Difficult

[Similar]

Time and time again I felt like I had to swallow my sadness and anger to keep peace, not further conflict with my sister. And just as often, for as long as I can remember, she’s asked me why I don’t care about her (she lived abroad for an extended time and we didn’t see each other much then). I tried answering that once, figured, me trying to smooth things out and apologize wasn’t going to stop her asking me about it, if anything, I figured answering her question was the most humane thing to do after so many years.

She’s many years older than me and always felt some kind of responsibility to guide me in life, as if all other people in my/our life don’t really take life seriously. But I feel her behavior has shaped my own behavior to become pretty much opposite of hers, where she values perfection, an outward display of happiness and sees no limitations in telling people off when they don’t behave as she expects them to, wants them to, I value authenticity. 

When I was in my pre teens she told me that one of her friends, when she was a teen herself had asked her if she was a lesbian because she was single. She told me how much that hurt her. Then, a year or so later my sister asked me if I was lesbian because I was not showing much interest in boys. She seemed to have completely forgotten what she’d told me not so long ago. Not saying there’s anything wrong with being lesbian, but that for me, at the time, because of what she’d told me too, it was a hurtful thing to say. I didn’t ask her about it, just shook my head because I did not see it coming. I was just too young to have a shot at understanding her thinking.
Because of our age difference I never felt like we were in any way equal. Like I can’t tell her where she’s wrong or what she should do but she can tell me all the time. She never says sorry. She always blame me for our poor communication and never see her own part in it. As an adult I finally got to see that it’s not only our age difference, our difference in values, but it’s her overwhelming negativity that makes me scared of talking to her. She’s always found the most inappropriate times to laugh her heart out when I was in deep distress which hasn’t helped either.

The time I told her why it seemed like I didn’t care about her coincided with an upcoming celebration of a big birthday. Because she had written to me and asked for an urgent reply, which I didn’t see until it was too late, she refused to take part in any celebration of our mother. She felt the rest of the family had not shown enough interest in the planning and always let her be the one to take initiative (I think that’s somewhat of a natural result of her being a perfectionist), so she came up with silly excuses not to join us. Our mother had a good time anyway, but I started resenting her for letting her own inner drama queen destroy something that she was the first one to want anyway. So I told her, in the most gentle way I could, that she had a tendency to see and correct faults in others but never in herself.
She didn’t listen. She told me I was a horrible person and that I made her very sad and didn’t want to talk to me. I said I was sorry, but that I only wanted to answer her question. I was at the time boiling inside but didn’t let it show as usual. [I’m not saying everything she told me. It was overwhelmingly hurtful]. Maybe that’s what she needs and wants, me to act like a drama queen too? To cry and shout, behave like a child for her to see that indeed I do care!? 
I am more or less terrified of her. It’s not her just words, her dismissive glance, her calculating ways, her shallow ways. That I’ve tried to appreciate how she is, but perhaps never should have. She might give you a big beautiful cake or three and tell you to have it all, that she’s been up all night baking just for you, and she’s in no doubt its bad because she would never fail! But then as you’re taking a bite to the advanced tasteful cake, smiling big, she could very well make you feel like the smallest person on the planet because you haven’t lived up to her expectations, haven’t said or done the right things. But then, no one seems to do.

Now she’s using her children as her… mask? “X is very sad because you didn’t do Y”. I can’t force myself to display much love and care or emotion or Y at all for as soon I try, in a gentle way, I’m met by her asking me why I don’t care or her being sad or angry. Plus, I don't generally display it in the same way that she does. It's never overwhelming or very public. She doesn’t answer when I ask something, she doesn’t reply to me trying to congratulate or show interest or have a conversation. She just tells me that I don’t really care or that I'm mean and it hurts every time.

[Pumaza]

to long to read...short version?

[Happy Lemming]

I haven't talked to my sister in 25 years.  After being put down (as an adult) one too many times by her, I said "no more".   Just because she is family doesn't mean I have to like her or talk to her.

if communicating with your sister causes that much angst, just stop.  I talk to my parents, but have no desire to talk to my sister.  You are an adult no one can force you to talk to her, see her or go to a function where she will be at.

And yes my sister had a child, I haven't seen him since he was 4 years old, he is now a grown adult.  If he wants to communicate with me, my parents (his grandparents) will provide him with my contact information, but to date that has never happened. 

There is no reason to add additional sadness or stress to your life, just end all communication.