Breaking up with family, how to manage alone?

[Ellener]

18 hours ago, Loveisonlyformovies said:

There are no activities or kids groups I can take part of.

When I first emigrated to America I found it difficult, so I made contact with other mothers with a website called UK Parenting, and I also had a penpal in London she and I wrote letters for a long time.

12 hours ago, Loveisonlyformovies said:

I cant take them out to a restaurant or to a lake or amusement park on my own.

It will get easier, try simple outings like a walk, a picnic.

Do you have depression?

 

 

[Loveisonlyformovies]

37 minutes ago, Ellener said:

When I first emigrated to America I found it difficult, so I made contact with other mothers with a website called UK Parenting, and I also had a penpal in London she and I wrote letters for a long time.

It will get easier, try simple outings like a walk, a picnic.

Do you have depression?

 

 

Its the practical aspects that I struggle coping with, not the social ones. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Loveisonlyformovies said:

That is very easy when there are other people around. Which I don't have. 

Well actually I was alone and living 3,000 miles from my relatives.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Well actually I was alone and living 3,000 miles from my relatives.

Which means you didn't have to risk running into them or anyone they know on a daily basis... 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Loveisonlyformovies said:

Which means you didn't have to risk running into them or anyone they know on a daily basis... 

So in this post I was lucky because I didn't have anyone around.

11 hours ago, Loveisonlyformovies said:

That is very easy when there are other people around. Which I don't have. 

But here you say the opposite!  Which is it because I am referring to the same thing.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

If I lived far away and didn't have my kids, cutting off relatives is incredibly easy. It cant really be compared. 

[Pumaza]

Thats sad. Havr you ever talk alone with your mom about thr issues you got with her?And how you feel?

Like a heart to heart convo?

Before cutting her of is good to try to talk it out first.

And with or without family, its good to have a freind or more.

You have young kids? Maybe socialize a bit with their age group parents.

And maybe you need a break now.But close family hurts more when you lose them. So try not to keep this for ever.

Maybe few months no contact to fugure things out.

But not for ever. So you wont regret if she die suddenly and you regret never had spent time with her lately.

While you have no contact you can figure out why its the way it is between yall. Maybe with a therapist.

Beside you have kids.They learn from you how to deal with hard times between kids and parents by how you act.

And accept what you cant change.

Accept the situation.And work on it along the way. And atleast senf flowers and a card on important days to your mom.Like birthdays, motherday etc.

All the best.

 

 

[Pumaza]

On 6/1/2020 at 4:34 PM, Loveisonlyformovies said:

The father is not part of their lives, he refuses to and he is also in another country. So no help from him.

 

I dont know where to find a new network from. There are no activities or kids groups I can take part of. My siblings are no longer allowed contact with me and im not a social person in general. Well, I used to be super social but cant stand people in my own country anymore...

Why they not allowed contact with you. and why no one on your side?

Things you have done?

Sure there must be stuff for kids there,even go to the playground and meet other moms.

[LynneVicious]

Op, if you have no Relationship  with your family, and there are really no opportunities for you in Sweden, why not consider moving to where there are more opportunities?

[Dis]

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I can relate quite a bit.

 

My father was physically abusive and my older sister was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. After trudging through the abuse even as an adult I finally decided to cut ties with my sister 5 years ago. As a result I was essentially ostracized from my family. I was told, "it wasn't that bad" "why would you stop talking to your sister" "you hate your sister". When in reality it was that bad and I don't hate her, she's just toxic to be around. I didn't even tell my mom everything my sister did until I was 29. And once I did, it hit me. Everything became real. It was abuse. And I just felt like I could never look at her again. I wanted to keep the family together because I know my dad has really mellowed out but I also had to stand up for myself and no longer subject myself to things I didn't deserve. My parents may not say it but they're on my sister's side of the fence. I don't spent the holidays with my family and haven't for 5 years. My parents spend them with my sister and don't include me in any other plans. I'm not a priority to my parents but I honestly don't think I ever was. If I can't be treated like a valued member of the family, I'll remove myself completely. I thought about things for awhile...

 

Do I allow my family to devalue me just to keep the peace and maybe have some support and roots?

 

Or do I value myself more than my family ever did and brave the world alone?

