Friend always late to meeting and being disrespectful about it

[ladybug2021]

I have a friend who is always late when we arrange to meet. She used to be like this many years ago and I didn't like it (or any of our other friends) but I used to tolerate it because "it's just the way she is".

I went to live abroad for several years but we kept in touch and now that I'm back in my country we reconnected and started meeting up again.

And, she is still like that. The way she acts is like we agree to meet at a specific place and time and she does not give a s*** to the agreed time. She just does her thing and appears when she wants.

To me today it was the last straw because of the disrespectful way she acted.

We agreed to meet at the beach at 10am and at 10am I was there. She sends me a text at that time asking where am I, and I said I'm at the beach because it's 10am and that's what we agreed. She says she is still at home (she lives about 30 minutes from the beach) and will leave soon... I told her I am going to stay there for a swim but will have to leave at 11am. She asked if it's still ok for her to go if she arrives before 11am and I said ok.

Then at 10:50am she sends a message saying she is like 15 minutes away and almost arriving... I told her I have to leave at 11am as I said before, so I won't be waiting for her. Maybe it's better if we meet another day when she can be on time like agreed.

I also asked her why she didn't text me before 10am to say she was going to be late, to which she said she was busy doing some stuff in the house that she had to do...

She then asked me not to be mad at her, like I'm overreacting and being silly. I told her I'm not gonna comment anything anymore and goodbye.

This type of behaviour is so far off the way I deal with friends (and people in general), and I just find it soooo disrespectful. It's like she doesn't give a s*** and expects (or feels entitled to) people waiting for her, like a princess.

I am the type who am there at the place and time agreed, and if I can't for any reason, I call the person BEFORE the agreed time to let them know. 

I run my own business and have a child, so I also have LOTS to do, but if I agreed in meeting someone, I'll make that a priority, otherwise I'll not agree to meet.

There's a saying that we teach people how we want to be treated, and I'm done with her. It's like it's only her life that matters.

Am I overreacting or not really? I'm really pis*** off with her behaviour and considering ending the friendship.

Edited May 30, 2020 by ladybug2021

[elaine567]

Why bother being there and then get annoyed when she doesn't show.up on time.
Best you show up at 10:30 or even 10:45, 11:00.
You know she is not going to be there at 10, so put her in your diary for the later time:
You don't waste time waiting for her and if she is early she can wait for you.
Also maybe not put yourself under pressure by having to be somewhere else.
That way if she is late then who cares?
Why did you only give her an hour?  That doesn't seem very friendly to me?

[ladybug2021]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why bother being there and then get annoyed when she doesn't show.up on time.
Best you show up at 10:30 or even 10:45, 11:00.
You know she is not going to be there at 10, so put her in your diary for the later time:
You don't waste time waiting for her and if she is early she can wait for you.
Also maybe not put yourself under pressure by having to be somewhere else.
That way if she is late then who cares?
Why did you only give her an hour?  That doesn't seem very friendly to me?

I don't think I explained myself well.

She does this all the time. I'm not going to be there at 10:30am because we agreed at 10am, simple. I don't have to get there at another random time just because she is the way she is.

I only had 1h to be at the beach because I've had to go and pick up my daughter from her dad's, and she knew that. I also don't think I have to free my whole day just to wait for the princess that arrives whenever she likes.

I didn't "give her an hour", we agreed to meet at 10am. That's simple to understand.

Edited May 30, 2020 by ladybug2021

[elaine567]

Just now, ladybug2021 said:

didn't "give her an hour", we agreed to meet at 10am.

But you needed to be somewhere else by 11:00

[ladybug2021]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But you needed to be somewhere else by 11:00

So what? She already knew that before hand. If she was there at 10am like agreed, we would have had an entire hour together.

Edited May 30, 2020 by ladybug2021

[preraph]

Stop meeting her.  I have a friend like that (had) and she would try to get me to drive 60 miles to meet her when I lived with her long enough to know she'd never be there.  I just started telling her no.  

[d0nnivain]

I have 2 friends like that.  If you want to keep the friendship you have to accept that it's unlikely to change.  Thus except for going to their houses I never make one on one plans with them.  I invite them to group things where my ability to socialize is not depending on their timing.  I do drive one of them to book club every Monday (well at least I used to when we could go out).  Anyway the 1st rule for the ride was be on time.  If she wasn't there on time, I left.  After I stranded her a few times she showed up on time.  Still her timing or lack thereof had no bearing on whether I had fun.  

