Drained and he swiftly deleted me. did he not care?

[Sijdkok]

Just broke up with a male friend after I could no longer suppress my feelings. We had started off as dating but very briefly as it became obvious he was struggling with something and fell into depression/anxiety. I supported him through this and ended up catching feelings. He said he had no romantic interest. I tried to remain friends but he continued flirting which gave me hope. I sent him a closure letter which mentioned he was emotionally unavailable from the start and his mixed signals indicated he was confused about his feelings wished him the best, left door open for him to contact me if he ever needed support. He didnt reply but we ended things amicably I believed. I thought after I've healed and really put myself out there again I may contact him as I really grew to care for him and his wellbeing. But within a day he has deleted my number after saying I'll always treasure our friendship. This stings like hell. Did he not even care that he can move on so fast ?

[stillafool]

I'm sure he thought you were a nice person this is why he said "I'll always treasure our friendship" but he knows you want him and his feelings aren't the same so he deleted your number to make it easier for you to get over him and move on.  It was the kind thing to do.

[Sijdkok]

The thing is I sent a closure letter. I made it clear I was done, I didn't appreciate him flirting when he wanted to be just friends. However given what we shared I'd never deny him support if he fell into depression again. 

[stillafool]

Flirting is really nothing when you think about it.  I flirt all the time it's part of my personality but it means nothing.  You can't hold a guy responsible for flirting with you but not wanting to actually date you.  Maybe this thread will help you as you guys have a very similar problem.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/595267-am-i-being-ghosted/#comments

 

[Sijdkok]

That thread doesn't really resonate. We knew each other for 9 months. Started off dating but didn't go all the way. He got depression went off work all of which I supported him through and remained a friend. He asked to give him until end of Jan by then he decided to be friends as he was not in position to pursue a relationship. I agreed but set strict boundaries but the chemistry between us was always strong. So it was hard. I created space as I knew I had feelings so we never saw each other in person after that. I still couldn't suppress them by the end and I couldn't be just a friend. He even said it will always be in the back of our minds. The prev break he never deleted me. But this time when I called him out and said enough. He has after 2 days. 

[Sijdkok]

When I say flirting I mean the deep emotional connection or intimacy you have in non platonic relationship. 

[rjc149]

A bit confused, 

3 hours ago, Sijdkok said:

We had started off as dating .. I supported him through this and ended up catching feelings. He said he had no romantic interest. I tried to remain friends but he continued flirting which gave me hope.

what was the nature of your relationship while you were dating?

 

4 hours ago, Sijdkok said:

I sent him a closure letter which mentioned he was emotionally unavailable from the start and his mixed signals indicated he was confused about his feelings wished him the best, left door open for him to contact me if he ever needed support.

I would really advise against doing this in the future. You don't want to tell someone who is ending things with you "I'll always be here if you ever need me." That lowers you value and lowers the respect he has for you. What you want to do in these situations is simply walk away and go no contact. 

If he deleted you, I'm wondering, were you taking the breakup well? Were you being really needy and emotional? Were you trying to communicate with him when he told you it wasn't welcome? 

[Sijdkok]

14 hours ago, rjc149 said:

A bit confused, 

what was the nature of your relationship while you were dating?

 

I would really advise against doing this in the future. You don't want to tell someone who is ending things with you "I'll always be here if you ever need me." That lowers you value and lowers the respect he has for you. What you want to do in these situations is simply walk away and go no contact. 

If he deleted you, I'm wondering, were you taking the breakup well? Were you being really needy and emotional? Were you trying to communicate with him when he told you it wasn't welcome? 

 

So we started off dating with view of serious relationship leading to marriage. We didn't have sex though. We had deep conversations on dealbreakers etc and then suddenly he hit a tough patch. He said he needed time to fight his demons and didn't elaborate but ended up needing time off work and was depressed.

At this stage it was all over text and phone as he was in no state. But as I supported him and the more we spoke I caught feelings. So I asked him to give me an answer so I could look elsewhere, he said he saw no romantic interest but wanted to be friends.

I though ok, if he has no interest I will not deny him support as I do care about him. So I made it explicitly clear to be platonic no FWB s*** or flirting. He kept breaking this and it became torture because it would give me hope that maybe he was over his demons.

