How to stop being so obsessed with him?

[xoxobby_25]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Sorry you got played. I will tell you this...never take what comes out of their mouth as the truth. Some guys pull the sympathy card and say they were cheated on.

Yea on our first date he told me how girls would "always cheat on him" I never saw it as a red flag until later on, he made it hard to believe what was real and what wasn't.

Edited May 31, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[Cookiesandough]

says girls always cheat on him/hes always been victimized by his female partners = MAJOR RED FLAG 

Same with women. This is pretty much #1 on the red flag list for me

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[xoxobby_25]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

says girls always cheat on him/hes always been victimized by his female partners = MAJOR RED FLAG 

Same with women. This is pretty much #1 on the red flag list for me

Yes this is definitely true! 

I always gave him the benefit of the doubt (like he was only 18 and was immature, must of become a mature, nicer man for his gf now). My mind constantly flicks from realising the truth of what happened and convincing myself he must be the "perfect boyfriend".

[xoxobby_25]

13 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Try to make it impossible for you to contact him, so the emotional centers in your brain can "relax" about him. End any access to his email or phone number etc. Then after a while (at least several months), you should ready to focus on someone else (hopefully with less intensity) aftre your brain changes a bit. DON'T let him re-engage you as that may set you back.

I'm definitely doing this. It was crazy because I didn't even find out he had a gf from him (we literally started following each other again when he started to see her) I found out from a mutual friend on fb, his best mate and his mate announced that "he had passed on this life with the boys and gotten himself into a relationship". 

[Starrynights]

@xoxobby_25

Don't feel bad or heartbroken, BE GRATEFUL that you didn't waste your time!!! 

I have been dating since I was 15 years old, I've had several long-term relationships, and I have been on and off online dating for the last 5 years with 2 relationships in between. I'd like to say I'm kind of a professional in the field of online dating and PIGS. And let me tell you girl, you were talking to a GRADE A PIG. He was using you for attention. You two emotionally bonded, that's why it's SOOO HARD for you to let him go. It is NOT your fault though. So, while he was using you for attention and EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, he was dating on the side and seeking connections elsewhere. 

It's not your fault, it seems like because you are a virgin and he was your first kiss AND you two emotionally bonded, you became very close and very attached to him. And it seems like you actually knew the guy decently well so it's VERY NORMAL to feel what you're feeling but not normal to act the way you are. 

You are basing your desires on a fantasy. It's not real. You have deluded yourself into believing he's this amazing guy but I promise you he is NOT amazing and you will meet even better guys in the future. I've been in your shoes before. I became very obsessed with someone I was dating for only a month and now that I have separated myself from the situation, I realized he is a TOTAL F-ING LOSER. My point is, YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO. He's with someone right now and no matter what you do or say, he will NOT come back to you. He has had plenty of chances to start a relationship with you and he is not interested. This doesn't mean you are not beautiful or worth it, it just means he didn't feel connected to you. And, that's okay. You will find later on that you won't connect with other men as well. 

My biggest advice though is: STOP STALKING HIM. Stop making fake profiles or having friends spy on him or whatever else you are doing. GET BACK ON TINDER. Start talking and flirting with other guys, I PROMISE it will do wonders for your self-esteem and you will be able to distract yourself from HIS social media and HIS status. DO NOT GIVE YOUR VIRGINITY TO ANYONE WHO IS NOT YOUR COMMITTED BOYFRIEND FOR A MINIMUM OF 3-6 MONTHS. I know it's normal for people to have sex after 3-5 dates right now but your case is different from others, YOU ARE DIFFERENT from others, in a beautiful way!!! A lot of guys, ESPECIALLY ON TINDER, only go on to sleep with women and they will tell you what you want to hear so you have to be really, really, really careful about this. If he tells you something like: I'll be your boyfriend if we have sex... or something similiar to that. DROP HIM. Some guys are virgin hunters and will abuse them, use them, and lose them. 

Try and take your obsessions to a guy who will APPRECIATE IT!

[mortensorchid]

I have had my own troubles in life, much of it, I think, has to do with my being a bit on the awkward side.  Maybe it's some kind of autism.  But I digress...

The solution to this situation is simple: close the books and move on.  Block him on all social networking, don't have any contact.  Work out, get as much exercise as possible (lifting weights, aerobics, walks in the park, etc.), eat a lot of fruit and vegetables, limit your intake of sugar.  I have lost 20 lbs since starting my diet in February and I feel great physically and mentally.  Accomplishing this is what matters.  I feel so good that the black cloud lifted after that horrible rejection I had 6 years ago that shattered me to the core.  And you can do it as well.

[xoxobby_25]

On 6/8/2020 at 12:41 PM, Starrynights said:

@xoxobby_25

Don't feel bad or heartbroken, BE GRATEFUL that you didn't waste your time!!! 

I have been dating since I was 15 years old, I've had several long-term relationships, and I have been on and off online dating for the last 5 years with 2 relationships in between. I'd like to say I'm kind of a professional in the field of online dating and PIGS. And let me tell you girl, you were talking to a GRADE A PIG. He was using you for attention. You two emotionally bonded, that's why it's SOOO HARD for you to let him go. It is NOT your fault though. So, while he was using you for attention and EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, he was dating on the side and seeking connections elsewhere. 

It's not your fault, it seems like because you are a virgin and he was your first kiss AND you two emotionally bonded, you became very close and very attached to him. And it seems like you actually knew the guy decently well so it's VERY NORMAL to feel what you're feeling but not normal to act the way you are. 

You are basing your desires on a fantasy. It's not real. You have deluded yourself into believing he's this amazing guy but I promise you he is NOT amazing and you will meet even better guys in the future. I've been in your shoes before. I became very obsessed with someone I was dating for only a month and now that I have separated myself from the situation, I realized he is a TOTAL F-ING LOSER. My point is, YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO. He's with someone right now and no matter what you do or say, he will NOT come back to you. He has had plenty of chances to start a relationship with you and he is not interested. This doesn't mean you are not beautiful or worth it, it just means he didn't feel connected to you. And, that's okay. You will find later on that you won't connect with other men as well. 

My biggest advice though is: STOP STALKING HIM. Stop making fake profiles or having friends spy on him or whatever else you are doing. GET BACK ON TINDER. Start talking and flirting with other guys, I PROMISE it will do wonders for your self-esteem and you will be able to distract yourself from HIS social media and HIS status. DO NOT GIVE YOUR VIRGINITY TO ANYONE WHO IS NOT YOUR COMMITTED BOYFRIEND FOR A MINIMUM OF 3-6 MONTHS. I know it's normal for people to have sex after 3-5 dates right now but your case is different from others, YOU ARE DIFFERENT from others, in a beautiful way!!! A lot of guys, ESPECIALLY ON TINDER, only go on to sleep with women and they will tell you what you want to hear so you have to be really, really, really careful about this. If he tells you something like: I'll be your boyfriend if we have sex... or something similiar to that. DROP HIM. Some guys are virgin hunters and will abuse them, use them, and lose them. 

Try and take your obsessions to a guy who will APPRECIATE IT!

Thank you for this advice :) I honestly don’t know if he was talking to anyone on the side while we were “dating” (he “proved” to me that he wasn’t during the time) but it’s definitely a possibility considering that’s how online dating is like. 
 

Tbh after him I lost trust in guys from online apps. I even deleted tinder and chosen to use other sites. It hurt when I called him and when I said my name he said I was “the girl he met on tinder” just goes to show we were on two different pages. But yes I’m definitely not letting it stop me from completely moving on 

[Hopeful30]

On 5/30/2020 at 1:01 AM, xoxobby_25 said:

Over a year ago I (19F) met this guy on tinder. I really liked him and I thought he really liked me too based on what he would say to me. We went on 2 dates and a couple of weeks later he ghosted me. I decided to reach out and suggest to be friends, and he agreed and said he "wasn't ready for a relationship". I decided to ghost him because I knew being "friends" wasn't going to work out, However, a week later he kept trying reaching out and I gave in. We talked on and off on snapchat for 3 months, we talked so much we had the heart emoji next to our names. However, I ended up ghosting him because I felt like I was receiving false hope as he still didn't want to see me in person. Around this time he got mad at me for posting indirect breakup quotes on facebook as he knew they were about him and asked me. He also asked "why do you care about me so much?" and when I answered he just responded with "no worries" and I never looked back (and when I say never I mean about 3 weeks).

On August 2019 we bumped into each other at a club. I kissed him and he told me constantly that he "wanted to see me again". I also confessed to him about my virginity and he asked me if I was "waiting for a relationship?" and insinuated wanting to "christen" each others cars. The last snapchat he sent me was "when are we going to see each other again?" However, he ghosted me the next day. I found out the day after he ghosted me he super-liked my best friend on Tinder and tried to ask her out. My friend responded to him telling him he wasn't nice to me and he said "she's twisting sh*t but believe what you want".

On December 2019 he got a girlfriend. I kept comparing myself to her and felt like my ego was damaged (I am less popular than her and have never had a boyfriend, he was my first kiss). Although it had already been around 10 months since he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and almost 5 months since the ghosting situation I felt embarrassed. I got really obsessed with him. He just turned 20 last week. He is popular, a tradesman which are well respected in Australia, was GORGEOUS, and seemed to have his life together. I became really jealous on how well he was treating his girlfriend and how much everyone around them loved their relationship based on social media, this could have been my future if he wanted me. Every-time I had tried to reach out on a specific social media platform he would block me and has blocked me on all social media platforms like I was nothing. The only time he replied was when I congratulated him on his relationship and I had also requested his girlfriend on social media platforms and some girl who I had 50+ mutual friends with on fb and was apparently friends with her. He told me "thanks for saying that, but in the nicest way possible please stop requesting her and please stop requesting her friends as well". 

I would use other accounts to creep up on him as he had blocked me. I would do really creepy things like I sent him an anonymous text on how hurt I felt and would also call him on a private number now and then and hang up when he picked up because I felt too anxious (one time I forgot and he called me back 7 times and I didn't answer). On March I saw he changed his fb profile pic of him looking at her smiling like he had never smiled at me or at all since he told me he was insecure about his teeth. He also made this relationship fb official. I got angry about everything and decided to call him on the private number again and told him how much he had hurt me. He didn't know who it was at first so when I told him he said " oh, the girl I met off tinder". I realised that this all meant nothing to him from the beginning. He tried to "apologise" over and over again but I wouldn't accept it, it was obvious he was just apologising because I called and not because he really meant it. Last night I got another ego blow when I wanted to apologise to him so I added his snapchat and he blocked me straight away on that. 

The truth is, not many guys are like him or treat girls like he does. The thought of another guy does not excite me and I know i'll just be settling with someone I don't even like or aren't as good for the sake of it. He's the only guy I know that is super against cheating and the importance of treating a girl like a princess. I know if he liked me we would have the most perfect relationship everyone would envy. I used to stalk his girlfriend's instagram and she would post these perfect beach dates with him. I feel that if it's not him I will forever be miserable and I can't be happy because he is the only key to happiness.

Sit down with a pen and paper and write down all the negatives about him or your experiences with him. Whenever you have automatic thoughts (obsess about him), read aloud this list, to remind yourself why you're not with him.

Edited June 19, 2020 by Hopeful30

[xoxobby_25]

2 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Sit down with a pen and paper and write down all the negatives about him or your experiences with him. Whenever you have automatic thoughts (obsess about him), read aloud this list, to remind yourself why you're not with him.

I have tried this but I’m willing to try it again. Was very hard at one point to think of negatives as when I met him he was “everything I wanted in a man”. The fact that their friends and fam love their relationship and posted pictures of them with the couple made me think otherwise, like why is he this guy a “perfect” boyfriend to her but made me feel like crap 99% of the times. It made me hard to think of negatives because I knew he was capable of being a good person, he just wasn’t a good person to me. However, I know that’s a flaw in itself. 

[basil67]

Do you know why you can't think of negatives?  It's because you don't really know him.   You have a glorified idea of him based on how he presented on two dates and how he writes his social media.    Put that into your list making too.  

Also, I think you're over estimating how much other people care about his new relationship.  Sure, they may shower posts with likes and hearts and comment about the sweet couple, but it's just meaningless FB drivel.  

[xoxobby_25]

Thank you this was really helpful  I have tried to stop analysing what mutual friends post about them (like one posted a photo with both of them and said they were “the cutest couple”). Cause it’s just being nice and social media is pretty meaningless. At the end of the day I’ve never gotten to know him. Trust me, he was a completely different person on that frantic phone call. 

[xoxobby_25]

24 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Do you know why you can't think of negatives?  It's because you don't really know him.   You have a glorified idea of him based on how he presented on two dates and how he writes his social media.    Put that into your list making too.  

Also, I think you're over estimating how much other people care about his new relationship.  Sure, they may shower posts with likes and hearts and comment about the sweet couple, but it's just meaningless FB drivel.  

Thank you this was really helpful  I have tried to stop analysing what mutual friends post about them (like one posted a photo with both of them and said they were “the cutest couple”). Cause it’s just being nice and social media is pretty meaningless. At the end of the day I’ve never gotten to know him. Trust me, he was a completely different person on that frantic phone call. 

[xoxobby_25]

On 6/10/2020 at 2:36 PM, mortensorchid said:

I have had my own troubles in life, much of it, I think, has to do with my being a bit on the awkward side.  Maybe it's some kind of autism.  But I digress...

The solution to this situation is simple: close the books and move on.  Block him on all social networking, don't have any contact.  Work out, get as much exercise as possible (lifting weights, aerobics, walks in the park, etc.), eat a lot of fruit and vegetables, limit your intake of sugar.  I have lost 20 lbs since starting my diet in February and I feel great physically and mentally.  Accomplishing this is what matters.  I feel so good that the black cloud lifted after that horrible rejection I had 6 years ago that shattered me to the core.  And you can do it as well.

I actually have been doing this, taking care of my health as i didn't tend to do it when i was talking to him or when I found out he got a gf. He completely cut me off, blocked me on everything. I thought it was personal until I saw his ig profile, he even deleted things with his friends on social media only has pics with her and has her name in caps with a red heart. He got into a relationship a few before the new year so I guess he wanted to cut off his past, including me, for 2020 and turning 20. I also am proud to say it's been 2 weeks since I checked either one of their profiles. Thank you for this advice it feels good to know i am not alone 

[xoxobby_25]

UPDATE

So it's been one month since i've made this post so I thought I would give an update.

Mental health wise it's been difficult. I get into depressive moods, especially when hormonal. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about him and them as a couple. I had a mental breakdown last week because I saw a picture from one of their friends of a polaroid of them on a picnic, cuddling up by the blankets. I still so envious when I see him with her, and ask why I didn't deserve him, why couldn't he want me. I get so envious when I think about the images of her arm around his "naked" leg (he always wore pants around me to cover up his legs and didn't like me touching him despite touching me all over my body), her one picture of him shirtless and sexy at the beach (something else I never got to see in the flesh), just see her be this girlfriend figure that I never got to be. Seeing him smile with her and not with me (but also not with anyone else) still hurts now and then.

I constantly tried to apologise to him but none of the messages delivered. He's either blocked me or put numbers that aren't on contacts on "do not disturb". I realised that if he doesn't want my heartfelt apology and to be at least on good terms then so be it. I know i'm a good person that has just made a few mistakes that make me look like a bad one, and I'm trying not to care about what he thinks. I also forgot to mention that one of his friends (that follows her) blocked me on instagram a while back. She was a public account and I followed her and unfollowed her (because she did the same to me) then I followed her again like a few weeks to a month later. He could have been talking smack about me at that point because that isn't really a reason to block someone, not making excuses for my terrible and crazy behaviour though.

On a positive note however, I'm going back to therapy. I'm trying to get rid of these thoughts of romanticising him and glorifying him and I know most of the image is based on social media and my own head. I'm trying to love myself more and stop comparing myself to her, she may be prettier than me but I know there's more to life than looks. I'm also learning to stop over analysing his actions towards her on social media (e.g. seeing him constantly post about her and making her all his dps and cover images on all social media platforms, and making a spotify playlist for her doesn't prove he's a great boyfriend, it's in real life that counts). I'm also taking it a step over and aiming to go on a date with someone else. Someone that isn't a "sexy, tanned, tradesman" like the unrealistic image in my head. Even if it doesn't work out at least I have tried. Because he's been in a relationship for 6 months now and I haven't even been bothered to try and move on, giving up because I believe I have "no hope".

Thank you all for the positive messages and constructive criticism.  

Edited June 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[Giovane]

Good luck wih therapy and everything!

As for constructive criticism... It's been said so often, but I'll say it again:

Just STOP already with the social media!

Unfollow, block, don't even log in, delete the apps from your phone!

Concentrate on life, not the media representation of life!

I get the impression that your focus on social media makes you unhappy and holds you back, probably not only in the area of dating.

[d0nnivain]

You are stuck because you won't take the simple step of unfollowing him & blocking him on all social media.  

Especially since you have mutual friends, you need to block so he doesn't just pop up.  

When you take that step you will be so much closer to healing.  

[xoxobby_25]

48 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are stuck because you won't take the simple step of unfollowing him & blocking him on all social media.  

Especially since you have mutual friends, you need to block so he doesn't just pop up.  

When you take that step you will be so much closer to healing.  

I take it as a blessing now, but he blocked me on everything. I do admit to looking at accounts of him and his gf's friends, creating new accounts, and simple google searches. It was also hard to see her friends basically become best friends with him as well. Calling him the "best boyfriend" for their friend. 

Thank you

Edited June 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[xoxobby_25]

1 hour ago, Giovane said:

Good luck wih therapy and everything!

As for constructive criticism... It's been said so often, but I'll say it again:

Just STOP already with the social media!

Unfollow, block, don't even log in, delete the apps from your phone!

Concentrate on life, not the media representation of life!

I get the impression that your focus on social media makes you unhappy and holds you back, probably not only in the area of dating.

Thank you :). My degree in university is in social media so it is hard for me to completely cut it off. As much as social media hurts me (mostly related to him) it is also my hobby. I want to become a social media manager when I graduate.

I'm trying to enjoy life and not the social media representation like you said. This has put me in a really dark place and i'm trying to get out of it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You won't really move until you stop looking them up anywhere online. 

That has to stop. Perhaps your therapist can help you learn some more effective coping strategies to help you fight the urge to pick at the scab like this. 

[Roswell91]

On 5/30/2020 at 7:19 AM, xoxobby_25 said:

Because he was the only thing that was making me feel truly that life was worth living. I haven't found anyone like him since (e.g. he's the only guy to post pictures of him with children".

There are millions of people on the planet. What makes him so special?

You dont truly know him down to the core. You think you do but you don't. 

He ghosted you multiple times and said hes not ready for a relationship ..which in man code means..not wanting a relationship with you in particular.

Don't  you want a person who sees your greatness and your value? And doesn't  dismiss you like garbage?

As for your obsession with checking up on him and his gf all the time. Its a waste of your life. At your young age you have a lot you can focus on and accomplish still.  

Edited June 30, 2020 by Roswell91

[xoxobby_25]

59 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You won't really move until you stop looking them up anywhere online. 

That has to stop. Perhaps your therapist can help you learn some more effective coping strategies to help you fight the urge to pick at the scab like this. 

I'm working on this! i've vowed myself to no longer check what they are doing. Sometimes I feel down also for what they could be doing or thinking about how perfect their life is compared to mine (in summer i got very anxious because from her beach posts, I imagined them going cliff jumping and doing all these amazing water activities with friends while i was depressed or at work). Irrational i know!

[Roswell91]

On 6/20/2020 at 1:17 AM, xoxobby_25 said:

I have tried this but I’m willing to try it again. Was very hard at one point to think of negatives as when I met him he was “everything I wanted in a man”. The fact that their friends and fam love their relationship and posted pictures of them with the couple made me think otherwise, like why is he this guy a “perfect” boyfriend to her but made me feel like crap 99% of the times. It made me hard to think of negatives because I knew he was capable of being a good person, he just wasn’t a good person to me. However, I know that’s a flaw in itself. 

Sometimes that's how it is. A guy will treat many women poorly, but the one he really likes and chooses to commit to, suddenly they're an amazing person to them.

Its happened to me too. 

There's no point wondering or pondering the reasons why. It wont do you any good. 

Also how i define someone as being good is how they treat every individual ( including those they don't like or feel a connection with). 

Edited June 30, 2020 by Roswell91

[xoxobby_25]

19 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

There are millions of people on the planet. What makes him so special?

You dont truly know him down to the core. You think you do but you don't. 

He ghosted you multiple times and said hes not ready for a relationship ..which in man code means..not wanting a relationship with you in particular.

Don't  you want a person who sees your greatness and your value? And doesn't  dismiss you like garbage?

As for your obsession with checking up on him and his gf all the time. Its a waste of your life. At your young age you have a lot you can focus on and accomplish still.  

I don't even know myself tbh.

I saw his flaws when we were a thing. I was considering breaking it off before he did but was afraid to lose him at the time. But he somehow seemed much better and exciting when he moved on, or in the phases when we were not just talking anymore. In my country as well, tradesmen (we call them "tradies") are very looked up upon, as "real, strong men" university/college students and men that don't work in those fields are seen as "weak". He was just everything I wanted in a guy for a long time, seemed like he had his life together, and he was irresistibly good looking as well.

I know though that doesn't cut it and a personality is more valuable than looks and physical attributes/interests. I've felt depressed about my own life, especially when restrictions began. I felt my life was boring and I could never truly be happy unless he was in my life. It just all looks like a romantic netflix movie on social media (going to the beach, partying with friends, being in love) and I started to feel down about myself.

Edited June 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[Roswell91]

3 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I don't even know myself tbh.

I saw his flaws when we were a thing. I was considering breaking it off before he did but was afraid to lose him at the time. But he somehow seemed much better and exciting when he moved on, or in the phases when we were not just talking anymore. In my country as well, tradesmen (we call them "tradies") are very looked up upon, as "real, strong men" university/college students and men that don't work in those fields are seen as "weak", so it. He was just everything I wanted in a guy for a long time, seemed like he had his life together, and he was irresistibly good looking as well.

I know though that doesn't cut it and a personality is more valuable than looks and physical attributes/interests. I've felt depressed about my own life, especially when restrictions began. I felt my life was boring and I could never truly be happy unless he was in my life. It just all looks like a romantic netflix movie on social media (going to the beach, partying with friends, being in love) and I started to feel down about myself.

That's something  you should never do. Compare yourself to others especially from social media. Even fairly well known celebs and the like make posts about how everyone has down/bad days, but all they choose for everyone to see is how much fun they're having. 

Your time will come. So don't  worry about it! And you'll look back and wonder what you were stressing about. 

[xoxobby_25]

28 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

Sometimes that's how it is. A guy will treat many women poorly, but the one he really likes and chooses to commit to, suddenly they're an amazing person to them.

Its happened to me too. 

There's no point wondering or pondering the reasons why. It wont do you any good. 

Also how i define someone as being good is how they treat every individual ( including those they don't like or feel a connection with). 

This is super true, he was only nice to me when he "liked" me or when it seemed he wanted something from me that i wouldn't give (you'd know what i'm talking about). 

I got to admit i had done and said some things that were hurtful because i was frustrated of how dry he was being and felt a little lead on (he denies in the phone call that he lead me on and in his words, he told me "straight up" that he didn't wanted to see me anymore, yes he did tell me he "wasn't ready" but the events that happened after definitely prove otherwise).

The time of that rampant phone call in March I had called him when I saw the facebook dp and told him "why wasn't i good enough for you?" me not remembering he hadn't heard my voice in 8 months, he said "who is this" and i said "as if you don't know" and he said "who the f*ck is this* and he hung up. I felt emotionally manipulated and abused so I got really angry so I shared the picture from an anonymous account and told his friends how he "abuses" women (like i said i felt emotionally abused but that was a reach) and some other nasty things that i don't remember because I was so mentally f*cked up. I told him it was a "friend" that was standing up for me and apologised). 

I just feel like he also treated me terribly because I'm a terrible person even though i didn't do anything wrong (except for the subliminal Facebook posts) before he got a gf and i got really obsessed. 

And thank you for the comments, they have been helpful

Edited June 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25