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I got what I wish for but now I want more. I hate myself


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ladyred229

To begin... Im felt horrible to my MM ...


Im a MW ( my H did something bad to me but he is still a good father to my young kids) hence I will not leave my marriage.

Like any other MM or MW, I'm also looking for someone who can close gaps in my marriage in order for me to have strength to continue my marriage.. leaving is not an option.

I told myself.. All I want is someone that we can share passions, laugh and talk about daily life and good sex..

That's how I started my EA. I have never cheated before.

With MM we can chat and have good chemistry and attraction . He has good job, financially stable and wife/ kids.
Never cheated before too and of course with his own unhappiness in this marriage being treated like a monthly pay cheque. Anyhow he has no intention to break his family apart too.

We have been together physically for 1 year. We were just friends before that ( abt 2 yrs which he has hinted he wanted something more but I refused, hence we stayed platonic ).

I broke if off once after abt 3 mths because I felt he is using me to validate his needs...however he is consistent, respectful and nice.. He paid for our dates and never cancel any date.
Even though he is nice to me... he is not really involve in knowing what's going on with me . I felt being used for him to be happy in his marriage ( to fill in those missing gaps, well so am I ). Is so silly of me to say this.. this is an affair after all

So I broke it off, I did not give any reason .. I just said is not a right thing to do. I did not ask for anything. ... He is devastated.. ( I did not expect that maybe because we hv been talking daily total of 3 yrs).. he couldn't imagine life without me.

After about 1 mth of NC ( he continues to try reach out throughout the month.. But I ignored him) until I felt really bad. Part of me miss him too.
We started talking again and somehow we continued our relationship..

I'm very surprised.. .. He seem to be a different man..he cared, he knows about my daily in / out.. He goes out of his comfort zone to do things which he usually insisted that he won't do it and considered my feelings in a lot of his plannings .. ( previously he only contacts me when he is free). He remembers little things I said and took my advise on his important decisions. I don't think someone can fake all these if they are not genuine because even I forgot some of the little things I mentioned ..and he remembered.

I want him good as well. I felt he is a genuine. At times he is more involved in my life more than my husband.

A lot of times I'm the first he came to on happy or sad things. He will speak and act as if he is my husband to advise me about things in life or my job.. He listened and he remembered..

After we continued our relationship...he confessed to me for the very first time..
He wasn't those who love bomb woman in order to get them..

Everything sounds good ( two people using each other to fulfill their unmet needs)


However he also told me important things that happen around his wife. I know that we have once promised to be good friends to hear each other out but.... . Im jealous..
However I did not react to it. I still listened.

May I ask other MM in here.. Do you all talk about your wife to your OW?

At times it looks like he is falling for me but I know is not real. All these are just fantasy. Maybe him as well... I kept reminding myself is not real.

I'm not proud at all.. 
This is where I start to hate myself..
I start to get greedy...
I genuinely like him.. and want things to be good for him..
I don't want him to leave his wife..
I want to protect my kids in my marriage, I rather be unhappy than my kids to be unhappy... 
I hate myself that I want to get the same treatment in term of financial..
I know he will give if I ask for it.. but I want him to invest in me from his own heart not because I asked for it..ego stroke? I don't know..maybe yes..
I don't need his money but I want to be spoilt..

I know I'm so f***ed up thinking this way..
And I'm still so greedy despite being treated with love and care...

I really hate myself feeling this way...

Would like to hear from everyone.. What would you do if you are in my position..

Edited by ladyred229
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If you want someone to "fill the gaps" that are missing in your marriage, why do that with someone who is married? You say you don't want to hurt your kids, what about his kids? You don't think they would be hurt by their father having an affair with you?

 

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ladyred229
6 minutes ago, Zona said:

If you want someone to "fill the gaps" that are missing in your marriage, why do that with someone who is married? You say you don't want to hurt your kids, what about his kids? You don't think they would be hurt by their father having an affair with you?

 

We both are responsible to our kids, I know is not right.. sometimes things happened.. 

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1 hour ago, ladyred229 said:

We both are responsible to our kids, I know is not right.. sometimes things happened.. 

You can divorce and continue being responsible for your kids. Children are not stupid, they can tell when something is wrong. What's worse than growing up with divorced parents is growing up in a family that is visibly broken with deceiving, cheating parents. 

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JimmyNorth
4 hours ago, ladyred229 said:

We both are responsible to our kids, I know is not right.. sometimes things happened.. 

Assuming your sex and attraction were missing from marriage, is there anyway for you to have the hots again for your H?

 

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stillafool
5 hours ago, ladyred229 said:

I don't need his money but I want to be spoilt..

So basically you are jealous because MM spends money on his wife and spoils her?  Tell your husband you want him to spoil you as it's not MMs place to do it.  Does your husband know he's in an open relationship?

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ladyred229
10 minutes ago, JimmyNorth said:

Assuming your sex and attraction were missing from marriage, is there anyway for you to have the hots again for your H?

