I think Im crazy at this point

[pcesspeach]

My baby daddy and I have a horrible relationship. I keep giving him chance after chance even though he is a serial cheater. I catch him every time and go back to him because of our son - not kidding he he probally talked to 20+ people that I know of. He slept with someone when i was 5 months pregnant.

Even before i got pregnant i knew he had a problem sexting people and caught him doing it. He said he did it because he was into trans women and wearing womens clothes and he was scared to share that with me. So i let it go and tried to explore that side of his sexuality with him - however we couldnt do much like a 3some with a trans women because i got pregnant soon after but we explored other things like pegging and womens clothes etc.

Still kept sexting other women through my pregnancy and after when our son was a few months old. Mostly trans women but other women too. I found out by finding a dating app on his phone and then even after that i made a fake profile on said app and he messaged it....after he said he would never do it again/when i caught him the first time etc.

He now went to south korea bc he is in the military. I was supposed to meet him there with our son and we were supposed to live together there and in England the next few years after. I was sent his tinder the day he got there without us by some obscure account so i broke up with him finally and put my foot down. He said he had a problem and wanted to fix it and wanted to be open with me and see a counselor etc. I said i was open to that but we werent together and i wasnt going to be until he could actually put in effort for me to trust him this time and learn to change.

All we do is fight all the time now. He said he wanted to sext me while he was there so he wouldnt sext other people so I allowed that but he stopped doing that and said he was working on himself but he wasnt going to be with other people he just needed space....that he wasnt jacking off much anyways and had alot going on with work etc. But knowing him there is no way he has gone the last few MONTHS not sexting anyone or having sex with anyone. Which he said he is doing to prove to me he wants to be faithful and wants me to do and wants to fix our relationship. 

This is where I know im crazy....I made a fake snapchat and added him. He started talking to me as this fake girl and told me a bunch about his sexual history. He also told me he had sex a few days ago and tried to start sexting me because he said he jacks off like twice a day.... I wouldnt send pictures back since it was me and he said he thought I was fake and i think he caught on but idk. I dont know if i tell him it was me and confront him and now I know. Or just tell him im finally done and dont tell him a reason and abandon the snap.

He will lie and say it was a lie to that person because he didnt know them or something, somehow try to cover it. Yet he told them (really me) about like trans women and things we had done as well.....even offered to send some of our old sex videos he had. Im just disgusted. I dont know what to do anymore. It like i like the hurt like why do i keep going back and how can he be so manipulative to me?! HELP.

Edited June 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[schlumpy]

The help you are looking for is within yourself and it is connected to one word and that word is consequences. He is not suffering any consequences for his actions and so he doesn't have to change into the man you want.

If you are not married then check into what the common law rules are for the state you live in. If he is in the military then talk with his commanding officer. There should be some help there if you can establish a connection as his common-law wife either through long-term living together or a legal marriage license.

If you have allowed yourself to remain anonymous (who needs that piece of paper, we are in love) then it could be your only available action is for child support.

Instead of taking him back and nagging him about his girl friends get a lawyer and take a more proactive stance. Set down some rules and consequences for breaking them. 

Do you have any other resources available such as his family or your family?

If you want this to stop then you have change more then he does.

[d0nnivain]

He manipulates you because you let him.  Alas you will always be tied to him through the child you share. 

If you want this to be over, you have to be done.  When you are truly willing to stop putting up with his lies & cheating you will no longer be used & you will be free.  Otherwise you remain his willing patsy.  

[pcesspeach]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

The help you are looking for is within yourself and it is connected to one word and that word is consequences. He is not suffering any consequences for his actions and so he doesn't have to change into the man you want.

If you are not married then check into what the common law rules are for the state you live in. If he is in the military then talk with his commanding officer. There should be some help there if you can establish a connection as his common-law wife either through long-term living together or a legal marriage license.

If you have allowed yourself to remain anonymous (who needs that piece of paper, we are in love) then it could be your only available action is for child support.

Instead of taking him back and nagging him about his girl friends get a lawyer and take a more proactive stance. Set down some rules and consequences for breaking them. 

Do you have any other resources available such as his family or your family?

If you want this to stop then you have change more then he does.

I couldn’t agree more about the consequences thing. As of right now though since I broke up with him and said I wasn’t going to korea his consequence is atleast not seeing his son except for his midtour (if he gets that) for the next year. And then best bet IF he fights for any custody still seeing his son very seldom the next three years after that while he is in England because our son is so young (7 months old right now and he went to korea when he was 4 months). .....so that’s why I thought he might change in korea. He also now gives me $600 a month for “child support” so that’s a “consequence” of his actions as well.
 

