xoxobby_25 Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) Over a year ago I (19F) met this guy on tinder. I really liked him and I thought he really liked me too based on what he would say to me. We went on 2 dates and a couple of weeks later he ghosted me. I decided to reach out and suggest to be friends, and he agreed and said he "wasn't ready for a relationship". I decided to ghost him because I knew being "friends" wasn't going to work out, However, a week later he kept trying reaching out and I gave in. We talked on and off on snapchat for 3 months, we talked so much we had the heart emoji next to our names. However, I ended up ghosting him because I felt like I was receiving false hope as he still didn't want to see me in person. Around this time he got mad at me for posting indirect breakup quotes on facebook as he knew they were about him and asked me. He also asked "why do you care about me so much?" and when I answered he just responded with "no worries" and I never looked back (and when I say never I mean about 3 weeks). On August 2019 we bumped into each other at a club. I kissed him and he told me constantly that he "wanted to see me again". I also confessed to him about my virginity and he asked me if I was "waiting for a relationship?" and insinuated wanting to "christen" each others cars. The last snapchat he sent me was "when are we going to see each other again?" However, he ghosted me the next day. I found out the day after he ghosted me he super-liked my best friend on Tinder and tried to ask her out. My friend responded to him telling him he wasn't nice to me and he said "she's twisting sh*t but believe what you want". On December 2019 he got a girlfriend. I kept comparing myself to her and felt like my ego was damaged (I am less popular than her and have never had a boyfriend, he was my first kiss). Although it had already been around 10 months since he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and almost 5 months since the ghosting situation I felt embarrassed. I got really obsessed with him. He just turned 20 last week. He is popular, a tradesman which are well respected in Australia, was GORGEOUS, and seemed to have his life together. I became really jealous on how well he was treating his girlfriend and how much everyone around them loved their relationship based on social media, this could have been my future if he wanted me. Every-time I had tried to reach out on a specific social media platform he would block me and has blocked me on all social media platforms like I was nothing. The only time he replied was when I congratulated him on his relationship and I had also requested his girlfriend on social media platforms and some girl who I had 50+ mutual friends with on fb and was apparently friends with her. He told me "thanks for saying that, but in the nicest way possible please stop requesting her and please stop requesting her friends as well". I would use other accounts to creep up on him as he had blocked me. I would do really creepy things like I sent him an anonymous text on how hurt I felt and would also call him on a private number now and then and hang up when he picked up because I felt too anxious (one time I forgot and he called me back 7 times and I didn't answer). On March I saw he changed his fb profile pic of him looking at her smiling like he had never smiled at me or at all since he told me he was insecure about his teeth. He also made this relationship fb official. I got angry about everything and decided to call him on the private number again and told him how much he had hurt me. He didn't know who it was at first so when I told him he said " oh, the girl I met off tinder". I realised that this all meant nothing to him from the beginning. He tried to "apologise" over and over again but I wouldn't accept it, it was obvious he was just apologising because I called and not because he really meant it. Last night I got another ego blow when I wanted to apologise to him so I added his snapchat and he blocked me straight away on that. The truth is, not many guys are like him or treat girls like he does. The thought of another guy does not excite me and I know i'll just be settling with someone I don't even like or aren't as good for the sake of it. He's the only guy I know that is super against cheating and the importance of treating a girl like a princess. I know if he liked me we would have the most perfect relationship everyone would envy. I used to stalk his girlfriend's instagram and she would post these perfect beach dates with him. I feel that if it's not him I will forever be miserable and I can't be happy because he is the only key to happiness. Edited May 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) I have obsessions too and your obsessions are probably why you have not had a successful relationship. You are very lucky he has blocked you and that would be closure for me as oppose to what my obsession is doing. The guy I'm obsessed with is offering support and pain at the same time. He's not the only man who treats women kind and he isnt treating you kind. The thing is all men have the tenancy to treat their girlfriends well but most men respect all women. I'm in the trades. I can relate to the girlfriend situation because I do that too. That comes from the fact I felt this quick tease from him on what it was like to be liked by this guy and respected by him. That tease made me envy his girlfriend who is legit successful and beautiful and fit. I know what I