You need to emotionally & socially distance yourself from her tardiness.  When your fun is not longer dependent on her schedule it will no longer matter & you won't upset because you are no longer invested.  

Otherwise just dump her & don't look back.  

[ladybug2021]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I have 2 friends like that.  If you want to keep the friendship you have to accept that it's unlikely to change.  Thus except for going to their houses I never make one on one plans with them.  I invite them to group things where my ability to socialize is not depending on their timing.  I do drive one of them to book club every Monday (well at least I used to when we could go out).  Anyway the 1st rule for the ride was be on time.  If she wasn't there on time, I left.  After I stranded her a few times she showed up on time.  Still her timing or lack thereof had no bearing on whether I had fun.  

You need to emotionally & socially distance yourself from her tardiness.  When your fun is not longer dependent on her schedule it will no longer matter & you won't upset because you are no longer invested.  

Otherwise just dump her & don't look back.  

I am not emotionally & socially attached to her tardiness. For example today we agreed to meet at the beach and for the whole hour I was there I was supposed to be with her and was on my own but I still had fun alone. I went for a swim, got some sunshine, was lovely.

What makes me pis** off is the energy sucking she does all the way until she arrives. She will call you hundreds of times to say she has left the house, then to say she is on her way every 5 minutes, then to say she is lost and I need to help her, then she can't park the car, etc, etc. This is exhausting! 

Anyway, I am done with her. We had a call just minutes ago and she was minimizing everything, saying I am overreacting, that it wasn't that bad, that she had things to do, that we need to stop talking about this, etc. She even laugh at me on the phone for feeling this way.

I wished her a good life and deleted her.

Edited May 30, 2020 by ladybug2021

[d0nnivain]

Ok.  You are done.  You are now free to be out from under. 

[Malin889]

5 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

I have a friend who is always late when we arrange to meet. She used to be like this many years ago and I didn't like it (or any of our other friends) but I used to tolerate it because "it's just the way she is".

I went to live abroad for several years but we kept in touch and now that I'm back in my country we reconnected and started meeting up again.

And, she is still like that. The way she acts is like we agree to meet at a specific place and time and she does not give a s*** to the agreed time. She just does her thing and appears when she wants.

To me today it was the last straw because of the disrespectful way she acted.

We agreed to meet at the beach at 10am and at 10am I was there. She sends me a text at that time asking where am I, and I said I'm at the beach because it's 10am and that's what we agreed. She says she is still at home (she lives about 30 minutes from the beach) and will leave soon... I told her I am going to stay there for a swim but will have to leave at 11am. She asked if it's still ok for her to go if she arrives before 11am and I said ok.

Then at 10:50am she sends a message saying she is like 15 minutes away and almost arriving... I told her I have to leave at 11am as I said before, so I won't be waiting for her. Maybe it's better if we meet another day when she can be on time like agreed.

I also asked her why she didn't text me before 10am to say she was going to be late, to which she said she was busy doing some stuff in the house that she had to do...

She then asked me not to be mad at her, like I'm overreacting and being silly. I told her I'm not gonna comment anything anymore and goodbye.

This type of behaviour is so far off the way I deal with friends (and people in general), and I just find it soooo disrespectful. It's like she doesn't give a s*** and expects (or feels entitled to) people waiting for her, like a princess.

I am the type who am there at the place and time agreed, and if I can't for any reason, I call the person BEFORE the agreed time to let them know. 

I run my own business and have a child, so I also have LOTS to do, but if I agreed in meeting someone, I'll make that a priority, otherwise I'll not agree to meet.

There's a saying that we teach people how we want to be treated, and I'm done with her. It's like it's only her life that matters.

Am I overreacting or not really? I'm really pis*** off with her behaviour and considering ending the friendship.

I do agree it gets very annoying when someone is late all the time. Especially that late. It's one thing being 10-15 minutes late but another thing being an hour late. However, why were you only planning on staying at the beach for an hour? When I plan to go to the beach, it's a whole day event. Staying at the beach for an hour doesn't seem very friendly to me, doesn't seem like you have enough time to do anything. Also, you know she's going to be late, so why only plan an event that's only going to last an hour? 