I couldn't take it anymore so it was ME who decided to end it before the pandemic. We agreed to step back and only contact on occasions. However when the pandemic happened I felt awful like I had abandoned him knowing how anxious he gets. So I reached out. We spoke and he was hesitant but at this stage his wellbeing was my primary concern.

He started to help me with few of my issues at the time and we got talking again daily like we used to. But then the platonic nature started to crumble. Our discussions were becoming to intimate or deep for my liking so I realised I'm going to keep thinking he wants more and he is clearly confused even though he states no interest and wants to be friends he is not making the effort to stay platonic. So once again I chose to completely cut contact for myself.

I sent him a closure letter so he knew the impact of this on me throughout. It also became obvious he was in fact emotionally unavailable from the start and not over a heartbreak which led to his conflicted feelings. I asked him this throughout but he denied it until that last phone call.

Obviously I was hurt but took ownership for allowing myself to be so vulnerable. I commented he could delete my number but I will never ever deny someone my support if they asked.

He chose to delete me and I I can't help it it stings only because feelings aside I valued him a lot and cared immensely about his wellbeing but was never going to go back to that situation. It just sucks he cut me out so quickly like I meant nothing. 

Edited June 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[stillafool]

You did a lot to hold on to him even though he told you you would never be more than friends.  He may have had moments when he wanted sex (because he is a man) but always made it clear that he didn't see you more than a friend.  When a guy says this to you it is best to move on and block him so you can heal.  You wanted to remain friends with him probably in hopes that he would eventually want more.  The fact that he didn't want more broke your heart over and over again.  He deleted your number because he knows it will never be between the two of you and he's tired of hurting you.  It's time to move on now and heal.

Lesson here:  Never try to be friends with a man you have feelings for who has told you he does not feel the same.  You will get hurt.

[Sijdkok]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You did a lot to hold on to him even though he told you you would never be more than friends.  He may have had moments when he wanted sex (because he is a man) but always made it clear that he didn't see you more than a friend.  When a guy says this to you it is best to move on and block him so you can heal.  You wanted to remain friends with him probably in hopes that he would eventually want more.  The fact that he didn't want more broke your heart over and over again.  He deleted your number because he knows it will never be between the two of you and he's tired of hurting you.  It's time to move on now and heal.

Lesson here:  Never try to be friends with a man you have feelings for who has told you he does not feel the same.  You will get hurt.

You don't understand I was never friends with ulterior motives. However clearly the feelings did not dissipate entirely  when I went away there was always residual feelings. What hurts out of all this is the only reason I tried to hold on was because I grew to care about him and his mental wellbeing. He needed the support and he has low self worth. I was selfless and I guess I just wanted him to have taken my feelings into consideration and be less inconsiderate to try and maintain a friendship. Because above all I valued him, It's not hard to not flirt and talk intimately you just don't esp if you don't want to give the wrong impression and have been told explicitly to not to cross the boundaries unless you want more. I know I deserve a relationship where my feelings are reciprocated. I just got caught in the battle of my core character which is to help vs. Not being able to suppress the feelings. 

[stillafool]

So even though you wanted to be his friend and be there for him you are hurt because he let you be his friend and there was talk on an intimate level?  First it's not his job to make you leave him alone.  If you were offering support that he needed and accepted he isn't the blame, you are for putting yourself in that position knowing how you feel about him.  What you describe is not "flirting" which is light banter, laughter, body language between 2 people.  You said your conversations were intimate and emotional.  Maybe he did not view what you guys talked about as intimate and emotional you just felt that way.  What were those conversations about?

Edited June 2, 2020 by stillafool

[Sijdkok]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So even though you wanted to be his friend and be there for him you are hurt because he let you be his friend and there was talk on an intimate level?  First it's not his job to make you leave him alone.  If you were offering support that he needed and accepted he isn't the blame, you are for putting yourself in that position knowing how you feel about him.  What you describe is not "flirting" which is light banter, laughter, body language between 2 people.  You said your conversations were intimate and emotional.  Maybe he did not view what you guys talked about as intimate and emotional you just felt that way.  What were those conversations about?

