Should I send her a letter explaining my feeling after being rejected (ish). First time being rejected (ish)

[d0nnivain]

Her response shows she's polite not interested. 

I know you are hurting.  I know you want hope.  But the best thing you can do for yourself is let it go.  You need a clean, permanent break so you are emotionally free to actually connect with one of these nice women you hope your friends will set you up with. 

Heal.  Then move on

[Pulasari]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Her response shows she's polite not interested. 

I know you are hurting.  I know you want hope.  But the best thing you can do for yourself is let it go.  You need a clean, permanent break so you are emotionally free to actually connect with one of these nice women you hope your friends will set you up with. 

Heal.  Then move on

"You need a clean, permanent break so you are emotionally free to actually connect with one of these nice women you hope your friends will set you up with"

I really need this part. I find her response during our call was not a "definitive no"... which left me thinking that she might have feelings, but just not ready emotionally and mentally for another new relationship.

This may sound stupid, but should I ask her for an ultimatum? Or just let it go... and move on.

(I know that you'd say no to my question 😅)

[ExpatInItaly]

What sort of ultimatum could you possibly present to her?

She’s already opted out of anything more with you. There is no ultimatum to give her.

[Pulasari]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What sort of ultimatum could you possibly present to her?

She’s already opted out of anything more with you. There is no ultimatum to give her.

I know... nothing much to offer. Just a stupid question... 😅 

[stillafool]

Don't tell her anything because she doesn't care.  Just move on and date others.

[rjc149]

8 hours ago, Pulasari said:

in the end, I decided to send her an e-letter

*facepalm*

You just couldn't help yourself huh dude? Hehe don't worry, it's okay. But as long as you understand why you got the exact response you've been told you would get:

1 hour ago, Pulasari said:

"Wow... thank you soooooo much".  And... that was it, nothing from her since.

She kicked you to the curb, and instead of walking away with your self-respect, your response was to keep kissing her ass. Do you realize why that's so unattractive? 

This girl told you she is not interested in you romantically. When you continue to try and communicate with her, try to pursue and "be there" for her, this demonstrates that you are a needy, clingy, low-value, unattractive man with no self-respect. It shows that you are placing higher value on her than on yourself. It shows you don't have confidence. It's a sexual turn off.

You are continuing to lower her sexual interest with the letters and recipes and the promises that you'll "be there" for her. And it's possible she's now at the point where she could starting getting annoyed with your continued pursuit. 

Do not inform her that you'll be seeing other women. She DOESN'T CARE. She may even be relieved to hear that you'll stop bothering her now. 

Stop contacting her, stop "needing closure" from her, stop bothering her. You sent your letter against all advice, you got the response you were told you'd get, now it's time to stop with this girl. She's gone. The more you reach out, the more gone she'll be. 

8 hours ago, Pulasari said:

Something that still bugs me is that during our, she told me that she wanted to rediscuss/review back my proposition when she's in my country (after the lockdown).

If that is actually the case (women say all kinds of hopeful things when rejecting a guy, to lessen the sting), then let her reach out to you. Do not contact her otherwise. 

[preraph]

The first thing you need to know is that women can't be convinced to fall for you. Women have their own brains and know what they want and they all want different things and no matter how perfect you try to make yourself or how nicely you behave if a woman is not interested or attracted to you, there is not one single thing you can do about it. And that is why everyone tells you to move on once you have been rejected.

You cannot force a woman to care about you. She either does or she doesn't. It doesn't even necessarily reflect on you. She may simply not want a relationship or she may have her eye on someone or she may not feel she connects with you in any particular way. She may be waiting for someone who reminds her of her Uncle Joe or makes her laugh or has blond hair. Why she wants a certain man maybe completely random. 

 

What you don't want to do is waste time on something that didn't work out or give anyone a second chance to reject you. You only have so many hours in a life, and it is a waste of time to pursue losing interests. 

 

Have people fix you up if they know someone for you to go out with. you need to be dating local because there are too many obstacles to be dating long distance. I'm sure literally less than 1% of long-distance relationships ever work out. if you do not like the women or social scene where you live then by all means move somewhere else and then date local there. 

 

Good luck. 

[d0nnivain]

52 minutes ago, Pulasari said:

This may sound stupid, but should I ask her for an ultimatum? Or just let it go... and move on.

