Ask adult children to assist resolving relationship problems

[Wondering3]

Thanks, yes, that's the thing. When we "click" it's wonderful. But it's like a see-saw. After a big argument we make up and everything is perfect and I love and adore her. And then slowly slowly over a few weeks the closeness wanes and then it just needs a few little tension sparks to lead to another eruption which brings up all those old issues.

Certainly not a healthy way to deal with it.

I do believe that we need to talk more, in particular at those times when we are fine. We have to use that time to really look at the issues. But it's like walking on egg shells. I don't want to risk ruining the good time by opening any old wounds.

That's why I think that maybe some communication workshops or something like that would be useful.

[Crazelnut]

Please do not drag your children into this. That's so unfair to them. 

[stillafool]

I agree.  It's time to grow up.

[elaine567]

On 5/31/2020 at 1:50 AM, Wondering3 said:

. After a big argument we make up and everything is perfect and I love and adore her. And then slowly slowly over a few weeks the closeness wanes and then it just needs a few little tension sparks to lead to another eruption which brings up all those old issues.

Is sex involved?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/30/2020 at 9:44 AM, Wondering3 said:

When we went to relationship counseling once the counselor made a comment that insecurities are sometimes related to family history. She found that suggestion deeply offensive and refused to see the counselor again.

It seems the counselor hit a nerve and was onto something, but her resistance to face that truth overwhelmed her. She must have difficulty admitting her role/fault in things for fear it would make her "bad" or "unlovable." But where does that leave you and your marriage? I don't believe it fair that you should be the one to let go of things 100% of the time as doing so can diminish your own mental health. Tough spot trying to reason with someone who is unreasonable.

 

Edited to add: Please leave your kids out of this. They are not neutral. No good can come of putting them in the middle.

Edited June 2, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[basil67]

On 5/31/2020 at 10:28 AM, Wondering3 said:

I accept that I also have to work on my own behaviour. I find it quite difficult to invest in this relationship (going to individual counseling, daily small efforts to connect with her such as suggesting common meals or walks or sport activities, etc) when I have the feeling that this is all a one-sided fruitless effort and will not resolve her underlying mistrust.

Hmmm...I'm wondering if 'mental load' is a problem for her

You see suggesting common meals or activities as a way to connect.  I would argue that these things are simply what any person should do when holding up their end of the relationship.  These are the basics of being a partner.

Edited June 2, 2020 by basil67

[Wondering3]

Sorry for not responding earlier.

I see that the overwhelming opinion is to not get the children involved. And I do understand. It is our issue and not theirs. And there is a real risk that they get dragged into taking sides and therefore affecting our relationship with them.

elaine567: Yes, our sex life is fine. Although in 99% of the times I initiate it, and she is also not keen to try new things (but the latter may be a common male/female difference? I don't know.) I do believe her that she enjoys our sex, but it still irks me that I always have to do the first step. If she really enjoys it, why does she not come to me looking for intimacy and sex? If at least 10% of the times she would start... But maybe it has something to do with her insecurity, as well.... 

HadMeOverABarrel: "unlovable": Interesting that you mention that. Many years ago during a fight I also told her that her aggression does not help and that her attacking me makes her less lovable. But she perceived that as me saying that she is not lovable and since then frequently accuses me that I don't find her lovable. I tried many times to explain that I was referring to her behavior pattern, and not to her as a person. But she can't or doesn't want to understand.

basil67: Yes, I also think these common activities should be normal. The way this usually works out is that after me asking for several times she often accepts (for example common meals). And we do it for a while and both enjoy it. But then as soon as I lapse to initiate it she will also drop it. That always makes me feel as if I have to constantly hold this whole relationship together, and if I would let go it will just fall apart.

But on the plus side: After posting on this forum and receiving your feedback I have over the last few days tried to shift the focus to the way HOW we communicate, rather than about the content of the communication. So instead of immediately going down the rabbit hole of accusation and defense and counter-accusation I just simply told her whenever I felt that she was attacking me. And it made it clear that she was not even aware that she is attacking me. And that realization seems to be helping us. It's the 101 of good communication skills. So it is kind of obvious, but nevertheless it's not easy to sidestep those ingrained patterns that evolved over the decades.

There is still a very very long way to go, but at least the first steps are in the right direction...

Thanks again for all your comments and suggestions.