The very tough LDR break up.

[spicysmile2]

Hello everybody ! 

 

I hope everyone is safe. 

 

I'm gonna try to sum up my situation the best I can. Please bare with me, it's been a tough few months.

 

3 years ago I met a man in NY. He was not living there tho, but on the west coast. We hit it off and connected immediately. We kept in touch, and a few months later he came back to NY and we went on a date. It was the kind of date where you forget you're actually on a date. We couldn't stop talking and sharing. We stayed up, walking in the streets til 5AM. We kissed goodnight and then I went home. 

He tried to see me the following days but I'd find excuses. The reason ? I was not ready for him. I deeply felt it. We had this crazy connection I had never felt before, but the long distance was not something I felt ready for, and he was older (altho I don't mind that because I don't really wish to get married and have kids) but at the time I needed someone who was here constantly. I was a mess emotionally and knew I couldn't deal with being with someone who lived thousand of miles away. Also, please don't judge, he was married. Altho separated and didn't live with his wife anymore except from time to time for the kids. But he was very honest about it, and his kids were young and he was not planning to divorce as long as their kids were home. He was very open about the whole thing tho, which I appreciated.

 

We kept in touch via social medias for a while. Then over a year ago, I was moving to Europe. I texted him to let him know. We started chatting more and more and one day he announced to me that he just signed a contact to work in Europe over the summer, and he promised he'd come visit me. Which he did. 

He traveled 6 hours to spend 24 hours in my hometown. We had the best time and at that moment I felt stronger and wiser. And we also simply went too far to go back. The following months were a real dream. He'd text me EVERY day and he'd come to Europe very often : he'd find jobs there and we would meet in different town.

 

Our connection was incredibly strong. The type of things I didn't know even existed : i'd think something and he'd say it out loud. it was uncanny. 

 

We'd video chat, texted everyday. Etc. He had planned to come in March to Europe so we could take a trip together. Unfortunately, the COVID happened. 

At some point, we decided it was easier to stop there. At this point we hadn't seen each other in 3 months and it was getting hard : so the break up was mutual. we both admitted that our feelings didn't change but the uncertainty of the situation was making it very hard. (at this point tho - he was considering taking a job full time closer to Europe) 

 

The following weeks were tough : he'd text me everyday still, one day admitting that he spoke about me to his shrink during a whole session, adding that his shrink "thought very highly of me". He kept saying he missed me and that he was here for me no matter what. I felt the same way. When I couldn't sleep, he was here. When I felt down, he was here. 

But then he stopped texting me. I didn't text him for a while. But then ended up asking him to call me. Which he did. I asked what was that distance he put between us. He admitted to having a really hard time dealing with the break up, that he was still missing me but that he felt that it wasn't helping us to text constantly. He said he was holding on tight to a book he bought for us to read together, and was hoping to see me but that we had to try not to have expectation because of the uncertainty of everything. and that we couldn't reach that point if we were constantly talking. But he admitted that he felt so much for me still and life was s***ty for him lately. 

 

He called me back a couple days later to talk about one of my project. We even flirted a bit. 

 

Then I decided to take a step back and stop reaching out. (at that point I was the one texting him more for the first time). 

 

Two weeks went by, he'd often comment on my social medias. More and more. Then after two weeks he texted me, saying he was thinking of me, and that I looked happy and free. I told him it was still a bit better when he was here. He said "you're still with me. know that." 

 

So two days ago I asked him how he was doing. He said he had a hard time sleeping. But seemed cold. Altho he was working when I texted him.

 

Sorry about that long-ass story, I wanted to be as close as possible to the reality of the situation. 

 

Now here's my thing : I suffer tremendously. It's been three months since we ended things, and six months since we've seen each other and I miss him every single day, it's not going away. I know some think LDR are not real life. But this man was more present in my life than anyone else. I know he believed sincerely in us up until the realities became clearer. He lifted me up incredibly, and we would spend our time talking and telling each other our thoughts and feelings. He admitted he'd never felt that way, and so did I. 

 

I'm aching like never before. Altho I've gotten my life back on track (work is amazing, my friends are here, I work out every day, I quit drinking and smoking altogether) he's on my mind every single day and I'm just heartbroken life never before. I was planning on moving back to north America, but now with the sanitary situation nothing is sure anymore. 

