanding and behaviours, and I am more able now to recognise that my immediate reactions to things are a result of a difficult past, and step back and let go a little, though it's been a long, painful process.

Since no one's mentioned it, it might also be helpful to you to look into how CPTSD is defined. That may provide another framework or narrative for understanding what you went through and how it currently affects you.

All the best.

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, abcdefghijk said:

I am wondering how to not feel sorry for yourself when you actually have a lot of good reasons to do so.

Give yourself 5 minutes each day to indulge feeling sorry for yourself and then get on with your day.

Then as time goes on, make it 5 minutes every other day... then every 3 days.. every 4 days... every fortnight... every month.. every 3 months.. every six months... then you will find you're no longer feeling sorry for yourself.

Denying the feelings before they've done their job is counterproductive... might as well make space and time for them to do their job so it's done and done.

[abcdefghijk]

Hey kendahke, great idea! Thanks... I'll try that - as you say, it's important not to try and deny it, but just let it out appropriately  Thanks!

[abcdefghijk]

Thanks, Difficultstuff

Yes, I had one therapist diagnose me with PTSD, and I always felt weird about it, as I thought that was for war veterans or something, but as time goes on, I realise I do have a lot of the symptoms and behaviour associated with it - and it is a very valid, legitimate diagnosis for child abuse and neglect. 

[abcdefghijk]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to say thanks again for all your great tips & everything... I honestly feel so much better already! I think part of it is just hearing that others have had similar situations, and 'survived' as well - it's good to hear that we are all not 'alone' or 'one our own' - we all have each other & I'm glad to have you all here to help! Thanks

[Pumaza]

sad. it was wrong of your parents.this was abuse.

have you ever spoke to the 3 of them about this to.let them know how you feel?

how old are you and sister now?

you can only adres her about how she behave as adult and once she saw what was going on if she took advantage of the situation. because a child dont really chose who her parents gonna make favorite.

have a serious talk with mom. before she die. so as soon as posible.

because before you born there was a history. maybe the man who died is not your dad.or something happen so they took it on you intentionly and unintentionly.

Eitherway seek therapy. you been true some real trauma. it can help you to live a nice life even if you may never get a apology or so.

And do a sport and be good in something. that will help you built self esteem. pray about it to God, read lifestory books about same situation as you.