How to stop being so obsessed with him?

[xoxobby_25]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

It's great that you've done that. Friends can be unintentionally annoying in that way. 🙂

I assure you it gets better as time goes by. Especially if you're taking time to get counselling and address the vulnerabilities that made it easy for you to get into that situation in the first place. Focus on yourself and your healing. 

And rest assured he is not perfect. And neither is she. The thing about social media is it allows you to share the picture perfect moments with the world and to hide any bumps in the road. All you have to do is be super-selective about what pictures you put on there and what words you write.

To give you an example, I had a newlywed friend who kept on sharing pictures of her wonderful life with her hubby. It was only years later, after their divorce, that I learned their marriage was abusive. Now, I'm not saying this guy is abusive; he may very well be a good guy to her. It's just that you can't necessarily tell much from the stuff people share. So there's no point using it as a basis from which to judge yourself harshly.

Even if it turns out he's the perfect guy for this specific woman, the truth is he's not perfect for you. You have someone out there who will be a much better fit for you and who won't play the push-and-pull game this person was playing, and who will have better boundaries than he did in his interactions with you. As long as you spend this time healing and trying to understand yourself better, you have a high chance of recognizing the right guy when he does come along.

Thank you for this. But yea my last straw was last saturday night seeing a friend of her's post a cute boomerang of her on his lap on her ig story and captioning it "third wheeling with these two #favourites  ❤︎" and then one of her friends commented on that dp of them that he was "taken by yours truly", just biffle baffer social media s*** lol. The more i see this stuff the more my unrealistic expectations on him and the more self doubt thoughts come in.

As cliche as this sounds I'm focusing on myself and what's best for me. He may be attractive physically and have an attractive job and interests but i'd rather a guy who cares about me (as long as he's not a creep and has the basic s*** like a job, license, a decent social life e.t.c.) than someone who was playing me, and didn't care about the fact I was hurt. 

I know most of this obsession comes from self hatred and thinking i'm not good enough and hating myself for not ever being in a relationship and having the experience. I know to be in a relationship i need to focus on who I am as a person and not be influenced by the outside. That's what i'm working on currently with my therapist. 

Edited July 2, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[stillafool]

Sweetheart you are only 19 and have you whole life AHEAD of you.  It hasn't even started yet.  You are doing the right thing at your age by going to school to get educated.  Soon you will graduate and start a career.  You are preparing yourself for the man you will be with and guess what?  That guy is out there preparing himself for you too.  You have so much to look forward to, so much to see and experience.  I agree that you need to get off Loveshack discussing this guy.  Maybe get out in the sunshine and be with friends (if it's safe) and do something that is physically exhausting.  It will do wonders for you.  (((HUGS)))!  You are going to be okay.

[xoxobby_25]

Thank you, I’m no longer discussing information. I may post an update in a few months or so x 

I’m going to focus on the people that actually care about me and on my own life goals and not stress about never being in a proper relationship, or worrying about some guy who never called me by my name, disregarded my feelings, and chose to be with someone else and give them everything I never got. Slowly but surely good things will happen and this will be something I can laugh back on. 

Thank you everyone ❤️

[xoxobby_25]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

Sweetheart you are only 19 and have you whole life AHEAD of you.  It hasn't even started yet.  You are doing the right thing at your age by going to school to get educated.  Soon you will graduate and start a career.  You are preparing yourself for the man you will be with and guess what?  That guy is out there preparing himself for you too.  You have so much to look forward to, so much to see and experience.  I agree that you need to get off Loveshack discussing this guy.  Maybe get out in the sunshine and be with friends (if it's safe) and do something that is physically exhausting.  It will do wonders for you.  (((HUGS)))!  You are going to be okay.

Thank you, I’m no longer discussing information. I may post an update in a few months or so x 

I’m going to focus on the people that actually care about me and on my own life goals and not stress about never being in a proper relationship and having sexual experience, or worrying about some guy who never called me by my name, disregarded my feelings, and chose to be with someone else and give them everything I never got. Slowly but surely good things will happen and this will be something I can laugh back on. 

