Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Ive had an extremely toxic relationship with my mum my entire life and my siblings always take her side. Anyway, today was mothers day and I told her to basically f*** off... Im a single parent with two toddlers and no friends. I feel so much better when I dont have contact with my mum, she brings out the worst in me. Ive tried the past two years for my children's sake (although the help i get from my family is almost non-existing...) but I cant anymore. I hate her and my kids do not deserve the side of me that she brings out. How have you coped cutting off toxic relatives when you're basically all alone? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 My mother was also toxic and yet the parent/child relationship will keep drawing you back hoping for a change in the pattern. My solution was to isolate myself from my mother and only allow peripheral contact such as Holiday and birthday cards and infrequent phone calls. It helped that moved a hundred miles away. It worked out well for me. She was adding nothing positive to my life. I had my wife to hang onto so your situation is different being a single parent. Is the father in the picture as far as seeing the children and helping out? That is important unless his involvement would cause more harm then good. I suggest you talk with a counselor. I think you need to dissect your relationship with your mother and learn some strategies on how to control your interaction with her so that it doesn't escalate to a shouting match. Maybe then you will be able to make some progress and have some kind of relationship with her albeit not the one you desire. Calm and temperate should be in your lexicon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 You build a new support system. For now just stay apart from the toxic people. Don't cause a scene. It won't do any good. Instead, distance yourself. Don't call them but do observe certain niceties: send holiday cards, presents to children / nieces & nephews but don't show up. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 20 hours ago, Loveisonlyformovies said: How have you coped cutting off toxic relatives when you're basically all alone? I cannot say much for the situation you are having with your family, but earlier post sounds reasonable and important if you are going to improve your lot. Don't be alone. I am a single parent/father and have raised my kids since they were 2 and a baby. There were times when I thought I needed to things on my own and completely immerse myself into the lives of my children, but I realized the isolation actually made me LESS effective of a parent. Is there any way to create a new social group, as d0nnivain suggests. New support group. Don't do this alone. May I ask where the father of the toddlers is? Is he helpful in any way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 The father is not part of their lives, he refuses to and he is also in another country. So no help from him. I dont know where to find a new network from. There are no activities or kids groups I can take part of. My siblings are no longer allowed contact with me and im not a social person in general. Well, I used to be super social but cant stand people in my own country anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: I suggest you talk with a counselor. I think you need to dissect your relationship with your mother and learn some strategies on how to control your interaction with her so that it doesn't escalate to a shouting match. Maybe then you will be able to make some progress and have some kind of relationship with her albeit not the one you desire. Calm and temperate should be in your lexicon. Every counselor ive ever spoken to has recommended zero contact with my mother. Not even for holidays.. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 1 minute ago, Loveisonlyformovies said: Every counselor ive ever spoken to has recommended zero contact with my mother. Not even for holidays.. If you have access to mental health Professionals why are you asking a bunch of amateurs on the internet? Listen to the doctors you are paying for their knowledge! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: If you have access to mental health Professionals why are you asking a bunch of amateurs on the internet? Listen to the doctors you are paying for their knowledge! That was years ago and such "doctors" are the real amateurs in my opinion. Back then I had my ex to rely on and now I don't. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 19 minutes ago, Loveisonlyformovies said: That was years ago and such "doctors" are the real amateurs in my opinion. Back then I had my ex to rely on and now I don't. I'm a bit surprised at that recommendation. They must see your relationship as irretrievable. Do you want or need a relationship with your mother? I know you can you live without her. What type of relationship would you settle for and what type of relationship is she capable of providing? Would it be enough for you just to keep the door open in case some dynamic would change between the two of you or is a full relationship or nothing? How does she feel about her grandkids? My sister is in a battle with her daughter-in-law and I'm amazed at how much crap she takes just to see that little boy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 49 minutes ago, schlumpy said: I'm a bit surprised at that recommendation. They must see your relationship as irretrievable. Do you want or need a relationship with your mother? I know you can you live without her. What type of relationship would you settle for and what type of relationship is she capable of providing? Would it be enough for you just to keep the door open in case some dynamic would change between the two of you or is a full relationship or nothing? How does she feel about her grandkids? My sister is in a battle with her daughter-in-law and I'm amazed at how much crap she takes just to see that little boy. I dont want any relationship with her at all. And my kids are better off without her too. She's just the only practical help (although she's rarely willing) I got even though it comes with a massive price as I get severely depressed and angry every time she's been around. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 (edited) I know there are parents children should cut out of their life entirely. If they are that toxic (I can't judge that but just take your word for it), you don't want them influencing your kids. I am a believer that violent criminals should never have contact with their children in any form ever again because kids will bend over backwards to justify that what they did was alright and need a clear message that it was not and get away from being conned and sucked back in, used, and abused. If your therapists don't think your mom relationship is salvageable, they may be right. I cut my mom off when I was about 20 because they just couldn't have any respect for me. She apologized some months later and stopped treating me as bad for some years until she got old and lost her filter again. We had some good years in there somewhere. I love her because she did everything for me as a child, no neglect there. But people have problems and flaws and personality conflict. Remember, she's the one who made you like you are, so just be sure therapy is looking into that with a microscope. Edited June 1, 2020 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 24 minutes ago, Loveisonlyformovies said: She's just the only practical help (although she's rarely willing) I got even though it comes with a massive price as I get severely depressed and angry every time she's been around. Then step one is find other help. You can't take what crumbs she offers because the price is too high. My mother was toxic too. Yet I lived at home during graduate school & mortgaged my mental health in exchange for her help with my tuition. I knew what I was giving up & what I was getting. I also knew it had a time limit. Your ties to her will exist as long as you let them. In the name of some peace & because you don't have other support plus to give you the option to be there if she changes or at least say goodbye when she's dying, I suggested a passive aggressive way to keep the door open a crack, hopefully in a way that doesn't upset you. I made peace with my mom after I moved out & stood on my own two feet financially & otherwise for several years. We did spend 2 years not interacting at all. We only reconciled when my father made up because we were breaking his heart. We were never close. She was always toxic but in the end I was all she had as she was dying. I got some peace knowing I did my duty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Loveisonlyformovies said: I dont want any relationship with her at all. And my kids are better off without her too. She's just the only practical help (although she's rarely willing) I got even though it comes with a massive price as I get severely depressed and angry every time she's been around. I agree find or hire other help if you and you kids are better off without her and it's causing you severe depression. Get away from her immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 3 hours ago, Loveisonlyformovies said: Back then I had my ex to rely on and now I don't. Can the kids father give you the help you were getting from your mom so you don't have to see her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Can the kids father give you the help you were getting from your mom so you don't have to see her? Cant afford to hire help at all. And no, he's in another country and not involved in their lives at all Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 5 minutes ago, Loveisonlyformovies said: Cant afford to hire help at all. And no, he's in another country and not involved in their lives at all Does she keep them while you work? Have you thought about moving to where there father is and getting completely away from your mother? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 5 hours ago, Loveisonlyformovies said: My siblings are no longer allowed contact with me Why aren't your siblings allowed to contact you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 no, they are at nursery while i study at home. I couldn't survive financially in his country and he wouldnt help out with money at all. So it's not an option. Because my mum is a horrible bitch and they are all scared of her. I don't have anything in common with my siblings anyway though. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Oh I see so she doesn't watch the kids. Well there's no good reason to be around her. I'm in the US and women here can file for child support and get paid so much per child. Does the country he lives in have that policy? What about your country? That would help you a lot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: Oh I see so she doesn't watch the kids. Well there's no good reason to be around her. I'm in the US and women here can file for child support and get paid so much per child. Does the country he lives in have that policy? What about your country? That would help you a lot. nope. he refuses to work so he has no income so no court in any country will force him to pay a thing. I get enough benefits for now that also covers for the missing child support to get by which allows me to study without a loan. But in UK I stand no chance of supporting myself. It's just really hard to deal with two small kids all alone. When they are sick i'm depending on relatives to bring me groceries and stuff and my mum has been the only one willing to help (although seldom). I cant take them out to a restaurant or to a lake or amusement park on my own. Just going to the shop to get milk is a saga and a vacation is out of the question... I know it'll get easier in a few years but i feel so incredibly limited on my own at their current age. It just sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Okay, so what do you plan to do about your mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 6 minutes ago, stillafool said: Okay, so what do you plan to do about your mother? Nothing? This post is not about reconciliation. I don't want her in my life. Just looking for ways to cope without. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Do you have hobbies? How old are your twins? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 On 5/31/2020 at 1:29 PM, Loveisonlyformovies said: How have you coped cutting off toxic relatives when you're basically all alone? I've cut off relatives and friends. When I do I just become unreachable and avoid them. I don't have to cope because when I decide I no longer want to be bothered with someone, I make it happen, and then I feel relief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 2, 2020 Author Share Posted June 2, 2020 10 hours ago, stillafool said: I've cut off relatives and friends. When I do I just become unreachable and avoid them. I don't have to cope because when I decide I no longer want to be bothered with someone, I make it happen, and then I feel relief. That is very easy when there are other people around. Which I don't have. Link to post Share on other sites
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