My grandpa touched my cousin's wife inappropriately. Does he need to move out of the house?

[TexanGal28]

Cousin's wife's name: Allie. She is 42 years old. She is not related to our family except through marriage.

Backstory:

My grandpa (mom's side) lives with my parents. He is 82 years old. He is  PERVERT. I have caught him watching porn on their big screen tv multiple times when he thinks no one is upstairs with him.

My grandpa has a past history of touching Allie inappropriately. For example, whenever she would go to hand him something, he would hold her hand for just a little too long. Just enough to make her uncomfortable. He has a bad habit of staring at her non-stop, even if there are multiple people in the room.

On Friday, Allie and my cousin came over to my parents house for a birthday celebration. At the house, Allie was talking to my mom in the kitchen with her back to my grandpa. My grandpa walked past Allie and touched/grazed her butt and body with his own. I saw it happen, and so did my aunt and sister.

On Sunday, Allie and her family called a family meeting and told them what happened. I was actually grossed out when she demonstrated on me (I'm 28 years old, female), how my grandpa touched her.

They wanted my parents to ask my grandpa to move out to his own house (that he already owns but doesn't use), or they would stop visiting my parents in their home. My cousin also has two young girls he is afraid for.

My parents agreed to this condition. However, today I find out they backed down because my grandpa says the incident never happened. WTF??? We all saw it happened! And Allie would never lie about this.

My parents also have my younger sister living with them who is 21 years old. I am 28 and I also don't feel comfortable with this whole situation. What if he tries to do something to us? The thought disgusts me. I would kill him.

 

Do you think my cousin, Allie, and myself are justified in asking my parents to go drop my grandpa off at his own house? It is only a few miles away, maybe a 5 minute drive. He can cook, clean, and do whatever else he wants on his own. He also wanted to have a roommate which wouldn't be a bad idea.

Or do you think we're being overly dramatic? I am torn! A part of me feels like maybe we're taking this too far but the other part of me feels so bad for Allie and what she went through. Yes he didn't rape her, but a man touching you suggestively when it is unwarranted is still a horrible experience to have to go through. Ugh!!!

[basil67]

Ugh.  Sorry you're all in this situation.

Allie and her husband are out of line asking for him to be thrown out.  Why? Because it's not their house.    What would be a more appropriate approach is for them to say that they will not visit while he is in the home and that he's not welcome in their house.  

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

My parents also have my younger sister living with them who is 21 years old

I am sure Allie at 42 can handle herself and she doesn't live there but this young girl does.
Probably dementia causing inappropriate sexual behaviour, its not that uncommon.

[Gr8fuln2020]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ugh.  Sorry you're all in this situation.

Allie and her husband are out of line asking for him to be thrown out.  Why? Because it's not their house.    What would be a more appropriate approach is for them to say that they will not visit while he is in the home and that he's not welcome in their house.  

Really, this is the best option for now. People who are not comfortable around him should make an effort to stay away (in his own home). Also, it may be necessary to actively be aware of his proximity and try to avoid him. 

[basil67]

Elaine raises a good point about dementia.  Is this behaviour new over the past 10 years or so?

[preraph]

If I were just a cousin, I would simply stop going there, but I am more worried about the 21 year old living there or her little friends.  Can she speak up for herself or would she let herself be victimized?  See, some girls would have no problem reaming him for it or slapping his hand away or whatever, but many young girls have been taught not to do that.  So to me, the cousin should just stop coming because the man is 82 and can't take care of himself well, no matter what you think.  He's really old.  He has lost his filter because he's old.  He always had it in him but probably controlled it better when his mind was all right there.  Lots of old men are perverts.  My dad thought he was 19 and would hit on only young women at the nursing home.  

 

She shouldn't bring her kids around there and she should stay away.  Certainly your mom is acting like she doesn't know, but she does.  She just feels she needs to take care of him in his old age.  Why not talk to the young girl in the house as a unit and let her know she can yell at him and whatever if he does things like that, but do let everyone know this happens with senility, they lose their filters.  

[Ellener]

I don't think watching porn in private makes someone a 'pervert'.

Why doesn't Allie say 'don't do that?' at the time? Instead of calling a family meeting later.

I initially thought you were talking about an adult touching young children, they would need to be taught to tell an adult 'no' , that's what your cousin needs to do.

It can be done firmly and kindly if there's a suspicion of dementia.

[TexanGal28]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

Elaine raises a good point about dementia.  Is this behaviour new over the past 10 years or so?

