Still not over her after almost 2 years/Depressed/What do I do?

[R88]

To whom it may concern,

I need some help and advice. Apologies in advance for the long message, I'm just a very thorough person. I have a lot on my mind.

I’m a 31 year old British music graduate form South-East England. I pretty much spent all of my twenties intentionally single due to a number of things; I’d had girlfriends before then but I was insecure and anxious about the fact that I don’t come from a lucrative background. For lack of a better term, my family are quite poor - my Dad is disabled and my Mum is his carer so they live on disability benefits. I’ve occasionally had to lend them money which is somewhat unusual and through fear of this, I felt that having a girlfriend wouldn’t work - how could I ever spoil a girlfriend or treat her to nice things if that was my personal situation? Added to which, when I left school I decided to study music as a career. I achieved a diploma and degree in music production, and after this I began working in the industry. All jobs I had were basic standard wage and I never earned really well. However, I felt I had a prominent creative streak that I needed to pursue and felt that if I could get to where I wanted to be with music and creative/artistic expression, then I’d eventually be satisfied with my life and satisfied and happy enough to begin making someone else happy.

Then, in 2016 I met a girl. She’s from Australia but we matched online at the start of the year as she was leaving a trip to Ireland. Even though she lived on the other side of the world, we stayed in contact and talked a lot. She quickly began to develop an interest in me and eventually she decided to tell me that she had started to fall in love with me. I couldn’t believe someone like this was into me - she’s an international fashion model but extremely down to earth and never big-headed. She had a great sense of humour and was studying a masters in law. She’s from a very academic and successful background too  - someone like this was from a whole different world to me and I couldn’t believe it. I explained to her my apprehension having someone like her like me and she explained she’d had it before - insecure guys that eventually left her because they were worried she’d get bored. But she was always committed. This is where I messed up - right then and there I should have let my guard down. She eventually came back to the U.K. for a couple of weeks later that year and I took a week off of work to spend time with her. We had a great time and she then expressed interest in a long-distance relationship with me. I can’t remember if I explained it properly but I was worried it wouldn’t work - I didn’t earn well, I was always, always broke with issues with debt and finances and if we were in a long distance relationship, I was afraid it would be too one-sided as she’d always be paying to travel and come and see me and not the other way around. She decided to carry on seeing me casually as she still liked me. Even though I had all of these insecurities, she didn’t care - she just liked me for me.

We continued talking and she came back to the U.K. the following year. She stayed with me and met my friends and family. Again, she expressed interest in a relationship but by this point, my anxiety and depression and worsened. I was struggling financially more than ever, I kept failing driving tests as I was having constant panic attacks on the ones that I could even afford. I wasn’t happy with my career - I couldn’t afford any of the things I needed to make music which I knew would start to improve my career satisfaction if I could - all of this was eclipsing the feelings I had for her. It had begun to take a hold of me. I knew she was probably dating and seeing other people back at her home in Australia but I never asked about it as it wasn’t my business if I was too insecure to commit to her in the first place. I was lucky that she still wanted to be friends that slept together. In hindsight, I was extremely selfish and kind of pathetic. I should have realised that just letting someone like her in would probably give me the happiness I was seeking in the first place.

She eventually went back home and we continued talking for the rest of the year as usual.

Then in 2018, she came to the U.K. again for about nine months - this is when everything got worse and changed completely.

She stayed with me for about a month - she was happy to be there with me and was grateful I was taking care of her, feeding her etc. However, I was in an even worse place; I was on a lot of medication, I was depressed and I was having mood swings. I had finally started to make my own music but it wasn’t turning out the way I wanted and I was frustrated with myself completely in every which way. I suggested that it was probably a good idea if she found a room somewhere else while I figured things out. So she left but we would see each other on the odd day when we were both free.

The one day it hit me - while she had gone to see family in Vienna, it just suddenly hit me - what the hell had I been doing!? There was this amazing girl that LIKED ME. And she had done for about two years at this point and I had my guard up for what? Because I felt I wasn’t good enough?/? I had been such a fool.