Thank you everyone ❤️

Edited July 2, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[xoxobby_25]

34 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Thank you, I’m no longer discussing information. I may post an update in a few months or so x 

I’m going to focus on the people that actually care about me and on my own life goals and not stress about never being in a proper relationship and having sexual experience, or worrying about some guy who never called me by my name, disregarded my feelings, and chose to be with someone else and give them everything I never got. Slowly but surely good things will happen and this will be something I can laugh back on. 

Thank you everyone ❤️

I’ve also come to the conclusion that he went through the talking stage with me and his current gf for the same amount of time (around 3 weeks) but chose his gf. I should of never fallen for his traps once he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship or believed he would be “ready eventually”. Because the end of the year he turned out to be ready just not with me.  

[Mystery4u]

1 hour ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I’ve also come to the conclusion that he went through the talking stage with me and his current gf for the same amount of time (around 3 weeks) but chose his gf. I should of never fallen for his traps once he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship or believed he would be “ready eventually”. Because the end of the year he turned out to be ready just not with me.  

Ok. Can you stop talking about him now and let this thread die?

You are wasting your time thinking about him/seeing his pictures/posting about him on here/talking about him because of the simple fact he does not give a **** about you. All this energy would be much better spent on someone who actually deserves it.

Move on.

[LynneVicious]

Unfortunately, “I’m not ready for a relationship” = “I’m not ready for a relationship... with you.”

Take this and learn from it. You also need to stop looking at his social media, her social media and any friends od theirs. Block them. Delete your accounts if need be. Out of sight Our of mind!

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I’ve also come to the conclusion that he went through the talking stage with me and his current gf for the same amount of time (around 3 weeks) but chose his gf. I should of never fallen for his traps once he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship or believed he would be “ready eventually”. Because the end of the year he turned out to be ready just not with me.  

The important lesson here is that when a guy tells you this, you cut contact. It almost never has a happy ending. 

It's simply your cue that they don't see you the same way, and are keeping their options open for someone else. 

 

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Thank you, I’m no longer discussing information. I may post an update in a few months or so x 

I'm glad you're done discussing him.  I hope when you give an update it' about you and another guy.  Nothing about this one.

[xoxobby_25]

On 7/3/2020 at 4:43 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

The important lesson here is that when a guy tells you this, you cut contact. It almost never has a happy ending. 

It's simply your cue that they don't see you the same way, and are keeping their options open for someone else. 

 

This is a general question

But if someone tells you this, why would they continue to talk/message you? I just want to know the signs for next time so I don't fall this trap again.

Edited July 4, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

But if someone tells you this, why would they continue to talk/message you? I just want to know the signs for next time so I don't fall this trap again.

To fill time until they meet the girl they do want to date. It sucks, but it's very common. 

The only sign you need to watch out for is the one thig guy gave you, in telling you he wasn't ready for a relationship. That's all you need to know to carry on and not communicate with him anymore. 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

This is a general question

But if someone tells you this, why would they continue to talk/message you? I just want to know the signs for next time so I don't fall this trap again.

Because men need sex and until the right girl comes along they will have it with who is available to them.  They tell you up front they aren't looking for a relationship so you can't blame them after sex for moving on.  They don't want you to get the idea that just because they had sex with you that they want you to be their girlfriend.  They don't.

[xoxobby_25]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Because men need sex and until the right girl comes along they will have it with who is available to them.  They tell you up front they aren't looking for a relationship so you can't blame them after sex for moving on.  They don't want you to get the idea that just because they had sex with you that they want you to be their girlfriend.  They don't.

Lucky I didn’t lose my v card to him then.thank you :)

[xoxobby_25]

Hi...

I didn’t want to update on this thread again, like someone had mentioned I truly wanted to “let it die”. The next update I wanted (and I knew you guys would of wanted) was to do with a different guy. But I got myself in an incident over the weekend which I need some advice to get over, especially because my therapy appointment is another week away. I am truly regretful and disgusted by what I have done and I think it had opened my eyes a little bit.

