Should I send her a letter explaining my feeling after being rejected (ish). First time being rejected (ish)

[Pulasari]

Dear all,

First of all, I’m so thankful I have came across this website. I will have everything in bullet point form, as I find it easier for you to read.

It will be a bit long, but I really need to share all this so that you would understand my point of view, and would have a better overview on how to help me with my question.

A little bit about myself:

• I'm currently in my late 20s.
• Right now, I live (and grew up) in a country where "normal" dating standard is not applicable (no close proximity, no physical contacts [not advisable], etc.). Though, I had most of my highschool/adult life living abroad for almost 10 year before coming back home.
• I went to male boarding schools, and then to male-majority engineering schools and working in male-majority environment. So basically, just being around guys throughout my life. Plus, I'm currently with the naval reserve force, another male-dominated envinronment.
• I only had 1 experience in a real relationship with a girl/woman before (not much of female presence around me accept for my siblings).
• I was in a relationship (2-3 years ago), and it was her (she was older than me, a divorcee, a friend of my sister) that made all the moves because she knows that I had no experiences in real relationship. I actually learnt a lot whilst being in relationship with her. She proposed to me, and wanted me to meet her parents, but after being around her for almost a year, I kindly declined because I think that I wouldn't be able to fulfill her expectation, and I do not want to hurt her. (Something that makes me sad when reminiscing my past). She's now married and is expecting a baby this year (got the news from my sister).
• Right now, people would consider myself as "successful" according to the society. People think that this guy has figured out things in life, but I am... an amateur in relationship. Which really really makes me... sad. I'd prefer a simple and happy life. 

Situation (before confession):

• I have recently confessed my feelings to a girl that I got in contact during the lockdown period in my country. She's from a different country, different culture and different worldview (basically, she's a European, and I'm Asian).
• I went out on 2 dates (it was a big thing for me back then) with her when she was doing her Master's Degree in my country, around 3-4 years ago. Then I ghosted because, she wanted me to come and accompany her on a boat (there's was a huge lake in her university compound, so she liked to do that from time to time) at 2-3 AM. I was... I found it very weird, maybe because someone (a girl) asked me to come meet her at that time. Since then, I didn't contacted her. I knew that she wanted someone to accompany her, but... maybe I was "shocked" seeing that kind of request (from my culture point of view) or just being stupid.
• It was in February that I suddently saw a post from her on Linkedin, and I... said hi to her. We chatted via Linkedin for a few days before I asked her for her whatsapp number. In my mind, I was just contacting someone that I lost contact for a few years, no expectation for any relationship of what so ever.
• On Whatsapp... we chatted almost everyday. I'd sent her stuffs that I did, she replied... at first it was amical as I was kinda excited getting text for a female friend (I do get text from other women, but strictly professional). We talked about a lot of stuffs, her childhood, her family, her interests ect.
• But from days/weeks of messaging her, my feeling towards her grew. She sent me daily wishes, I'd sent her as well, plus some evening jokes before I head to bed.
• We're 6000KM apart, so it was strictly texting, voice mail, and internet call. She resides in a country where video calling outside of the country is considered illegal (yes, this is something new to me as well). But, since I went out with her before (briefly)... so I know how she looks, plus with the pictures sent, so nothing to be alarmed with.
• I shared a lot of stuffs with her, so does she. I jotted down her interests so that I know what to talk to her (something I learned from Quora... actually I referred a lot on Quora cause... again I do not have a lot of experiences in flirting/courtship. I was trying my best to become a good texter with her).
• She loves to read (so do I). So during this lockdown, I've read a lot of books, and I'd share my review of each of the books that I've read. I would read her books as well so that I'd have points to discuss with her. We would exchange our reviews and I find that very... trop trop bon (so good). She was reading all these relationship book, and there was this book (Boundaries in Dating) where she did mentioned about her previous relationship that didn't turn out well. I was felt so... connected because I rarely got these type of massages from any girl/woman.
• I did a portrait of her, hand written letter and birthday for her birthday which was on the first week of May. Sadly, it just arrived a few days back (4th week of May), due to some travel/logistic restriction (I'm not quite sure actually). She did share her excitement when she got the package.
• I've been sending her recipes (either from my mother, or from me) from time to time for her to test, she did all of them eventhough it was kind of complicated to get all of these asian ingredients.
• On the 21st of May, I sent her a voice mail, saying that I had a feelings for her, and sorry if I made her felt awkward. So below was the exact transcript... I had to written down everything down because I would not be able to say them properly to her:

So yes, here it goes. I'm feeling a little nervous about this

I've been meaning to tell you that, I've develop feelings for you. I thought of asking this when you recevice the gift, but yeah. I just want to know if there's any chance for me to get to know you better, to understand you as person.

If yes, I would love to see where this could lead us to.
What does matter is your's, mine's next choice.

If no, I respect your decision. We can still be friends. I can still learn new things about your culture. Again, if you find this awkward, honestly it was not my intention.

I hope to to hear your honest opinion on this. Have no fear in saying yes or no, I'll respect your decision.

•  We had several calls after that, she was much more open and I felt that this was leading to something.

Situation (during confession):

• It was two days ago (27th of May), we had our call. At first we were talking about recipes, her cooking activities etc. and on the 40th minute, I told her that I wanted to say something to her. That was the first time I confessed to a girl/woman, and... I didnt had any script because... again thank you Quora. It was... a disaster. My tongue was so heavy, my stomach felt so cold, I felt so cold... I told her that I am trying my best because she knows that I never done before. She said that, it's fine, we can do it later. I persisted to tell her, and finally I told her that I have been developing romantic feeling towards her, and I wanted to know her reply.
• She replied that she have feeling for me, but right now she wants to keep it to an amical level. She told me that she was  in a marriage before and it did not turn out well, and if I recall, she was traumatised.
• I was... shocked to know this new info, wasn't expecting that. But, to be honest, I don't really mind if she's a divorcee. I just wanted to share my life with.
• She has been asking me before when she could enter my country, as my country in total lockdown (no foreigners could enter the country).
• During that call, she told me that she will come to my country and we shall rediscuss on this matter again.
• She told me that, she's not ready/looking into a serious relationship as she.
• To be honest, I am not quite sure. I've asked around, even to someone (not even a friend, because I don't really have much female friends to ask all these sort of questions) that is a divorsee to have a better understanding.
• Some said, she wanted to cushion the rejection, some said that she's not ready yet and she might need some time, some said... she has feelings as well (based on her messages) but not right now. Franckly speaking, I'm no expert... so I don't really know. It would have been better if she've said no... now, I felt like I'm in limbo.
• After the confession, I tried to act cool (I felt like jumping out from my window), we talked for another an hour and a half on other stuffs. We had to cut short because she had another appointment with her friends.

Situation (after confession):

• I feel really really down. I felt like there's a blackhole deep inside my heart. My first time being rejected... sigh I felt like a fool (I dont't know if it is a solid rejection... I don't understand girls/women sometimes. I'm sorry for that ladies).
• This morning I sent her a recipe because I promised to her before that. I made another promise to send another of my mother's recipe for her to try... but I fell really really broken. I don't know if I could send her the recipe. But I know that would make her happy.
• I wanted to send her a letter, expressing that it would be hard for me to contact her like usual because she will think that I'd have an ulteriur motive (which I am). I would like to let her know that I still can't take out this feeling out of my system, although I tried to act cool. And I think... I would need sometime to be able to talk to her, or I don't know.
• I just don't know what to do.

Question:

1. Should I send her the letter expressing my feeling, and the need for me to take some time off from contacting her, as well as my apologise for making things awkward between us?
2. What do you think I should do?
3. What she felt? I have hard time understanding her situation... I mean should I just back off, or wait till she's in my country.

 

Thank you very much for your attention and your assistance on this matter.

Excuse me for having you read this long text, but I really need to have all the details listed so that you'd have a better understanding.

