Should I end it or give her a chance?

[Bertdaddy718]

Hi all,

 

I made a previous post here but I wanted to follow up regarding the current situation with my girlfriend.  A little bit of  background information - I am currently 29 years old and my girlfriend is 27..will be 28 in October.  We met through another friend several months after I was dumped after a 4 and a half year relationship back in the summer of 2015.  When I first met her, I was swept off my feet.  Our personalities meshed perfectly, we hung out over that summer, we got to know each other well.  As I lived in New York City  while going to college and she lived an hour and a half north, I commuted back and fourth to see her, and despite the distance, made it work.  She really was something that swept me off my feet, and I really wanted her badly.

 

After getting to know her in 2015, in December of that year, I asked her out and officially made her my girlfriend.  While I did get out of another relationship 6 or 7 months earlier, I made her my girlfriend because I saw something good and did not want to sit on it, on someone I genuinely, truly, liked. 

We got to know each other well, meshed together well, had great sex, went out a lot of places together, and did a lot together.  I got into a horrible crash driving several days after my 25th birthday in 2016.  I had developed a bit of an alcohol problem from partying too hard, and unfortunately alcohol was the cause of this crash.  Despite me crashing my car literally under the influence, she jumped into action, and hid certain things which prevented me from getting a DWI, albeit I got a broken up and needed an 8 hour surgery to put my hip back together at age 25.  It was hell that summer, and she stood by me throughout it and helped nurse me back to health.  This alone while teaching me a serious lesson about the path I was headed down, showed me that she was committed, and a true keeper, that despite my BS, she was there for my side throughout it all.

Fast forward two months, I was on crutches.  One day, while she was at work while I was recovering staying the day at her parents house, my alcohol problem continued to spiral out of control.    I took an uber to a bar, got loaded the entire day, and then she ended up meeting me at the end of the day.  She was angry I was out drinking again, despite all the stuff that I went through and we got into a terrible argument.  I dont remember the entire incident, but it ended me saying some verbally bad things, to which she dumped me on the spot, and left me stranded in a parking center 45 miles away from my home.  Distraught, shocked, and really upset, I somehow got a cab home and that was the end of the relationship.

 

During this time broken up, I felt horrible.  I missed her terribly.  She was my friend, my lover, someone who helped me navigate through some of the roughest patches of my life, and I really did feel unhappy.  I went on dates with some women, but never really found anything too "great" out there to be completely honest.  I dated one girl for several months, which was medicore at best.  I was not happy in that dating scenario, thankfully I did not make her my friend, we were just dating.

 

Fast forward now to six months after, March 2017 I reached out to my ex girlfriend on Instagram.  I apologized for my conduct, aware of what I was doing, my drinking finally under control. I wanted to finish college to get my computer engineering degree which was taking so long due to issues in my personal life and lack of focus.  Long story short, I started coming up to see her again, and we hung out for few months.  After a few months, us both agreeing breaking up in the first place was a mistake, we reuntited.  It felt so good to have her as my girlfriend again.

 

Fast forward now to June 2018, I was graduating college, and luckily unlike many other of my peers, found a job almost instantly after graduating college.  With my job closer to her home than my parents home, I unofficially moved in, jumped and moved into her place with her after I started working at my first job.  It is now June of 2020, and I cant believe I have been living here for almost two years now.  Time has flown by, and now at this point we have been together just over 4 years if you add up all the time we have spent together.

 

There are a few issues.  Firstly, I love her very much, I care about her deeply, she has helped me grow as a man, see my faults, get a job, and get my life in order.  She has shown me whats its like to be an adult, how to get though whatever struggles are thrown my way in life, and she has always been there for me.  I hope also, that she feels I have been there for her, no matter what is going on in life.

