My dad is going insane again

[CaraGrace]

My father is an old man who is not particularly good at controlling his emotions. When he throws a tantrum, even though on the smallest things/some issues that could be otherwise solved in a more peaceful and rational ways, he sometimes would becomes so emotional and angry that it looks like he would have a heart attack and he has also threathen to kill himself for several times. 

One of the regular things that would trigger his temper is when my mum do the chores not in his way, say which towel is for washing dishes and which is for wiping the table. These things are really not a big deal and I think my mum has the right to do things her way too, but my dad would always scold at her for these things. And when my mum has enough of it and chooses not to do any chores to avoid conflict, my dad would scold at her for not helping. I feel very bad for my mum for having to put up with him, because she knows if she talks back, he will only become more emotional and she really fears that he would have a heart attack.

Sometimes when it comes to issues that involve other people, the situation only gets even worse. Let's say, my mum told me that there was a time when he went to the bank with her to solve some bank account issue, and I don't know for what reason he ended up throwing tantrum at the staff. When the staff found it not possible to discuss with or explain anything to him, because he refused to listen, the staff turned to my mum and only talked to her. But this only made my dad even more furious. When my mum asked him to calm down, he thought my mum was siding with the staff and scolded at her as well. My mum just felt so embarrassed but my dad was completely out of control. 

My parents live in a residental building and today, my dad again took it to the property management office to complain about a neighbour. I didn't know about it until I received a text message from him that he wanted to protest against the management office. He said he would spend the whole night protesting outside the office and threathened that he would kill himself and leave a note writing about how he was bullied.

I called my mum to ask what happened and it was like they wanted to make a complaint against the neighbour at the office but no one came to help while he sat at the office for 4 hours. So now it becomes a complain or what he put as a "protest" against the office for not helping him, and that he said he was angry because they bullied an old man like him. I don't know what really happened in the office but from what I heard from my mum no one really bullied him, neither verbally nor physically. I think what happened was they ignored him. This is not right but I have to say I understand why they ignored him because it is not the first time he stormed the office and I believe everyone in there recognizes him and no one dares to deal with him to avoid trouble. I went to the office with him the last time he did it and I could see it on everyone's face that they tried very hard to avoid him, pretending to be busy and hoping someone else would take care of him... So I believe it's the same this time.

And late when the management officers came to knock at his door to see what they could do, he refused to let them in and kept shouting at them (I was on the phone with my mum at that time and I heard it clearly). He has also put up handwritten protest banners outside his door to shame the management office. 

I'm not saying it's a right thing for the people in the office to ignore him but I would say I understand why. I think my dad should know that he is part of the problem. But my mum and siblings think that he is too old and stubborn to accept criticism and to change, so the only thing we can do is to let him vent and calm down eventually. Today my siblings said that he was only angry at being ignored and he wanted to get the attention and care he thought he deserve, so we should just give him attention and not to say anything that trigger him even more. But I just lost words to say, I could not tell him that I support what he was doing, and also what he plans to do to the management office. He throws tantrum at people whom he is asking for help from, and always thinks he is always right and teaches people what to do. So when the people deal with the problem not in his way, even though they are really trying to help, they would still be blamed or scolded at. He can never holds a calm and rational conversation with anyone. 

I really don't know what to do and I'm sure he will keep doing this at least for this week. And the part I hate most is how he threathens to kill himself. I mean, it's not funny to use death to threathen people, and especially to your family. I remember the first time he did it I was so worried that I broke into tears not knowing what I could do. Now I don't think he would really kill himself because it's more like an emotional blackmail, but still while he's so easily triggered I cannot be sure if he would do something stupid that he would regret right away... But I just don't know.. he's like a bomb that would explode anytime... 

[ShyViolet]

Do you live with your parents?  How old are you?

I can relate to this.  I have a Dad who has had similar issues for many years, he behaves inappropriately, has had a history of having "tantrums" or breakdowns, being very verbally abusive to people.  I haven't lived with him for about 15 years, and my only way of dealing with it when he gets bad is to remove myself from the situation.  I have had to stop speaking to him for periods of time, the longest being maybe 6 months.

You are not going to change your Dad.  He is very set in his ways, I'm sure he's been like this for a long time, and no one else can force him to admit his problems or get help.  You have to refuse to engage in it, remove yourself from the situation.  Depending on how old you are, if you are living there you should work on a plan to move out.  I feel sorry for your Mom but it is also up to her to make her own decisions.

[CaraGrace]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Do you live with your parents?  How old are you?

I can relate to this.  I have a Dad who has had similar issues for many years, he behaves inappropriately, has had a history of having "tantrums" or breakdowns, being very verbally abusive to people.  I haven't lived with him for about 15 years, and my only way of dealing with it when he gets bad is to remove myself from the situation.  I have had to stop speaking to him for periods of time, the longest being maybe 6 months.

You are not going to change your Dad.  He is very set in his ways, I'm sure he's been like this for a long time, and no one else can force him to admit his problems or get help.  You have to refuse to engage in it, remove yourself from the situation.  Depending on how old you are, if you are living there you should work on a plan to move out.  I feel sorry for your Mom but it is also up to her to make her own decisions.

I'm married and I don't live with my parents, so are my 2 siblings. Yes, I don't like conflicts and always try to avoid them, and so like you said, I usually remove myself from these situations, but sometimes I just feel like I am shifting the responsibility to my siblings to take care of these things and I still feel bad. But mentally I am unable to get involved, plus in most of the cases it's my dad who makes a fuss of everything and sometimes it's embarrassing to be in a situation with him when he is overreacting and exaggerating, but he needs you to be siding with him, otherwise he would think that you help an outsider to bully him and it would just get even worse and he would say that not even his own children are caring about him and so he would rather die. I really hate these threats and emotional blackmails. But my mum is also hoping that we could help to calm him down, and she really needs help since she is the one living with him and she can't remove herself from any situations. 

But I just feel so tired of it... I am not even replying my siblings' messages regarding the updates of the situation. Yesterday my mum asked if I would go home today and I said no. But I think I just feel bad either way.

Other than these tantrums my dad is a good dad, but I can't really stand it when he goes insane and you can't reason with him. You can only calm him down by telling him that he is right. But when no one tells him that he is part of the problem, he will just go on doing these many more times...

[ShyViolet]

When my dad had a really bad mental breakdown once a few years ago, and he was very verbally abusive to me, I blocked his number and stopped speaking to him... that's what I do when he gets like that.  And he knows it.  Then I typed a two-page letter and mailed it to him.  It said that I will not tolerate his inappropriate, verbally abusive behavior, and every time it happens I will not be speaking to him.  Period.  My policy is zero tolerance.  

That time I ended up speaking to him again after maybe 6 months.  Nowadays he is on better behavior, because he knows if he gets crazy, he will not be hearing from me or speaking to me. There's literally nothing else I can do.  I have to protect myself, I refuse to allow someone else to have a negative impact on my own mental health and well being.  And most of all, I know that I cannot change him.  There is no "calming him down", he is who he is.

I feel bad for your mom and siblings who have to live with him, I really do.  But there's nothing you can do for them either.  It's up to your siblings to try and move out.  And as for your mom, well if it's really that bad, she can always leave him.  That's her choice to make.