I had checked my blocked list over the weekend on Instagram. I had seen that the couple had updated their profile pictures of them at this Mexican restaurant, he’s wearing a sombrero and once again smiling like a madman like I’ve never seen him before both in real life and socials. I just got even more jealous of their relationship. Jealous that he had two super cute photos (the other one is the one on Facebook I mentioned) on his social media, plus her initials in lowercase with a rose emoji next to it as his bio. As I’ve never seen any guy dedicate their social media so much to their gf, and delete/stop liking all their ig “hoes”. And seeing them be the cutest couple in photos with friends (E.g. the Polaroid photo where they are the only couple cuddling each other and sharing a blanket, the friend only tagged his gf and the couple despite other people being in the image). 

I don’t know what was in my mind both Sunday and Monday. I thought I was moving on but my emotions got the better of me. I had snapchatted him on an anonymous account telling him how I wished I was his gf, how their relationship is perfect, and how no other guy seems to do what he does (based on social media). He found out who I was and told me to leave him alone which I definitely expected so idk why I did that, like I said I was in the worst state of mind. The next day I even did something worse (this DISGUSTS me so much I feel sick even talking about it), sent him a picture on another anonymous account of my face cropped on his insta dp pic of him with his gf. And then I deleted it immediately once he had seen it. His gf messaged the account “whose this?”. I just deleted the account as soon as I could. I also sent earlier to his gf on the account that he’s mine or some s*** like that but I deleted it I don’t think she saw it. But either way I am disgusted and VERY regretful. I am very surprised he didn’t call cops on me at that point.

Anyway I basically got my “payback”. I have a few viral Tiktoks. One is about a tweet with guys of his name “not being very attractive and very nice”. One of her super pretty friends, who had a lot of social media following commented “*his name, a guy in a loving and committed relationship which you are embarrassing yourself trying to break up, lol give it a rest”. Then commented on another tiktok of me comparing myself to her based on pictures from each other’s Pinterest (these are implicit no names had been mentioned, I had blocked them so they wouldn’t see them as was planning to delete them until they got fairly viral on FYP). She had commented “you should stop comparing yourself to another amazing woman, move on sis he don’t want you”. She then blocked me on Instagram, I’m assuming so I don’t message her back. When I saw these comments I felt like ending it all. It’s like all my thoughts and evidence about them being the “perfect couple” had been confirmed and I was just some loser hating from the background. I had never tried to break them up, like I said I was so jealous I just did VERY bizarre behaviours. I had deleted the comment so quickly (and disabled my tiktok account) that I’m not even sure if tons of her friends had liked it, it could of been the most liked comment on my account for all I know due to how big of a support system the couple both seem to have. Someone had also messaged me to “kys” on Instagram the next day due to my tiktoks but I am unsure if it had anything to do with the couple. 

I had an immense mental breakdown, my parents took my phone off for 24 hours. I knew that was coming and I probably deserved it to some extent. My mental health is deteriorating and I hate to say I’m at the darkest point in my life. 2020 is the worst year of my life that goes beyond COVID. My Mum immediately messaged my therapist and I’m hoping to get a crash appointment to deal with the trauma of my own pathetic actions. I know what I have been doing is not a reflection of me. I have been getting help but it’s like my thoughts self doubt my progress “you’ll never be happy” “there’s no point of trying to get better” “at the end of the day that girl is better than you just give it up, you will never get something as good”. It’s terrible and myself and everyone around me is heavily convinced I have OCD. 

Like I said I hate to update like this, it’s so pathetic and I well and truly hope this is the last update, I’m going to really work on self help as I can’t change the past. I regret all my actions and I have not looked at the couple and blocked the friend. It opened my eyes in the sense I don’t even want to see their faces in anything. My emotions got the better of me. 

 

Edited July 16, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[Realitysux]

We've all been there. I've been there too my friend and I'm slowly pulling myself out of it. I had so much contact and read so much about him that my mind was in over drive. I text his phone non stop just asking him to end his game so I don't accidentally run into someone and get pulled back into this torture that is obsession. I tried my best to keep some parts of myself private so I can walk away feeling less violated. My situation was a fed obsession. 