Edited May 29, 2020 by Pulasari
Made some changes to the layout

[schlumpy]

Do I think you should send her a heart-felt letter where you pour out your feelings, hopes and dreams for the future? A letter that you just know will change her mind once she understands how pure your love is for her.

Let's say you do. She gets the letter and thinks, "didn't he listen to anything I had to say?"

I suggest you think the of things she told you she wanted. Then decide if those are things you want too. If you do want to stay in orbit around her then agree to her terms. She will control the relationship and when she feels the time is right she will beckon to you to approach the pedestal. What a happy day that will be.

If you don't agree with her terms, then tell her, "it was fun, but that she isn't the one you were looking for." 

Go no contact and start dating again.

I know you think she is special but she isn't.

[smackie9]

You are totally friends zoned. She enjoys the attention but there is no romantic interest. They will throw in the "I'm not ready" or "I just got out of a relationship." "I dated a jerk last time so I'm still getting over that." " I have feels but I'm not sure right now." blah blah blah...she's leaving things open ended to keep you around but don't hold your breath for anything more than what she is offering...a chat friend.

[Pulasari]

27 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You are totally friends zoned. She enjoys the attention but there is no romantic interest. They will throw in the "I'm not ready" or "I just got out of a relationship." "I dated a jerk last time so I'm still getting over that." " I have feels but I'm not sure right now." blah blah blah...she's leaving things open ended to keep you around but don't hold your breath for anything more than what she is offering...a chat friend.

Dear Smakie9,

First of all, thank you for reading my long text above. A bit too long I guess.

Wow, I never thought that I'd be in this situation (saw it in Friends, but yeah). To start with, not really sure how to make of this, as it's still.new to me.

I find it so easy to deal with people in the professional world. Whilst in this world, ok... with girls/women, still hard for me to grasp its nature.

So.

1. I've been friendzoned.
2. What should I do of it? Should I stick around? Should I stop contacting her
3. Should I still send her that last recipe (+short note saying that it was hard for me and I will be offline until things cool off. No "pouring heart and soul" elements to it) to her as promised before?

Thank you for your kind assistance.

[Pulasari]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Do I think you should send her a heart-felt letter where you pour out your feelings, hopes and dreams for the future? A letter that you just know will change her mind once she understands how pure your love is for her.

Let's say you do. She gets the letter and thinks, "didn't he listen to anything I had to say?"

I suggest you think the of things she told you she wanted. Then decide if those are things you want too. If you do want to stay in orbit around her then agree to her terms. She will control the relationship and when she feels the time is right she will beckon to you to approach the pedestal. What a happy day that will be.

If you don't agree with her terms, then tell her, "it was fun, but that she isn't the one you were looking for." 

Go no contact and start dating again.

I know you think she is special but she isn't.

Dear Shlumpy,

Merci mille fois (a thousand thanks) for your reply.

No, I was not planning to send any romantic or passionate letter. I wanted to send her a metter with these points:

1. Thank you for letting me expressing my feeling.
2. I acknowledged that it was not reciprocal.
3. I will take time (a long time to get the thing put of my system... tbh I'm not feeling like dating anyone soon).
4. I will continue with making myself busy with my family's company, with the army, with work and other personal project.
5. I will let her know once the travel restriction has been lifter for non-citizen (she told that she wanted to rediscuss on this once she have her physical presence in front of me).
6. Till I don't have any ulterior motives, I will keep myself distance and give the space she needs.
7. Lastly, why I ghosted on her (I dont know, she did asked me before, so I am not sure if I should explain to her the real reason behind my previous actiob).

I thought that woman would appreciate my traits. I still have to learn more. 

No worries, I will learn how to cope with this. Worst come to worst, I just go an spend a week of training on a navy ship, and that will surely get the "thing" out from my sistem.

So, after what I've listed above, do you think that it would be a smart move. I need sort of like a closure to all this.

Again, no romantic feelings, just stating some points to her. I'll write a professional letter if needed, I'm more convenient to write in that manner.

So, do share your thought. Looking forward for your reply.

Thank you.

[schlumpy]

What type of closure are you looking for?

Is it closure where 3 months from now she comes crawling back on her belly?

