Ghosted after a year and a half?

[holms]

Very sorry this got way longer than I had expected, but once I started typing it all just started coming out.

I am 43 and the current gf is 41.

I was never married but was with a woman for 14 years with 2 kids. That particular woman is a rather toxic person who cheated, never had a job, and was just down right vicious when she drank, which is why I left years ago. But unfortunately we do share kids together, and for the most part we can keep it civil.... most of the time. Occasionally she will send me novel long texts of random hatred. And the current GF sees them, so she knows what type of person she is. If it was just for my daughter, things would be okay because she is 16 and can speak for herself, but our 7 year old son is autistic and does not communicate. So I can't really cut her out completely since I have to be on her a lot to do the things she needs to, or she would just lay around and do nothing.

The current gf has been married twice and has 3 kids between both of those marriages. Ex husband 1 beat her which is why she left (good for her) and ex husband 2 was a cheater and a bit of a narcissist. I have seen the texts both of those men would send and they are pretty wicked at times. Well, before she was divorced from husband 2 during their separation she had hooked up with an old bf from high school. They had a 6 month fling going on, but she eventually found out he was sleeping with multiple woman, so she dropped him like a hot stone, I would have too.

2 months after that is when I met her on an app. We had made the joke that our initial meet was nothing spectacular or anything. I liked her, I thought she was pretty, and she seemed sweet. She was still going through the final stage of the divorce and was upfront about it all. He was dragging it out in court because he wanted her to leave with nothing but the clothes on her back so to speak. Well, we kept talking and texting and I really got to like her. We continued to go out and even spent the night together a few times without sleeping together. I am not a pushy type and she isn't the type who will do that with just anyone. As far as I know, she had only ever slept with 4 other people in her life before me 2 she was married to, her first was at 20 and was just a single time, and the other was that ex bf she had the short fling with. So she isn't one to sleep around. Her sister pretty much confirmed some of the stories as well. THAT was one thing I really liked about her.

So, fast forward a few months and things we going great. We were pretty much spending every night at her house because she had her 2 teenage boys and my kids don't live with me, only every other weekend and at times I will take them for a while in the evening during the week, but I always made it back to her house to spend the night with her. Occasionally we would be able to take weekend trips. Her boys seemed to like me. Her sister and aunt seemed to like me as well. It took a bit to meet her daughter because she was still young and getting over the fact that mom and dad were divorced, and I never pushed to meet her but I eventually did and she as well seemed to like me.

So it's been a year and a half now. I practically lived with her. I have a drawer with my clothes in it. I have my own coffee maker there and a toothbrush, I have picked her kids up when she can't, we are on a phone plan together, etc.... we were in a full blown relationship.

Now these last few months, we always seem to fight on the weekend I have my kids, she cannot stand my ex at all and wants me to have absolutely no contact with her outside of the Family Wizard App. I have tried multiple times to get my Ex to use the app but she refuses. A lot of our fights are about my ex. She communicates with her 2 ex's only through text. Or so she says. But Ex Husband 1 was recently in town for the weekend to spend time with the boys at a hotel and she told me that he was in the house and she did talk to him. Ex Husband 2 now has his own gf and apparently she is pretty crazy, so she seems to obsess about her and that she does not want their daughter anywhere near that woman. But in the long and short of it, she does not want me to be civil with my ex, she just wants her gone most of the time. She thinks I should never speak to her when I pick the kids up, only through text.

About a week after my birthday (November 2019), I went home sick from work one day but never told her I left, just went home to take a nap. It was one of those days I just felt exhausted and had hit the bathroom twice in an hour, so probably just a minor stomach bug. I work as a machinist and I am on my feet all day, so I just decided to go home and get a bit of rest. She showed up at my house because she saw my truck in the driveway. She ran into the house and started searching around. She actually thought I had another woman over. We had it out in my kitchen for a bit but I calmed her down at the moment. Pretty much told her that I know that she had been cheated on in the recent past and that I had as well, so I know how it feels. Basically, being that I know how it feels I would never cheat.... ever. It's a horrible thing to do to a person you are supposed to care about. Well, that was a Friday that I was picking my kids up, so I wouldn't have seen her that weekend anyway. That night while on the phone with her she seemed off. Very short with me, so I got off the phone with her as her sister was coming over. Well, the next day I didn't hear from her at all except a shirt text during the day that her sister was spending the weekend. Later on that night (Saturday) I got a sinking feeling about something. I logged onto the old dating site that we initially met on and there she was and it said "Online Now." My profile was blank, I took down all the pictures, and deleted all the profile description. Her's was still the same as it was when I met her. Should I have looked? Probably not, that was my own insecurities. But I did, and there she was. So I immediately called her out on it with a long text. We went back and forth for a while and I tried to call but she would not answer my call, only text.

