Friend always late to meeting and being disrespectful about it

[CaraGrace]

On 5/31/2020 at 2:29 AM, ladybug2021 said:

I have a friend who is always late when we arrange to meet. She used to be like this many years ago and I didn't like it (or any of our other friends) but I used to tolerate it because "it's just the way she is".

I went to live abroad for several years but we kept in touch and now that I'm back in my country we reconnected and started meeting up again.

And, she is still like that. The way she acts is like we agree to meet at a specific place and time and she does not give a s*** to the agreed time. She just does her thing and appears when she wants.

To me today it was the last straw because of the disrespectful way she acted.

We agreed to meet at the beach at 10am and at 10am I was there. She sends me a text at that time asking where am I, and I said I'm at the beach because it's 10am and that's what we agreed. She says she is still at home (she lives about 30 minutes from the beach) and will leave soon... I told her I am going to stay there for a swim but will have to leave at 11am. She asked if it's still ok for her to go if she arrives before 11am and I said ok.

Then at 10:50am she sends a message saying she is like 15 minutes away and almost arriving... I told her I have to leave at 11am as I said before, so I won't be waiting for her. Maybe it's better if we meet another day when she can be on time like agreed.

I also asked her why she didn't text me before 10am to say she was going to be late, to which she said she was busy doing some stuff in the house that she had to do...

She then asked me not to be mad at her, like I'm overreacting and being silly. I told her I'm not gonna comment anything anymore and goodbye.

This type of behaviour is so far off the way I deal with friends (and people in general), and I just find it soooo disrespectful. It's like she doesn't give a s*** and expects (or feels entitled to) people waiting for her, like a princess.

I am the type who am there at the place and time agreed, and if I can't for any reason, I call the person BEFORE the agreed time to let them know. 

I run my own business and have a child, so I also have LOTS to do, but if I agreed in meeting someone, I'll make that a priority, otherwise I'll not agree to meet.

There's a saying that we teach people how we want to be treated, and I'm done with her. It's like it's only her life that matters.

Am I overreacting or not really? I'm really pis*** off with her behaviour and considering ending the friendship.

I think you're already very considering and not overreacting at all. I sometimes do not show up on time but I would tell my friends how much time I am running late so that they can go shopping for a bit or just start eating without me. But no matter what there is no excuses for being late, especially when your friend is doing this every time for so many years. Maybe she is particularly bad at time management but it also shows that she doesn't respect other people's time and think her time is more valuable.

I also have friends who are late every time. There was a time when I met up with 2 friends for dinner on a week day, so bascially all of us had to work but just tried our best to leave office on time. We all work in the same industry and yes we often work crazy hours especially when we have to host events at night. But since we have scheduled this dinner some weeks in advance, I think we all had the time to shift things around and make sure we could meet up for dinner on that night, which already didn't happen too often since we're all very busy. But then one of them was like 2 hours late and he didn't even tell us until we texted him to ask where he was after waiting for him for 30min. And that's when he said he's still at office and that he's very busy... But actually we were also busy but we were happy to shift things around so that we could meet up, which he didn't intend to do or it's just his way to show us that he was more busy and important at work than us? I don't know.

And worst of all is there are people who just stand you up at last minute. There was a time I was meeting up with a not-so-close friend because I knew she's getting married soon and that she wanted to invite me to her wedding. But she only texted me right at the said meet up time to tell me that she couldn't come because of some urgent issue (which was her friend's friend, whom she didn't know in person, got in trouble and she wanted to make sure her friend was ok). I can't judge whether it was right or wrong for her to stand me up for another friend who was actually not the person who got in trouble and needed help. I can only say she is a caring friend for her other friend, but to me it's really disrespectful, because it took me an hour to go out to the place we were supposed to meet for dinner, and now that she suddenly ditched me I had to have dinner on my own, while I could have been having dinner with my husband. Funny thing was like 30min later, she texted me again asking if I was still around because now that she could come to meet me up (which meant, like what I thought, her friend who didn't actually get in trouble herself didn't really need her help). But I was already on my way home and so I told her I left already (and I didn't even want to meet another time). I just felt like she thought I was like a backup, and always available, and she could ditch me or meet me up any time she wanted. 

I think these people are just so self-centered and inconsiderate. If I were you I wouldn't hang out with her unless she initiated it, and then I ask her to call/text me when she get on her car, only from that moment I would leave my door. I'm not going to be the one who wait for her again. 

[ladybug2021]

13 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Yeah I would start fading out of this friendship. Habitual tardiness is a pet peeve of mine. I tolerate fashionable tardiness from a woman on dates 1-3, maybe the 4th. If she starts making a habit of being more than 15 minutes late, I call her out. It IS disrespectful. It says "ahh you're no big deal, I'll just take my time." 

Let her hit you up, and only agree to meet somewhere near your apartment. Tell her to text you when she's 5 minutes away. If you stop hearing from her, you'll know her deal. 

 

Exactly, that's my point. We wouldn't tolerate this in dating, so why tolerate it in a friendship? Do we have more self-respect in dating than with friends? To me it's the same self respect and same boundaries! 

It IS disrespectful and period. It communicates they do not value or care about us, so why keep that friend in your life?

I didn't fade away, I already told her goodbye and deleted her number and from Facebook.