What ultimatum?  Take me back or I'll stalk you?  Both options get her exactly what she doesn't want:  more of you.  

It seems unreal to you, but the best thing you can do is accept that it's over & move on.  You need to be free from her.  Instead you continue clutching at straws making yourself crazy & unhappy.  You hold the keys to your future.  Use them to free yourself.  

[Pulasari]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Don't tell her anything because she doesn't care.  Just move on and date others.

Dear Stillafool,

Thank you for your reply. I was wondering if being a friend with someone that is not ready for a relationship would be a good idea? Or, I should just completely become a stranger, and forget that we were ever in contact before?

[d0nnivain]

9 minutes ago, Pulasari said:

 I was wondering if being a friend with someone that is not ready for a relationship would be a good idea? Or, I should just completely become a stranger, and forget that we were ever in contact before?

When you want more you can't hang around & be their friend.  All you do is hurt yourself.  What are you going to talk about, their hot new relationship?  Do you really want a front row seat to that?   Going NC preserves your dignity.  It gives you space to grieve & then pull yourself back together.  

[Pulasari]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

*facepalm*

You just couldn't help yourself huh dude? Hehe don't worry, it's okay. But as long as you understand why you got the exact response you've been told you would get:

I "facepalmed' my face as well... trust me

Ok, yeah. I got it (the hard way). Just learnt my lesson. Sigh (Kinda funny thinking about it... ahhh)

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

She kicked you to the curb, and instead of walking away with your self-respect, your response was to keep kissing her ass. Do you realize why that's so unattractive? 

This girl told you she is not interested in you romantically. When you continue to try and communicate with her, try to pursue and "be there" for her, this demonstrates that you are a needy, clingy, low-value, unattractive man with no self-respect. It shows that you are placing higher value on her than on yourself. It shows you don't have confidence. It's a sexual turn off.

You are continuing to lower her sexual interest with the letters and recipes and the promises that you'll "be there" for her. And it's possible she's now at the point where she could starting getting annoyed with your continued pursuit. 

Do not inform her that you'll be seeing other women. She DOESN'T CARE. She may even be relieved to hear that you'll stop bothering her now. 

Stop contacting her, stop "needing closure" from her, stop bothering her. You sent your letter against all advice, you got the response you were told you'd get, now it's time to stop with this girl. She's gone. The more you reach out, the more gone she'll be. 

Ok, she's gone. Yeah, that was stupid of me. I think that I got everything checked, then I start thinking using my emotion cap, than using my rational cap.

So, now... I can even say that, even a friendship is hors de question (out of the question).

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

If that is actually the case (women say all kinds of hopeful things when rejecting a guy, to lessen the sting), then let her reach out to you. Do not contact her otherwise. 

*Facepalm*

Thank you again for this. I really needed to someone to knock some sense into me.

Second *Facepalm*

[rjc149]

17 minutes ago, Pulasari said:

I was wondering if being a friend with someone that is not ready for a relationship would be a good idea? 

Why do you think it would be a good idea? So you can be an inauthentic friend who secretly wants more, waiting for the moment when she's ready for a relationship? 

It's not that she isn't ready for a relationship, OP. She is ready for a relationship, but she's not interested in a relationship with you. 

You'll be her friend, waiting patiently until she's "ready," and when she is, it will be with someone else. Will you still be her friend then? Will you be happy that she's happy in her new relationship? Will you be okay hanging out with them, then watching them go home to have sex? 

If the answer is no, then no, it is a terrible idea for you to remain friends with her. Being her little kiss-ass friendzone orbiter will also lower her respect, and thus her attraction for you, further and further until you haven't got a snowcone's chance in Hell with her. That is, if sending that needy letter didn't already irreparably damage your chances (come on dude). 

This is hard for you. You're hurting, you want to be a part of this girl's life. You don't want to say goodbye. You don't want it to be the end. 

But the strong thing to do is to accept that it's over, she's gone, and that you will meet new women and have relationships with them. Yes, disappear from her life forever. If there is any sort of chance in the future, it will need to be her idea, and she will need to contact you. It may be months. It may be years, it may be never. Assume it's never. Are you going to hold out for her, for months and years, hoping? Is she really that incredible? 

You have to be strong now. No contact. Say goodbye to her in your heart (do NOT send her a goodbye letter, never contact her again), let go, and move on. 