The following Tuesday she sends me a text in the evening and basically says "If you love something, you should fight for it." I can't remember the exact words but that was pretty much the feel of the message. So I went on over. She was sitting in the kitchen drinking a beer when I got there. We talked all night and as I was about to leave, she asked me to stay. I told her that I don't like the back and forth and the whole thing of her showing back up on that app. She then told me, that she wasn't "On" it, as in she didn't pay for anything so she couldn't use it's full functions or anything, and she was there both looking for me and showing her sister how things would work as her sister is now divorced as well. I told her that it's still a problem and she said "Okay." She apologized and did the same with her account as I did. Deleted all the pic's and such and put it on a permanent pause. You can't delete your entire account on Zoosk for some reason. 

Well, things wen't okay for a while. We were back to the old routine. Even planned a trip for her birthday in April. Then COVID happened. Aside from losing the trip we were going to take, not much was different. I still went over every night we would either make dinner or order Door Dash even though a lot of our normal places we closed down. Aside from the fact that we couldn't go out for dinner on occasion, nothing different. She was working from home, I was out of work for 5 weeks but was still doing okay. But at least once a month we would have another fight, always during the weekend I had my kids, and always it was about my Ex.

Well, in early May, my daughter calls me in the late evening. Only it wasn't my daughter, it was my ex and the moment I answered the phone she starts in on me about something my daughter did. Then asks if I am coming to my daughters birthday party during the next week. I told her no, that I would be having a small thing for her on my weekend. Then that was the end of the conversation. Well, the current gf starts in on me about how nothing will ever change and that my ex will always be in the background. We fought well into the night, but as I needed to be up at 5am to go to work I asked her what was going on? I asked her, can we just please table this discussion for later so we could go to bed? Now, she didn't kick me out, but she did say I could just leave as she knew I wanted to. I didn't want to, but I did, because I didn't see that fight ending any time soon. As I was leaving she told me she was done, but by that time I was kind of over it as well. I had just gotten back to work and needed to get back into my routine. She was the one bitching that in my 5 weeks off I started to sleep later, go to bed later, and was just down on myself and going a bit stir crazy. When I got home that night, I later found out that she messaged my Ex over FB and those 2 got into it a bit. I was a bit pissed. I told her that I wish she had never sent her a message because now it opened a new can of worm and she did actually agree with me on that. Her exact words were "I fear I opened Pandora's Box." And I agreed with her. But she did say that she feels nothing will change with us and my ex always being in the background.

Well, I did have my kids that weekend (May 9th-10th), and a few friends were over to bring some gifts for my daughter. I got to talking to a friend of mine who knows both of us, and knows my Ex pretty well. Was telling him about some of these things, the fights about my ex, her messaging my ex, and told him about her showing up on the singles site a few months past. He asked if she is still on and I said "I don't think so, let's see." Yep, there she was, with new updated pictures and everything and it said "Online Now." So, that night, I put up new updated pics of my own and just left it on. Sure enough, got the scathing texts the next morning. We fought a bit through text, I tried to call her but she WOULD NOT answer, only text. Took me all day to get her to agree to call. We talked and she did invite me to come over after I drop the kids off and I did. I again brought up all the games being played here, and that she will get into massive argument's with both of her Ex Husband's at times as well, and it will effect her mood, which effects me as well. The one thing she did point out that I do agree with is this.... Neither of her Ex Husband's ever bring me up at all. And the 2nd one is a Police Officer who knows I am with his daughter at times, so I am pretty sure he ran my plates and checked into me. But neither of them bring me up. My ex will though, she will call out my current gf in text ALL THE TIME!! because she is just a toxic person that wants to hit me anywhere she can to hurt me. My gf will read these texts because she is the admin of our phone plan, so she can read all my texts and call logs any time she wants, and she does it all the time.