[Malin889]

4 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

What makes me pis** off is the energy sucking she does all the way until she arrives. She will call you hundreds of times to say she has left the house, then to say she is on her way every 5 minutes, then to say she is lost and I need to help her, then she can't park the car, etc, etc. This is exhausting! 

I have a friend like her (who is a lot better now actually) and used to have another friend like her (who I stopped talking to), and yes it was exhausting. They have a bunch of excuses why they're late, they're lost, they can't find the place, etc etc. It can be very exhausting. 

[ladybug2021]

12 hours ago, Malin889 said:

I do agree it gets very annoying when someone is late all the time. Especially that late. It's one thing being 10-15 minutes late but another thing being an hour late. However, why were you only planning on staying at the beach for an hour? When I plan to go to the beach, it's a whole day event. Staying at the beach for an hour doesn't seem very friendly to me, doesn't seem like you have enough time to do anything. Also, you know she's going to be late, so why only plan an event that's only going to last an hour? 

Because I am a mom and I have to pick up my daughter from her dad's.

I told my friend this beforehand, she knew it and still wanted to meet me at the beach for an hour. 

[ladybug2021]

12 hours ago, Malin889 said:

I have a friend like her (who is a lot better now actually) and used to have another friend like her (who I stopped talking to), and yes it was exhausting. They have a bunch of excuses why they're late, they're lost, they can't find the place, etc etc. It can be very exhausting. 

It is very exhausting. She sucks the life out of me with all that dynamic. It should be as easy as both being at the place agreed and the time agreed, but she turns everything into a disrespectful circus waiting for you to accept it every single time. She comes across very entitled to say the least. 

I'm out.

[snowcones]

Ugh... I could have written this post.  I have several friends like this too.  It's disrespectful and I have no answers. 

[MsJayne]

No, you're not over-reacting, lateness is never acceptable without a good reason. The message late people are sending is that their time is more valuable than yours and you're at their disposal, made much worse when they try to make out that you're over-reacting to their rudeness if you mention it. The other message they're sending is that they're a self-absorbed twit, and so, the best way to handle these people is do it back to them. Just once is usually enough. When I was young I had a friend who I used to pick up for work on my way past each day. She was running late every morning, and I would sit outside in my car waiting for 5 - 10 minutes which made me late for work every day.  I put up with this for about two weeks, and then one day I rocked up to hers, tooted my horn, waited one minute, and then drove off with out her.  She lost a days pay because of that, and the shock of having someone actually treat her with the same disregard that she treated other people seemed to have an impact on her. From that day on she was ready on time or she lost a days work.  Habitual lateness is not a cute, quirky personality trait, it's an indicator that the person is ill-mannered and no one has ever given them the blast they need. 

[ladybug2021]

7 hours ago, MsJayne said:

No, you're not over-reacting, lateness is never acceptable without a good reason. The message late people are sending is that their time is more valuable than yours and you're at their disposal, made much worse when they try to make out that you're over-reacting to their rudeness if you mention it. The other message they're sending is that they're a self-absorbed twit, and so, the best way to handle these people is do it back to them. Just once is usually enough. When I was young I had a friend who I used to pick up for work on my way past each day. She was running late every morning, and I would sit outside in my car waiting for 5 - 10 minutes which made me late for work every day.  I put up with this for about two weeks, and then one day I rocked up to hers, tooted my horn, waited one minute, and then drove off with out her.  She lost a days pay because of that, and the shock of having someone actually treat her with the same disregard that she treated other people seemed to have an impact on her. From that day on she was ready on time or she lost a days work.  Habitual lateness is not a cute, quirky personality trait, it's an indicator that the person is ill-mannered and no one has ever given them the blast they need. 

I agree with you, but I also think that these people that arrive late and don't care, shouldn't even need to have someone to do the same to them to see how it feels.

Having respect to others and arrive on time is something they should have learned in their teenage years as basic consideration and respect for others.

People who haven't learned this is a major red flag to me. It seems there's a social dysfunction in there, and possibly some narcissistic traits too. Not giving a sh** to someone waiting for you, over and over again, is not normal behaviour of a mature person. And this friend of mine is in their 50's! So is no kid.

Even if I done that to her,  in this case she wouldn't learn because she doesn't only do that to me, she does it to EVERYONE. It's her lifestyle basically.

But I've noticed that there is some "silence agreement" amongst her group of friends to treat each other disrespectfully and enable each other. In her birthday party 2 months ago, her best friend didn't show up to the party and didn't care to say why or call her. She simply didn't care to go. My friend was hurt and disappointed, but she didn't confront her friend. She simply ignored it and acted like all is well.