He's been like this his entire life. He is an immigrant from India. My grandma (she passed away but told my some horrible things about him before she died) suffered a lot of abuse from him. He used to beat her and I think he harassed women in India when they used to live there. They moved to America because my mom, their daughter, is a citizen here.

I don't think he has dementia. He literally remembers every little detail about his day to day activities, his past, etc. Wouldn't he be forgetting all that if he was suffering from something like dementia? 

[TexanGal28]

On 6/1/2020 at 10:33 PM, basil67 said:

Ugh.  Sorry you're all in this situation.

Allie and her husband are out of line asking for him to be thrown out.  Why? Because it's not their house.    What would be a more appropriate approach is for them to say that they will not visit while he is in the home and that he's not welcome in their house.  

This is what we're doing for now. 

[TexanGal28]

Ok update: mu parents aren't kicking him out. My sister, the 21 yr old, doesn't see the seriousness about the situation, but all of us (siblings) avoid my grandpa like the plague anyways so hopefully she'll be ok. Im worried that he might try to catch her showering or changing in her room, something gross like that. He used to try to do that when we were wayyy younger. At the time, we didn't understand his motives.

I know my grandpa has muttered something about my "naked" legs one time when I was at my parents wearing shorts. I have never worn shorts to their house since then. If he does anything to us, we will tell our parents for sure. 

To the person who asked why Allie didn't say anything right then and there: it was a party for my mom's bday and she didn't want to create a scene and ruin everyone's evening and my mom's bday. Plus my grandpa is a grade A liar he never admits to anything, even if you have a thousand pieces of evidence against him.

 

I told my mom today I don't feel comfortable going over to their house anymore too. It sucks because I like to visit my parents ALL the time

 

ps: the porn doesn't get watched privately. He literally tries to be sneaky and watch it on the big screen tv in the media room upstairs. My little brother's room is right behind him and we don't have doors blocking the media room from the rest of the upstairs. It's more of a loft. Absolutely gross. The sheer fact that he's 82 watching porn is disgusting.

[stillafool]

Well maybe you can just have your parents visit you and not go over there anymore.  As far as Allie, I don't care what the event was and I wouldn't have said anything, just turned around and slapped him silly and went back to the party.  At 42 she should know how to take care of herself.  Can you bring the 21 year old to live with you?  Did you guys tell your mom that her Dad was trying to catch you naked out of the shower?  What did she do?  What did your father do?

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I don't think he has dementia. He literally remembers every little detail about his day to day activities, his past, etc. Wouldn't he be forgetting all that if he was suffering from something like dementia? 

With dementia he would lose short term memory, and remember aspects of the past but maybe not constructively.

If sexism was a large aspect of his culture he is going to behave the same way he always has, especially if no one ever challenges him there and then.

4 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

The sheer fact that he's 82 watching porn is disgusting.

I don't think so.

[preraph]

Well, if he did that stuff when you were younger, then he's always been a perv and shouldn't have been let around the kids then, but now that he's old and needs care, a bit too late to do much about it except steer clear, which I know you all move faster than he does at his age.  And yell at him if he does something.  He'll possibly avoid you unless his dementia is such that he doesn't even remember it.

[Pumaza]

She is 42? She need to stand up. slap him in the face. He gotta learn one way or another.

Who knows he was doing this when hewas younger....

They should adres him and drop him at his house. instead of telling him to go.

You have younger kids there they should not go true this.He hide it and lie so he know well wtf he is doing. No dementia there.

Tell him or we calling the cops or you get out,and keep your hand and crap to yourself.

[Pumaza]

On 6/3/2020 at 12:34 PM, TexanGal28 said:

He's been like this his entire life. He is an immigrant from India. My grandma (she passed away but told my some horrible things about him before she died) suffered a lot of abuse from him. He used to beat her and I think he harassed women in India when they used to live there. They moved to America because my mom, their daughter, is a citizen here.

I don't think he has dementia. He literally remembers every little detail about his day to day activities, his past, etc. Wouldn't he be forgetting all that if he was suffering from something like dementia? 

You guys know about him and his history.hiding it,not confronting him,and no action, will make him keep doing this.because that gets him high,the fact that he can get away with it. Why wait till you hear of more sick stuff he done to take serious steps. Who knows he already touched the youngest in the family but they scared to tell. Yall are enabling him! what do the males in your family think and do about this?

[basil67]

To those saying that the sister should have slapped him or made a scene, there are people who's initial reaction is shock rather than anger or violence.  The anger and the "should have said/done" comes later.   Let's not get into victim judging hey?