 

Very difficult. Sorry that I have no strength to share the details but he sort of pushes me to another guy years ago for his own benefit. 

I'm OK to up my poker face to be a mother my kids and hoping that they will grow up in a complete family. 

Both my husband and I did not argue or anything and in fact I believe he does respect  me as a family, as a mother to kids but love? I'm not sure. I also 

On surface, I may sound like a irresponsible woman who looks for fun outside my marriage. 

I did not plan for this affair. It has been years since the incident happened with my husband, I would have done it if I plan for it..sometimes we can't choose who we got attracted to.  

I'm not missing 'sex' as in physical act. But if in terms of intimacy, zero. 

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These stories make me very sad. “My husband hurt me, but I’m going to stay with him for my children...”

I’m a child. I had a good mother who I loved more than life itself. Never, would I ever, want to put her in a situation where she feels hurt, disrespected, and so unhappy that she puts herself and my family at risk by staying in a bad marriage and having an affair - for me.

Your “solution” puts your family at risk if you are discovered. The very family, for whom you are subjugating yourself by staying with a man who has hurt you. It’s really sad, but I would never want to be responsible for that. 

Edited by BaileyB
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stillafool
30 minutes ago, ladyred229 said:

I'm not missing 'sex' as in physical act. But if in terms of intimacy, zero.

You are still having sex with your husband?  I thought you were just there for the kids.

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ladyred229
53 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You are still having sex with your husband?  I thought you were just there for the kids.

My H initiates it..if I say No, he will look for it outside, what can I do.. 

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ladyred229
59 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

These stories make me very sad. “My husband hurt me, but I’m going to stay with him for my children...”

I’m a child. I had a good mother who I loved more than life itself. Never, would I ever, want to put her in a situation where she feels hurt, disrespected, and so unhappy that she puts herself and my family at risk by staying in a bad marriage and having an affair - for me.

Your “solution” puts your family at risk if you are discovered. The very family, for whom you are subjugating yourself by staying with a man who has hurt you. It’s really sad, but I would never want to be responsible for that. 

I understand, when I'm young, my mother go through unhappy marriage as well. I would never want her to go through all that. However my kids are too small and young to understand. 

Edited by ladyred229
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ladyred229
Just now, ladyred229 said:

I understand, when I'm young, my mother go through unhappy marriage as well. I would never want her to go through all that. However my kids is too small and young to understand. 

I'm thinking to get things iron out with H when kids are older to understand.. 

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Maybe  better to move the kids out whilst they are still "too small and young to understand".
Though you would probably would be surprised just how much they do understand.
Kids pick up vibes pretty quick
Once they are old enough to understand fully, the damage is probably already done...

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18 minutes ago, ladyred229 said:

My H initiates it..if I say No, he will look for it outside, what can I do.. 

Divorce the man. 

What is your objection to leaving this man who who hurts you and cheats on you? I don’t know where you live, what culture you are from and what the laws are related to divorce. But certainly in the western world, nobody would fault you for divorcing. 

You say he is a “good father” - I find that difficult to believe. He is definitely a terrible husband.

Indeed, the older they get the more damage has been done. And they will grow, and learn that their father is not a good man and that their mother stayed and raised them in an unhealthy home. The time to get out is now. This sounds like an untenable situation - for everyone. Except, maybe your husband. 

Edited by BaileyB
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stillafool
1 hour ago, ladyred229 said:

My H initiates it..if I say No, he will look for it outside, what can I do.. 

Why do you care if he looks for it outside since you're getting outside too.  Is that fair?  Let him have his fun also.

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3 hours ago, ladyred229 said:

sometimes we can't choose who we got attracted to.  

No we can't, but we can chose to live with integrity and not get involved with people while they are married, or when we are. This is a choice you willingly made, it wasn't just an unavoidable accident. I know this is the OM/OW forum, so I bite my tongue when I'm here, but your wayward tendencies (especially how you justify things) are through the roof. 

If your question is how can you get your AP to spend more money on you, then I don't  think anyone here will have any sympathy for that. It comes across as totally selfish.

Edited by Zona
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stillafool
8 hours ago, ladyred229 said:

I start to get greedy...

 

34 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why do you care if he looks for it outside since you're getting outside too.  Is that fair?  Let him have his fun also.

Yes you're quite greedy.

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ladyred229
1 minute ago, stillafool said:

 

Yes you're quite greedy.

Yes I am.. 

oh my..

I'm new into this forum. Noticed that you have been here for quite a while. 

I'm going thru as many post as possible..hoping to knock some senses to my brain.. 

Thanks for reading my post. 

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Amethyst68
4 hours ago, ladyred229 said:

sometimes we can't choose who we got attracted to.  

Not this again. No we can't choose the initial attraction, everything after that is a cold hard choice. You chose to lie to cheat, to have sex.

Don't try and sugar coat it an affair is 2 people making conscious decisions to lie and deceive at least one spouse. In this case it's two spouses who are being made fools of.

I'm not excusing your husband's behaviour years ago but you chose to stay. It does not give you the excuse to encroach into another woman's marriage this way.

