Consequences

[TheRainbow]

I'm not sure where to put this, so I decided to put it in the infidelity forum.

I was a serial cheater, and it's been over two years since I last cheated on my husband. I haven't posted in a while because things have been getting better, but because of my actions, we have reached a point where my choices are overtaking our life, our marriage, and unfortunately, my children's life.

For anyone who has followed my story, we had told my in-laws the truth about my daughter's paternity, and my affair with the other man. They don't know all the gory details but enough that my relationship with my mother in law has been toxic. My oldest daughter knows about my affair and her sister's paternity because we were afraid she'd hear it from someone else, and she's handling it as well as can be.

My husband and I on the front are doing a lot better. I'm still attending weekly therapy, which now is virtual because of the pandemic. We have reached a bit of a stale point, which we are currently working through. But the main thing, the elephant in the room, is my mother in law. We both thought things would simmer down over time, but things have escalated. My sister-in-law is going through a horrible divorce because of her infidelity. For some reason, this is fueling my mother in law's hatred for me. She won't even be in the same room as me, won't call or talk to the kids, never mind see them unless I'm not around. Over the last few weeks, my husband and I realized that a lot of his extended family knows that I had an affair and had a child that isn't biologically his. He had sensed that some of his closest family were treating him differently. 

My kids, especially my oldest daughter, misses her grandmother. She tells me often she wishes she'd come around again. I've had a lot of one on one conversations with my daughter about actions have consequences and how things we do affect the ones we love. She seems to understand but still sad. She isn't mad at me like I thought she'd be. I don't want to tell her how to feel, but I think a lot of guilt that she is feeling some resentment toward her grandmother for something I did.

My husband is feeling some bitterness toward his mother. It's obvious, even though she denies it that she treats our middle daughter differently. She isn't mean to her, but my daughter told her dad that my mother in law doesn't hold her, or plays with her. She'll never take just her for a sleepover. It breaks my heart because it is my fault.  

I'm not sure what I'm asking or what advice I'm seeking. 

[mark clemson]

There's a concept "displaced aggression" which you may be familiar with (and which we're seeing a lot of these days). While your MIL's original dislike is understandable, maybe something like "displaced distaste" or "displaced disappointment" is going on in terms of what you're seeing with her feelings intensifying against you. She can't not love her own daughter, so you're stuck with the negative emotions that she'd otherwise be directing at her.

Whether I'm right or wrong about that, you can't magically turn her into a more forgiving person. She might get past this in her own time, but at this point it does sound a bit unlikely without some sort of external influence such as a pastor or therapist might provide. And of course that would require she's interested in or at least theoretically open to changing, which may not be the case.

I think the bottom line is you're probably stuck with her like this for quite some time, possible permanently.

I would note that in terms of consequences you seem to have come out much better than many OM/OWs who've done much less. You should consider yourself fortunate you have such a forgiving husband. Not just divorce, but I have zero doubt women have been shot (or stoned to death by an angry mob, in some countries) for much less. Not much consistency in "karma" or "consequences", it would seem.

[usa1ah]

Sorry your kids are paying the price. Nothing is ever the same after someone cheats. 
 

Not the child’s fault and your mother in law should understand that. On the other hand, she isn’t her grand daughter. 
 

Still believe the double standard between her daughter and you is completely wrong. Still the same issue, it’s her own daughter. You cheated on her son. 
 

Best wishes for your kids. 
 

Best of luck with the s storm. 

[S2B]

This is all caused by your actions.

sit down with your MIL and explain to her that you understand she is angry at you - and that your actions in the past deserve that. And that you’re doing work to be a better person in life.

and explain that her granddaughter misses her very much... ask if she has room in her heart for your daughter to see her.

[BaileyB]

You are far too kind toward your mother in law. 

I understand, these are difficult things and acceptance is a hard fought battle sometimes. But, how a “mother” could be so hurtful to a child - children - is beyond me. It’s inexcusable and if I was your husband, I would have no patience for this. 

One of my coworkers is married to a man who lost his brother to cancer. He had three young children, and in her grief his widow became close to her husband’s best friend - he stepped up to help her with the children during her time of need. They fell in love, married, and ten years later they are a very happy family. The grandparents - particularly the grandmother - has never accepted this new relationship. She has refused to see the parents, and she refused to see the grandchildren - 10 years later, she died without ever changing her position. The children’s mother has sent pictures of the children, she has tried to maintain the relationship in whatever way would be acceptable to the grandparents - it never happened. This woman literally gave up her relationship with her grandchildren because she could not move past her grief and her judgment of this new relationship and the fact that the “family” had moved forward...

It is possible that she will never change her position. And, as hard as it is for your oldest daughter, your primary concern should be protecting your children - even if it is from the emotional abuse of their grandmother. I’m sorry, it is a sad situation all around...

[TheRainbow]

There is no talking to my mother in law. I've apologized, and I've tried to talk to her, but she is too angry to even be in the same room as me. She has made it clear that nothing will be okay until he divorces me. She knows the girls want to see her, and she will see them, but just not as much as before. My sister in law watched my youngest, for the three weeks I had the COVID-19 virus, and she took that opportunity to see her lots. As for the middle daughter, biologically she isn't her granddaughter, but my husband is her father, maybe not biologically, but legally and in every way that matters, so he takes serious offense to her being treated differently.

[TheRainbow]

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You are far too kind toward your mother in law. 

It's hard not to try to make things better, even though it is out of my control. From the beginning, I knew from the first day she met me fifteen years ago that she didn't like me. She didn't approve of me. I know now that she had told other family members that she thought I would be a cheap fling and that he'd move on quickly. She also accused me of trapping him when I got pregnant before we got married. I mean, I can't exactly blame her for thinking that. I wasn't precisely educated and eleven years younger than my husband, who had a career established. 

I do think her anger goes beyond just the cheating. I think combining the fact that I was never good enough in the first place for her son adds to it. I know she wishes he stayed with his ex-girlfriend. I have accepted that I wasn't her choice, and that's okay. But I'm struggling because I want to be cordial with her, I want her to be involved in my kid's life, and I really would love for her relationship with my husband to go back to how it was before the truth came out. 

[colingrant]

I've followed your story. While you're experiencing consequences, the greatest consequence of all (losing a good man and family) you've escaped. Him staying with you following an affair that led to pregnancy and childbirth is nothing short of a miracle, and I say that respectfully, not sarcastically. I think most men would agree that one of the, if not THE most emasculating and humiliating thing in the world is your woman or wife giving birth to another man's baby. It's beyond my ability to comprehend such at thing. 

The depth and scope of collateral damage is also generational, as kids who enter into relationships as adolescents and adults are often ill prepared to establish and sustain healthy relationships for reasons unknown to them. They sabotage any emotional experience that requires vulnerability, which all healthy relationships need in order to grow. Children of parents involved in infidelity are more likely to become unfaithful, even knowing its devastation. It's not hereditary, but a learned acceptance that relationships often come with infidelity. It's no different than a child seeing mom or dad, smoke, drink, doing drugs or swearing even. 

I'm not the least bit surprised with your mother in-law. My best friend's wife cheated and I was more angry than he was. I still can't look her in the eye or smile at her, knowing who she is, but that's my problem, not his. A mom hurts for her son. Unlike your husband, who has worked through it and seen your reconciliation efforts, his mom can't see and I presume doesn't want to. People hurt for other people they love. I'm not condoning it, just giving some context.

I can also see why she would treat your daughter differently, but this is very wrong I believe. Your husband is hurt I'm sure that his mom can't forgive, but as a man he can work this out. Your daughter however will see a deficiency of love and affection and this can impact her for life. Unlike your husband, she can't figure this out on her own. Three of my wife's nieces were treated this way and unbelievably, they were not negatively impacted. This is because their mom, (my wife's brother who had children out of wedlock), refused to allow it. 

She brought the girls to all family functions and acted as though she had as much a right to be present as any relative. The nieces followed their mom's lead and learned to handle being "black sheeped" through persistent uncaring of their grandmother's cold shoulder. Over time, the cold shoulder turned warm. It was painful to see at the outset though, as even I as an outsider could see the difference. 

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She also accused me of trapping him when I got pregnant before we got married. I mean, I can't exactly blame her for thinking that. I wasn't precisely educated and eleven years younger than my husband, who had a career established. 

My mother in-law reasoned the same thing. I'm not sure you'll ever be accepted and once you become okay with it, your husband will also feel less stressed about it. 

[usa1ah]

He can take offense to it all he wants. This isn’t fairytale land, there is no happy ending here. That’s what cheating does to a family.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, TheRainbow said:

He had sensed that some of his closest family were treating him differently. 

This isn't fair to him.  Why are they treating him badly when he hasn't done anything?

16 hours ago, TheRainbow said:

My kids, especially my oldest daughter, misses her grandmother. She tells me often she wishes she'd come around again.

Maybe your husband can take your daughter over to see her grandmother for the day or something.  They must be pretty close.

Frankly, if I were you I would just leave the MIL alone.  If she doesn't want to be around you just stay away from her.  Let the kids have their relationship with her if they want and have your husband drop them off and pick them up.

Edited June 3, 2020 by stillafool

[schlumpy]

Rainbow, I have to admit I'm not as strong as you. I would not be able to rebuild my life the way you have. From what I have read you have made an honest attempt to set things right. Maybe it will take more time but how much? When the muck is stirred up it takes a while for the pond to become clear again. I guess you can be stoic about it absorb the abuse but none of this will help you reach your goals.

I think you should consider moving away. Say about two hundred miles should do it. That way Holidays and family events are still on the table but every day interaction is not. As drastic as this remedy may seem to family oriented people it might just help the muck to settle faster.

Good fortune to you, your husband and children.

 

Edited June 3, 2020 by schlumpy

[usa1ah]

His family is treating him different because they have lost respect for him. He stayed with someone that could do to him what OP has done. Being cheated on is  one thing, having her lovers child then the husband staying is something else.
 

How are they going to respect him when he doesn’t even respect himself. 

I can easily imagine what they are saying behind his back. 

[mark clemson]

There's a lot of variation in people. We're all similar, but we're all NOT similar too. This is why we have e.g. medicines that work great for most people, but cause major side effects in a few.

I think the same thing applies psychologically to some extent. Many men couldn't handle this, but clearly this guy can, at least for now. Maybe one day he will suddenly walk, but I think he likes being a dad and possibly has his sense of identity come from being a supportive father and "supportive" human being, having career success, and perhaps other things as well. So possibly it just doesn't matter that much to him that 2 of the kids aren't his. He likes them and he likes being their father anyhow.

Although I doubt anyone likes being cheated on, there are people in this world for who it's simply not THAT huge of a trauma that they have no choice emotionally but to restructure their life due to it. That's not a dig on them OR on those who ARE very substantially traumatized (as many and possibly most people are), but simply noting an apparent fact.

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, TheRainbow said:

I have accepted that I wasn't her choice, and that's okay. But I'm struggling because I want to be cordial with her, I want her to be involved in my kid's life, and I really would love for her relationship with my husband to go back to how it was before the truth came out. 

Be cordial with her when you run into her but it's clear she doesn't want to be around you so you should stay away from her for your own peace of mind.  She can still have a relationship with her granddaughter, it doesn't have to include you.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

it just doesn't matter that much to him that 2 of the kids aren't his.

I thought only the middle daughter is not his child but i could be wrong...

[usa1ah]

22 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I thought only the middle daughter is not his child but i could be wrong...

I think you are right. I think OP has had another one since she had her affair baby. 

Edited June 3, 2020 by usa1ah

[TheRainbow]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So possibly it just doesn't matter that much to him that 2 of the kids aren't his. He likes them and he likes being their father anyhow.

Only one of the three girls isn't his biologically. Also the daughter that isn't his biologically was the only pregnancy that we actively tried for. 

[TheRainbow]

6 hours ago, usa1ah said:

His family is treating him different because they have lost respect for him. He stayed with someone that could do to him what OP has done. Being cheated on is  one thing, having her lovers child then the husband staying is something else.

He says that it doesn't bother him, but I know it does. I feel I'm 100%  responsible and I've told him so. He just said at the end of the day, no one has to live his life, no one has to wake up to me every morning, and no one else has to understand. But that if they want to remain in his life they'll just have to accept it. I think at the end of the day, he made a decision on what was a higher priority for him. 

 

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Although I doubt anyone likes being cheated on, there are people in this world for who it's simply not THAT huge of a trauma that they have no choice emotionally but to restructure their life due to it. That's not a dig on them OR on those who ARE very substantially traumatized (as many and possibly most people are), but simply noting an apparent fact.

