I got what I wish for but now I want more. I hate myself

[contemplatincheatin]

i'm in your situation as well.  my OM doesn't speak of his girlfriend.  

[DKT3]

I'm always amazed how often a MW comes here and makes it sound like they are making a sacrifice by having an affair and thier families are benefiting from their sacrifice. 

So many contradictions in your posts, I wont point them all out because it would be too long.

 

I think it's also some insight into what your marriage really is when you said I will never leave, then again yet another contradiction a few posts later you say you will leave when the kids are older. 

The reality is, you're all over the place and you RESPONSIBLE  behavior is actually immaturity of a 16 year old girl with all these 

[Buffer]

So BS wants you to sleep with other men?

He actively seeks out other partners if you rescues to sleep with him. Sound like a train smash only hanging around for your children to get older to leave.

so sorry for the relationship you are in.

 Buffer

[pepperbird]

On 6/1/2020 at 3:51 AM, ladyred229 said:

We both are responsible to our kids, I know is not right.. sometimes things happened.. 

op, so long as you see you life as being something that happens to you, you may well find that you are not happy because you won't feel like you are in control of your life.
You didn't just fall into an affair-you chose it. That doesn't mean you're a terrible person, but you did make some less than stellar choices. You still aren't happy.

op, what is it you are really looking for? are you really unhappy in your marriage, or you just bored or is something else going on? To begin to untangle the knots in your heart and mind, you need to start at the beginning- with yourself. You're with the time and trouble. Your husband is worth it, your kids are worth it, and even if you don't know the BS here, I don't think you feel too good about what's going on behind her back. Isn't she worth better than this too?