am right now and if truth be told, I wouldn't date me. I am starting all over and I am only trying to find a way to build a future for myself and my family and as a result I'm not dating. I start therapy Tomorrow at 8 and did my best to end it with this obsession of mine that lasted almost 8 years now. Obsessions are rough. Sometimes at work, I feel so sick and dizzy and I can't focus .. I tell him to leave so I can start moving on like a normal person but end up sending him.messages all day. Keep in mind, I've become desperate and lonely.. that could be why! Edited May 30, 2020 by Realitysux 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 30, 2020 Author Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) @Realitysux it makes me feel better that someone else is also dealing with this and it's not just me. I barely lurk on his social media anymore but I still get thoughts about him which triggered me to do what I did last night. It sucked to feel as if my feelings were invalidated by someone who I very much admired. I never showed obsessive behaviours until he admitted to not wanting to be with me. I forgot to mention he would often post images of him holding children, so I had thoughts on having a baby with him which is bizarre. I am working on my self esteem and hopefully the day will come when I meet someone else who does not make me miss the thought of him. Good luck for therapy! Edited May 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25 Link to post Share on other sites
ccas93 Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 not trying to insinuate anything here. do you have an active and full life? do you work? go to school? involved with a lot of activities? have enough friends? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 30, 2020 Author Share Posted May 30, 2020 3 minutes ago, ccas93 said: not trying to insinuate anything here. do you have an active and full life? do you work? go to school? involved with a lot of activities? have enough friends? Yea that's the crazy thing. I go to university full-time, I have a job and have had it for 3 years and I have quite a few friends. I'm not super introverted or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
ccas93 Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) well, do you not value any of those amazing things you DO have in your life? why do you think you're going to be miserable just because you don't have this guy (even if he is amazing)? How are you focusing on that entire schedule, with the guy taking up so much of your mind/energy? Edited May 30, 2020 by ccas93 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 30, 2020 Author Share Posted May 30, 2020 10 minutes ago, ccas93 said: well, do you not value any of those amazing things you DO have in your life? why do you think you're going to be miserable just because you don't have this guy (even if he is amazing)? How are you focusing on that entire schedule, with the guy taking up so much of your mind/energy? Because he was the only thing that was making me feel truly that life was worth living. I haven't found anyone like him since (e.g. he's the only guy to post pictures of him with children". Link to post Share on other sites
ccas93 Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said: Because he was the only thing that was making me feel truly that life was worth living. I haven't found anyone like him since (e.g. he's the only guy to post pictures of him with children". yes but what I'm saying here is why is your university, work, friends, family, etc not good enough for you to find life worth living? This is where I suggest you should probably get off loveshack and seek actual therapy (or something) right now. I'm not saying this to be mean, but that's not good. And if you want to stop being obsessed with guys and have healthy relationships, you need to love your life and yourself. You need to value university, your job, your family, your future and your own self, to where you don't NEED this guy. He thinks you way overvalue him, and you do. Edited May 30, 2020 by ccas93 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) You think he's the only guy like him in the world, but he's not. I bet some day you'll look back and wonder what you were thinking. I agree with cas93 that you might need therapy to deal with your obsessive thoughts and dismantle the pedestal you've put him on. I also think the more you learn to love yourself the less you will appreciate anyone who doesn't love you also. You deserve love and happiness. Good luck xxxxx Edited May 30, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said: Because he was the only thing that was making me feel truly that life was worth living. I haven't found anyone like him since (e.g. he's the only guy to post pictures of him with children". Jimmy Saville used to post pictures with children too and he didn’t turn out to be the best guy 😔 sounds to me like you haven’t met anyone like him because you haven’t made yourself open to meeting anyone new Edited May 30, 2020 by Fox Sake 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 You must stop trying to contact him, girl. It's bordering on harassment and you could get yourself into trouble here. The level of fixation you have on him isn't healthy, which you seem to recognize. I too would encourage you to seek some qualified and compassionate professional guidance in dealing with your emotions, as you're at risk of creating problems for yourself that won't go away so easily. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 Sounds like you only saw him 3 times in the flesh, one of which randomly in a bar, with lots of social media interaction inbetween. Is this worth the aggravation? He's asked you to back off, so that's really your only option now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 30, 2020 Author Share Posted May 30, 2020 45 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: Jimmy Saville used to post pictures with children too and he didn’t turn out to be the best guy 😔 sounds to me like you haven’t met anyone like him because you haven’t made yourself open to meeting anyone new The way I worded that sounded creepy i'm sorry he posted a picture of him holding his baby cousin and smiling. Most guys my age only post pictures of them "acting tough with their mates and stuff". I find it really hard to meet new people. No excuse for my behaviour but I am quite socially awkward and very picky. Plus with covid I can only rely on online means. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 30, 2020 Author Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) 43 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: Sounds like you only saw him 3 times in the flesh, one of which randomly in a bar, with lots of social media interaction in-between. Is this worth the aggravation? He's asked you to back off, so that's really your only option now. You are correct. That's why it hurt so much to see him being in a serious relationship and seeing him with another girl all the time. We agreed to see each other once a week (because I didn't have my license at the time and we lived half an hour away from each other) but he gave up on it. He chose her over me and that's something I have to accept, just hurts that I put so much mental and emotional effort on him for someone who didn't feel the same or in fact I doubt he ever felt the same. It hurt to also find out this girl is everything i'm not (she's sporty, skinny, and she seemed very well liked in high school, I heard from a mutual that she is nice and every guy wanted her at some point). Also before he got a girlfriend he wouldn't react to my creepy behaviours, sometimes he would give in to it with it by following me back or liking my posts (like every-time i'd post a breakup quote he'd just like it to prove to me that he's "seen" it). I think I help develop his ego and I made myself the villain. That's why it was so shocking when he started to block me but it was because he has a girlfriend now, he doesn't need me as an ego boost. Edited May 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 30, 2020 Author Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) 40 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You must stop trying to contact him, girl. It's bordering on harassment and you could get yourself into trouble here. The level of fixation you have on him isn't healthy, which you seem to recognize. I too would encourage you to seek some qualified and compassionate professional guidance in dealing with your emotions, as you're at risk of creating problems for yourself that won't go away so easily. I feel guilty everytime I do something like this. Because I know this is not me and just me going insane because I struggle to move on with someone else as I truly think he is the best guy out there and the only guy who doesn't care about himself and likes to show off his girls (guys hate posting on social media about their girlfriends, he posts with her all the time to his whole family and friends). It also hurts for me to see him happy while i'm still hurt. I know I am better than this and i've become an evil stalker villian cause of it. I'm starting to get help now, I don't want to be portrayed in this way anymore. Edited May 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 30, 2020 Author Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) 57 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said: Sounds like you only saw him 3 times in the flesh Also i forgot to mention that because I am aware i've only seen him 3 times (weird fact, i've seen my celebrity crush more times in the flesh) I feel that my feelings about what happened with him and I aren't valid and make it harder for me to cope. Edited May 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 Girl here's a tip: When they tell you they are not ready for a relaitonship, that's just a nice way of saying they don't see you as a potential GF. They will be happy to have sex with you if you offer, but that's it. I'm not trying to be mean here, just being factual so next time you will realize you should walk, not hope something could come of it and then get yourself hurt. We all have been obsessed with someone at one time in out lives. It's because they are untouchable, not available to us as we would like them to be....they become 100X times more desirable, making us crazy. It's how our brains work. You will look back on this and say "omg what was I thinking??" "I made myself look like a fool...and for what?" 