So I think she was expecting me to act the same with her tardiness and complete disregard to me. That I would ignore how I feel and enable it.

By addressing it and confronting her I was the one in the wrong! I was the inconvenient one, and the one overreacting. 

I'm sorry but I don't want to be part of this toxic dynamic. In the past I did because I used to have low self-esteem and would even start to believe I am overreacting and they are right.

But now I'm at a point in my life where I do not tolerate disrespect from others simply because I do respect myself and others and treat them well. I deserve the same back.

So she's out of my life and it's up to others to wait endlessly for her and have their energy sucked.

 

Edited June 1, 2020 by ladybug2021

[schlumpy]

I understand what you are saying. I also view people are who chronically late as disrespect. Then again, they may view my need to be on time as controlling and inflexible. Those are not characteristics I would like to be on display.

Over many years I've learned to be tolerant of friends who don't clock watch. I've employed strategies as have been suggested like see you at 10:30 am when I really mean 11am. I have come to the conclusion that it has something to do with the wiring in our brains and what is very easy for me is very hard for them.

If over the years I allowed my emotional brain to make the decision, I would have cut lose from all these people but then I would have missed out on many moments when I was very pleased to be in their company. Being humorous about it has helped me a lot.

I only have one real question about this and that is - why did God force me to marry one of them?

 

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

In the past I did because I used to have low self-esteem and would even start to believe I am overreacting and they are right. But now I'm at a point in my life where I do not tolerate disrespect from others simply because I do respect myself and others and treat them well. I deserve the same back.

Your demand to be respected is part of your battle against low self-esteem, and you consider her tardiness to be a personal affront. Of course you have the right to cut her out of your life, but what you should realize is that this reaction is mostly about how you feel about yourself. Different cultures around the world have varied attitudes about punctuality, as do different individuals and personality types. She probably doesn't mean to disrespect you––the meaning is what you ascribe. I think it's interesting that you assume that your preference and how you feel to be correct and universal, and as such anyone not conforming is doing you wrong.

In the US and many Western European countries (e.g. Germany) we interpret a specified time quite literally, on a linear scale. Ten minutes is considered late some places, but on time in others. Context usually determines how much latitude is given. Latin cultures, Middle Eastern, African, India, and China use a more flexible scale. Sometimes an extremely flexible scale.

In the movie "The Guest" there is a young African couple who have come to the US, and the woman tries to get her husband to adopt the US standard for punctuality, but he continues to show up an hour or so late and doesn't consider it a big deal. She tells him to be home for dinner at 6:00––and that's US time, not African time. He turns away and smiles, feeling she's obsessive, and knowing he intends to stay on flex time.

So in your situation with your former friend, yes, she's terribly late by your time standard, but the conclusion that she's an awful person because of it is all yours. The reality is that it's probably not about you at all, no disrespect intended. The assumption that external events are all about us is a cognitive bias. The strong reaction is related to your defense mechanisms. Labeling her as toxic, well, I'd say that's taking it a bit far. She's not punctual and refuses to accept your strict standard, but that doesn't equate to bad person.

Edited June 1, 2020 by salparadise

[ladybug2021]

2 hours ago, salparadise said:

Your demand to be respected is part of your battle against low self-esteem, and you consider her tardiness to be a personal affront. Of course you have the right to cut her out of your life, but what you should realize is that this reaction is mostly about how you feel about yourself. Different cultures around the world have varied attitudes about punctuality, as do different individuals and personality types. She probably doesn't mean to disrespect you––the meaning is what you ascribe. I think it's interesting that you assume that your preference and how you feel to be correct and universal, and as such anyone not conforming is doing you wrong.

In the US and many Western European countries (e.g. Germany) we interpret a specified time quite literally, on a linear scale. Ten minutes is considered late some places, but on time in others. Context usually determines how much latitude is given. Latin cultures, Middle Eastern, African, India, and China use a more flexible scale. Sometimes an extremely flexible scale.

In the movie "The Guest" there is a young African couple who have come to the US, and the woman tries to get her husband to adopt the US standard for punctuality, but he continues to show up an hour or so late and doesn't consider it a big deal. She tells him to be home for dinner at 6:00––and that's US time, not African time. He turns away and smiles, feeling she's obsessive, and knowing he intends to stay on flex time.