Is it closure where you out-manipulate her and she starts orbiting you?  "Not so clever now, are we my little pigeon," you chortle.

Do want to just say no hard feelings. Lets be friends?  "How about a game canasta," you ask?

You seem like a very decent guy, so I have to assume your closure includes a chance that she will change her mind in the future.

You can send the letter as long as you won't dwell on it in the future or obsess over a reply. Your feelings must be indifferent and neutral. Understand that this letter will still (in your mind) give you some type of connection with her especially if she doesn't answer.

Real closure means you understand that a relationship with her will only bring you suffering and pain and although you are reluctant you willingly let it go.

A successful relationship with this woman means that she has to understand that she is only option for you. It can't be the other way around. You will lose.

[smackie9]

As soon as they offer the friendship thing you have to look at it as that there is nothing there for you. I have come across many in your situation. You feel if you don't stick around you will lose opportunity with her...in reality you are losing other opportunities to meet someone else who wants to date you. In other words don't waste your time. You don't have to say a word to her, just move on. A parting message doesn't encourage them to say "hey wait I changed my mind."

Edited May 29, 2020 by smackie9

[Pulasari]

So this is the letter that I'm planning to send. Couldn't sleep actually. I've kept it as objective as possible. I don't feel comfortable not saying something before hand.

Just let me know if I should still proceed with this letter below or just keep my mouth shut, my hands tied.

I've attached a recipe that I promised to send to her. In this case, is a promise, a promise? (I am really clueless on what to do)

* * *

Dear XX

First of all, I am sorry to write you this letter. I will keep this letter as objective as possible.

I would like to thank you again for letting me express my feelings, even though it was really hard because that was the first time I did that (never felt so anxious with my tongue felt so thick, and my stomach felt so cold). Something that I would really need to polish in the future.

I understand that it was not reciprocal, and I understand your situation. I hope everything will turn out well for you. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts on what I’ve expressed.

I would like to inform you that I will need time to get this “feeling” out of my system. I thought that I could just brush off this feeling and be cool with it, but I guess not. I do not want to be a friend with an ulterior motive, I find that would be irresponsible of me.

At first it was just for amical purposes, but it grew to something else. I should have contained it before it came to this level. I hope it was not that awkward (though it was).

I will continue making myself busy with my family's business, with the navy reserve force, with work and other personal projects. I’ve recently enrolled myself to be on board a navy ship for my naval courses, I will be off when the restriction has been lifted, that would keep my mind off for a while. I have to complete my hours before being commissioned, and promoted to a higher rank this September I guess (we have no update on the date yet).

Oh, and I’ve bought myself a ukulele as promised, already started my training, and found a teacher for that. In the meantime, I’ll go through the Russian words/phrases you’ve shared (I have them written doen in a notebook), I will look for some courses online.

I never told you why I ghosted you before 3 years ago. I think you should know. After I took you out last time to the park, that night you texted me asking if I could come and accompany you on the boat. It was 2-3 am at that time. I never received that sort of message before, I had to decline due to my cultural restriction, and my parents would not have approved it. And I thought it would be best for your interest as well if I didn’t come/reply to your message. If I angered you in any way, I am sorry, that was not my intention.

Finally, thank you for the books, the dog stories and your time as well. Hope you’ll continue practicing your asian cooking.

Till then, till our paths cross once again. Bon courage ~

Your’s truly,

XX

[Emilie Jolie]

6 hours ago, Pulasari said:

If no, I respect your decision. We can still be friends

Hi Pulasari

I believe the above statement was inviting ambiguity and mixed messages.

You told her that, whatever happens, you wanted to remain friends with her. As you are now finding out because of the way you feel (broken hearted, basically), you know how difficult it is to follow through. 

The other thing is, after speaking non-stop with someone long-distance for so long, you still didn't really know much about each other's lives (you didn't even know she was divorced!); this is not a promising sign for a romantic relationship.

Neither of you did anything wrong or bad; it is what it is.

Your letter is totally fine by the way.