Edited June 2, 2020 by rjc149

[Pulasari]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

When you want more you can't hang around & be their friend.  All you do is hurt yourself.  What are you going to talk about, their hot new relationship?  Do you really want a front row seat to that?   Going NC preserves your dignity.  It gives you space to grieve & then pull yourself back together.  

Yes, I got it.

I know that everyone was advising me *not to contact* her, but I was too stupid to be as rational as possible.

Really learnt my lesson.

Thank you again dOnnivain

[Pulasari]

Dear Preraph,

2 hours ago, preraph said:

The first thing you need to know is that women can't be convinced to fall for you. Women have their own brains and know what they want and they all want different things and no matter how perfect you try to make yourself or how nicely you behave if a woman is not interested or attracted to you, there is not one single thing you can do about it. And that is why everyone tells you to move on once you have been rejected.

You cannot force a woman to care about you. She either does or she doesn't. It doesn't even necessarily reflect on you. She may simply not want a relationship or she may have her eye on someone or she may not feel she connects with you in any particular way. She may be waiting for someone who reminds her of her Uncle Joe or makes her laugh or has blond hair. Why she wants a certain man maybe completely random. 

What you don't want to do is waste time on something that didn't work out or give anyone a second chance to reject you. You only have so many hours in a life, and it is a waste of time to pursue losing interests. 

I really appreciate you time to share your thoughts and experiences with me. Maybe I was a a little naive in this. If between guys, I'd just walk away, but... dealing with difference sexes, I do not know why I wouldn't go for the same approach... of just walking away and don't give a rat's tail about the person.

2 hours ago, preraph said:

Have people fix you up if they know someone for you to go out with. you need to be dating local because there are too many obstacles to be dating long distance. I'm sure literally less than 1% of long-distance relationships ever work out. if you do not like the women or social scene where you live then by all means move somewhere else and then date local there. 

Good luck. 

Understand. I will wait till then. Thank you again for you advice. This time, I won't do the same mistake again. Was making a foolish out of my self with this personne. Even my colleagues told me that I'm too "crazy". Should have not contacted her last time.

Thank you again for your wish.

[preraph]

Hey, just trying to keep you from sticking around and becoming even more invested in "winning."  Always cut your losses so you don't waste more time on people who are lukewarm and less.  

[Pulasari]

So...

I've just deleted her whatsapp. I've deleted her contact from my phone. I've unfriend her on Facebook as well as on Linkedin.

Better this way. I really need to cut all ties because I will keep on dwelling on this.

[Pulasari]

23 minutes ago, preraph said:

Hey, just trying to keep you from sticking around and becoming even more invested in "winning."  Always cut your losses so you don't waste more time on people who are lukewarm and less.  

Done,

Deleted all her messages. Unfriend her on Facebook (I'm deactivating my Facebook, I'm not really on Facebook at the first place), Linkedin, phone contact.

So, I'm literally cutting all ways for me to contact her.

Should not waste my time any longer.

[Pulasari]

53 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Why do you think it would be a good idea? So you can be an inauthentic friend who secretly wants more, waiting for the moment when she's ready for a relationship? 

It's not that she isn't ready for a relationship, OP. She is ready for a relationship, but she's not interested in a relationship with you. 

You'll be her friend, waiting patiently until she's "ready," and when she is, it will be with someone else. Will you still be her friend then? Will you be happy that she's happy in her new relationship? Will you be okay hanging out with them, then watching them go home to have sex? 

If the answer is no, then no, it is a terrible idea for you to remain friends with her. Being her little kiss-ass friendzone orbiter will also lower her respect, and thus her attraction for you, further and further until you haven't got a snowcone's chance in Hell with her. That is, if sending that needy letter didn't already irreparably damage your chances (come on dude). 

This is hard for you. You're hurting, you want to be a part of this girl's life. You don't want to say goodbye. You don't want it to be the end. 

But the strong thing to do is to accept that it's over, she's gone, and that you will meet new women and have relationships with them. Yes, disappear from her life forever. If there is any sort of chance in the future, it will need to be her idea, and she will need to contact you. It may be months. It may be years, it may be never. Assume it's never. Are you going to hold out for her, for months and years, hoping? Is she really that incredible? 

You have to be strong now. No contact. Say goodbye to her in your heart (do NOT send her a goodbye letter, never contact her again), let go, and move on. 

Done.

Deleted everything, like literally.

Needed to do this, if not, I will keep on thiking about her.