So in your situation with your former friend, yes, she's terribly late by your time standard, but the conclusion that she's an awful person because of it is all yours. The reality is that it's probably not about you at all, no disrespect intended. The assumption that external events are all about us is a cognitive bias. The strong reaction is related to your defense mechanisms. Labeling her as toxic, well, I'd say that's taking it a bit far. She's not punctual and refuses to accept your strict standard, but that doesn't equate to bad person.

No you're wrong. I am not in any battle against low self-esteem. I have a very good self-esteem now and I have boundaries. And yes her tardiness and her entitled reaction to it was crossing my boundaries.

What to me was really the last straw was not her lateness but how she reacted to me saying I didn't like it: laughing at me, bellitling me, saying I'm overreacting and such.

This is not about punctuality. It's about her not giving a s*** to people with whom she agreed something, EVERY SINGLE TIME.

So no she is not an awful person because she's terribly late, she's an awful person because of her sense of entitlement and disrespect to how she treats others who are waiting for her. And she arrives 1 or 2 hours late most times and expects others to wait.

I don't have a strict standard, I have self-respect.

Edited June 1, 2020 by ladybug2021

[ladybug2021]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I understand what you are saying. I also view people are who chronically late as disrespect. Then again, they may view my need to be on time as controlling and inflexible. Those are not characteristics I would like to be on display.

Over many years I've learned to be tolerant of friends who don't clock watch. I've employed strategies as have been suggested like see you at 10:30 am when I really mean 11am. I have come to the conclusion that it has something to do with the wiring in our brains and what is very easy for me is very hard for them.

If over the years I allowed my emotional brain to make the decision, I would have cut lose from all these people but then I would have missed out on many moments when I was very pleased to be in their company. Being humorous about it has helped me a lot.

I only have one real question about this and that is - why did God force me to marry one of them?

 

I prefer to have great moments with healthy people who treat others with respect, or otherwise I'll have great moments with myself. Simple.

She is the one controlling and inflexible, not me. By not being there on time and expecting people to wait an hour or longer for her to arrive EVERY SINGLE TIME, she is the one being controlling and inflexible.

I am not humorous about people who disrespect me. 

[schlumpy]

14 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

She is the one controlling and inflexible, not me. By not being there on time and expecting people to wait an hour or longer for her to arrive EVERY SINGLE TIME, she is the one being controlling and inflexible.

I am not humorous about people who disrespect me. 

If you insist. I was only trying to open up a wider perspective. My experience has been that people who disrespect you do it across a broad spectrum and not only within a narrow focus like being late all the time but since you are adamant then we will go with your personal version.

Your only recourse is to dump her as a friend. 

 

 

 

[ladybug2021]

9 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

If you insist. I was only trying to open up a wider perspective. My experience has been that people who disrespect you do it across a broad spectrum and not only within a narrow focus like being late all the time but since you are adamant then we will go with your personal version.

Your only recourse is to dump her as a friend. 

 

 

 

I agree with you. When she was late last Saturday I was pis*** off but not to the point of ending the friendship. It was how she reacted to me saying I wasn't happy about it where she showed her true colours: the belittlement, the being entitled, the dismissing of how I feel, everything. I wish I could post here the voice message she sent me so you know what I mean. Not the type of person you want around.

And, imagine if instead of a friendship it was a dating scenario. I would post here that I started seeing this guy who is cronically late every time making me wait 1 or 2 hours for him and laughing at my face about it. I'm pretty sure everyone would say that is a huge red flag and dump him, you deserve better, etc. So why do we have to tolerate that just because is a friend? Same boundaries apply.

Edited June 1, 2020 by ladybug2021

[schlumpy]

From your point view dropping her as a friend is your only option. I agree with you.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

she showed her true colours: the belittlement, the being entitled, the dismissing of how I feel, everything.

Oh damn, definitely end this friendship.

[rjc149]

Yeah I would start fading out of this friendship. Habitual tardiness is a pet peeve of mine. I tolerate fashionable tardiness from a woman on dates 1-3, maybe the 4th. If she starts making a habit of being more than 15 minutes late, I call her out. It IS disrespectful. It says "ahh you're no big deal, I'll just take my time." 

Let her hit you up, and only agree to meet somewhere near your apartment. Tell her to text you when she's 5 minutes away. If you stop hearing from her, you'll know her deal.