Well, long story short. We again deleted the stuff on our profiles and agreed to just not play these games. All I want is for us to get back to where we were before my birthday but she can't seem to let things go and pretty much told me she does not trust me half the time. We were again back to me staying there every night, but over the weekend of my daughters birthday she unblocked my ex to see if she posted any pics of the birthday party and to see if I was in any of them. I wasn't because like I said, I didn't go. Last Tuesday morning (May 26th) my ex again messaged her at 4am waking her up. I woke up that morning at 5am like I always do to grab my coffee and get dressed for work. She was already up having her coffee, not too uncommon really, occasionally she will be. I kissed her goodbye and told her to have a good day and went to work. After work I run home to feed the cats and shower then call her. She is crying on the phone at me telling me about the message my ex sent her. She said she had a panic attack during the day but was waiting for me to get out of work to tell me. In a nut shell, my Ex told her to just kill herself in a rather graphic way. I immediately said "OMG, this is exactly why I wish you had never messaged her in the first place. And I thought you had her blocked?" and she again agreed, but said she was not in a good place atm. That was the last I saw her was that morning. I did talk to her on Thursday briefly and told her something I had ordered for her came. She told me to hang onto it. I did ask her if we were going to see each other at all this weekend and she said not Friday, but maybe Saturday. I haven't heard a peep from her since Thursday. She has never gone that long without some type of communication. 

I feel kind of at a loss here. I cannot control my Ex. I tried for 14 years and only stayed because of the kids, but she is a miserable human being. I moved on from her, and I thought I finally found a good woman I could have a long future with. She has a career (my ex never even had a job) and she is great with her kids and mine. She lives in a good neighborhood and is most of the time a sweet woman. A bit controlling at times, and as I read over this before I hit "Post" she can be a bit hypocritical at times. But overall, I really saw a future with her, and we had talked about it on multiple occasions. Now I feel she is just ghosting me. And I find myself constantly checking that damn singles site to see if she pops up again. I have been a bit of a wreck all weekend and feel lost in the open.

 

[FMW]

Sounds like a whole lot of drama.  And that usually means things aren't going to work out in the long run.

Obviously, your situation with an autistic child that has a problematic mother you have to deal with would be a difficult situation for any woman you are involved with. Your girlfriend is apparently extra sensitive, untrusting and jealous.  I'm not sure that combination of issues is one that is workable.

Having an active OLD profile should be an automatic dealbreaker for you after a year and a half.  Her history seems to indicate she's not good at being without a man, so I would see this as her shopping for your replacement while holding on to you in the meantime.  She doesn't appear to have very good coping skills, stirring up things with your ex, impulsively activating her OLD profile, and now just going silent.  Maybe her representations of her previous failed relationships are accurate, but consider the possibility that she had some blame in those failures.  Things are seldom - if ever - all on one person.    

Use this time with no communication with her to honestly assess this relationship.  

[Acacia98]

I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say she cheated on you. And then, as some people do after they've cheated on their significant others, she became extremely insecure and jealous and controlling and suddenly started noticing all these "flaws" of yours.

I also have to tell you that that bit where you write she has had very few sexual partners caused me to raise an eyebrow. You seem to have too much detail about her previous sex life. Why do you have all that information? Did you interrogate her at the beginning of your relationship or did she just happen to volunteer it to you? If she volunteered it to you without any prompting on your part, you should probably set it aside. It might not be the absolute truth. Perhaps she gauged that that was what you wanted to hear. If you interrogated her, well, the same probably applies.

These are the things that stood out to me in your story, but that's based on my own subjective experience of dealing with people. So feel free to take my opinion with a pinch of salt.

But I want to give you an objective opinion about your relationship now: look, if you were only communicating with your ex about your child and trying to keep things simple, then your girlfriend crossed a line when she tried to set rules for that communication. If the existence of your children's mother in the picture is such a deal breaker, she should have just ended things with you. She crossed yet another line when she reactivated her OLD profile. I don't think I have to go into any detail about that.