I took myself out for a quick bite and on my way home, I ran into this guy who owns the bar. He could tell something was wrong and wondered why I wasn't at work. I told him about this guy and he said block him, delete him. I said he moved on and he's so happy though and I have to pick up all the pieces. The sweet heart grabbed my hands and said good. He met someone and that's good. It's hard to find a good man and it's hard to find a good women and he needs to move on too. 

He said go do something you like and find someone who likes that to. Let the guy go and be happy he found a good women. 

He said more but he was right. 

It makes sense right! 

Edited July 16, 2020 by Realitysux

[xoxobby_25]

8 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

We've all been there. I've been there too my friend and I'm slowly pulling myself out of it. I had so much contact and read so much about him that my mind was in over drive. I text his phone non stop just asking him to end his game so I don't accidentally run into someone and get pulled back into this torture that is obsession. I tried my best to keep some parts of myself private so I can walk away feeling less violated. My situation was a fed obsession. 

I took myself out for a quick bite and on my way home, I ran into this guy who owns the bar. He could tell something was wrong and wondered why I wasn't at work. I told him about this guy and he said block him, delete him. I said he moved on and he's so happy though and I have to pick up all the pieces. The sweet heart grabbed my hands and said good. He met someone and that's good. It's hard to find a good man and it's hard to find a good women and he needs to move on too. 

He said go do something you like and find someone who likes that to. Let the guy go and be happy he found a good women. 

He said more but he was right. 

It makes sense right! 

This sounds lovely! One thing I had struggled was being happy for him just because he had “hurt me” and it also angered me to see all her friends everyone stand up for him as he’s obviously showing his best side to her whilst I got the worst of him (according to a mutual they disliked her ex bf but adore this guy). But I hope I can get to this peace and content in my life that everything is meant to be as it is. I’m just really focusing on myself at this point.

[Realitysux]

9 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

This sounds lovely! One thing I had struggled was being happy for him just because he had “hurt me” and it also angered me to see all her friends everyone stand up for him as he’s obviously showing his best side to her whilst I got the worst of him (according to a mutual they disliked her ex bf but adore this guy). But I hope I can get to this peace and content in my life that everything is meant to be as it is. I’m just really focusing on myself at this point.

 

9 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

This sounds lovely! One thing I had struggled was being happy for him just because he had “hurt me” and it also angered me to see all her friends everyone stand up for him as he’s obviously showing his best side to her whilst I got the worst of him (according to a mutual they disliked her ex bf but adore this guy). But I hope I can get to this peace and content in my life that everything is meant to be as it is. I’m just really focusing on myself at this point.

He could very well be a nice guy. They may even agree with him. His girlfriend could spend her entire day waiting to get home at night and naked with the man. It's a rough thought? It's not when you think those two alone in their room are two people out if a world full of billions. He got to pick one person and he picked her. Oh well and big deal. That's one search over and you and a ton of people are still searching. He ended it with you and left you alone, where mine was fed for a long time. You have to wish that man well. Even when people hurt you, you can still help them. It takes a stronger person to forgive! 

Edited July 16, 2020 by Realitysux

[ExpatInItaly]

Please continue to turn to your parents for help, OP. They appear to be very worried about you and are trying to protect you from yourself before you get in trouble with the police. What you are are doing is bordering on harassment, so your family is right to be concerned. You do not want the police showing up at your door with a cease and desist order. 

This is also an indication of deeper mental health issues that need to be addressed. It’s not really even about this specific couple. Your fixation  on them and resulting emotional disregulation  are symptoms of other underlying troubles. Please be open with your family about what you’re feeling. They’re in the best position to help you. 

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Please continue to turn to your parents for help, OP. They appear to be very worried about you and are trying to protect you from yourself before you get in trouble with the police. What you are are doing is bordering on harassment, so your family is right to be concerned. You do not want the police showing up at your door with a cease and desist order. 