When she came back we had a big talk over dinner one night. I told her I had a mistake and that I always had feelings for her, I just had other silly things getting in the way of committing. And I asked her if she’d want to being pursuing something more serious like she had wanted and try and make it work. She was extremely touched but wasn’t sure how it would work because she was in the running for being offered a great job at a law firm in Australia when she got back. I suggested how about I come to Australia on a work visa to see her as she had always encouraged me to travel more if I could. She said that sounded like a good idea and she’d be really proud of me if I did that. So that was what I was going to do; after she had left, I was going to move back in with my parents, go cold turkey on my meds, save some money up and move to Australia for year to work and hopefully reconnect with her properly. We decided to continue hanging out until she went and things were more or less MORE than platonic. Until one evening, we were laying in bed together and she admitted that she had begun seeing other people and there was one guy that she had seen more than once. I couldn’t really blame her - I’d shut her out due to my insecurities - but I was lucky to still have her in my life. I asked her about the guy and she said he was a doctor. She then told me not to worry about it as he had said something to her on their last date that had annoyed her. So I didn’t worry. For a while. Then along with my knowledge that I had shut her out when I could have had her, combined with my anxiety and depression as well as a realisation that I was probably losing her to other people, i became increasingly desperate and less like myself and started fighting to hold onto her. This obviously just drove her farther and farther away into the arms of someone else. Eventually she left the U.K. for a month to attend a wedding in Australia. While there we were still talking and said that she had still been talking to the doctor but wanted to catch up with me when she got back and asked if she could stay with me when she returned. I approached a sense of realism and told her that that wasn’t probably such a good idea. If I had realised my feelings too late and they weren’t reciprocated, then it probably wasn’t going to be good for my mental health if she stayed with me, especially as she was seeing someone else. A couple of my friends told me that it sounded like she was taking advantage of me by keeping me around in her life so she would have a place to stay in the U.K. even though she had started seeing other people. I told her this and she panicked and kept messaging me while I took trip for myself to clear my head. I then changed my mind as I wanted to do the right thing and help her and said she could stay with me if she wanted. Especially given I had shut her out in the first place. But it was too late. She returned to the U.K. after meeting the new guy for a holiday in Vienna on the way. I was out of the picture pretty much. Although, when she got back to the U.K., she said she wanted to catch up with me over dinner on the night before my birthday. We were due to meet and then she messaged me and said she was sorry but she couldn’t meet as her “boyfriend didn’t want her to”. I was crushed. She was now in a relationship with him and staying with him on the other side of London. She messaged me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday and apologised for “throwing me around”. She then said she still wanted to meet me and a week or so later, met me for a drink when her boyfriend was out of the country. This struck me as weird but I was obviously still into her so I wanted to see her. We met up and it was pleasant. I told her I regretted the decisions I had made and I missed the more sentimental, intimate moments we had. She began to cry. I felt bad but that signalled that something was possibly still there perhaps? At the end of the night, she said she was sorry but she couldn’t meet me again. I accepted it and said goodbye.

Around two weeks later, she contacted me again and said she wanted to meet me to catch up and exchange Christmas gifts. Obviously I was still keen on seeing her so I went. We met up one more time after that - I took her to see an old historic town for Christmas shopping and we had a good day. She said that she still wanted to be friends and that I was still “important to her”. I told her that even though she feels like this now, give or take a few months she wouldn’t even think of seeing me, let alone talk to me due to someone else in her life now. She disagreed and I failed to get her to see otherwise. She said she wanted to see me before she left for Australia as she wanted to discuss showing me around Melbourne when I arrived. I didn’t really say anything apart from “okay”. We never met up again and she left the country a few months later.

2019 rolled around and a couple of months later, she messaged me out of the blue and asked for an update on how I was and everything. I was late getting back to her - she read the response and never responded. My response was a normal one and a general update but I was concerned I had grossly upset her or something as there was no counter-response, even though she’d read mine. I didn’t want to push my luck so i just left it.

A short while afterward, she’d begun to upload pictures online of herself and her boyfriend on a luxury holiday abroad. I was even more crushed. The guy is a doctor of medicine, in great shape, knows more than one language, obviously intelligent and successful and pretty much everything I wasn’t. Not only that but he was a very prominent doctor and had a huge online following due to having saved many lives and being an expert in his profession. He was everything I wasn’t. I’m just a broke musician with issues of insecurity, anxiety and depression with a pathetic music project that nobody else cares about but myself. Due to this comparison, I had begun to doubt myself, my abilities and choice of career. I was doing everything wrong and I couldn’t’ remember the last time I was truly happy or content.

