The 4 Kinds of Romantic Relationships

[Wave Rider]

I’d like your comments and feedback on this.  I think there are 4 kinds of romantic relationships: 1) mutual physical attraction, 2) soul mate/twin flame, 3) best friends, and 4) transactional. 

1)    Partners in "mutual physical attraction" relationships don’t share many common hobbies and interests, and they may barely even be friends, so the relationship depends mostly on mutual romantic/sexual interest to keep it going.  There may be some anxious/avoidnt dynamics going on, but it’s not extreme.  Eventually a friendship may form, but if it doesn’t, then the relationship becomes boring and empty and fizzles out.    

2)    "Soul mate/twin flame" relationships are characterized by intense chemistry, a sense of cosmic connection, feelings of destiny, intense highs and lows, and frequent conflict.  The relationship is very stormy as each partner has a way of aggravating old childhood wounds in the other. Anxious/avoidant dynamics can become destructively intense.  The relationship holds great transformational power for those who are willing to confront their problems, but for those who are unwilling to confront themselves, the relationship ends badly and often quite dramatically.  This was the relationship ideal for the Baby Boomer generation (i.e. "I knew you before I met you.") 

3)    "Best friends" relationships happen when people have a lot of mutual interests.  They work out together, play games together, go shopping together, and do their shared hobbies together.  These are usually very stable relationships because both people have secure attachment, so there are few problems with anxious/avoidant.  The trouble for most people is finding an opposite-gender person who can fill the role of a best friend, which includes the difficulty of finding an opposite-gender person with similar hobbies, interests, values, lifestyle, political beliefs, religious beliefs, etc.  This is the relationship ideal for the Millennial generation (i.e. “today I married my best friend.”)

4)    "Transactional" relationships happen when people come together for the mutual benefit of sharing resources.  Think 1950s Leave-it-to-Beaver male breadwinner/female homemaker relationships.  Anxious/avoidant dynamics are largely irrelevant because love is secondary to utility, and each person knows their role in the relationship and sticks to it.  There are other ways for transactional relationships to form, i.e. you find yourself in a similar situation to another person and it becomes convenient to share resources.  This was the relationship ideal for most of human history. 

By far the most common type of relationship I’ve had is 1).  2) has happened to me only once, and that was the most influential relationship of my life.  I am extremely frustrated with 3) because I have never had a female best friend (all my best friends have been men), and I have found that women who share my hobbies and interests are rare.   4) was the basis of marriage for most of history as marriages were arranged for the purpose of economic security, but now engaging in 4) is widely disparaged as a form of “settling.”  So for practical purposes, 1) is out and 4) is out, so we’re left with 2) and 3), both of which can be very difficult to find.  Soul mates are rare and relationships with them are often stormy and difficult, but I think it’s equally difficult to find an opposite-gender best friend. 

Edited May 28, 2020 by Wave Rider

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Wave Rider said:

I’d like your comments and feedback on this. 

2)    "Soul mate/twin flame" relationships are characterized by intense chemistry, a sense of cosmic connection, feelings of destiny, intense highs and lows, and frequent conflict.  The relationship is very stormy ...

Perhaps it's just me, but to me the #2 type sounds a lot more like when two people with BPD (or strong BPD tendencies) and/or anxious or disorganized attachment try to make things work, rather than actual soul mates. I think a true soulmate might be more like something @chillii described with a woman where they would apparently have what might be described as recurring ESP-type experiences with some frequency. Even that relationship didn't last forever, so perhaps even "soul-mates" is ultimately transitory (like everything in the world appears to be).

[Foxhall]

Interesting post. trying to apply this to my own relationship cannot give a clear answer,

somewhere between points 2 and 3 probably.