Let her go. Stop trying to fight or to reciprocate. Your relationship is effectively over. Both of you should have the grace and maturity to let each other go. For your own sakes and, more importantly, for your children's sakes.

Edited May 31, 2020 by Acacia98

[Calmandfocused]

As a 41 year old divorced mother of two I can relate to your situation. 
 

The co parenting relationship that you have with the mother of your children is none of your girlfriends business (and vice versa). She does not get to dictate to you the best way to handle the situation with your toxic ex. You know best how to handle this, your girlfriend should respect you enough to let you handle this situation. 
 

The major red flag  I see here is the inequality in your dynamic with your girlfriend. She cannot have one rule for her (how she manages her children’s fathers) and another for you. It appears that she wants you to operate your relationship exactly on her terms ... er No! 
 

Op, your girlfriend sounds controlling and manipulative. If you do not do exactly what she wants you to do, then she’s on the internet looking for other men. 
 

She doesn’t respect you, nor she deserve you. End these ridiculous games and find someone who wants to treat you like an equal partner. 

[smackie9]

We have heard it all before...she's a great woman but is controlling, always starts fights about my ex blah blah blah. You know nothing is never going to change unless you completely cut all contact with your ex. Since that is impossible, guess what.....got to let this girl go. It's going to get to a point she's gonna jump ship anyways just to spite you.

Edited May 31, 2020 by smackie9

[holms]

@FMW - Yes it is a whole lot of drama. I have often wondered about her past relationships as well because I only get her side of the story. Like for instance. We used to have sex A LOT. Then it began to taper off to almost nothing. Now, I am not a cheater but I did bring this up a few times. I didn't like going from at least 4-5 times a week to once every 2 weeks or more at times. Oh but what SHE want's it I better get into the bed room. We have had a few minor issues about this in the past few months. With her ex Husband, I begin to wonder if he had the same issues, which is why he cheated. Oh, and yes, even her sister and her own son on different occasions has said she is rarely without some type of guy hovering around. She has had many bf's in the past but they rarely last because she wouldn't sleep with them. I'm sure they thought they were in a relationship and she saw it as just casual.... just going out to dinner or to go have fun or something. When they get pushy, she would push them away and onto the next. 

@Acacia98 - She volunteered the information. It turns out we once knew each other 20 years ago and were at the same wedding. I was 22 and she was 19 but was dating the Brides brother. He dumped her because she would not sleep with him. But she also knew I did have a wild past. Her sister and I talked once, and apparently she had tons of BF's back in High School but they never lasted longer than a month or 2 because she wouldn't sleep with them. They had a strict Religious upbringing and apparently she was one of the few that tried to wait until marriage. She did cave and had sex with 1 man before she was married, but other then that it was only with her 2 husbands. I honestly don't think she cheated, what I do know of her is that she isn't that type. I think it's that she had been cheated on so many times that her issues with trust are kind of permanently scarred. 

But, to you both. Perhaps you are correct in that this may never be fixed. I makes me really sad because I really grew attached to her, her kids, hell even the dogs. We had such a great time last summer. With only a few minor issues that we always resolved before we went to bed. Until around the time of my birthday last November we never went to be angry. We always communicated and talked through our issues. But I realize now, that it was me doing most of the talking.

[LynneVicious]

Yikes. Op, your current gf is controlling and insecure. It’s a toxic combination. Being active on a dating site while in a committed relationship would make me end the relationship immediately. And I didn’t quite get her reasoning: was it because you have somewhat of an amicable relationship with your ex - the mother of your kids??

Im sorry, but she’s coming across as very toxic. After a year and a half, the honeymoon is over and she’s showing you her true self.

The old saying, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” is a saying you should take to heart. 

[holms]

I posted about the initial breakdown on another thread. For a week she had ghosted me but when I finally talked to her she made the breakup official. It wasn't our first break, but they normally never lasted more than a day. I never viewed those as breakups though, more like disagreements where we needed a day to cool off. If we had lived together officially im sure it would have lasted even less time as we could always seem to talk things through, always.

Anyway, here goes.