A few months later I’d quit my job and moved to Melbourne to begin working and sightseeing. I was generally happy to be doing something different with myself and meeting other musicians, making friends etc. She found out I was there but never contacted. A couple of weeks later it was eating away at me and bothered me that someone out there who was close to me once might disliked me or have a problem with me. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t, I contacted her and asked if we were okay. She responded with “oh my god, just act normal and ask me out for a coffee or something”. So we agreed to meet for a coffee and catch up. Within ten minutes, she messaged me again and had changed her mind again and said she respected her boyfriend too much to get coffee with me. I told her that I told her in 2018 that this would eventually happen even though she disagreed. She said she couldn’t really remember anything with us from 2018 and was sorry but she couldn’t meet up with me. I completely understood and she said she’d see me at a mutual friend’s party in a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks later the day of the party arrives and its cancelled. She messages me asking if I know why it’s cancelled and I say I don’t know. She then says its a shame as she was looking forward to seeing everyone. She then asked me how I was and if I wanted to meet her for some food as she wanted to thank me for letting her stay with me and feeding her in 2018. I was understandably quite confused as she said she didn’t remember anything from 2018 and was so against meeting me because she had a boyfriend now. I said I thought my confusion was justified and she responded with that she was just trying to do something nice. I was interested to see how she was so naturally I agreed. However, we couldn’t pencil anything in until another month or so. Over the next month, she began uploading pictures of her and her boyfriend on another trip. Something just wasn’t sitting right with me - if she was so against meeting up with me multiple times and still obviously quite happy with her boyfriend, why did she all of a sudden change her mind and want to meet me? I decided to message her and ask if she was really sure as I was just expecting her to change her mind again and I didn’t think she should do something she might regret. She eventually responded with “I think this back and forth is silly and I don’t think we can be friends at this stage”. I said we don’t have to meet or anything but I’d still like to maintain  friendship and make sure we’re okay. She read it and never responded. Based on that, I felt it was perhaps best to sever all ties with her online and just try and move on. But things got even worse for me personally. I spent Christmas in a foreign country all by myself, I fell victim to fraud in the U.K. and struggled to hold down a job in Australia which has now put me in four grand of debt and absolutely shredded my credit rating back here at home. I then got into a relationship with a different girl in Australia who turned out to be quite aggressive toward me when she wasn’t sober. I was having the worst time of my life. Eventually I made the decision to leave Australia and come home early as my Mum was ill and the Covid-19 pandemic had started to spread and I didn’t want to miss flights when the borders were closed and get stranded with no money. Shortly before I left, I decided to add the girl this was all about online again and try and patch things up with her. I messaged her and asked her how she was and if she possibly wanted to meet for that coffee before I left. She was very aloof, only responded with single sentences and avoided everything I was saying. So I just said I wanted to say hi, make we were okay and then I came home at the end of March. I know with her that it was of course, initially my fault - but I can’t help feeling that there was some sort of overlap with me and someone else with her. She was so sure she still wanted to be part of my life, that even though I was pragmatic about what would eventually happen, I was still in love with her too much to not want to spend time with her. There was no definitive endpoint and I don’t think I ever got proper closure. It’s been about a year and half since the last time I saw her and I think about all of this EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I know its not good for me.

Now I’m home, almost 32, living with my parents, in loads of debt, with no job due to the lockdown/pandemic and completely miserable. I’d pushed away the one girl that could have made me happy and I replaced myself with a health hero that’s now her boyfriend. I have no money, I’m depressed, my career is not at all the way I want it to be and to make matters worse, I just seem to be plagued with bad luck.

I apologise for the long, thorough post - I’m sure you can tell that part of my problem is that I overthink things a lot. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy or content and I don’t know what to do anymore. Please, please help me.

[capacity83]

Hi mate

First things first.. you NEED to get ur life sorted. Maybe the music career isnt working out for you.  Get a proper job, hold the job down, work hard and be financially secured. Your 32 and i assume this girl is around the same age as you. Women this age are "realistic" and that love prevails over money only happens when you're at uni or in your teenage years. Im not saying money is the almighty component to an successful relationship but it is an important aspect to marriage/kids and a "future". At least when you're financially secured, next time when love comes around, you're ready for it. 