Thank you rjc149.

Felt... better.

[rjc149]

31 minutes ago, Pulasari said:

Done.

Deleted everything, like literally.

Needed to do this, if not, I will keep on thiking about her.

Thank you rjc149.

Felt... better.

Sometimes it takes a total purge of every reminder of her. This is a step in the right direction. Some Chinese wise guy once said "a journey of a thousands miles begins with one step." A thousand miles down the road, you'll chuckle at this. 

Like I said, sometimes you need to do a total detox to get a girl out of your system. I've done it with quite a few girls. Just understand that this will show the girl that you're butthurt and it will make her much less likely to reach out again. Not that it matters, because you should stop caring about her anyways.  But the 2.0 way to handle it is to act like it's really no big deal. 

If she reaches out inquiring about the social media blackout, just be honest: "I told you that I am interested in you romantically, and if you don't feel the same way, I respect that, but I don't think there's any reason to stay in contact and I'd rather not keep your contact info. I wish you the best." She will respect your honesty and willingness to walk away, as long as you actually walk away. 

[preraph]

1 hour ago, Pulasari said:

Done,

Deleted all her messages. Unfriend her on Facebook (I'm deactivating my Facebook, I'm not really on Facebook at the first place), Linkedin, phone contact.

So, I'm literally cutting all ways for me to contact her.

Should not waste my time any longer.

Good for you!  Listen, you have too much going for you and are too nice to chase someone who doesn't appreciate that.  Meet face to face as many women as possible and one day it will just click!

[Pulasari]

4 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Sometimes it takes a total purge of every reminder of her. This is a step in the right direction. Some Chinese wise guy once said "a journey of a thousands miles begins with one step." A thousand miles down the road, you'll chuckle at this. 

Like I said, sometimes you need to do a total detox to get a girl out of your system. I've done it with quite a few girls. Just understand that this will show the girl that you're butthurt and it will make her much less likely to reach out again. Not that it matters, because you should stop caring about her anyways.  But the 2.0 way to handle it is to act like it's really no big deal. 

If she reaches out inquiring about the social media blackout, just be honest: "I told you that I am interested in you romantically, and if you don't feel the same way, I respect that, but I don't think there's any reason to stay in contact and I'd rather not keep your contact info. I wish you the best." She will respect your honesty and willingness to walk away, as long as you actually walk away. 

Deep down, I do feel sad (at least here I could express my feelings).

In public, we've been tought not to show emotions outside, and we're not expected to (something about *all-male / male-dominated environment* upbringing that I'm not proud off, and would not have my offsprings growing up in... Today, I find girls/women very puzzling).

I'll go with your advice. She tried to reach out to me via whatsapp, and I saw that she deleted her message later. So... I deleted back her whatsapp.

Yes, no need to be sad on this thing anymore, and walk away.

[Pulasari]

4 hours ago, preraph said:

Good for you!  Listen, you have too much going for you and are too nice to chase someone who doesn't appreciate that.  Meet face to face as many women as possible and one day it will just click!

I know.

Personally, it hurts me a lot because of my inability to share my daily stories, my daily activities, my current personal projets etc with someone... that I'd find special. Its very different when sharing it with friends (mostly guys for me).

All these are still learning curves for me.

I hope that these blind dates from one of my female friend (she kindly proposed the idea after I shared my story... still find it very étrange ... plus my parents are no better than me with their dating experiences 😅).

Looking forward to these "organised" dates. Once more, thank you Preraph.

[Pulasari]

@preraph

@rjc149

@d0nnivain

@stillafool

@ExpatInItaly

@Emilie Jolie

@schlumpy

@Acacia98

 

I think I have everyone here for the second part *facepalm*

I got the message this time. I've deleted her contacts and will only react to her if she's the one who is making the move.

In the mean time, I will move on and preoccupy myself with (which I'm already busy with) other stuffs.

So, this is my thank you note. Once again, I wish you all, the best in life.

Till we meet again for another round of problem solving from me :) (I really hope the next one wouldn't be with the same person again).

Good day and... à la prochaine.

[rjc149]

Happy trails buddy. Go crush it. 

[manfrombelow]

I was about to hit the "Submit Reply" reply button when I realized it's not needed anymore. 🙂

OP, best of luck on your endeavor. I am glad you didn't send that angry letter, which will only make you hate your past-self many years from now.