Edited May 29, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Pulasari]

6 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Hi Pulasari

I believe the above statement was inviting ambiguity and mixed messages.

You told her that, whatever happens, you wanted to remain friends with her. As you are now finding out because of the way you feel (broken hearted, basically), you know how difficult it is to follow through. 

The other thing is, after speaking non-stop with someone long-distance for so long, you still didn't really know much about each other's lives (you didn't even know she was divorced!); this is not a promising sign for a romantic relationship.

Neither of you did anything wrong or bad; it is what it is.

Your letter is totally fine by the way.

Dear Emilie Jolie,

Thanks for your thoughts. I thought that I could just keep my feelings aside, be cool with it, but today I felt like there was a blackhole deep inside my heart. By then I knew that... it will never be the same. Really new to this "emotional" phase.

Thanks again for going through my letter. Felt so good sharing this through this forum. I do wish her all the happiness in the world. In the mean time, I'm don't feel like looking for any relationship right now (not really good at finding one apparently... hehe).

Anyhow, thank you again for the support.

[Cookiesandough]

She’s just not interested. If you want to send the letter/feel like it will help you in some way, why not? Don’t expect it to do much else besides maybe help you process things and gain closure , but that could be enough 

Edited May 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Pulasari]

43 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

She’s just not interested. If you want to send the letter/feel like it will help you in some way, why not? Don’t expect it to do much else besides maybe help you process things and gain closure , but that could be enough 

I thought as well.

Well it was painfully fun for me. I guesd, it was her way to cushion her rejection towards me.

Thanks for your thoughts Cookiedandough.

[preraph]

I think it's hard to be anything more than friends long distance on the internet.  Maybe if you had been able to visit, it might have been different, even on your own end.  You might not have fallen for her if you spent all this time with her in person face to face.  You just never know.  

 

I don't think you need to do any more confessions to her.  You told her and she told you she isn't thinking of a relationship.  You have to accept that, because a woman who even thinks she might be romantically interested anytime soon would never say that.  I think maybe you have become such a friend that that is how she thinks of you, a peril of the long-distance internet chatting!

 

By the way, I know how hard it is to get used to dealing with the opposite sex when you've not had much dealings even in your childhood growing up with them.  You haven't much to go on.  You sound like a really nice and interesting person (don't get excited -- I'm old enough to be your grandmother!) who has things to share and say and has interests and is literate and a good cook and sounds like you are also successful.  You will find someone!  Look there locally if you can instead of starting anything long-distance because those situations hardly ever work out, no matter even if both people desperately want them to.  It's just too many obstacles.  

 

So do whatever you want about staying in touch or not with that woman, but do get out and meet other women.  Take up some activities where you will be around women, hobbies or a cooking class!  Once the pandemic is over, of course.  Can't do much right now, and most relationships won't last long enough without being face to face to get one started on the internet.  

 

It's rare that someone ends up with the right woman right away.  You really do have to keep dating to find one that will work out.  Everyone does!  Good luck.

[Fox Sake]

Cookies is right. That’s exactly what I was going to say too. If you do send anything, do it for your own peace of mind and closure. Get it “off your chest” 
Don’t expect a reply. 
Don’t expect her to read it. 
 

If someone really wants you, they’ll break into your room and watch you sleeping. Okay not actually, cos that would be creepy af , but they’ll make it known. 

So I say you send whatever you want to send. In reality it will probably change very little.
In the long run, it may make you feel stupid when you look back on it. I’ve done something similar many years ago! Always look back on it and cringe. And I know she didn’t read it either, it was literally trashed haha. Do whatever you need to do to continue you’re healing and I promise you , you will get over this in time. 

Edited May 29, 2020 by Fox Sake
Dyslexic phone

[preraph]

4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

If someone really wants you, they’ll break into your room and watch you sleeping. 

Dying laughing.  It's funny because it's true -- but yeah, don't anyone actually do that!  

[rjc149]

7 hours ago, Pulasari said:

Question:

1. Should I send her the letter expressing my feeling, and the need for me to take some time off from contacting her, as well as my apologise for making things awkward between us?
2. What do you think I should do?
3. What she felt? I have hard time understanding her situation... I mean should I just back off, or wait till she's in my country.