 

Also, he's had way less partners than I have. His wife was his first love and its only around 5 years ago that they decided to "each have their lives" and hes very sentimental and romantic. He sees me like younger and wilder. 

 

Please be kind in your advices, I know that situation is a bit f***ed up. But it's been a tough few months and I can't deal with mean comments or judgements.

 

Thank you so much in advance for your insights.

 

❤️

 

 

Edited May 28, 2020 by spicysmile2

[Ollie180]

...I think.. putting myself in your shoes you need to decided what you want.. like be 100% sure on it. Do you want in or out?

and the key to it is deciding what you want irrespective of his feeling on the matter. Like, I always think it’s important to be Intune with your own feelings first and foremost.

 

if you want him! Irrespective of the challenges or the difficulties, you want him.. then... I’d say lay it on the table! Like, be really straight and really clear..

”I know it’s messy, I know it won’t be easy, but I’m 100% in this and 100% committed” type of thing

...and then balls in his court! He can either match that commitment or her can’t - but at least you’ll know! And then and only then can you either get closure OR you guys really really make a go of it..

[spicysmile2]

2 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

...I think.. putting myself in your shoes you need to decided what you want.. like be 100% sure on it. Do you want in or out?

and the key to it is deciding what you want irrespective of his feeling on the matter. Like, I always think it’s important to be Intune with your own feelings first and foremost.

 

if you want him! Irrespective of the challenges or the difficulties, you want him.. then... I’d say lay it on the table! Like, be really straight and really clear..

”I know it’s messy, I know it won’t be easy, but I’m 100% in this and 100% committed” type of thing

...and then balls in his court! He can either match that commitment or her can’t - but at least you’ll know! And then and only then can you either get closure OR you guys really really make a go of it..

Thanks for your insight Ollie ! 

 

The thing is - and this is why I've thought of doing that but haven't - I don't know where I'll be in a year. I do want to move back to the East coast. But I'm working on the most important project of my life so far and I know I'll be stuck here for another year, and I know he has commitment back there that he can't escape from. It'd be unfair of me to ask him to do so, just like it'd be of him to ask me to sacrifice my career. So part of me feels I need to be patient. See how this plays out. I still hope he can travel to me once things worldwide get better, and that we can have this conversation in person. We were talking about moving forward together a bit and I know he truly wanted this but I also know he has things he needs to take care of. I doubt his feelings for me have changed at this point. I know he wants to see me and I know it'll be romantic if it happens because I believe he's always had a soft spot for me and things didn't die out. 

 

I don't think I can cut him out of my life. but there's nothing we even physically can do at this point because of the travel ban. We're stuck in limbos.  

[Ollie180]

9 hours ago, spicysmile2 said:

The thing is - and this is why I've thought of doing that but haven't - I don't know where I'll be in a year. I do want to move back to the East coast. But I'm working on the most important project of my life so far and I know I'll be stuck here for another year, and I know he has commitment back there that he can't escape from. It'd be unfair of me to ask him to do so, just like it'd be of him to ask me to sacrifice my career.

I met the love of my life when I was living in Africa. I was the most settled id ever been, loved my job, loved my friends, loved where I lived, it felt like home. Yet I spent like 2 months with her and that was it, I knew I couldn’t be where she wasn’t, so I give it all up to move home with her! I loved my job, but I didn’t love it enough to stay.

I don’t regret that. I think it’s really hard when you want two things (that pull in opposite directions) to be able to fond the clarity in your self to know, yes I want X, but not enough to sacrifice Y!

I think you have that clarity already (which is amazing), you can admit you want him - but not enough to sacrifice an opportunity that I can imagine you’ve worked a Very long time for!

 

so with that clarity... you have as I see it 3 options..

1) you guys stay ‘split up’. I feel like this would be tough for you guys - you apparently both have feelings, you have no closure, it maybe leaves too much of a ‘what if’??

2) you commit. Not move because, certain things at this time are the priority but commit to the relationship. Like bf/gf, exclusive, whatever you want to call it.

personally, I would need a ‘date’ to be able to do that.. Would you be willing to say ‘I need to finish this project. It ends on x date. After that I totally commit to this move irrespective of whatever else’ and would he be willing to say the same?