Personally, i would say this girl likes you but does not love you and what happened between  you two  was a thing of the past, a moment or the right timing because If she did truly love you, she would be with you no matter what. But in saying that, what happened between you and her isnt really about YOU. Its not about your anxiety nor depression nor how you dealt with the relationship which pushed her away as you believed it. It's about HER and what she wants. It's simple really. She chose the doctor over you because he has status and she could show her family and friends that she is dating this spectacular guy. On the other hand, i dont think she would have introduced you to her family or friends. Given that she chose the doctor over you also means he can provide financially, takes her on luxury holidays etc which also means she likes that lifestyle of being provided for which you cant do.  

The other issue is that you were never in a committed "relationship". To me it appeared to be more of a casual/open relationship which she comes to you when she's alone/lonely, for sex, for someone to "hang out" with. Perhaps you two got along well in terms of communication and you may have traits that she is attracted to at "that particular time". When you said she's probably also seeing other people at the same time during the time of your relationship, i'd say she definitely is banging/seeing a lot of other dudes. i mean comeon mate! you met online and started having sex. Imagine how many other blokes out she's talked to online and did the same. I am almost positive that she's seeing at least 3 or 4 other dudes online (long distance) and probably a few more back home in Australia. i mean ask yourself this, when you're spending time with her, does she go away texting/calling most of the time?. it's a pretty sure sign. In addition, if shes a fashion model and a lawyer, she's a pretty desirable woman and you my friend.. are a long way to getting in a fully committed relationship with her. 

As for closure, i think you already got all your answers you need from her responses. Mate, you need to accept reality in that YOU think she may be the one true love for you but consider this, do you think you are the right one for HER? I think it's the answer is pretty obvious.  

Mate, there's many many many gorgeous women out there. Yes i do agree it's true that you may always "hold a special place in your heart" for one person in our lives as i did too. However, i've come to realise that it doesnt work one-sided. I've also ask the same question above. Am i the right one for HER?

You need to let her go. Dont compare her with other women you are about to be with because that's not fair. Every women have their strengths and weaknesses as do we men.  To me, it appears you're lazy and got too used to being in this "bubble". Do you know how many wealthy people in this world start off with nothing and were in the same position or if not worse off than you? Some people work two jobs and 80 hour weeks just to survive. Your family needs your financial support so help them first because they should be your priority and not some fashion model/lawyer who flakes you all the time and will not even visit you while you are in her home country!! This also says a lot. 

Personally i think your friends are incorrect in saying she is using you for a place to stay in the UK. She wouldn't bang you if she didnt like you. But you see, liking and loving someone are not the same. Like i said, maybe at the time she liked you for your music traits and your looks, but you are to her an OPTION, something desirable at the time which now no longer is required in her life going forward. You are simply just not marriage material to her. 

Lastly, dont blame yourself for how things turned out between the two of you. To me personally, i wouldnt even talk to her again. Take your time, take care of your family and yourself FIRST. Then perhaps find love once you've sorted your life out. 

Peace out.

 

 

[Fox Sake]

Hi brother  

I understand you.  

There’s no point in going over your ex or her qualities, or lack there of. Quite frankly - you can do better. Remember this. It goes for everyone else in a dark place

6 hours ago, R88 said:

To whom it may concern,

I need some help and advice. Apologies in advance for the long message, I'm just a very thorough person. I have a lot on my mind.

I’m a 31 year old British music graduate form South-East England. I pretty much spent all of my twenties intentionally single due to a number of things; I’d had girlfriends before then but I was insecure and anxious about the fact that I don’t come from a lucrative background. For lack of a better term, my family are quite poor - my Dad is disabled and my Mum is his carer so they live on disability benefits. I’ve occasionally had to lend them money which is somewhat unusual and through fear of this, I felt that having a girlfriend wouldn’t work - how could I ever spoil a girlfriend or treat her to nice things if that was my personal situation? Added to which, when I left school I decided to study music as a career. I achieved a diploma and degree in music production, and after this I began working in the industry. All jobs I had were basic standard wage and I never earned really well. However, I felt I had a prominent creative streak that I needed to pursue and felt that if I could get to where I wanted to be with music and creative/artistic expression, then I’d eventually be satisfied with my life and satisfied and happy enough to begin making someone else happy.