1. Absolutely f--k no dude. No way. Do NOT send her letters, emails, texts, anything, confessing your feelings. No. If you ever want a shot with this girl in the future, you need to stop acting like an emotional little schoolgirl. Be a man. You put yourself out there, she declined. Graciously accept defeat and bow out. Move on. If you already sent a letter, you screwed up. Being bluntly honest. It's okay though. I've done it too. We learn from our mistakes. Just understand that sending emotional letters about your feelings is weak, unattractive, beta male behavior. Attractive alpha males don't puke up their feelings when rejected. They shrug their shoulders and go get another girl. 

2. Go no contact, and meet new women. If this girl sees that you were able to move on, and better yet, sees you with new women, her attraction for you will increase. Why? Because this demonstrates that you are a high-value, attractive man who has other options with women. Women are attracted to this type of man. 

3. "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" means "I don't have any romantic/sexual interest in you." Plain and simple. If she were interested in you, she would date you. 

 

3 hours ago, Pulasari said:

 

1. I've been friendzoned.
2. What should I do of it? Should I stick around? Should I stop contacting her
3. Should I still send her that last recipe (+short note saying that it was hard for me and I will be offline until things cool off. No "pouring heart and soul" elements to it) to her as promised before?

 

1. Yeah. Big time. 

2. Nope, stop contacting her. Move on. Meet and bang new women. 

3. No way. You don't owe her anything. You're not contacting her anymore for any reason. She can learn her own recipes. She's a woman, that's pretty much her purpose on earth 🤪 

Do not offer friendship if you are not sincerely seeking a friendship from her. If you want her romantically, and she won't give you those terms, walk away. Do not hang around and orbit her, hoping that you'll have an opportunity to move in for the kill. That's inauthentic and dishonest. Be honest. You have feelings for her, and if she won't reciprocate, you respect that, but you are moving on to a girl who will. 

And actually do it. If you do this, there's a 90% likelihood this girl will reach out to you again. Disappear from her life, and let her wonder about you, let her miss you. 

For future reference: you send letters about your feelings to your girlfriend or wife, every now and then, because you love her and you want to do something sweet and make her feel special. When a girl rejects you, the last thing you do is do something sweet to make her feel special. 

 

Edited May 30, 2020 by rjc149

[simpycurious]

Cut and run............don't look back..................no whining just ride 

[Pulasari]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

I think it's hard to be anything more than friends long distance on the internet.  Maybe if you had been able to visit, it might have been different, even on your own end.  You might not have fallen for her if you spent all this time with her in person face to face.  You just never know.  

 

I don't think you need to do any more confessions to her.  You told her and she told you she isn't thinking of a relationship.  You have to accept that, because a woman who even thinks she might be romantically interested anytime soon would never say that.  I think maybe you have become such a friend that that is how she thinks of you, a peril of the long-distance internet chatting!

 

By the way, I know how hard it is to get used to dealing with the opposite sex when you've not had much dealings even in your childhood growing up with them.  You haven't much to go on.  You sound like a really nice and interesting person (don't get excited -- I'm old enough to be your grandmother!) who has things to share and say and has interests and is literate and a good cook and sounds like you are also successful.  You will find someone!  Look there locally if you can instead of starting anything long-distance because those situations hardly ever work out, no matter even if both people desperately want them to.  It's just too many obstacles.  

 

So do whatever you want about staying in touch or not with that woman, but do get out and meet other women.  Take up some activities where you will be around women, hobbies or a cooking class!  Once the pandemic is over, of course.  Can't do much right now, and most relationships won't last long enough without being face to face to get one started on the internet.  

 

It's rare that someone ends up with the right woman right away.  You really do have to keep dating to find one that will work out.  Everyone does!  Good luck.

Dear Preraph,

Or should I call you Aunty Preraph (just kidding. Here anyone older, we'll call them aunty or uncle, just a filial piety thing in our culture.