This is also an indication of deeper mental health issues that need to be addressed. It’s not really even about this specific couple. Your fixation  on them and resulting emotional disregulation  are symptoms of other underlying troubles. Please be open with your family about what you’re feeling. They’re in the best position to help you. 

Please don't say that. This poor women can post here with open arms. It's a forum for everyone! 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Realitysux said:

Please don't say that. This poor women can post here with open arms. It's a forum for everyone! 

I didn’t suggest that she not post here.

 

[Realitysux]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I didn’t suggest that she not post here.

 

I love your posts and was not insinuating you did something wrong. I've been a victim of negative on this site and just want to make sure we all feel welcome. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP is clearly struggling and needs the sort of guidance and support that internet strangers cannot effectively offer. Suggesting she continue to turn to her family is, I feel, quite in line with the level of distress she is expressing. 

She needs to stop before she lands herself in legal trouble. 

Edited July 16, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[xoxobby_25]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Please continue to turn to your parents for help, OP. They appear to be very worried about you and are trying to protect you from yourself before you get in trouble with the police. What you are are doing is bordering on harassment, so your family is right to be concerned. You do not want the police showing up at your door with a cease and desist order. 

This is also an indication of deeper mental health issues that need to be addressed. It’s not really even about this specific couple. Your fixation  on them and resulting emotional disregulation  are symptoms of other underlying troubles. Please be open with your family about what you’re feeling. They’re in the best position to help you. 

My parents are pretty frustrated in me talking about this issue. As I keep talking about it over and over again. Because in my mind I don’t believe that they understand, the way I think is so different from everyone else. Why I have also resorted to forums along with therapy. I have had “obsessions” in the past (not as mentally deteriorating as this and although they gave me emotional distress I never acted upon them like this one). In my deluded mind, I think if them or if anyone saw what I saw they’d have these thoughts too. That him basically wanting nothing to do with me (prior to obsession) was because I was simply “unlucky” and I don’t deserve a relationship similar to theirs. 

I am also so paranoid. I had to go back on tiktok to check if someone wasn’t trying to attack me despite making my tiktoks private. I had to check their following (including the friend) to ensure there isn’t anyone using my tiktoks to mock. But like I said I instigated the verbal attack so I should probably stop victimising myself.  

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

My parents are pretty frustrated in me talking about this issue. As I keep talking about it over and over again. Because in my mind I don’t believe that they understand, the way I think is so different from everyone else. Why I have also resorted to forums along with therapy. I have had “obsessions” in the past (not as mentally deteriorating as this and although they gave me emotional distress I never acted upon them like this one). In my deluded mind, I think if them or if anyone saw what I saw they’d have these thoughts too. That him basically wanting nothing to do with me (prior to obsession) was because I was simply “unlucky” and I don’t deserve a relationship similar to theirs. 

I am also so paranoid. I had to go back on tiktok to check if someone wasn’t trying to attack me despite making my tiktoks private. I had to check their following (including the friend) to ensure there isn’t anyone using my tiktoks to mock. But like I said I instigated the verbal attack so I should probably stop victimising myself.  

I don't see myself as a victim and I don't hate the guy I was obsessed with. The obsession made me suffer tremendously in my life and he didn't allow me what I needed to get over it. He didn't suffer so I didn't feel the need to take his feelings into consideration. 

[xoxobby_25]

7 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I don't see myself as a victim and I don't hate the guy I was obsessed with. The obsession made me suffer tremendously in my life and he didn't allow me what I needed to get over it. He didn't suffer so I didn't feel the need to take his feelings into consideration. 

I don’t hate him. I hate the things he did though. Regardless if I had done what I had done, I took his feelings in consideration always. In fact I probably cared about his more than my own which is what I tend to do with anyone I seem to care about. I always felt guilt for what I did. I knew what I’m doing is not a reflection of myself yet my twisted mind. I placed all my insecurities on him, his girl, and their relationship. I hate how I made him see me in this way.  

Edited July 16, 2020 by xoxobby_25