 

Just over four years into the relationship, despite me loving her, there are some things that are bothering me.  Firstly, she has never been stick thin, and that's been OK with me.    She got a lap band when she was 16 years old (so weight has been a lifelong issue it seems).    While she wasn't skinny when I first met her, I could tolerate how she looked.  Recently, she has gained around 50 pounds I would estimate since I moved into this apartment with her two years ago.  This does bother me, because despite the fact that I love her, she looked one way when I met her, and now its gotten to a point where she has some "rolls" on her back, which bothers me.  I know looks is not everything.  I have done everything I can, the past six months we started going to a gym and working out together.  We have been in arguments, and I have had multiple discussions with her letting her know the weight gain has affected our relationship some, and that despite that I love her and our chemistry, it does bother me.  She is now on a "diet" with me (I'm 5' 10' 200 pounds, I'm not saying I am rock solid or perfect myself, and I am working on losing weight myself).  But I am scared.  I am 29 years old, I know I am not getting any younger.  There are some other things that bother me also.  Sometimes she can make cuoy or smug comments, that can kind of bother me.  I spoke to her about this also, and shes been better as of recently, but we have gone back and fourth a lot over weight.  There is another thing also, again I really care about her, love her, like her, I still think shes pretty, but I'm now into this relationship for four years.  The lease is about up on the apartment, and she has actively started looking at other/new apartments in adifferent area.  My name is currently not on this lease, so if I want to get out, now is probably the time to do so.

 

The weight bothers me, but she is a very nice girl, and has proven herself to be beyond loyal to me.  I feel terrible because here she is, she has welcomed me open arms into her life.  She let me move in here, not pay any rent for a while (I now pay 55 she pays 45 percent).  This girl has been with me throughout thick and thin.  I may never find a girl as loyal as her ever again.  I guess in all honesty - and some of you may slap me for saying this, but in all honesty, the weight kind of is bothering me.  She is working on it, and I can work on that, but my worry now is being with someone who has this issue for life.  

I have been wondering what it must be like to date other women at this age, and what else is out there.  I dont know if this is a good sign - in fact I know its not.  I am still committed to my girlfriend, I have NOT cheated on her. The thing is, we have already broken up once before, and she is going to be expecting a ring in another year or so I would presume with everything.  It kind of feels time to either keep her and be committed to her, or just dump her and start over.  But I am worried I may never find someone who is this committed to me ever again.

 

I dont know how I got into the current scenario I am in, but I recognize its my fault. We've been in a serious relationship for just over four years now.  I love her greatly.  I ask myself, if she lost weight, would I like her more now?  The answer is probably yes.  

 

I want to be clear, I still view her as sexy.  We still have a great connection.  Our relationship is basically set up such that she would know what I am thinking without having to ask me.  She gets me and I get her.  We have strong, deep, personal chemistry.  I still get butterflies when I hold her in my arms.  It just feels that, we have been together a while, of course the weight is a thing, I guess its that and that we have been together for so long, and with COVID, its no longer like we are going out and actually doing anything, since everything is basically still closed.

 

Here I am wondering what it might be like to be with another girl, should I dump her, or should I shut up and stay with her and be loyal?  Is it normal for things to feel they have "died down" a bit after being together for so long?  The spark is still there, but I feel more that I love her than perhaps I am in love with her.  But I could be wrong also.    There is also a possibility that if we go out more after this whole covid crisis is over, I may feel like I used to.  Basically, her weight and our arguments with her smug remarks.  I feel my feelings have died down a bit.  I still like her and have feelings for her.  The thought of her with another man sickens me.  And if I want to make her my wife, she sure would be.  

We have almost the same values so we check off in that department.  We were both raised very similarly, and we both greatly care about each other.  My best friend who is single tells me I should be single to see what else is out there, and that if I don't I'm "cheating myself" as I have basically almost never been single, and in two back to back relationships since the age of 20.  I'm sure this thinking might be part of the reasoning why I am questioning things a bit.