I believe that you are right, long distance during this pandemic phase is very complicated. Maybe I was expecting too much because I wanted to settle down. I'm not much of a "player". My parents were thinking of arranging my marriage since I was not in any serious relationship (except for 1, even that was her making all the moves) (My parents were arranged. Knew each other a week before their wedding day).

Maybe I worked too much and never actually spent time looking for girls (I will laugh at myself seeing how I dealt with girls/women in a romantic way). Something that I should learn... from... I'll figure that out. Not so much from my parents because they don't even have any dating experiences to share with me to begin with.

I dont know why, but I was hoping to find someone from another culture to be my partner. I speak 4 languages and currently learning her language (Russian). Maybe I'm wrong, but I hope by finding someone who doesnt share the same culture as me would keep me excited in learning new things in life ie. culture, worldview etc. (That's what I think).

I had an objective to settle down by this year. Maybe I need to revise my plan again. I hope to find someone that would keep me excited in life, and someone that I could comb her hair... hehe (just one thing that I have in my bucket list. I'm a simple guy).

Again, thank you very mucj for putting a smile on my face. Really needed that.

[preraph]

Well, I think you could find someone from a different culture who lived where you live maybe.  I mean, few and far between, but there have to be some there working or schooling or something.  You are too adventurous a lad to let your parents marry you off.  You like excitement and discovery and getting into a marriage with a stranger doesn't sound like it fits your personality.  Bless their hearts, your parents aren't role models for you to have learned from about dating either, but you sound like enough of a maverick explorer to me that you can and should at least date for awhile just to see what all types of women are out there.  Or perhaps a neighboring country that's got easy access where you could go back and forth.  Thailand?  India?  Not real close, but not on the other side of the world at least.  It would just be better to find someone there locally.  Did you not meet some diverse people in university?  

[Pulasari]

23 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Cookies is right. That’s exactly what I was going to say too. If you do send anything, do it for your own peace of mind and closure. Get it “off your chest” 
Don’t expect a reply. 
Don’t expect her to read it. 
 

If someone really wants you, they’ll break into your room and watch you sleeping. Okay not actually, cos that would be creepy af , but they’ll make it known. 

So I say you send whatever you want to send. In reality it will probably change very little.
In the long run, it may make you feel stupid when you look back on it. I’ve done something similar many years ago! Always look back on it and cringe. And I know she didn’t read it either, it was literally trashed haha. Do whatever you need to do to continue you’re healing and I promise you , you will get over this in time. 

Dear Foc Sake,

Thanks for your reply. I dont really expect anything from her. I thougt it might be courteous of me to send that letter.

I think she'll read it cause it's attached in the recipe that I've promised to send her. Its in a PDF format.

Just want to get this out from my mind, and I would be able to do it via that letter. I don't mind she's going to read it or not, at least I did my part in being courteous with her (that's what I think).

I think I will laugh back in the future. But right now, I'd feel real bad just leaving things as it is.

[Fox Sake]

1 minute ago, Pulasari said:

Dear Foc Sake,

Thanks for your reply. I dont really expect anything from her. I thougt it might be courteous of me to send that letter.

I think she'll read it cause it's attached in the recipe that I've promised to send her. Its in a PDF format.

Just want to get this out from my mind, and I would be able to do it via that letter. I don't mind she's going to read it or not, at least I did my part in being courteous with her (that's what I think).

I think I will laugh back in the future. But right now, I'd feel real bad just leaving things as it is.

Have you thought about making her a PowerPoint presentation? 

I know, my jokes are bloody awful.

Send it. And then let go   
 

 

[Pulasari]

30 minutes ago, preraph said:

Dying laughing.  It's funny because it's true -- but yeah, don't anyone actually do that!  