We have only been together maybe two years so no common law anything. I also am not really a “resident” of any state right now either. We were together/my son was born in New Mexico. We ended our lease and the military sent some of our stuff to korea/packed up most of it for storage for England and we took a car load to move to GA for a month where I was to live with his family while he found us a place in korea. I couldn’t go now with COVID of course anyways. When I found out about his tinder when he got to korea I Immediately packed two suitcases of my stuff in GA and flew to California with my son who was 4 mo old at the time. We have been living with my aunt the past 3 months now.as covid plays out so I have time to find a place. My parents have passed away and this is the closest relative I have. HIs parents are divorced and his mom is totally in my side and wants me to live with her but it’s literally this small ass town where he grew up and I just don’t want to be associated with that anymore. His dad is just like him like literally has been married 6+ times and I do t like him and we don’t talk much bc he is in his sons side. I tolerate him to send pics of his grandson when he asks. 
 

I literally feel stuck. I know I need to make a drastic change. I’m trying to find a place and job out here....Do I just stop communicating with him/tell him nvm absolutely no chance. Like what do I do now from here with this new snapchat evidence to make a real stand this time????? As I said too he sends us money so do I am still go for child support?

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH IN ADVANCE 

Edited June 1, 2020 by pcesspeach

[pcesspeach]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He manipulates you because you let him.  Alas you will always be tied to him through the child you share. 

If you want this to be over, you have to be done.  When you are truly willing to stop putting up with his lies & cheating you will no longer be used & you will be free.  Otherwise you remain his willing patsy.  

I thought breaking. Up with him when he went to korea would be enough for him to know I was done putting up with him...but I guess not since I left it open for him to change and “get us back”. 
 

So how do I go from here to really show I am done and put my foot down? Do I expose the snapchat? Or just say I am done you are not doing g what you say and I know it?? I am in the midst of finding a place to live in California right now as well so I think th ay will help show I am serious I guess? 

[schlumpy]

3 minutes ago, pcesspeach said:

I literally feel stuck. I know I need to make a drastic change. I’m trying to find a place and job out here....Do I just stop communicating with him/tell him nvm absolutely no chance. Like what do I do now from here with this new snapchat evidence to make a real stand this time?????

You have little leverage and if it was just you I would advise treating it as a life lesson but the child changes everything. You will need your boy friends support and he owes it to you until you can get yourself into a stable situation.

The only status you have with him is what he wants to recognize. There is no legal binding that holds you together except for the child and that is simply a monthly payment. The only leverage you have is child support which can be used to threaten his military career if he is thinking of being a lifer and how much he wants to be in his child's life. The military will help you with this but there will be a lot of paper work. 

You are going to have to get out of the love fog you are in and be more practical. Make a plan every six months as to where you want to be. Keep moving forward. Set some goals and strive to make them happen.

Get that job and start looking for your own place and your own life. Look into local help with childcare but be careful. Government programs always come with strings and they also have a tendency to create a situation where become dependent. Don't let anyone or anything steal your independence. Help is OK but only as long as you need it.

Think about hospital work and attempt to get that job you need to support yourself with. Get some real training that no one can take away from you.

[d0nnivain]

13 minutes ago, pcesspeach said:

So how do I go from here to really show I am done and put my foot down? Do I expose the snapchat? Or just say I am done you are not doing g what you say and I know it?? I am in the midst of finding a place to live in California right now as well so I think th ay will help show I am serious I guess? 

You get your own place.  Then you get a lawyer & you draft a child support order, plus hammer out what you expect visitation to look like.  You have the lawyer send that document to your baby daddy.  Then you only speak to baby daddy about issues that concern your child.  Have firm, clear boundaries.  

There is no need to expose the snap chat.  There is no need to declare you are over; that is obvious.  Just hold firm in your stance that you will no longer be intimate.  Give yourself some time to heal.  When you have come to terms with who you are as an adult person, then you can set about finding a new healthy relationship

[pcesspeach]

5 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

You have little leverage and if it was just you I would advise treating it as a life lesson but the child changes everything. You will need your boy friends support and he owes it to you until you can get yourself into a stable situation.

The only status you have with him is what he wants to recognize. There is no legal binding that holds you together except for the child and that is simply a monthly payment. The only leverage you have is child support which can be used to threaten his military career if he is thinking of being a lifer and how much he wants to be in his child's life. The military will help you with this but there will be a lot of paper work. 

You are going to have to get out of the love fog you are in and be more practical. Make a plan every six months as to where you want to be. Keep moving forward. Set some goals and strive to make them happen.

Get that job and start looking for your own place and your own life. Look into local help with childcare but be careful. Government programs always come with strings and they also have a tendency to create a situation where become dependent. Don't let anyone or anything steal your independence. Help is OK but only as long as you need it.

Think about hospital work and attempt to get that job you need to support yourself with. Get some real training that no one can take away from you.

I am thankfully in an ok financial situation because when my parents passed away I was left some money. Living here my aunt will be able to watch my son if I get a part-time job. I am actively trying to move out within the month and have my own place. I plan to apply for a nursing program next spring (I actually have a BS in biology but it has gotten me no where). But until then I just have to do little part time jobs that I can find in the area to help support us for now. It is very expensive in California but I have the financial means to live here (by the only family I have for support) if I can find a job to supplement someeeee income. So thank goodness that is one thing that helps give me independence. Thank you for the 6 month goal timeline. I have so much to come up from it seems so absolutely overwhelming right now!!

When I tell him I am done all he does is threaten taking his son to England for 6 months at a time because he wants him “half the time”. Court will not allow this as he is so young. He can’t have him in korea anyways for the next year until he is 1.5 and since he left when he was so young he never established an emotional connection with him so I also highly doubt he will get any alone time in the next 4 years with him when he is out of the country. Again he doesn’t get ANY time anyways unless he goes for any custody in court, only what we agree on together. I suggested I would go out there a month of my time and he could save up leave and come to the states for a month. But he did not agree to that. And “threatened” court/custody again. But again that’s not even an option for atleast a year. I talked w/ a family court lawyer and she said since he is sending money and I’m not dependent of that and it seems to be an empty threat about custody/I’m not at danger of him taking my son across the country and away from me right now to let him do anything and see if he even really will....
 

So do I tell him about the snapchat/tell him I’m done and done contact me unless it is about his son? How do I go about posing this to him now so I don’t get manipulated. If I tell him about the snap he will say he was lying to that person/and or blow up and threaten court/custody? If I don’t tell him he will be like wtf are you talking about why are you doing this all of a sudden blah blah blah.... 

[pcesspeach]

40 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You get your own place.  Then you get a lawyer & you draft a child support order, plus hammer out what you expect visitation to look like.  You have the lawyer send that document to your baby daddy.  Then you only speak to baby daddy about issues that concern your child.  Have firm, clear boundaries.  

There is no need to expose the snap chat.  There is no need to declare you are over; that is obvious.  Just hold firm in your stance that you will no longer be intimate.  Give yourself some time to heal.  When you have come to terms with who you are as an adult person, then you can set about finding a new healthy relationship

I should be getting my place here in a couple weeks!! I am actively looking just comparing pricing right now. I was advised by a lawyer since the ball is in my court with my son and physical custody can’t be taken from me/I am not depended on his “child support” to let him go about it and see if he even does anything. See if he puts the effort into it because being over sea/our son being so young/him not putting in effort or being able to see him is in our favor.

 

 It isnt necessarily obvious that I’m over. The last conversation we had was me upset at him bc he can’t Facetime or put in any effort into seeing his son but maybe once a week. Sends me paragraphs about how he loves me and wants to be there for me etc etc but I get upset bc his actions do not show that. So his last text to me was literally “goodnight beautiful I miss y’all I promise I will try and put in more effort”. LOL so do I just not confront him/text him remotely/and just make those steps to establish myself out here? He will at some point ask me if I am “done done” and threaten having my child in England for 6 months out of the year next year. So is this where I need to get a lawyer first anyways???

 

I should add he has ALL of my belongings. He has a bunch of meaningful/expensive things from my parents in military storage to be sent to England to him in a year. I would like to get some of that back for him and him not keep if from me or destroy it when he gets it so I am trying to keep this “civil”. 

Edited June 1, 2020 by pcesspeach

[d0nnivain]

So place nice initially.  Ask for the key to the storage.  Tell him you want something in there.  Get your stuff. Then get out.  

[pcesspeach]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

So place nice initially.  Ask for the key to the storage.  Tell him you want something in there.  Get your stuff. Then get out.  

It is in “military” storage. The military hired an outside company That I don’t even know the name of and they came and packed it all up and put it in storage in New Mexico for a year. We weren’t allowed to touch anything they did it all And packed it all correctly and they will ship it to him in a year..I think it is somewhere in a warehouse not accessible until they ship it. I am in California and not in New Mexico either. I don’t believe I could gain access until it is shipped to him in England. Or he contacts the military and let me do so because it is technically his stuff under his name etc. 

Edited June 1, 2020 by pcesspeach

[Rockdad]

Threats about taking the kid(s) as he has suggested are usually Vail threats. He's in the Military and he may get moved to somewhere else. That is if he doesn't manage to get himself into trouble and discharged.  He really does not hit any high points of fatherhood material IMHO.