I know it's not his job. I acknowledge my role in all of this. However if you want a genuine friendship with someone then you make the effort right? You invest the same amount otherwise that too becomes unbalanced. If he wanted to keep me as a genuine friend he should have been considerate too. I made it clear I would stay and be a friend on the basis it all stays kosher but when a guy starts talking about his fear of intimacy again, what he does etc Then that is not subtle banter that is crossing the limits and given he said he never speaks to any other female on that level. Neither did I want to so classes as intimacy between two partners. 

[Sijdkok]

So how could I not feel confused even though I was suppressing everything to try and be a good friend and help him 

[stillafool]

I still don't understand what kind of conversations you were having.  Are you saying he was talking to you about his fear of intimacy?  If so, what was it about that conversation did you feel crossed the limits? What did you guys say to each other that you view as intimate?

[Sijdkok]

Sending me a half chest selfies.Knowing  a) I do have a little feelings and they'll be awakened. I've asked him not to and then having the audacity to tell me to keep it kosher. I realised I was done.

[stillafool]

What was the intimate conversation?  This is why sometimes men and women can't be friends because men get horny and want sex but nothing more.

[Sijdkok]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I still don't understand what kind of conversations you were having.  Are you saying he was talking to you about his fear of intimacy?  If so, what was it about that conversation did you feel crossed the limits? What did you guys say to each other that you view as intimate?

He was discussing how he likes a certain position etc. What works trying to give tips. Also sharing your fear of intimacy again after heartbreak in itself is being vulnerable and a form for intimacy/emotional connection something you don't do with anyone 

[Sijdkok]

The things we shared was to a very deep level. I'll be surprised if he finds that kind of connection readily. So yes, I believe you shouldn't get the perks of a relationship in a friendship.

[stillafool]

You still haven't said what those conversations were that you shared; but given his response it seems he didn't value them as much as you did.

[Sijdkok]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You still haven't said what those conversations were that you shared; but given his response it seems he didn't value them as much as you did.

I don't think I need to share explicit details. Yes clearly he didnt see my value as a potential partner or a friend. So I should stop feeling sad and move on as you can't have the answers to everything.

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Sijdkok said:

He was discussing how he likes a certain position etc. What works trying to give tips. Also sharing your fear of intimacy again after heartbreak in itself is being vulnerable and a form for intimacy/emotional connection something you don't do with anyone 

Oh, I didn't see this post.  So there was sexual talk about certain positions,  most men love to talk about that stuff regardless of how they feel about a girl.

Fear of Intimacy after Heartbreak, this is a conversation you can have with another woman and I don't consider it intimate conversation and  maybe he doesn't either.  But when you really like someone you start reading too much into everything they say and do when sometimes it's   just wishful thinking. 

He isn't the blame for talking this way to you.  He probably talks to others the same way.  I'm sorry but this is more your fault for sticking around trying to be his                                                 friend.

                                           

 

 

Edited June 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[stillafool]

Just now, Sijdkok said:

I don't think I need to share explicit details. Yes clearly he didnt see my value as a potential partner or a friend. So I should stop feeling sad and move on as you can't have the answers to everything.

You're right about that as I've found the more answers I get the more questions I have to ask.  It's a vicious circle and love is hard.  You'll be okay, just give it time.

[Sijdkok]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Oh, I didn't see this post.  So there was sexual talk about certain positions,  most men love to talk about that stuff regardless of how they feel about a girl.

                                              Fear of Intimacy after Heartbreak, this is a conversation you can have with another woman and I don't consider it intimate conversation and                                                  maybe he doesn't either.  But when you really like someone you start reading too much into everything they say and do when sometimes it's                                                  just wishful thinking.  He isn't the blame 

                                              for talking this way to you.  He probably talks to others the same way.  I'm sorry but this is more your fault for sticking around trying to be his                                                 friend.

                                           

 

 

Yes I realise my fault and naivety in all this. However, this is a guy with anxiety and depression and who didnt even share what he went through during that tough patch with his best friends. I don't believe he would share his fears of being intimate again either with any girl. So it was hard to not hope. But it is what it is. 

Edited June 2, 2020 by Sijdkok
I also believe the fact he was able to lean on me so much without commitment played to his favour. I should have not been the kind person I am and selfless and let him fight his own demons instead of mentally draining myself. Lesson learnt

[stillafool]

How long was his last relationship and when did it end?

[Sijdkok]

It was 3 years apparently 2 of which were long distance . Broke up a year ago when I met him and I asked him directly have you healed. Supposedly he had..