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 3 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said: Also before he got a girlfriend he wouldn't react to my creepy behaviours, sometimes he would give in to it with it by following me back or liking my posts (like every-time i'd post a breakup quote he'd just like it to prove to me that he's "seen" it). I think I help develop his ego and I made myself the villain Yeah, he's not blameless. He liked the attention when he was single, and wasn't considerate of your feelings. Still, for next time - stronger boundaries! No more stalking on socials, no more random phone calls. Choose an available guy who likes you back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 30, 2020 Author Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) 57 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Girl here's a tip: When they tell you they are not ready for a relaitonship, that's just a nice way of saying they don't see you as a potential GF. They will be happy to have sex with you if you offer, but that's it. I'm not trying to be mean here, just being factual so next time you will realize you should walk, not hope something could come of it and then get yourself hurt. We all have been obsessed with someone at one time in out lives. It's because they are untouchable, not available to us as we would like them to be....they become 100X times more desirable, making us crazy. It's how our brains work. You will look back on this and say "omg what was I thinking??" "I made myself look like a fool...and for what?" Yea I realised that when he got a girlfriend. I was dumb because when he reached out again I thought he was wanting to see me again but despite reaching out after he said that and then talking everyday for a month straight he never initiated meeting up again. Also gave me false hope when he told me he wanted to see me again when we made out in the bar (he was a bit drunk tho). He was the closest thing i got to a relationship and I actually thought he wasn't ready and that he would eventually be ready (especially as he also told me he got cheated on in his last relationship). I also completely understand with the whole "untouchable" thing. When we were a "thing" I wasn't obsessed with him at all (if anything he was more obsessed with me) and it was obvious he had his flaws. Some reason when we stopped talking and especially when he was taken he seemed to turn into this perfect boyfriend figure and I really thought I just got unlucky. Especially because he was the most decent guy to "like me back" (I usually get lowkey weird guys attracted to me). Edited May 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 Sorry you got played. I will tell you this...never take what comes out of their mouth as the truth. Some guys pull the sympathy card and say they were cheated on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 You know what I think. I think you need ambition. If someone does not make your life better then show them the exit 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 It's a choice. You let yourself be obsessed with him & you feed that desire. . . staying connected on social media, being aware of him & what he's doing. It's time to stop. Remind yourself that he's not a good guy. He ghosted you. He has a new GF. He doesn't care. Even if you got him back, you end up with a guy who is using you only because he can't do any better & you were his fall back position, the sycophant who feeds his ego. You are Better than That & you know it! Start acting like the confident, self assured person you actually are. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 Try to make it impossible for you to contact him, so the emotional centers in your brain can "relax" about him. End any access to his email or phone number etc. Then after a while (at least several months), you should ready to focus on someone else (hopefully with less intensity) aftre your brain changes a bit. DON'T let him re-engage you as that may set you back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 31, 2020 Author Share Posted May 31, 2020 7 hours ago, Realitysux said: You know what I think. I think you need ambition. If someone does not make your life better then show them the exit This is exactly what i'm doing. I am not going to lie it has been hard to let other guys in because I don't want to get hurt again or even worse...idolise them. I may be overreacting here but I did feel a bit violated by this guy i really liked because when we would see each other (mainly on the 2nd date and 3rd encounter) he would feel me up on my breasts and gentalia but he didn't seem to really like me touching him too much (he always wore jeans, it hurt to see a picture of his girlfriend touching his leg when he wore shorts with her). Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxobby_25 Posted May 31, 2020 Author Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: It's a choice. You let yourself be obsessed with him & you feed that desire. . . staying connected on social media, being aware of him & what he's doing. It's time to stop. Remind yourself that he's not a good guy. He ghosted you. He has a new GF. He doesn't care. Even if you got him back, you end up with a guy who is using you only because he can't do any better & you were his fall back position, the sycophant who feeds his ego. You are Better than That & you know it! Start acting like the confident, self assured person you actually are. Thank you xx At first I blamed myself for this thinking there was something wrong with me. Because the fact that he could move on and be in a relationship with a decent girl and I became the lonely, obsessed weirdo. I also knew that the more obsessive behaviours I did the worse I looked. I have reflected and I know i'm not all to blame but sometimes the thoughts do creep in. Edited May 31, 2020 by xoxobby_25 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts