Rebound

[SSGoku]

I was seeing someone who to me was the love of my life, when we first met she was going through a divorce. Everything went so well for us, I met her family, she met mine. We were planning on getting married next year. 
 

She was always attached to her past and always talked about it to me but in a bad way, but sometimes would tell me about good stuff her and ex husband did together which we would actually kill me but I would just listen. Even at times, would tell me how much she loved him. 

As I said, the things between me and her were amazing, I was very happy, the happiest I’ve ever been in my life to be with her and she always told me she felt the same. She would always send me a long messages telling me how blessed she felt to be with me and how she appreciated the way I loved her. We were so in love.. well atleast I thought she was in love with me. 
 

one night, she randomly started being rude towards me but again I ignored it and asked her to sleep it off. The next morning she sent me a long message again telling me how much she loved him, and said that I took advantage of her whilst she was going through her divorce and that she was weak and vulnerable and that I took advantage of that which is far from the truth because my intentions were pure from the start, if what she said was true, I woulda slept with her and walked away but I never, I planned my future with her. I had a really bad accident day after Christmas whilst on the motorway, on the way to see her. Broke my arm in 4 places and my ribs. In the message she also said that she wanted to take things slowly between us but because of my accident, our families found out about eachother but I explained to her that it was out of my control and that even when I was sat in hospital I was still protecting her and not telling my family and friends who she is because she didn’t want anyone to know at the time. I told here and there that I went through depression and was suicidal before I met and she even used that against me, I never usually spoke to her about it because for some reason I wasn’t allowed to express my sadness, only she was? 
 

I made the mistake of begging her not to leave me and that we’d work on whatever this is, she told me she always loved her ex husband and always will and that she never loved me. She carried on being verbally abusive towards me and really mean, I didn’t react and remained calm throughout it all, mainly because I was deeply hurt especially hearing her say she never loved me and always loved him, when I had my planned to share my future with her and to start a family with her. I kept saying that this isn’t her and that she’s just angry for some reason and is taking it out on me. She threatened to call the police and threatened to break my other arm lol bearing in mind, I didn’t message at all for 2 weeks, she was the one constantly messaging being horrible towards for no reason and asking for my address when she clearly knew it, to send back the gifts I had got her which was also really hurtful because I gave that to her out of love. 
 

She was saying I’m obsessed with her and that I’m a psycho whilst constantly shouting and verbally abusing me, again I didn’t react I just said who sounds like a psycho right now? Me or you? And I said the reason I was always messaging her or on the phone to her or with her over going out with my friends or playing sports or whatever, was cause she would always tell me how bad her past marriage was so I always wanted to be there for her to look after her and that to her it might be obsessive but to me that was my way of showing my love and being there for her and that all she needed was to tell me to back off a little. 
 

I’m so confused and hurt, I wish I could just talk to her to get the closure I need like two adults without her verbally abusing me and being really mean, I can’t sleep at night, I can’t think straight, everything was so perfect and then one random day every thing was gone and it’s hard to accept. I’m aware I was more than likely a rebound but knowing that, hurts even more. 
 

was I blind? 

[Dexterr]

She doesn't hate you, she hates herself. 

Let that trainwreck go.

[assertives]

You were blinded by your feelings for her and you projected how you felt onto her. From what you've written, she isn't over her husband and she was just using you as an emotional crutch. 

10 hours ago, SSGoku said:

Even at times, would tell me how much she loved him. 

She still loves him.

10 hours ago, SSGoku said:

She would always send me a long messages telling me how blessed she felt to be with me and how she appreciated the way I loved her.

This right here is a telltale sign. She isn't in love with you. She isn't over her husband.

You should just block her everywhere and try to heal and move on. She sounds crazy. The last thing you want is for her to turn around and accuse you of physically assaulting her.

Also, have you posted your story under another account before? I am reminded of another post where the details are virtually identical. In any case, you should check out that thread. There are alot of very good responses on there which could help you.

 

Edited June 2, 2020 by assertives

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, SSGoku said:

I’m so confused and hurt, I wish I could just talk to her to get the closure I need like two adults without her verbally abusing me and being really mean, I can’t sleep at night, I can’t think straight, everything was so perfect and then one random day every thing was gone and it’s hard to accept. I’m aware I was more than likely a rebound but knowing that, hurts even more. 

But that's not quite true, is it? 

