How to stop being so obsessed with him?

[Roswell91]

4 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

This is super true, he was only nice to me when he "liked" me or when it seemed he wanted something from me that i wouldn't give (you'd know what i'm talking about). 

I got to admit i had done and said some things that were hurtful because i was frustrated of how dry he was being and felt a little lead on (he denies that he lead me on and in his words, he told me "straight up" that he didn't wanted to see me anymore, yes he did tell me he "wasn't ready" but the events that happened after definitely prove otherwise).

I felt emotionally manipulated and abused so I got really angry when i saw his facebook dp and shared the picture from an anonymous account (prior to the rampant phone call) and told his friends how he "abuses" women (like i said i felt emotionally abused but that was a reach) and some other nasty things that i don't remember because I was so mentally f*cked up. I told him it was a "friend" that was standing up for me and apologised). 

I just feel like he also treated me terribly because I'm a terrible person even though i didn't do anything wrong (except for the subliminal Facebook posts) before he got a gf and i got really obsessed. 

And thank you for the comments, they have been helpful

Best thing when someone treats you unfairly is to keep emotions in check and act like they were never  a factor in your life. 

But i can understand  when you feel a certain way about someone it can be difficult.

And no problem! 😀

[xoxobby_25]

5 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

Best thing when someone treats you unfairly is to keep emotions in check and act like they were never  a factor in your life. 

But i can understand  when you feel a certain way about someone it can be difficult.

And no problem! 😀

I definitely know that now! I know I am much better than that. 

I felt embarassed for the fact that I was going this crazy over someone i had only seen in person 3 times. On the other hand, the fact that i only saw him that many times because he didn't want to make time with me and knowing she's seeing him multiple times a week made me feel jealous and down about myself. Because we agreed in the beginning when we were seeing each other to see each other only once a week and he couldn't even keep that up.

Edited June 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[xoxobby_25]

*additional info

when we talked on and off for "3 months", It began in April after telling me he "wasn't ready for a relationship" and I ghosted him at the end of May that year because he didn't seeing me despite talking for over a month and started being dry/leaving me in delivered. I failed my drivers test and hit him up again and we talked for a week which was when he started to get mad at me for the fb posts because he was making excuses for me to not see him in person again (i take responsibility for this). Then we made out in August...

Edited June 30, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Mental health wise it's been difficult. I get into depressive moods, especially when hormonal. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about him and them as a couple. I had a mental breakdown last week because I saw a picture from one of their friends of a polaroid of them on a picnic, cuddling up by the blankets. I still so envious when I see him with her, and ask why I didn't deserve him, why couldn't he want me. I get so envious when I think about the images of her arm around his "naked" leg (he always wore pants around me to cover up his legs and didn't like me touching him despite touching me all over my body), her one picture of him shirtless and sexy at the beach (something else I never got to see in the flesh), just see her be this girlfriend figure that I never got to be. Seeing him smile with her and not with me (but also not with anyone else) still hurts now and then.

It's not enough that they've blocked you. You also need to unfollow anyone who is likely to post a picture of either of them or make a comment about either of them or tag either of them. Otherwise, you'll keep bumping into reminders of their romance online. 

The less frequently you come across reminders of them, the easier it will be to heal.

[preraph]

And you need to be sure he can't see or contact you through social media or even see your social media because if your obsessed did everything you put on social media you're going to filter that through what if he sees it and your ultimate goal is to stop giving a crap what he thinks about anything about you.

[xoxobby_25]

19 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

It's not enough that they've blocked you. You also need to unfollow anyone who is likely to post a picture of either of them or make a comment about either of them or tag either of them. Otherwise, you'll keep bumping into reminders of their romance online. 

The less frequently you come across reminders of them, the easier it will be to heal.

Yes i have done that. Sick of seeing from both his friends and her friends about what a great guy he is and a great girl she is, and how "perfect" they are together.

I tend to also get depressed on Sundays because that's when i'd see stories of them on their amazing sunday beach dates and stuff, even when i'm NOT looking at social media. The thoughts of him being the most amazing boyfriend a girl could have (or anyone similar to him) is ruining my possibility of dating someone, as I will never see them treat me as amazingly as he treats her or as perfect of a boyfriend as him.

