Domestic violence couples counseling with my husband

[Helmeplease]

Hi, I came across this forum while trying to find answers for a traumatic event 2 years back. 2 years back my husband called the police on me citing domestic violence, lying to the police that I slapped him. His reasoning was because I wanted to leave him and we have a 1 year old his parents advised him to do so in order to have evidence on his side to get 50% custody. The police didn't arrest me or anything as there was no proof. They gave me a warning and left. My husband said it's a tactic every man uses when a wife threatens to leave.

Of course I can't leave my husband I figured that out I have no choice he is cunning so I have to stay. I decided to stay. Fast forward to today, we are going for couples counseling tomorrow and my husband says he won't tell the counselor anything about him calling the police on me because every counselor is a mandated reporter and that the counselor will again report me. Now I no longer want to attend counseling with him but he says he will attend it by himself. Now what happens? If my husband tells the counselor about the phone call, will the police come back for me again?

[amaysngrace]

I’m sorry you’re married to such a jackass. He’s probably trying to silence you about what he did to you by instilling fear.  

If I were you I’d go tomorrow and tell the counselor exactly what he did to you a few years back and how he tried to keep you from getting counseling by making up lies to intimidate you.  

Be strong.  Stay strong.   

Edited June 1, 2020 by amaysngrace

[mark clemson]

I could be wrong about any of this, but: while they are a mandated reporter, but the incident happened 3 years ago and was already documented. Hopefully the counselor will have half a brain and be able to figure out it's already been reported. If not, I sincerely doubt the police would file a 2nd report.

[preraph]

You need to be getting a secret video recording of your husband saying these things, and don't even tell him.  Just use them in court.  

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Helmeplease said:

Of course I can't leave my husband I figured that out I have no choice he is cunning so I have to stay

No you don't have to stay with him and the fact that he is cunning is one more reason to leave.

[preraph]

If you move out, then he can no longer say you been hitting him. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can move out. What do you mean you can't leave?

You consult with a divorce attorney, read online about being married to a lying psychopath, get some kind of recording device in place when you announce you are leaving ... some people place two recording devices ... ideally video ... but audio works ... and record him lying ... Or you bring your mom or brother or whoever with you when you make the announcement. 

You are submitting to blackmail. That NEVER works. Consult with a divorce attorney (they've seen every kind of craziness and manipulation). You are not helping your child to stay. I don't say that to make you feel guilty. But ... you cannot love or even like this man. 

And no, every man does NOT do what he did. Not even close. And let's get clear. There were signs he was a psychopath before this right? (I don't mean psychopath clinically--I mean just a horrible manipulative person). This cannot be the first time he did something really mean and nasty and manipulative. You can also consult with a therapist who can help you think out a plan.

Staying and giving up ... totally not an option. Couples counseling cannot work, will not work, unless you directly tell the counselor--on day 1--what he did. If you cannot do that, then the counseling is a fraud. The counselor will sense something is wrong, but they can only work with what their clients reveal. Couples counseling can be excellent with two sincere people. Couples counseling cannot work in your situation: where you're trying to get the counseling to do the work you need to do, which is to leave and escape the clutches of this psychopath. 

Consult a therapist--your own. Consult a divorce attorney. Go visit a domestic violence center (they have experience with false allegations). The domestic violence folks can also predict how he will react to you leaving ... and thus help you strategize how to safely leave. 

 

Edited June 2, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

I could be wrong, but I don’t believe that the concept of a “mandated reporter” applies to domestic violence. The purpose of an individual being designated as a “mandated reporter” is to prevent child abuse and neglect. If a woman is abused or sexually assaulted by a man, and discloses this information to a counsellor or the police or a physician - it is still the woman’s decision whether she choses to file criminal charges. The Counsellor or physician who has been “told” this information can not disclose it to anyone, and they are not required to report it to anyone. 

Again, someone correct me if I’m wrong but I have found the following definition of a “mandated reporter” online - 
A mandated reporter is a person who, because of his or her profession, is legally required to report any suspicion of child abuse or neglect to the relevant authorities. These standards vary from state to state, but the spirit of the laws are the same; mandated reporters should notify the proper authorities in any case in which they have reason to believe that a child is being abused or neglected or that conditions exist in the home that may result in abuse or neglect.