Haha, I never thought of that. A good tips... just kidding

[Pulasari]

26 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

1. Absolutely f--k no dude. No way. Do NOT send her letters, emails, texts, anything, confessing your feelings. No. If you ever want a shot with this girl in the future, you need to stop acting like an emotional little schoolgirl. Be a man. You put yourself out there, she declined. Graciously accept defeat and bow out. Move on. If you already sent a letter, you screwed up. Being bluntly honest. It's okay though. I've done it too. We learn from our mistakes. Just understand that sending emotional letters about your feelings is weak, unattractive, beta male behavior. Attractive alpha males don't puke up their feelings when rejected. They shrug their shoulders and go get another girl. 

2. Go no contact, and meet new women. If this girl sees that you were able to move on, and better yet, sees you with new women, her attraction for you will increase. Why? Because this demonstrates that you are a high-value, attractive man who has other options with women. Women are attracted to this type of man. 

3. "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" means "I don't have any romantic/sexual interest in you." Plain and simple. If she were interested in you, she would date you. 

Dear Rjc 149,

Thank you for your reply.

1. No letter? Even the one that I prepared? I try to be as objective as possible with no emotional "elements" to it. Yeah, I do agree with you on that, still immature in this "courting" thing. But, I find it as a polite manner of telling her that I will not chase her any longer and wishing her all the best in life. I haven't sent anything. Just reading through other people's opinion on this matter. Not sure who to ask actually. So, anything in that letter that you find a bit, emotional?
2. Ok, I'm planning to to contact her, too awkward. Meeting new girls, we'll see about that... maybe not for now.
3. I agree on that. A bit hard for me to digest, but that's the reality.

[Pulasari]

35 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

1. Yeah. Big time. 

2. Nope, stop contacting her. Move on. Meet and bang new women. 

3. No way. You don't owe her anything. You're not contacting her anymore for any reason. She can learn her own recipes. She's a woman, that's pretty much her purpose on earth 🤪 

Do not offer friendship if you are not sincerely seeking a friendship from her. If you want her romantically, and she won't give you those terms, walk away. Do not hang around and orbit her, hoping that you'll have an opportunity to move in for the kill. That's inauthentic and dishonest. Be honest. You have feelings for her, and if she won't reciprocate, you respect that, but you are moving on to a girl who will. 

And actually do it. If you do this, there's a 90% likelihood this girl will reach out to you again. Disappear from her life, and let her wonder about you, let her miss you. 

For future reference: you send letters about your feelings to your girlfriend or wife, every now and then, because you love her and you want to do something sweet and make her feel special. When a girl rejects you, the last thing you do is do something sweet to make her feel special. 

Dear Rjc 149,

1. Ouch!
2. I'll take sometime I guess. Banging someone? Haha, never made that far yet, plus I won't be comfortable doing that.
3. Oh, so no letter then. Both sides (not to send / send) have valid reasons, this is a tough call for me. 

40 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

When a girl rejects you, the last thing you do is do something sweet to make her feel special. 

I kinda agree on this. 

[rjc149]

5 minutes ago, Pulasari said:

Dear Rjc 149,

Thank you for your reply.

1. No letter? Even the one that I prepared? I try to be as objective as possible with no emotional "elements" to it. Yeah, I do agree with you on that, still immature in this "courting" thing. But, I find it as a polite manner of telling her that I will not chase her any longer and wishing her all the best in life. I haven't sent anything. Just reading through other people's opinion on this matter. Not sure who to ask actually. So, anything in that letter that you find a bit, emotional?
2. Ok, I'm planning to to contact her, too awkward. Meeting new girls, we'll see about that... maybe not for now.
3. I agree on that. A bit hard for me to digest, but that's the reality.

You're welcome. 

No, no letter. It will do more harm than good. There's no reason to tell her you will no longer chase her. Just -- don't chase her. That's it. Disappear. Your actions will speak 100x louder than any words you write in a letter. 

Emotional letters, if you absolutely must write them, are for girlfriends and wives only. Women who have earned, and deserve, your love and affection. This girl has done nothing to earn that. Her reward for rejecting you is not a letter that pads her ego, documents your unrequited interest in her, and assures her that you'll be waiting for her (needing to tell a girl that you won't be waiting means... you'll be waiting ).

If you shoot your shot, take your chance, and she says no, then say "ah okay, no worries. All the best." And disappear.