She was still telling you how much she loved her ex-husband and describing the things they did together. You yourself said it killed you to hear that. Lauding the ex isn't generally part of a perfect relationship. 

So yes, I think that unfortunately you were blinding yourself (to a degree) about this woman's true investment in you. She was filling your head with some pretty words, sure, but there were red flags that you saw. It's not easy to come to terms with, I realize, but it's important to listen to your gut next time when it's warning you that something is off. 

[SSGoku]

Is it common for people to do this? 
 

im so scared to ever get in a relationship again.. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, SSGoku said:

Is it common for people to do this? 
 

im so scared to ever get in a relationship again.. 

For people who are not over their previous relationships, yes. 

You don't need to be scared. Just listen to your gut more next time and if you sense someone is still hurting for their ex, walk away. Don't just stuff down those voices that are telling you not to proceed, and hope that it still all works out. 

[SSGoku]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

For people who are not over their previous relationships, yes. 

You don't need to be scared. Just listen to your gut more next time and if you sense someone is still hurting for their ex, walk away. Don't just stuff down those voices that are telling you not to proceed, and hope that it still all works out. 

But why couldn’t she just tell me rather turning so cold towards me and literally trying to hurt me more and more. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, SSGoku said:

But why couldn’t she just tell me rather turning so cold towards me and literally trying to hurt me more and more. 

We can't answer that, honestly. This is obviously not a very rational person you're dealing with. 

But indirectly, she was telling you she wasn't over her ex: telling you she loved him and talking about the fun things they did together was your sign she wasn't over him. 

[SSGoku]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

We can't answer that, honestly. This is obviously not a very rational person you're dealing with. 

But indirectly, she was telling you she wasn't over her ex: telling you she loved him and talking about the fun things they did together was your sign she wasn't over him. 

Why would she want to be with someone who cheated on her 4 times, was never with her in hospital during her operation, never spent time with her 

I was so good to her, that’s not my ego talking either, I feel so worthless and unloveable. If I can give someone so much care and love and they could easily betray me like that, it’s so hard to accept that she ended up being that evil. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, SSGoku said:

Why would she want to be with someone who cheated on her 4 times, was never with her in hospital during her operation, never spent time with her 

Again, we can't speak for her so we won't really be able to answer that with much certainty. We can only speculate. 

She's obviously not in a very healthy emotional place if she is attached to someone like him. But it happens all the time in toxic relationships. Her self-worth is likely all tangled up with him, however incomprehensible it may seem to the objective outsider. You won't be able to make sense of it, because you're not wired the same way. 

Her wanting to be with him is not a reflection on your worth. It's a reflection of her own issues. You're running the risk of doing the same thing sh'e doing with her ex: measuring your value with someone who's not in any place to determine it. 

[SSGoku]

37 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Again, we can't speak for her so we won't really be able to answer that with much certainty. We can only speculate. 

She's obviously not in a very healthy emotional place if she is attached to someone like him. But it happens all the time in toxic relationships. Her self-worth is likely all tangled up with him, however incomprehensible it may seem to the objective outsider. You won't be able to make sense of it, because you're not wired the same way. 

Her wanting to be with him is not a reflection on your worth. It's a reflection of her own issues. You're running the risk of doing the same thing sh'e doing with her ex: measuring your value with someone who's not in any place to determine it. 

Do you think she’ll ever regret leaving me and ever come back? I know you can’t speak for her or know what’s going on in her mind but like based on the way the human mind works? The thing is after the way she’s treated me towards the end and for me to see that side of her, as much as I love her, I don’t think I can be with someone like that, it’s just the fact I’m so confused and just want to hear it from people in a calm, nice manner, to me that seems like the only way I can peacefully move on and not suffer. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, SSGoku said:

Do you think she’ll ever regret leaving me and ever come back? 

I think she is more likely to move on to someone else altogether.

I say that not because there is anything wrong with you or undesirable about you, but because you were the person she dated when she was still not in a good place. The time she spent with you would likely dredge up too many memories of the residual pain she was still feeling over her ex. To be very clear, I want to stress that it's not about you as a person, but about a time in her life she probably won't want to re-visit if she someday does in fact move on from her ex. 

Either that, or she'll wind up with someone as toxic as her ex if she doesn't manage to break that pattern. 

[SSGoku]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think she is more likely to move on to someone else altogether.

I say that not because there is anything wrong with you or undesirable about you, but because you were the person she dated when she was still not in a good place. The time she spent with you would likely dredge up too many memories of the residual pain she was still feeling over her ex. To be very clear, I want to stress that it's not about you as a person, but about a time in her life she probably won't want to re-visit if she someday does in fact move on from her ex. 

Either that, or she'll wind up with someone as toxic as her ex if she doesn't manage to break that pattern. 

😔

I lied, I’d do anything to have her back in my life. 

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, SSGoku said:

I lied, I’d do anything to have her back in my life. 

The harsh truth is that she probably felt the same way about her husband. 

He behaved badly (according to her) and she still wants him. She behaved badly, and you still want her.  It will take time to detach, but I think you'll come away with a greater understanding of why we sometimes harbour an unhealthy attachment to people who don't treat us well. 

She isn't the one you're going to build a life with. But there are a lot of lessons to be learned here, when you're ready to receive them. 

[SSGoku]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The harsh truth is that she probably felt the same way about her husband. 

He behaved badly (according to her) and she still wants him. She behaved badly, and you still want her.  It will take time to detach, but I think you'll come away with a greater understanding of why we sometimes harbour an unhealthy attachment to people who don't treat us well. 

She isn't the one you're going to build a life with. But there are a lot of lessons to be learned here, when you're ready to receive them. 

She just emailed me asking if I got the laptop back that she sent. She had a tracking number so could always know whether it’s been delivered to me or not. 
 

could this mean anything? 

[assertives]

Just reply her "got it. thanks." and leave it at that. Don't read too much into that email. 

[SSGoku]

7 minutes ago, assertives said:

Just reply her "got it. thanks." and leave it at that. Don't read too much into that email. 

Literally what I did. Lol 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, SSGoku said:

She just emailed me asking if I got the laptop back that she sent. She had a tracking number so could always know whether it’s been delivered to me or not. 
 

could this mean anything? 

Not in and of itself, really. 

[SSGoku]

Is my only solution to move on then? I’m sorry if I sound really annoying right now but I really wanted this.. more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. 

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, SSGoku said:

But why couldn’t she just tell me rather turning so cold towards me and literally trying to hurt me more and more. 

because she doesn't have the self discipline needed to self soothe and be on her own. She needed a male body in order to validate her worth (and possibly make the ex  jealous) because he kicked her to the curb.

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, SSGoku said:

Is my only solution to move on then? I’m sorry if I sound really annoying right now but I really wanted this.. more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. 

yes. Don't waste your youth on someone who is trying to blame you for decisions they freely made just because that truth is inconvenient to their ulterior motives.

[SSGoku]

10 minutes ago, kendahke said:

yes. Don't waste your youth on someone who is trying to blame you for decisions they freely made just because that truth is inconvenient to their ulterior motives.

Thank you

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, SSGoku said:

Is my only solution to move on then? I’m sorry if I sound really annoying right now but I really wanted this.. more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. 

Yes, unless you want to get your heart broken again. This isn't the woman you're going to ride off into the sunset with. 

You need to question why you wanted this so badly - did you want her as a person, or are you just lonely for companionship in general? I have a hard time believing it was really the former, given how it made you feel when she talked about her ex. 

[Logic10]

Are you the same poster as Lowkey7 ? similar situation. As hard and painful as it is right now, it will get better. Even if she did come back things would never be the same for you. The damage has been done.

[Calmandfocused]

Op. 

You’re in shock! Just take it easy for a moment and take a step back ... just for a moment. 

I’ve been here numerous of times in my life. Where I just couldn’t believe or fathom how a person I loved so much, and who I thought loved me could treat me in such a despicable manner. The devastation, the despair and the pain. OMG the pain feels like it could easily kill you ..... 
 

The glory when they came back. The forgiveness, the rationalisations, the denial, the excuses ..... then they did it to me again ... and again ... and again. Rinse, lather, repeat.
 

Op do not be me. You are wishing for the above cycle to continue. You have no idea how dangerous this hamster wheel is. 
 

Fact: Someone who truly loves you will never verbally and emotionally abuse you. They will have your best interest at heart and they will never intentionally harm you. 
 

Digest this information and use this to build up your logic defences to stay away from her. At the moment you’re crippled by your emotional thinking and it’s not helping you. 
 

Ask yourself, do you really and honestly want to be with someone who treats you like this? Don’t you want better for yourself ? Don’t you want to be number one in someone’s life? 
 

I hope she doesn’t come back to you. You don’t need to be with someone like this and her staying away from you will help you move on.