If this counsellor was mandated to report anything, it would be her concern that your child is being raised in an unhealthy and abusive home - IF she had reason to believe that. And then, not knowing anything about the legal and child protective system in your country - the purpose of any investigation would be to determine your child’s safety in your home, not your husband safety because of one “alleged slap” or any criminal charges. I don’t know that this would be reason enough to prompt an investigation - goodness knows, I have seem some terrible homes that child protective services has declared “not a concern.” I would highly doubt that this kind of allegation would cause the counsellor to make a report to child protective services. 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like your husband is misleading you purposefully to maintain control. I think he doesn’t want you to tell the counsellor about the incident, because it will reflect poorly on him. He is using your fear to manipulate you to stay silent. 

And as has been said above, I’m sorry that you are married to this jackass. I hope you find a way to leave someday. 

Edited June 3, 2020 by BaileyB

[Blind-Sided]

On ‎6‎/‎1‎/‎2020 at 2:53 PM, preraph said:

You need to be getting a secret video recording of your husband saying these things, and don't even tell him.  Just use them in court.  

I'm 100% with that.

I was in a similar situation... but the other way around.  The exW tried to pin the abuse story on me.  SO... before she ever left the house... I started putting cameras up.  I didn't hide any of them... including the one in the living room.  I wanted proof that there was no abuse in the house (I saved months worth of video)... and I wanted to be able to see when she was coming and going... and I wanted to see if she was bringing anyone that I didn't approve of into the house as she was moving out. 

Anyway... they are cheap these days... put up a few... password protect them... and have the video saved to a computer/drive that isn't in the house.

Good luck.

Oh... and it's not a tactic "That all MEN use."    Its the tactic the CRAZY, lying people use to get their way.

[justwhoiam]

On 6/1/2020 at 4:35 PM, Helmeplease said:

my husband called the police on me citing domestic violence, lying to the police that I slapped him. ... his parents advised him to do so in order to have evidence on his side to get 50% custody.

Dear desperate wife, do you really go to bed with him every night? Are you being all lovey dovey with him? What the heck is going on there? I would fear for my life!

Anyway, why was he making sure to get 50% custody? You didn't mention what happened between you two.

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Of course I can't leave my husband I figured that out I have no choice he is cunning so I have to stay.

Why would you stay when he's ready to throw you under a bus?? How can you live a normal life with someone like that? Maybe he got hit by the shining..................

Quote

we are going for couples counseling tomorrow and my husband says he won't tell the counselor anything about him calling the police on me because every counselor is a mandated reporter and that the counselor will again report me. Now I no longer want to attend counseling with him but he says he will attend it by himself. Now what happens? If my husband tells the counselor about the phone call, will the police come back for me again?

How about you tell the counselor the truth? He reported you though that was not true just to have something written against you to use later on as a threatening weapon to keep you from leaving?!

[IndigoNight]

Your husband is a manipulative fool. You should tell the therapist that he called the police on you and why. No, you won't get reported. A manadated reporter must report child abuse, and only child abuse. You should probably try to figure out why you allow him to manipulate you. 

(My husband and I are both mandated reporters)

Edited June 10, 2020 by IndigoNight

[ShyViolet]

What do you mean you can't leave?  How in the world can you stay with someone who is holding you hostage and blackmailing you, who falsely calls the police on you?

[ExpatInItaly]

Your husband doesn't understand what a mandated reporter does and whom they are there to protect. Usually, it's minors. Not adults. Never mind the fact that this incident has already been reported, and no charges were filed. There is nothing to report that isn't already on record. 

He's just trying to scare you into not going to therapy, because he knows the therapist will quickly see right through him. A professional will tel him things he doesn't want to hear, such as that fact that he's an emotionally-abusive jerk (in so many words)

He's scared dung-less because he knows he can't manipulate and frighten a therapist the way he manipulates and frightens you.