Then, in 2016 I met a girl. She’s from Australia but we matched online at the start of the year as she was leaving a trip to Ireland. Even though she lived on the other side of the world, we stayed in contact and talked a lot. She quickly began to develop an interest in me and eventually she decided to tell me that she had started to fall in love with me. I couldn’t believe someone like this was into me - she’s an international fashion model but extremely down to earth and never big-headed. She had a great sense of humour and was studying a masters in law. She’s from a very academic and successful background too  - someone like this was from a whole different world to me and I couldn’t believe it. I explained to her my apprehension having someone like her like me and she explained she’d had it before - insecure guys that eventually left her because they were worried she’d get bored. But she was always committed. This is where I messed up - right then and there I should have let my guard down. She eventually came back to the U.K. for a couple of weeks later that year and I took a week off of work to spend time with her. We had a great time and she then expressed interest in a long-distance relationship with me. I can’t remember if I explained it properly but I was worried it wouldn’t work - I didn’t earn well, I was always, always broke with issues with debt and finances and if we were in a long distance relationship, I was afraid it would be too one-sided as she’d always be paying to travel and come and see me and not the other way around. She decided to carry on seeing me casually as she still liked me. Even though I had all of these insecurities, she didn’t care - she just liked me for me.

We continued talking and she came back to the U.K. the following year. She stayed with me and met my friends and family. Again, she expressed interest in a relationship but by this point, my anxiety and depression and worsened. I was struggling financially more than ever, I kept failing driving tests as I was having constant panic attacks on the ones that I could even afford. I wasn’t happy with my career - I couldn’t afford any of the things I needed to make music which I knew would start to improve my career satisfaction if I could - all of this was eclipsing the feelings I had for her. It had begun to take a hold of me. I knew she was probably dating and seeing other people back at her home in Australia but I never asked about it as it wasn’t my business if I was too insecure to commit to her in the first place. I was lucky that she still wanted to be friends that slept together. In hindsight, I was extremely selfish and kind of pathetic. I should have realised that just letting someone like her in would probably give me the happiness I was seeking in the first place.

She eventually went back home and we continued talking for the rest of the year as usual.

Then in 2018, she came to the U.K. again for about nine months - this is when everything got worse and changed completely.

She stayed with me for about a month - she was happy to be there with me and was grateful I was taking care of her, feeding her etc. However, I was in an even worse place; I was on a lot of medication, I was depressed and I was having mood swings. I had finally started to make my own music but it wasn’t turning out the way I wanted and I was frustrated with myself completely in every which way. I suggested that it was probably a good idea if she found a room somewhere else while I figured things out. So she left but we would see each other on the odd day when we were both free.

The one day it hit me - while she had gone to see family in Vienna, it just suddenly hit me - what the hell had I been doing!? There was this amazing girl that LIKED ME. And she had done for about two years at this point and I had my guard up for what? Because I felt I wasn’t good enough?/? I had been such a fool.

When she came back we had a big talk over dinner one night. I told her I had a mistake and that I always had feelings for her, I just had other silly things getting in the way of committing. And I asked her if she’d want to being pursuing something more serious like she had wanted and try and make it work. She was extremely touched but wasn’t sure how it would work because she was in the running for being offered a great job at a law firm in Australia when she got back. I suggested how about I come to Australia on a work visa to see her as she had always encouraged me to travel more if I could. She said that sounded like a good idea and she’d be really proud of me if I did that. So that was what I was going to do; after she had left, I was going to move back in with my parents, go cold turkey on my meds, save some money up and move to Australia for year to work and hopefully reconnect with her properly. We decided to continue hanging out until she went and things were more or less MORE than platonic. Until one evening, we were laying in bed together and she admitted that she had begun seeing other people and there was one guy that she had seen more than once. I couldn’t really blame her - I’d shut her out due to my insecurities - but I was lucky to still have her in my life. I asked her about the guy and she said he was a doctor. She then told me not to worry about it as he had said something to her on their last date that had annoyed her. So I didn’t worry. For a while. Then along with my knowledge that I had shut her out when I could have had her, combined with my anxiety and depression as well as a realisation that I was probably losing her to other people, i became increasingly desperate and less like myself and started fighting to hold onto her. This obviously just drove her farther and farther away into the arms of someone else. Eventually she left the U.K. for a month to attend a wedding in Australia. While there we were still talking and said that she had still been talking to the doctor but wanted to catch up with me when she got back and asked if she could stay with me when she returned. I approached a sense of realism and told her that that wasn’t probably such a good idea. If I had realised my feelings too late and they weren’t reciprocated, then it probably wasn’t going to be good for my mental health if she stayed with me, especially as she was seeing someone else. A couple of my friends told me that it sounded like she was taking advantage of me by keeping me around in her life so she would have a place to stay in the U.K. even though she had started seeing other people. I told her this and she panicked and kept messaging me while I took trip for myself to clear my head. I then changed my mind as I wanted to do the right thing and help her and said she could stay with me if she wanted. Especially given I had shut her out in the first place. But it was too late. She returned to the U.K. after meeting the new guy for a holiday in Vienna on the way. I was out of the picture pretty much. Although, when she got back to the U.K., she said she wanted to catch up with me over dinner on the night before my birthday. We were due to meet and then she messaged me and said she was sorry but she couldn’t meet as her “boyfriend didn’t want her to”. I was crushed. She was now in a relationship with him and staying with him on the other side of London. She messaged me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday and apologised for “throwing me around”. She then said she still wanted to meet me and a week or so later, met me for a drink when her boyfriend was out of the country. This struck me as weird but I was obviously still into her so I wanted to see her. We met up and it was pleasant. I told her I regretted the decisions I had made and I missed the more sentimental, intimate moments we had. She began to cry. I felt bad but that signalled that something was possibly still there perhaps? At the end of the night, she said she was sorry but she couldn’t meet me again. I accepted it and said goodbye.