[xoxobby_25]

19 hours ago, preraph said:

And you need to be sure he can't see or contact you through social media or even see your social media because if your obsessed did everything you put on social media you're going to filter that through what if he sees it and your ultimate goal is to stop giving a crap what he thinks about anything about you.

Oh he's blocked me on everything, he can't stand me pretty much. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I tend to also get depressed on Sundays because that's when i'd see stories of them on their amazing sunday beach dates and stuff, even when i'm NOT looking at social media. The thoughts of him being the most amazing boyfriend a girl could have (or anyone similar to him) is ruining my possibility of dating someone, as I will never see them treat me as amazingly as he treats her or as perfect of a boyfriend as him.

How do you see their stories if you're not looking at social media?

You have this guy on a Fantasy-land Pedestal, girl. You have no clue what kind of boyfriend he actually is. You only know what you see posted on social media, which is always the shiniest and most curated of moments. Nobody is that perfect, and you're fooling yourself if you think he is. That's part of what's hurting you so much. You've got this idealized, fantasy narrative constructed about him that is not based in reality, because you barely know this guy and you certainly don't know what sort of relationship he really has. 

It sounds more like you're very lonely in love, and are quite desperate to meet your own Prince Charming.  So you've projected this fantasy onto this particular guy and have trouble distinguishing that from  the everyday reality that most relationships consist of. Do you have some escapist tendencies, perhaps? 

[HighHopes87]

It’s really hard when you’re feeling so hurt and your ego is bruised but like others have mentioned here - you’re young. You could be setting yourself up for a huge fail here that could negatively impact the rest of your life. Love and heartbreak aside - this is pretty much harassment and you need to be carful. 
 

Wounds and hearts heal but you don’t want to get into trouble with the law.  Obsession is an awful thing to feel especially when it’s unrequited. I’ve never really got over my ex and I’ve had to talk myself out or contacting them on several occasions because I don’t want her to think of me as a creep. 

Focus on what you do have in your life and try dating other people. Be kind to yourself but stay sensible. 

[Realitysux]

It's not worth it. The guy isn't worth it. I wasted so much time on an obsession I actually met someone today. I would have been better off focusing on my life and myself and I could have been a great catch for this person .. it's such a waste and you can't go back either 

[xoxobby_25]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How do you see their stories if you're not looking at social media?

You have this guy on a Fantasy-land Pedestal, girl. You have no clue what kind of boyfriend he actually is. You only know what you see posted on social media, which is always the shiniest and most curated of moments. Nobody is that perfect, and you're fooling yourself if you think he is. That's part of what's hurting you so much. You've got this idealized, fantasy narrative constructed about him that is not based in reality, because you barely know this guy and you certainly don't know what sort of relationship he really has. 

It sounds more like you're very lonely in love, and are quite desperate to meet your own Prince Charming.  So you've projected this fantasy onto this particular guy and have trouble distinguishing that from  the everyday reality that most relationships consist of. Do you have some escapist tendencies, perhaps? 

It has been so difficult for me to date since because of the unrealistic expectations I have. And like you said, putting this guy on a pedestal. 
 

I’m in fact talking to a guy currently that seems really nice and we may go on a date in a few weeks. He’s not the type I’d go for usually (he’s a university student rather than a carpenter like this guy is) but I’m giving it a chance at least. I know I’m capable of dating other people and I honestly could of moved on long before he did but I chose not to because I believe I could find “no one better”. I don’t have a terrible life. I was bullied in primary school however, and was seen as an “outcast” in high school, I went to an all girls school and had no experience in guys until this one (my first date was when I was 16 but it was platonic). I always wanted to be “popular” and loved and accepted by what I deemed were “cool” people. Even though I have plenty of friends now and a good social life there’s something I’ve always longed for and I could never get my head around it. I saw how cool he was in hs and I couldn’t believe a guy like him would ever go for a girl like me. His current gf was super popular and liked by the guys apparently so it makes sense that he is with her. 

I have stopped checking them now but the stuff I talk about that I’ve seen is mostly from what I saw because I before I stopped stalking. Like HighHopes87 said I don’t want to ruin my own life. It’s hard to not put this guy on a pedestal when everyone else seems to do (her high school friend just recently posted a picture of her with the couple captioning “third wheeling with these two 😍😍😍”). If he’s such a terrible person why is he praised by all her family and friends, surely they could see right through him. I’ve never seen any guy get this much praise let alone someone who made me feel inferior. Everyone thinks I’m crazy because they don’t believe that “such a perfect boyfriend and guy” would treat a girl like this. 

 

Edited July 1, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[d0nnivain]

when you have a past pattern that only brought grief & strife into your life, dating against "type" often brings good people into your life. 

Do give this college guy a fair shake.  

Since you now recognize that you have unrealistic expectations, pay attention & don't let them blow out of proportion.  

[Realitysux]

11 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

It has been so difficult for me to date since because of the unrealistic expectations I have. And like you said, putting this guy on a pedestal. 
 

I’m in fact talking to a guy currently that seems really nice and we may go on a date in a few weeks. He’s not the type I’d go for usually (he’s a university student rather than a carpenter like this guy is) but I’m giving it a chance at least. I know I’m capable of dating other people and I honestly could of moved on long before he did but I chose not to because I believe I could find “no one better”. I don’t have a terrible life. I was bullied in primary school however, and was seen as an “outcast” in high school, I went to an all girls school and had no experience in guys until this one (my first date was when I was 16 but it was platonic). I always wanted to be “popular” and loved and accepted by what I deemed were “cool” people. Even though I have plenty of friends now and a good social life there’s something I’ve always longed for and I could never get my head around it. I saw how cool he was in hs and I couldn’t believe a guy like him would ever go for a girl like me. His current gf was super popular and liked by the guys apparently so it makes sense that he is with her. 

I have stopped checking them now but the stuff I talk about that I’ve seen is mostly from what I saw because I before I stopped stalking. Like HighHopes87 said I don’t want to ruin my own life. It’s hard to not put this guy on a pedestal when everyone else seems to do (her high school friend just recently posted a picture of her with the couple captioning “third wheeling with these two 😍😍😍”). If he’s such a terrible person why is he praised by all her family and friends, surely they could see right through him. I’ve never seen any guy get this much praise let alone someone who made me feel inferior. Everyone thinks I’m crazy because they don’t believe that “such a perfect boyfriend and guy” would treat a girl like this. 

 

I absolutely agree that if he was that popular then he is better suited with someone who is just as popular. I don't agree with the obsession interfering with your life to the extent it did. I have learned the hard way, that finding a connection will not be as easy but it will be worth it. It's good you can talk about it no doubt and I'm sure the advice from random people on the internet is just what you need. Here's the thing, you have to be in love with your own life and that's when you stop obsessions and putting people on pedestal! Who cares if he is with someone. How I see it is you have it now buddy and I'll have it later! 

Edited July 1, 2020 by Realitysux

[xoxobby_25]

5 hours ago, Realitysux said:

It's not worth it. The guy isn't worth it. I wasted so much time on an obsession I actually met someone today. I would have been better off focusing on my life and myself and I could have been a great catch for this person .. it's such a waste and you can't go back either 

I feel like I’m wasting my own life. My comparisons are ruining my chance with anyone else. I don’t want to sound full of myself but I’ve rejected so many guys (I do get a lot of guys wanting to date) because of this one person. And most of the perception is via social media (which I don’t check anymore). Because when we used to talk everyday he didn’t seem as good.

When I saw pictures of him holding children and with his girlfriend from the beach, all tanned and sexy from his job (I realised mostly obsessed with him because of the job he has, because it’s seen as attractive, and compared to university students, he does make more money, tradies are just out on a pedestal in Australia for some odd reason). Along with the praise from friends and family about him and his relationship (it was even announced publicly on a Facebook popular page that he was in a relationship, that’s how I found out). Was when the unrealistic fantasies came in. 

[xoxobby_25]

14 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I absolutely agree that if he was that popular then he is better suited with someone who is just as popular. I don't agree with the obsession interfering with your life to the extent it did. I have learned the hard way, that finding a connection will not be as easy but it will be worth it. It's good you can talk about it no doubt and I'm sure the advice from random people on the internet is just what you need. Here's the thing, you have to be in love with your own life and that's when you stop obsessions and putting people on pedestal! Who cares if he is with someone. How I see it is you have it now buddy and I'll have it later! 

I believe you and this forum along with the current therapy I’m having is making me feel so much better. It just hurts that maybe If I was popular and cooler I could have someone as similar to him. When he found my friend on tinder I even got self conscious because I knew she is super skinny and pretty. I blame a lot of my today struggles on high school. I don’t think he knew that I was unpopular but I did tell him that I was bullied in primary school (he just stayed silent for a couple of seconds and didn’t seem to care). 

Edited July 1, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[xoxobby_25]

30 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

when you have a past pattern that only brought grief & strife into your life, dating against "type" often brings good people into your life. 

Do give this college guy a fair shake.  

Since you now recognize that you have unrealistic expectations, pay attention & don't let them blow out of proportion.  

I think I’ve mentioned this in the forum but I’ve never been in a relationship + virgin and sometimes I think I turn guys away because of it (I mean his current gf just got out of a serious relationship before him apparently). I feel they think that I don’t have experience and/or it’s seen as a red flag. 

At the end of the day, hard to judge on someone I don’t know and that no one I know, knows (one mutual friend said she went on a date with him in the past and he was being weirdly/“too” nice). But even when I hear negative things about him I just give him excuses (e.g. he was younger and less mature). 

I’m choosing to give guys a chance from now one. Not judging them by their physical attributes and comparing them to what he had (I judge on the most superficial shameful things like their car and if they were cool in high school).  Because it’s not only unfair on me but also unfair on them. 

Edited July 1, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[xoxobby_25]

more additional/background info

I also had a ex friend in high school who would blame the fact that she was unpopular in school because of me. She would tell me that I was the reason that we never went to parties or had boyfriends. She ditched me and got all my friends against me for 6 months when I was 15. I was sitting by myself everyday until the other friends had enough of how mean she was. My family and I invited her into our home with open arms. We were very close at one point.

She moved schools and became “popular” just like she wanted to. This is when I began to care about high school popularity the most. Since then I’ve just wanted to be accepted by “cool” people. Knowing he wanted to be with someone that didn’t have the problems I had in high school was such an ego blow for me. She stalks me on social media now and then but I’m still hurt. 

Edited July 1, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[stillafool]

On 6/30/2020 at 8:00 AM, xoxobby_25 said:

I definitely know that now! I know I am much better than that. 

I felt embarassed for the fact that I was going this crazy over someone i had only seen in person 3 times. On the other hand, the fact that i only saw him that many times because he didn't want to make time with me and knowing she's seeing him multiple times a week made me feel jealous and down about myself. Because we agreed in the beginning when we were seeing each other to see each other only once a week and he couldn't even keep that up.

You are putting this guy on a pedestal as if he was the greatest guy in the world to you but he wasn't.  He told you he didn't want a relationship and then hit on one of your girlfriends.  Lucky for you that she is a good friend and rejected him.  Guys who care about a girl would never in a million years do that.  This isn't the guy for you because if he was he never would have ignored you the way he did, block you numerous times, ask you to not bother his gf or her friends, and then completely forget who you are when you last contacted him.  You have nothing to apologize to him for and as you can see it sounds like he's forgotten the whole matter as well as you.  This is not someone you should waste mind space on.  You say social media is what you're studying at university but you also say it puts you in a dark place.  Maybe you should reconsider your major.  

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Knowing he wanted to be with someone that didn’t have the problems I had in high school was such an ego blow for me. 

Did he actually tell you this or is this an assumption?

[xoxobby_25]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You are putting this guy on a pedestal as if he was the greatest guy in the world to you but he wasn't.  He told you he didn't want a relationship and then hit on one of your girlfriends.  Lucky for you that she is a good friend and rejected him.  Guys who care about a girl would never in a million years do that.  This isn't the guy for you because if he was he never would have ignored you the way he did, block you numerous times, ask you to not bother his gf or her friends, and then completely forget who you are when you last contacted him.  You have nothing to apologize to him for and as you can see it sounds like he's forgotten the whole matter as well as you.  This is not someone you should waste mind space on.  You say social media is what you're studying at university but you also say it puts you in a dark place.  Maybe you should reconsider your major.  

Yes he was not the nicest guy to me that's why it hurt so much to see him give another girl what i wanted and knew exactly what i wanted and the fact he's seen as the "best boyfriend" to this girl by other people and unlike her other relationships, everyone wants to be friends with him. I felt like it was my fault for other things i did and simply because i continued to fall for a guy who didn't want me and was playing me, hence the need to apologise. After our second date was when he started to not like me so I feel it's something I did on that date. And yes, I love my course but i have reconsidered my major just because I feel my life revolves around social media and idk if i want a job in it.

I adapted to his schedule when talking on social media because we talked so much. The fact he was always free on Sundays while i was working (because his job doesn't require him working on Sundays) and maybe he wanted someone like her who's also free on then. I romanticise him and feel like their relationship is one of those romantic netflix movies where they go to these amazing places and have this amazing summer either just them or with friends. And I worry that a guy isn't going to treat me as good let's say if this guy actually wanted me and our relationship won't seem as amazing.

I just compared the girl to me and she doesn't seem that she has as many mental health issues and problems i do. He wanted someone who seemed to have a better life, more popularity and sexual/romantic experience. I feel like he even put me on a pedestal because he seemed obsessed with my "beauty" (he said I was "too" hot for him on our first date) and full on love-bombed me. Then when he realised my personality and lack of experience in relationships and sexual, he didn't want me anymore. 

 

Edited July 2, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[stillafool]

Stop blaming yourself.  None of the things you did, especially not having sexual experience or being popular back in HS, would turn a guy off if he were into you.  When guys love bomb you right away it's a big red flag used to get easy sex.  They know women are flattered if you praise their looks and tell you how much better you are than them.  This guy hit on your best friend.  Let that sink in for a minute.  Do you see how disrespectful that is?  He didn't give a hoot about your feelings he just went after what he wanted with no regard for you.   Like someone else said in this thread that guys who say they don't want a relationship will meet a girl and next thing you know they are head over heels for her and straighten up to be the best boyfriend.  This guy was hers.  The good news for you is there is a guy who is perfect for you still out there.  You are only 19 and have a lot of men to experience before you meet him.  Let this one go because you will never meet the one when you're holding on to someone else, especially someone who is only a fantasy.  You've got to stop thinking there was something between you and this guy.  If there were he would have at least remembered who you were instead of "Oh the Tinder girl" and then blocks you from everything.  He didn't even call you by name.  Please stop thinking this guy was your Prince Charming because he wasn't.  We all have obsessed over someone who didn't feel the same way about us.  Unrequited love is very painful.  You have to accept the fact that you wouldn't have been that girl if you had done xy and z.  It was never going to be.  When you accept that fact, that there was nothing you could do, you'll be able to heal and move on.,

Edited July 2, 2020 by stillafool

[xoxobby_25]

17 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Stop blaming yourself.  None of the things you did, especially not having sexual experience or being popular back in HS, would turn a guy off if he were into you.  When guys love bomb you right away it's a big red flag used to get easy sex.  They know women are flattered if you praise their looks and tell you how much better you are than them.  This guy hit on your best friend.  Let that sink in for a minute.  Do you see how disrespectful that is?  He didn't give a hoot about your feelings he just went after what he wanted with no regard for you.   Like someone else said in this thread that guys who say they don't want a relationship will meet a girl and next thing you know they are head over heels for her and straighten up to be the best boyfriend.  This guy was hers.  The good news for you is there is a guy who is perfect for you still out there.  You are only 19 and have a lot of men to experience before you meet him.  Let this one go because you will never meet the one when you're holding on to someone else, especially someone who is only a fantasy.  You've got to stop thinking there was something between you and this guy.  If there were he would have at least remembered who you were instead of "Oh the Tinder girl" and then blocks you from everything.  He didn't even call you by name.  Please stop thinking this guy was your Prince Charming because he wasn't.  We all have obsessed over someone who didn't feel the same way about us.  Unrequited love is very painful.  You have to accept the fact that you wouldn't have been that girl if you had done xy and z.  It was never going to be.  When you accept that fact, that there was nothing you could do, you'll be able to heal and move on.,

Thank you for this it made me feel better. Everything was happening too soon with him, like i asked him when we started talking if he had any girls that were friends and he said "yea but you are the only girl i want to talk to" and showed me his snapchat on our first date to prove he wasn't talking to any. I don't know if i was a rebound because he said his last relationship before we met was 5 months ago and that he cheated on him (which when he told me the story it sounded like she just left him for someone else) and made it seem like he was a victim of love. He was really sus in the beginning but it must of worked because I liked him harddddd. My other friends think that he didn't know we were friends but I always posted about her (which he saw and liked) he would of obviously recognised her. She was also there the night we last kissed (it was the next day when he ghosted me and superliked her). I know there will be a good guy for me out there if I stop thinking that he's perfect and the possibility of having a good relationship is slim unless it is with him. I told him my name when he said who it was on the phone and he said "Oh the girl i met on tinder". It hurt because in a way he knew I was obssessing over him and i still had feelings for him, but wanted to prove to me further that he doesn't care. Overall, I know he was no good to me I was just jealous of the social media posts, heart reacting her friends posts with her in it, and spotify playlists he was doing for her and other things he did not want to do for me and like you said, just wanted to get in bed with me. I should of not let him lead me on after he told me he "wasn't ready for a relationship" and deal with constant hot and cold behaviour (mostly cold, idk why he was still talking to me for so long after that if it was clear he didn't want to see me) so I do blame myself on that part. I'm hopeful for the future  

Edited July 2, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[xoxobby_25]

I think I have ALSO mentioned this before but I have never been in a relationship. He’s had a few relationships and she was in serious relationship before she met him. 
 

more background info ~~~

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to stop comparing yourself to her, and start working more on how to cope with your obsessive thinking. 

You're only feeding into it right now by constantly fantasizing about how wonderful you believe they both are, and honestly, I don't think posting details about them here is helping you. I think it's making it worse. Instead, the focus should now be how to manage when you feel yourself obsessing again. What can you do when you sense those thoughts sneaking in? How are you going to re-direct your mind so you don't enable yourself in this fixation?

[Acacia98]

23 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Yes i have done that. Sick of seeing from both his friends and her friends about what a great guy he is and a great girl she is, and how "perfect" they are together.

It's great that you've done that. Friends can be unintentionally annoying in that way. 🙂

I assure you it gets better as time goes by. Especially if you're taking time to get counselling and address the vulnerabilities that made it easy for you to get into that situation in the first place. Focus on yourself and your healing. 

And rest assured he is not perfect. And neither is she. The thing about social media is it allows you to share the picture perfect moments with the world and to hide any bumps in the road. All you have to do is be super-selective about what pictures you put on there and what words you write.

To give you an example, I had a newlywed friend who kept on sharing pictures of her wonderful life with her hubby. It was only years later, after their divorce, that I learned their marriage was abusive. Now, I'm not saying this guy is abusive; he may very well be a good guy to her. It's just that you can't necessarily tell much from the stuff people share. So there's no point using it as a basis from which to judge yourself harshly.

Even if it turns out he's the perfect guy for this specific woman, the truth is he's not perfect for you. You have someone out there who will be a much better fit for you and who won't play the push-and-pull game this person was playing, and who will have better boundaries than he did in his interactions with you. As long as you spend this time healing and trying to understand yourself better, you have a high chance of recognizing the right guy when he does come along.