(However I’m sure there’s lots of folks on this forum who have committed without such a date)

3) You stay casual! You admit to each other yes you like each other, but the timing isn’t right. So you’ll keep it causal until after a certain thing, or date, or whatever - and at that point you guys will reassess...

I guess this is kind of where you were at before your breakup??

Its such a hard thing to give advice in because there’s nothing wrong with option 3 but I know, if I really liked someone I wouldn’t be able to do that! But this is about you, and I don’t know you well enough to be able to make that same judgment, so it’s something for you to give serious thought to I guess!

[spicysmile2]

52 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

 

3) You stay casual! You admit to each other yes you like each other, but the timing isn’t right. So you’ll keep it causal until after a certain thing, or date, or whatever - and at that point you guys will reassess...

 

Exactly. I guess we kind of picked that option. That's actually what we spoke about last time we were on the phone. But we don't chat like we used to and it hurts me a bit to be honest. I miss him and everyday I wonder if his feelings for me have changed. But that something I gotta work on anyway.

[DearingFrau]

Hey there.  Sorry you're going through this. I hate to break this to you, but there might have been other women before you. A man not faithful to his marriage but not strong enough to divorce and completely move on.. this is what you are dealing with.  He's having his cake and eating it too. You can move on even when you have children, but you usually need to be in the area, or give your spouse full custody. He's just not willing to lose his kids.  So how do you think you're ever going to make a life together?  He's not going to move to the UK, divorce his wife, and give his wife full custody of the kids. He is simply not going to do it. It was convenient when you were closer, but now you're just too far and too complicated to bother with.  So he is having a hard time with this, I'm sure. Sorry if this is hurtful to hear.

If you want to stop doing this hot-and-cold stuff, you need to do "no contact." There are a lot of resources and topics on this forum about no contact.

Maybe when his kids are grown up and he can commit to you fully years down the road you could strike it up again, but I wouldn't wait around for him.

Also, a man who truly cares about you would not put you in this position and would divorce his wife and make it work with you.  He's not invested, and you're overly invested. Dial back how invested you are.  Distract yourself, better yourself, spend time with friends and be happy.  Date around casually.  Go no contact with him. That way you are giving him the care he is giving you: none.  You shouldn't have to wallow in feelings for him while he's playing house with his wife. He's not pining for you every moment like you are for him.  He's playing with his kids, laughing and smiling, enjoying not having to completely take care of them and dumping them with his wife when he feels like not being around. And what do you think he's doing with that time? 

Just beware: No contact is like catnip for men... he'll suddenly be really really interested in you again and will say lots of romantic and extravagant things to get you back to being his sidepiece. Don't fall for it, and continue to be you and be happy without him. You deserve that.

Good luck!

Edited June 1, 2020 by DearingFrau

[spicysmile2]

6 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

Hey there.  Sorry you're going through this. I hate to break this to you, but there might have been other women before you. A man not faithful to his marriage but not strong enough to divorce and completely move on.. this is what you are dealing with.  He's having his cake and eating it too.

Hi there.

Yeah they have been separated for 7 years now. He's dated about 4 girls before me. for 23 years he was faithful tho. It's when he first started seeing another girl that he had a talk with his wife and told her and she didn't mind. She doesn't want to get divorce because of the kid and up until recently he wasn't thinking about divorce either. It's only been in his mind for about 2 years. 

As I said, he's been really honest with me about it all. He's not a player at all. There's just no spark left and they don't have the gut to go through with a divorce. But I'm aware of the women he dated before me.

 

As for the rest of your post, I agree. Altho he used to be the one more invested (travelling, making plan, finding contracts near me...) and right after we broke up (he'd keep texting me everyday) the last couple months he hasn't give me much. that's why for the last 3 weeks I didn't contact him. He'd hit me up on IG and one time via messages saying he was thinking of me... But I'd answer everytime. 

I decided to take a step back after the convo we had (that I initiated - the first time in a while) where I told him I was here for him. It didn't seem to do much for him. 

So when two days later (Friday) he hit me up on IG regarding one of my stories, I ignored it. Haven't heard from him since tho... I wonder if that'll work on him.

Edited June 1, 2020 by spicysmile2