Around two weeks later, she contacted me again and said she wanted to meet me to catch up and exchange Christmas gifts. Obviously I was still keen on seeing her so I went. We met up one more time after that - I took her to see an old historic town for Christmas shopping and we had a good day. She said that she still wanted to be friends and that I was still “important to her”. I told her that even though she feels like this now, give or take a few months she wouldn’t even think of seeing me, let alone talk to me due to someone else in her life now. She disagreed and I failed to get her to see otherwise. She said she wanted to see me before she left for Australia as she wanted to discuss showing me around Melbourne when I arrived. I didn’t really say anything apart from “okay”. We never met up again and she left the country a few months later.

2019 rolled around and a couple of months later, she messaged me out of the blue and asked for an update on how I was and everything. I was late getting back to her - she read the response and never responded. My response was a normal one and a general update but I was concerned I had grossly upset her or something as there was no counter-response, even though she’d read mine. I didn’t want to push my luck so i just left it.

A short while afterward, she’d begun to upload pictures online of herself and her boyfriend on a luxury holiday abroad. I was even more crushed. The guy is a doctor of medicine, in great shape, knows more than one language, obviously intelligent and successful and pretty much everything I wasn’t. Not only that but he was a very prominent doctor and had a huge online following due to having saved many lives and being an expert in his profession. He was everything I wasn’t. I’m just a broke musician with issues of insecurity, anxiety and depression with a pathetic music project that nobody else cares about but myself. Due to this comparison, I had begun to doubt myself, my abilities and choice of career. I was doing everything wrong and I couldn’t’ remember the last time I was truly happy or content.

