Bedtime issues

[TBMCHIB]

 

Met my soon to be ex wife in early 2016. She was divorced with two kids - 9 and 14. Dated about six months before I met the kids. Found it a bit odd her son who was the younger was sleeping in her bed at night. I wasn’t staying over but when I left to go home in the evening he would always ask her in a baby voice if he could sleep with her. Eventually I questioned it and she said he was very anxious at night and so she just let it go. 

We got engaged in the fall of 2017 and married in the summer of 2018. Once we got married, at least 4-5 nights per week, I was essentially going to bed by myself because he needed her to come lay with him until he fell asleep. At this point he’s 11. Some nights it was a half hour, other nights she’d fall asleep and that was that. My frustration got real big real fast. We discussed and I was told I needed to deal with it because the kids come first. So that issue never resolved and it generated a great deal of resentment. Things just went downhill. 

I do not in any way think there is anything inappropriate here other than a really immature kid and a totally enmeshed mother. In March we decided divorce was the answer. I moved to the couch, found an apartment and all will be well. But I would note that once I moved to the couch, he at now 13 started back with mommy can I sleep with you? She of course allows it.

She has consistently told me how selfish I am for begrudging this boy what he needs to sleep at night. For me, it drove a wedge btw her and me and the kid and me. Maybe I am selfish but I could not go on under that roof.

Ok wanted to vent. Stay safe all.

 

[Blind-Sided]

You are not selfish in any way.  Your stbxW is the one who created a monster !!!  She is also being selfish to you! Before anyone yells at me... SURE... every kid... at some point will get frightened and need the comfort of mom or dad at night.  AND, in that rare occasion... you let them sleep next to you.  AND... when they are very young... sure... you sing to them to help them relax at bed time.  So... while I agree that kids should come first... they should also be taught that the world doesn't revolve around them and they need to be considerate of others.

BUT..............  Any parent who allows their kid to sleep with them on an ongoing basis is creating a kid who is a whiny, entitled brat who will have distancing problems, and won't know how to deal with separation anxiety later in life !!!  Not to mention, the parent is punishing them selves by not getting good sleep.  This is either by sleeping in the kid's bed... or being woken up multiple times during the night.   This was the exact issue with my oldest kid.  Mom would be up every time a noise was made.  That turned into every time my kid wok up... she expected mom to be there to get her back to sleep... and that turned into everyone being woken up every 45 minutes to an hour during the night.  Finally... at around the 3.5 year mark... my kid came into my room to ask mom to help her back to sleep... and because she was finally old enough to talk well, and understand... I yelled at her, and told her to not get out of bed again until it was day light.   That was the first night in over 3 years I was able to sleep well.   FYI... she also had severe separation anxiety from about 4 years old, until she was 8 or 9 years old. (Girl scouts helped fix that)  But I firmly blame my exW for this issue.

I'm sorry that you are facing divorce... but at 13 years old... this kid will have issues for the rest of his life, that mom created.

 

[Dexterr]

My partner was sleeping with her parents from 9 to 11 because of some form of abandonment issues. Her grandma whom she rarely saw left home one day after a great weekend visit and then passed on a few days later. My partner was very traumatised afterwards, she was so little and was very close to her granny who lived 3h away. 

Her parents took her to therapy and got her a guinea pig. Some months she would drag the guinea pig with his massive cage to her parents' room late at night and slept on their carpet but eventually would sleep anywhere to be close to her piggy, even in her room, alone. 

I understand completely, just hearing how the mother is raising his son to become a little cupcake with serious bonding issues is honestly horrid, you were right to leave and remove yourself from that situation.. There are healthy ways to deal with such issues.

[emprosnet7]

You are clearly a second-class citizen in the marrige. Good thing you don't have a kid with her !

[TBMCHIB]

Thank u for the replies. I failed to mention that the two kids are one each from two previous marriages. There is a lot of repressed guilt that I never factored in before we got married. I’m not perfect but being married to someone who never prioritized me, even just to go to bed together and share a few moments each night ... nope, sorry, see ya. And then to do a full 360 and have the kid back in the master bed and have her tell me it’s perfectly normal. Bye!

 

[Acacia98]

On 6/2/2020 at 2:50 PM, TBMCHIB said:

I do not in any way think there is anything inappropriate here other than a really immature kid and a totally enmeshed mother. In March we decided divorce was the answer. I moved to the couch, found an apartment and all will be well. But I would note that once I moved to the couch, he at now 13 started back with mommy can I sleep with you? She of course allows it.

 

I get what you're saying. It's not incest. 

But it is already verging on emotional incest, my friend. He is 13 now, an adolescent. The appropriate boundaries between mother and son are missing. The damage is already done. You did well to leave. But I worry about the poor kid. I genuinely don't know how he can be helped. I hope others can weigh in on that.

Edited June 6, 2020 by Acacia98
Adding more detail