I'm really lost!!

[Ducky]

I'm a 31 years old Asian male, 5'5", 140 lbs. All my life I have always had problems getting dates. I never really had a girlfriend, the closest to one was there was this girl I dated a few years ago for several weeks.

 

People tell me it's not my personality, my friend pretty much all tell me I'm a really nice guy. Women usually don't have a problem being friends with me. Some of them find me very fun and interesting to talk to, but they only want to be friends. I'm never the type they are attracted to. I don't know why.

 

I'm not an ugly person either. I'm a clean cut person, I dress very nicely. I have my own sucessful business. I have a lot to offer, but when it comes down to women, they are just not interested in me.

 

I have tried many different ways of meet people, but I think my problem is not where to meet people. I want to figure out why they don't want to date me. I have even tried an online dating service, and no luck there. None of the people I contacted online reply to my messages.

 

This is really getting old for me. I am good at what I do and have great friends and family. What I'm missing is someone to share all of this with.

 

I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me figure out why women aren't attracted to me?

[Tony T]

Hmmm. Let me think about this and come back in a while.

[Buckeyegal]

You say that your friends say it's not your personality, but it is strange that at your age you've never really had a relationship. Have you actually asked any of these women out, or are maybe you sending the signal that you only want to be friends? Are you setting unrealistic standards as far as the type of women you want to date, ie...supermodel looks, barbiedoll figure, high income, etc. Do you try to date women in your own age range? You're a man of relatively small stature, and unfortunately many younger woman are only interested in dating men that meet their physical ideals, they're more interested in the wrapping rather than what's inside the package. Just keep doing activities you enjoy, be friendly and open with the women you meet, and if you meet someone you're interested ask them out for a definitive date...not a "we should get together sometime" One other thing, and since I don't know you, I don't know if it applies to you or not, so don't take it personally...but some smaller men try to make up for their size with obnoxious, pompous, sometimes rude behavior, which I can tell you is a total turn off. Again, don't take that personally, it's just a thought...just try to be open, honest and friendly, eventually you'll find someone who is mutually interested in you. Good luck!

[sparkle]

I'll try to answer, but could you give me some more information?

 

How do you approach women?

 

What do you say to them?

 

Do you have any problems getting their phone number?

 

What about what you say when you call them up?

 

Maybe you could give a couple examples or describe a typical situation and conversation. This will help out a lot so I can figure out what you need to work on.

 

Thanks

[Ducky]

How do you approach women?

 

I have been through many different situations, from walking up to them and start a conversation, to meeting friend of a friend and trying to ask them out on a date.

What do you say to them?

 

Depending on where we are at, usually I try to talk about things around us. For example, if we are at a concert, I try to talk about the music, etc, hoping to start a conversation.

Do you have any problems getting their phone number?

 

Yes and No. Yes, most of them don't have any problems giving me their numbers because they like me as a friend and want to hang out. No, they don't want to go out and don't even want to be just friends.

What about what you say when you call them up?

 

Usually I start off the conversation with something like asking them how they are doing, how has their day been, etc. Then later on in the conversation, I would ask them out on a date.

Maybe you could give a couple examples or describe a typical situation and conversation. This will help out a lot so I can figure out what you need to work on. Thanks

I usually do not even get the chance to go out on a date with someone in the first place.

 

Maybe it is because I don't look like I'm 31. Many people had told me I look very young, on top of that I'm not very tall. My guess is I don't look mature or serious. But in fact, I'm a very mature adult and probably a lot more mature than most people my age.

 

Hope this will give you more clues to help me figure this out. Thanks.

[Ducky]

Thanks for your post.

 

Yes, I have actually ask women out. I make it clear to them it is a date

 

I am not setting unrealistic standards. I would ask just about anyone out. I try not to rule anyone out. The way I look at it is, if there is no chemistry, we will know on our first date. But I almost never get that far.

 

About my behavior around people, I'm a very laid back person. I take rejection very well. If they say no, I just walk away. To be honest, I think I have gone past the point of getting upset about a woman telling me no.

[sparkle]

Hmmm. This is a tough one, and I really don't know what to say.

 

One of my good friends is Asian, and he's very tiny. He's skinnier than me, and is only 5'1". Very small. He's 27 and looks about 18. Well for the past few years that I've known him, he was in the same situation and had trouble meeting girls.

 

But mainly, he felt insecure cause he's so skinny and short. And he thought that every girl wants some tall, muscular guy. Well we both worked on raising his confidence and self-esteem.

 

And in the past year or so, I've really noticed some changes. He's not as much of a "nice guy" as he used to be. He's more outgoing now, more talkative. He has a wonderful sense of humor that finally shines through. Even if he might not be, he has a great way of acting like the most confident guy in the room.

 

And he's met a lot of girls now. He has a few girls that are "just friends", and he's become close to them, and hangs out with them often. Well, these girls end up introducing him to their single girl friends.

 

I know this probably doesn't help any in terms of what to do, but just don't be discouraged. Focus on the things you like to do, and spend time hanging out with your friends. When you least expect it, you'll probably end up meeting a wonderful girl.

 

Go up to random girls and compliment them, and walk away. Don't focus on getting their number. Just practice your skills. Don't use pickup lines. Just offer a nice compliment and walk away. Do this over and over until walking up to girls and starting a conversation becomes second nature to you. Focus on just feeling comfortable and talking to them. Once you're an expert at making them smile, you can move on to getting their number and calling them. When you do, and you're interested in a girl, don't drag it on to become buddy-buddy with her. Once she classifies you as "just a friend", it's almost impossible to be a "boyfriend".

 

Anyhow, don't sound nervous, don't sound like you're trying to kiss their butt either. Don't seem sad, down, or desperate either. Whatever you do, make sure you sound cool, calm, collected, and confident.

 

I wish you the best of luck.