But the thing is, me questioning this over her weight, the arguments we have had recently, me thinking about what it would be like if I was single and could date who ever, when ever, makes me question if I am cut out for this at this point in my life.    I am coming here for support and help, as I've basically said to my self, I should weigh this out honestly to myself internally a few more weeks, and if I'm still having doubts, probably a good time to dump her before we go into July and taint the entire summer.   In your view, am I having "fatigue" that is associated with being in a relationship and moving into a place with a partner for this long, or am I best off dumping her?  I typed this out the most accurate way I could.  Any advice is greatly appreciated.  I know if I break up with her, that this is over forever, and I may lose something good that I may never be able to get back.  What would you guys do if you were me?  On one hand, I dont want to waste her time, as she truly is a fantastic girl.  On the other hand, I don't want to be in a situation where I "cheat" myself, and wish 10 years from now that I saw what else was out there.  It seems like I  am at an important and critical crossroads where I can either settle down, or end this now and be single for a few years and date around.  I am a 29 year old man, now out of college for two years.  Is this normal - what in the hell is going on with me?  I feel like maybe I'm growing up and at a crossroads and at a point where I have to make important decisions.  Is there any real problem here?  Or is it just me?

Edited June 1, 2020 by Bertdaddy718

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

There's way too much detail in your effort here...

 

but lets make use of some of it:

 

By any chance, IS THERE an alcoholic in her immediate family????  (parents, siblings, maaaaaaaaaaybe even a grandparent who was nearby to her world)

 

And you state that she has perhaps gained 50 pounds since you moved in  2 years ago.

 

Had that been a steady increase, we would quickly guess that the central factor in that was you, somehow.

 

However, if she weighed the same on your move-in day that she did...  6 months ago (Dec. 1, 2019)... and only then  gained the 50 pounds... we'd have to keep searching for clues.

 

Of course you're going to look pretty bad if you just dump her over 50 pounds...     but it would be helpful to figure out just what moment/factor in life altered her outlook to where she just happened to gain 50 pounds.

Similarly, it would be helpful on all sides to understand whether there is an alcoholic in her immediate family.

 

 

[Bertdaddy718]

No alcoholic in her family thankfully...immediate or extended.   Weight has been an up and down issue with her most of her life, so much so that she got a lap band put in at age 16 by her parents.  She has been up and down then.  Right when she got out of college is when I met her, she was smoking to me back then.  I think the weight gain was associated with a stressful job at the time, and us being cooked up in this apartment, being more comfortable with ourselves.  I tend to lose weight faster than she does, and to be fair, she went from a relatively healthy diet to unhealthy one in part because of me with me liking italian food and all this other junk.  We've been better as of late, but this is just some info

Edited June 1, 2020 by Bertdaddy718

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

GOOD to know that there is no alcoholic in her family...   (the line of reasoning being to wonder if she had been made to 'rehearse' the "caretaker" role, and then is replicating that with you)...

 

so my sense of you is helped by that tangent factor.

 

Dang...   I bet your words are ever so true, about your own likes having had an adverse effect on her diet...

BUT I shudder to imagine myself in a situation where my own food interests were having such an impact on somebody I lived with and loved.   (it would be challenging ... and NOT exactly because I love food so much... rather...  I'm all about convenience )

 

Generally speaking... what is her mother's weight like?    (I was reading recently that no matter all sorts of other stuff...  your own mother's weight will have a greater impact on your own weight than any other factor)

 

Don't discount the chance that COVID is primarily the culprit...  where IF (lots of the usual options) were available to you in the present, you would be out moving around more... and helping SOME of the concern.

 

Nor should you forget that this isn't a pass/fail over 50 pounds...       if something came to you and told you that she would weigh  32 pounds less than she does now, for all eternity...  then that would seemingly be good enough.

 

Lots of people are presently inspired to be walking around their own neighborhoods much more than they ever did... so maybe there is something along those lines you can do together to at least get into a comfortable habit (of moving around a good deal, together)... for when the Covid world eventually re-opens.

 

 

[schlumpy]

You can't be in love with her if her weight is this big a deal. If your main concern was her health then ok but in my opinion you didn't do her any favors by contacting her again.

I feel so sorry for her.

[FMW]

From what you've written I think it's likely she's going to be battling extra weight her entire life.  You're not doing either of you any favors by staying with her when you feel so critical of that aspect of her.  

You are expressing way too many doubts about her.  Don't hold on to her just  in case you don't find someone you like better. If you truly care about her you wouldn't put her in that position.