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Bittersweetie

I was a wayward wife who had an affair to "fill in the gaps" too. It was the worst choice I ever made. I compromised my own personal integrity and self-respect to make choices that made me feel better in the moment, instead of addressing the root cause of issues (in both myself and in my marriage). You are disrespecting yourself, your marriage, your family, your husband. Is that the kind of person you want to be? You have the opportunity, if you are not satisfied with your life, to choose a path that is honest and authentic. Will it be easy? Of course not, it will most likely be very difficult. But I will say that I am much more content with my life now being honest and authentic than I ever was in the affair. Good luck.

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mark clemson

People who are against affairs no matter what, will not accept any "reasons" as valid. They have a point as affairs are inherently unethical. In your case it sounds like your husband has been having them too and also does not meet your needs. While all that doesn't make it ethical for you to have one, it's pretty clear that you are indeed trying to put a band aid on your bad marriage so you can continue the marriage. 

I won't say whether continuing that approach makes sense - that's up to you. I would point out that IF you are looking for support in continuing your affair, there are other internet forums that would probably be better suited, such as one called truesupport.org . IF you are looking to end it or are happy to explore all the many problems and reasons why it's almost certainly not a very good idea (with some counterbalancing from a few posters) then IMO you've come to the right place.

I would point out that you becoming honest and loyal to your husband will not necessarily change him very much. THAT has to be something that he wants to do and take steps toward, e.g. via marriage counseling.

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You just wanted both worlds. Your husband and your family and the goods that may come with it.

You want the MM and the love he's giving to his wife.

 

I understand that you are jealous of his wife. She's so lucky, she got a husband like him. 

But to be honest, I will never understand the whole thing about not divorcing for the sake of children. I always wish my parents would separate. I grew up wishing my mom will just leave my dad. I grew up frustrated because I love her so much but at the same time, I wish she would be strong enough to leave.

If you're not really happy with your husband - to the point that you have to force yourself to have sex with him, then just leave. Leave before it's too late.

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pepperbird
On 6/1/2020 at 10:08 AM, ladyred229 said:

My H initiates it..if I say No, he will look for it outside, what can I do.. 

madam, please get yourself some counselling so you can leave both these men.

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justwhoiam
On 6/1/2020 at 8:01 AM, ladyred229 said:

That's how I started my EA. I have never cheated before.Do you all talk about your wife to your OW?

Would like to hear from everyone.. What would you do if you are in my position..

Hi Lady,

I totally understand your feelings, because I experienced them before you.

You had been talking to him for 2 years before having a romantic relationship with him, I had 10. Your relationship's been going on for 1 year, mine 8/9 years, with kids who are all still minors. My husband did something too, that shook me to my core. We got close again some more after that, but it wasn't the same anymore... and I was always the one looking for him, aka he didn't want me anymore, going on. That was the "perfect" precondition to fall for someone else, after 18 years together. I still love him, but not in love with him anymore. Although I thought of it, I never really considered separating nor divorcing. I promised support for better or for worse, and loyalty that I'm expressing by not leaving and taking care of family every day, 24/7, including inlaws if needed. That's how I'm keeping my vow. It's a partnership and we are side by side for all the things that need attention, be it family members, house, etc.

There are two main differences in my story: 1. I'm intimate with only one man, and steady with that for the entire relationship and 2. I never used anyone and never felt that way. I wasn't looking for a relationship. And before getting physically intimate, I had to make sure about his intentions and his love for me. Love is the engine.

That said, does he talk to me about his wife? He's usually quite discreet, and at times I ask about things. I'm bothered if I feel she takes advantage of him, as you said, at times he's just seen as a paycheck. I'm sure she loves him, but she's not in love with him. I was around during the time of two layoffs, when he was in pain, depressed, a total wreck. I endured everything, she did too but on the verge of giving up. She couldn't stand him anymore. But divorcing a guy who's unemployed and can't give you anything when you're a housewife? It just doesn't make sense, right?

By reading your story, I thought you're in love with this MM. But at the same time, it looks like there's some emotional involvement with your husband too. So it's like you're keeping up almost all aspects of both relationships, and I guess that can really mess you up. Is this MM also continuing to be intimate with his wife? If that's the case, you're putting two other people at risk of anything transmissible sexually. And keeping the 3 relationships up is also psychologically demanding. Maybe he can do it with more ease, but I know - as a woman - that it's gonna mess up your mind. There are people who are promiscuous that way and like that lifestyle, but monogamous people have a hard time with that. I am very monogamous. So 18 years with just one man and then 8 years with another man. Before all that, I had a boyfriend for less than 2 years.

Regarding being spoiled... who wouldn't like it?! But my man is quite cautious with money, so that was never really a problem. I know I don't want him to be cheap. I was raised being giving, and I'd want him to be like that too.

I live hoping there'll be a chance for us both to live our relationship in the open one day, without causing grief to anyone. But whatever happens, it's life. You never know where it is going.

Edited by justwhoiam
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