A few months later I’d quit my job and moved to Melbourne to begin working and sightseeing. I was generally happy to be doing something different with myself and meeting other musicians, making friends etc. She found out I was there but never contacted. A couple of weeks later it was eating away at me and bothered me that someone out there who was close to me once might disliked me or have a problem with me. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t, I contacted her and asked if we were okay. She responded with “oh my god, just act normal and ask me out for a coffee or something”. So we agreed to meet for a coffee and catch up. Within ten minutes, she messaged me again and had changed her mind again and said she respected her boyfriend too much to get coffee with me. I told her that I told her in 2018 that this would eventually happen even though she disagreed. She said she couldn’t really remember anything with us from 2018 and was sorry but she couldn’t meet up with me. I completely understood and she said she’d see me at a mutual friend’s party in a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks later the day of the party arrives and its cancelled. She messages me asking if I know why it’s cancelled and I say I don’t know. She then says its a shame as she was looking forward to seeing everyone. She then asked me how I was and if I wanted to meet her for some food as she wanted to thank me for letting her stay with me and feeding her in 2018. I was understandably quite confused as she said she didn’t remember anything from 2018 and was so against meeting me because she had a boyfriend now. I said I thought my confusion was justified and she responded with that she was just trying to do something nice. I was interested to see how she was so naturally I agreed. However, we couldn’t pencil anything in until another month or so. Over the next month, she began uploading pictures of her and her boyfriend on another trip. Something just wasn’t sitting right with me - if she was so against meeting up with me multiple times and still obviously quite happy with her boyfriend, why did she all of a sudden change her mind and want to meet me? I decided to message her and ask if she was really sure as I was just expecting her to change her mind again and I didn’t think she should do something she might regret. She eventually responded with “I think this back and forth is silly and I don’t think we can be friends at this stage”. I said we don’t have to meet or anything but I’d still like to maintain  friendship and make sure we’re okay. She read it and never responded. Based on that, I felt it was perhaps best to sever all ties with her online and just try and move on. But things got even worse for me personally. I spent Christmas in a foreign country all by myself, I fell victim to fraud in the U.K. and struggled to hold down a job in Australia which has now put me in four grand of debt and absolutely shredded my credit rating back here at home. I then got into a relationship with a different girl in Australia who turned out to be quite aggressive toward me when she wasn’t sober. I was having the worst time of my life. Eventually I made the decision to leave Australia and come home early as my Mum was ill and the Covid-19 pandemic had started to spread and I didn’t want to miss flights when the borders were closed and get stranded with no money. Shortly before I left, I decided to add the girl this was all about online again and try and patch things up with her. I messaged her and asked her how she was and if she possibly wanted to meet for that coffee before I left. She was very aloof, only responded with single sentences and avoided everything I was saying. So I just said I wanted to say hi, make we were okay and then I came home at the end of March. I know with her that it was of course, initially my fault - but I can’t help feeling that there was some sort of overlap with me and someone else with her. She was so sure she still wanted to be part of my life, that even though I was pragmatic about what would eventually happen, I was still in love with her too much to not want to spend time with her. There was no definitive endpoint and I don’t think I ever got proper closure. It’s been about a year and half since the last time I saw her and I think about all of this EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I know its not good for me.

Now I’m home, almost 32, living with my parents, in loads of debt, with no job due to the lockdown/pandemic and completely miserable. I’d pushed away the one girl that could have made me happy and I replaced myself with a health hero that’s now her boyfriend. I have no money, I’m depressed, my career is not at all the way I want it to be and to make matters worse, I just seem to be plagued with bad luck.

I apologise for the long, thorough post - I’m sure you can tell that part of my problem is that I overthink things a lot. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy or content and I don’t know what to do anymore. Please, please help me.

 too.   

Right now this is about YOU and your mental health. I can only make some suggestions to help you , and all I ask is that you actually do try. 

1. Forgive yourself . Forgive yourself for feeling the way you have been and where your life has been recently up until this moment. It’s okay! 

2. Start training, if you don’t already. Physically. 
And guess what? It’s free! You don’t have to pay for it with a gym membership right now. 
You can do push ups anywhere. Wall squats , handstand push-ups, planks etc etc. 
I promise you will feel more motivated each time and you’ll start to feel better  

3. Start Training your mind.  Telling yourself affirmations. 
In order to progress with your life in any aspect , you have to heal. And to heal you have to accept.  

Tell yourself , affirm with yourself and TRULY mean it.
Say it out loud, or with truth and conviction in your mind.   
“I forgive myself” - “I can do better”- “what’s for me won’t pass me by” - “I am confident” -“ I’m excited to meet the right person” - “I love my new job” 

 ... see where I’m going with this? I can give you more If you need,  but I’m sure you can make up your own. Cos you got this, right?!   
 

4. Take a hobby and try and turn a profit out of nothing. Just for fun. Be inventive. 
This will help you to focus on your core Self confidence. Cos remember , you can literally do anything you put your mind to. I believe in you. 
 

5. This is the point where you stick your current career in the bin. And open yourself up to all the opportunities that you’ve not seen were right there. 
 

6. Always use paragraphs! 😆 remember you’re still awesome! 

Even if it means going and doing a short term job like barwork for a few weeks, just to get enough money for the ticket ...
 

... “what ticket?!”  I hear you say! 
The plane , train or bus ticket to somewhere new and exciting. I know you can do it. This life is for living and you my friend, have some amazing opportunities waiting out there for you to create and find. 
 

You  can do better , it’s time to be excited for what is just around the corner in life

Edited June 2, 2020 by Fox Sake
Making it better

[Realitysux]

33 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Hi brother  

I understand you.  

There’s no point in going over your ex or her qualities, or lack there of. Quite frankly - you can do better. Remember this. It goes for everyone else in a dark place

 too.   