 

I chose the latter and I feel proud of my decision. But it's been sad during the holidays though. Last Christmas I had a patient who didn't have any visitors and clearly wasn't happy the holidays were upon us. I told him I wasn't thrilled either. Then he looked at me and said, "we can be sad together then". I almost burst into tears.

 

I rarely speak to my parents now and continue with NC with my sister. I spent my childhood being told I was wrong, that I was a burden and I served as the family punching bag. I finally respect myself enough to no longer tolerate that treatment. Being alone is healthier than being around people who don't value you. Don't get me wrong, it's a sad thing to separate from your own blood. But in my case, it's the most healing decision I've made. You'll have to do what's right for you. I wish you the very best. 

 

*hugs*

Edited June 6, 2020 by Disillusionment373

[Loveisonlyformovies]

On 6/5/2020 at 1:09 AM, Pumaza said:

Why they not allowed contact with you. and why no one on your side?

Things you have done?

Sure there must be stuff for kids there,even go to the playground and meet other moms.

No, i dont want to socialize with people from my own country. And we dont socialize in that way in my country, we're pretty famous for it too. 

And no, I honestly wouldnt mind if my mother died. She's a horrible, horrible woman. I haven't done anything wrong, I'm just the only one of my siblings who dare to stand up against her mental and physical abuse. 

[Loveisonlyformovies]

On 6/6/2020 at 3:51 AM, LynneVicious said:

Op, if you have no Relationship  with your family, and there are really no opportunities for you in Sweden, why not consider moving to where there are more opportunities?

Child care is crazy expensive abroad and I have no degree yet. I could never afford studying abroad either. So I can't do that alone. 

[Loveisonlyformovies]

On 6/6/2020 at 4:57 AM, Disillusionment373 said:

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I can relate quite a bit.

 

My father was physically abusive and my older sister was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. After trudging through the abuse even as an adult I finally decided to cut ties with my sister 5 years ago. As a result I was essentially ostracized from my family. I was told, "it wasn't that bad" "why would you stop talking to your sister" "you hate your sister". When in reality it was that bad and I don't hate her, she's just toxic to be around. I didn't even tell my mom everything my sister did until I was 29. And once I did, it hit me. Everything became real. It was abuse. And I just felt like I could never look at her again. I wanted to keep the family together because I know my dad has really mellowed out but I also had to stand up for myself and no longer subject myself to things I didn't deserve. My parents may not say it but they're on my sister's side of the fence. I don't spent the holidays with my family and haven't for 5 years. My parents spend them with my sister and don't include me in any other plans. I'm not a priority to my parents but I honestly don't think I ever was. If I can't be treated like a valued member of the family, I'll remove myself completely. I thought about things for awhile...

 

Do I allow my family to devalue me just to keep the peace and maybe have some support and roots?

 

Or do I value myself more than my family ever did and brave the world alone?

 

I chose the latter and I feel proud of my decision. But it's been sad during the holidays though. Last Christmas I had a patient who didn't have any visitors and clearly wasn't happy the holidays were upon us. I told him I wasn't thrilled either. Then he looked at me and said, "we can be sad together then". I almost burst into tears.

 

I rarely speak to my parents now and continue with NC with my sister. I spent my childhood being told I was wrong, that I was a burden and I served as the family punching bag. I finally respect myself enough to no longer tolerate that treatment. Being alone is healthier than being around people who don't value you. Don't get me wrong, it's a sad thing to separate from your own blood. But in my case, it's the most healing decision I've made. You'll have to do what's right for you. I wish you the very best. 

 

*hugs*

I'm really sorry to hear about that, but I can relate to it. I know I'll be happier without my mum as she is very toxic, I just hate that it affects my kids too. I just wish I was brave enough to move further away and start over on my own. But it is a scary thing to do, although i'd have valid excuses to not go to family gatherings. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Loveisonlyformovies said:

although i'd have valid excuses to not go to family gatherings. 

You don't need valid excuses not to go.  You are grown.  Just say you aren't coming because you have other plans and don't go.

Edited June 9, 2020 by stillafool

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Loveisonlyformovies said:

I haven't done anything wrong, I'm just the only one of my siblings who dare to stand up against her mental and physical abuse. 

If she's mentally and physically abusive why would you have her around your kids?

[Tammy798797]

Wait until the matter get solved. In case there is no response from other family member, then ignore such people who have no value and respect for you.