It’s been a week of NC now with my current ex, and yes I did beg a bit in our last conversation, but nothing seriously over the top. I still have the keys to her house and we are still on a phone plan together. She has not asked for the keys back, or offered to take me off her plan either. We are both in our early 40s and met on a dating app. We had practically lived together for over a year as I would spend the night at her place every night and cuddle to sleep every night. Her kids liked me and I liked them as well, she even commented recently before the breakup that I was great with her kids. We became each others best friend and communication was never an issue. She was also good with my kids. My son is autistic and when I met her she was a teacher who dealt with kids like my son. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. We did trips together both alone and with all of our kids. We communicated often, even with uncomfortable issues and always worked past them. She claimed she loved me very much and short of cheating could work to forgive a lot. I lost a job earlier in the year before the COVID lock down, but didnt tell her about it for a week, that caused a major issue. I was out of work for 2 months but eventually got and even better job and she seemed so happy about that.

But we did have a few rocky issues going almost back to the beginning and they were mainly trust issues. She was cheated on by her ex husband and the next man after him. I was in the same situation as I was cheated on by the mother of my kids and the next one after her, so we both had a bit of trust issues, but also an understanding of each of our situations. I dont believe she is a cheater, and I certainly am not, but she shows a pattern in her past of never being single long, in some cases almost overlapping her partners.

At one point in December she reactivated her singles profile after she accused me of lying and cheating on her. That lasted the weekend and we worked things out by sunday. Fast forward to the begging of May, she again reactivated the same profile, but updated all the pictures, so I reactivated mine. We had a big fight about this, but again i was over by her on Sunday night and we worked it out… so it seemed. My trust issues came from the fact that every time we would fight I would go to that site to see if she was there, those are my issues to deal with, but I was proven right twice now. The first time she said she was looking for me, but forgot it was still open on her computer. As she is the type who really doesn’t lie, I took her word on that. The second time all the pics were updated.

The tuseday after Memorial Day was the last time i saw her in the morning when i left for work and kissed her good bye. That day she told me that the mother of my kids sent her a nasty message on FB and that she couldnt take that. But she also admitted that weeks earlier, she had been the one to initially message the mother of my kids.

What caused all the issues was the mother of my kids, she herself is a very toxic person and has no issues with resorting to name calling on both of us. Well, the current gf couldnt take it anymore after a year of these issues. I contacted a lawyer that week and had the meeting the following week and will be going after the mother of my kids to change the stipulations of our relationship for the kids. No contact with me outside of the issues for the kids, and ABSOLUTELY no contact with anyone in my life. When I told her this, she said she was happy I took that step but that it was just too little too late. I really dont want to lose this woman as she was the most meaningful relationship I have ever really had. But she is completely “Taurus” stubborn so I fear I may have lost her for good and I am crushed by this

[preraph]

Sounds like she is really ready to date other guys.  Glad you're trying to sort it out so you don't have to interact with your ex.  Hopefully they put you on one of those e-mail websites where all emails are kept and can be used before a judge if need be, which encourages civility and sticking to the rules about staying out of each other's business.  No one wants to deal with someone's ex, that's for sure.  It may be one of those deals she has to see to believe.  Would be if I were her.  But you can keep her updated on how well that's going once you get it squared away.  Are you doing pickups through a middle person, then?  Because that's part of that and can add a layer of peace but also complication.

[holms]

Thats exactly what my ex wanted me to do with her. Its called Our Family Wizard, and i have it already with both accounts paid for, have since November. The mother of my kids refuses to use it.

When I talked to my ex last, she had told me she really doesn't want to see anyone right now as she is not thinking clearly, but i worry that was just said for my benefit. Part of me is worried she already has someone lined up. Another part of me believes her, but again... this may be me and my wishful thinking.

If I back off a bit, I would hope she comes back. She said plenty of the last year and a half that proves she really does love me. I really don't want to lose her.

For now, I'm taking care of what I need to and working on myself. Did plenty of reading over the weekend about self care and such. Im not a total mess or anything, I have dealt with breakups before, but this one definitely hurts the most. 

Im not doing the whole NC to hope she comes running back or randomly call/text but it would be nice. I am doing to preserve myself right now. But have woman dumpers even gone back after a period? We did have some issues, but as I had said, we were great at communicating and working past them. She is a bit insecure and controlling at times, and I am a bit closed off and stubborn at times, but I am not an immovable object at least.