Right now this is about YOU and your mental health. I can only make some suggestions to help you , and all I ask is that you actually do try. 

1. Forgive yourself . Forgive yourself for feeling the way you have been and where your life has been recently up until this moment. It’s okay! 

2. Start training, if you don’t already. Physically. 
And guess what? It’s free! You don’t have to pay for it with a gym membership right now. 
You can do push ups anywhere. Wall squats , handstand push-ups, planks etc etc. 
I promise you will feel more motivated each time and you’ll start to feel better  

3. Start Training your mind.  Telling yourself affirmations. 
In order to progress with your life in any aspect , you have to heal. And to heal you have to accept.  

Tell yourself , affirm with yourself and TRULY mean it.
Say it out loud, or with truth and conviction in your mind.   
“I forgive myself” - “I can do better”- “what’s for me won’t pass me by” - “I am confident” -“ I’m excited to meet the right person” - “I love my new job” 

 ... see where I’m going with this? I can give you more If you need,  but I’m sure you can make up your own. Cos you got this, right?!   
 

4. Take a hobby and try and turn a profit out of nothing. Just for fun. Be inventive. 
This will help you to focus on your core Self confidence. Cos remember , you can literally do anything you put your mind to. I believe in you. 
 

5. This is the point where you stick your current career in the bin. And open yourself up to all the opportunities that you’ve not seen were right there. 
 

6. Always use paragraphs! 😆 remember you’re still awesome! 

Even if it means going and doing a short term job like barwork for a few weeks, just to get enough money for the ticket ...
 

... “what ticket?!”  I hear you say! 
The plane , train or bus ticket to somewhere new and exciting. I know you can do it. This life is for living and you my friend, have some amazing opportunities waiting out there for you to create and find. 
 

You  can do better , it’s time to be excited for what is just around the corner in life

I need this advice too. I wish he flat out just told me himself but he did it through several other people and I feel so bad .. I feel awful. I need the advice too! 

[Fox Sake]

2 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I need this advice too. I wish he flat out just told me himself but he did it through several other people and I feel so bad .. I feel awful. I need the advice too! 

It’s for you too @Realitysux  

 

[TeddyBundy1993]

I relate to you buddy expect career s*** (that too is my fathers hard work)I m in your boat. Few things I'd like to tell you.  You are living in past memories,  you haven't accepted shes gone third is women make plenty of "forever yours" bulls*** when they are infatuated with someone. Technically no one else can stay forever in life in today's world. 

Now it's time to accept shes gone, I know that's painful but its truth and it wont change. It will help her go out from your memories. Dont follow her social media if its painful for you. Women as opposite of men have plenty of option as men chase women like crazy. So just know its not your fault. Moreover have faith in yourself. If not rich atleast you are a good human being. Time will change someday nothing stays forever friend. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, OP. It sounds like everything's come to a head all at once. 

You need to get off her social media, once and for all. And stop trying to be friendly with her. There is no need to "be okay" with each other.  She's someone who maybe could have been something more at one time in your life, but the actually feasibility of a real, long-term relationship with each other? It sounds like it was always rather low. You are on two different continents, with two different mentalities and approaches to life. I don't think this had had legs to the go the distance to begin with, honestly. It night have worked for a short time, but I think you would have found it difficult to sustain something more than a short-term relationship together.  

[snowcones]

Hi.  I did not read your whole post because it was rather long but I know you are hurting.  I have been in your place before. I generally take a long time to recover from a lost love (1-2 years).  I've been to a few rodeos.  A few comments:

1) Some people get over someone by getting under someone else.  You could try this.

2) If #1 is not your style or it doesn't work, then you will have to just wait it out.  I have to wait it out and know how un-fun it can be.

3) Eventually you will get tired or bored of thinking about this person or the past and your mind will start drifting other places.  It may not seem that way now, but it will happen.  And when this happens, your acute or daily pain will not be there anymore.  There will be no more pain.  I second getting off her social media, it prolongs the pain. Go no contact.

4) Don't let anyone shame you for taking a long time to get over someone, or pressure you to "hurry up".  It is what it is and you can't hurry love or pain, really.

5) Vent here if you must but don't do it too much or people will get tire of you being a broken record.

6) One day you will be happy again.

Good luck.

 

Edited June 3, 2020 by snowcones