To this day, I still don't understand why he would want to stay with me. I wouldn't want to stay with me. I treated him really badly, yet he stood by me at my lowest many times over. 

Edited June 3, 2020 by TheRainbow

[emotionallybroken9]

Colingrant said pretty much what I’m thinking. 

Im a BS and I’ve been going through recon for about a year now. Wounds still feel like it was yesterday. So many times I just wish none of it happened, but that’ll never be. Now I’m trying to move forward with this scar. It’ll never fully go, and I’ll never truly forget. 

 

I have a daughter. She’s biologically mine. I love her more than anything. We have a neighbor girl. She’s nice and missing a dad (left them young). Whenever she’s around I treat her with kindness.  But... I don’t treat her anywhere near my daughter. I don’t get that emotional connection from her. She just isn’t my daughter. She’s not my blood. 

 

Your MIL sees YOUR daughter as HER GRABDAUGHTER’S friend. In all fairness, YOUR daughter has ZERO ties to our MIL, so that’s understandable. You’re only upset because it’s hurting YOUR kid. But so what? If this lady isn’t nice to YOUR kiddo, then why keep sending her there? They are strangers to each other. At best, she’d be a family friend in your MIL eyes. 

 

If your mil was younger, maybe there was a chance, but you know what they say, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”  Cut your losses for now. This is another consequence. Btw turns out my ws came from a home where the dad cheated, so here we are 30 years later and she’s done it too. 

 

Don’t fault the mom. She loves and cares for her son, and that’s the only thing we can expect from her. She extended that love to his own extensions (you and the kids.) When you cheated, you reworked the whole system. She’s back at stage 1: love my son. His only GOOD extension NOW? His biological daughter. 

 

Im really really sorry. Let time do the healing for everyone else. She doesn’t HAVE to like you OR the kid, no more than you HAVE to send your daughter there. 

 

 

[emotionallybroken9]

7 minutes ago, TheRainbow said:

He says that it doesn't bother him, but I know it does. I feel I'm 100%  responsible and I've told him so. He just said at the end of the day, no one has to live his life, no one has to wake up to me every morning, and no one else has to understand. But that if they want to remain in his life they'll just have to accept it. I think at the end of the day, he made a decision on what was a higher priority for him. 

 

To this day, I still don't understand why he would want to stay with me. I wouldn't want to stay with me. I treated him really badly, yet he stood by me at my lowest many times over. 

1. He has to understand that for him to stay in THEIR life, he has to accept that this is the new normal. Who does he think he is that THEY have to be in his life? The road goes both ways. Stop trying to change people’s minds, and just be happy with your own. 

 

2. You said you have biological kid with him before the affair right? Or are there no bio kids for him? That’s your answer. If there weren’t ANY kids in the picture, I promise you a clean split between you two would’ve been the best. Alas, he doesn’t want to lose his kids. He loves you, absolutely, but how often do couples recon after an affair if they didn’t have kids? 

[usa1ah]

22 minutes ago, TheRainbow said:

He says that it doesn't bother him, but I know it does. I feel I'm 100%  responsible and I've told him so. He just said at the end of the day, no one has to live his life, no one has to wake up to me every morning, and no one else has to understand. But that if they want to remain in his life they'll just have to accept it. I think at the end of the day, he made a decision on what was a higher priority for him. 

 

To this day, I still don't understand why he would want to stay with me. I wouldn't want to stay with me. I treated him really badly, yet he stood by me at my lowest many times over. 

If he left, he would have been lucky to have seen his daughter every other week. 
 

He would of had to pay child support. 
 

He would of had to pay alimony more then likely. 
 

Lost his house on top of all of this. 
 

Honestly, what type of life would he have had if he divorced you. The lesser of two evils and make the best of the shat sandwich you made for him. 
 

On top of that, the possibility of the other man moving in with you and basically taking his place in his daughter’s life. 

Edited June 3, 2020 by usa1ah

[emotionallybroken9]

19 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

If he left, he would have been lucky to have seen his daughter every other week. 
 

He would of had to pay child support. 
 

He would of had to pay alimony more then likely. 
 

Lost his house on top of all of this. 
 

Honestly, what type of life would he have had if he divorced you. The lesser of two evils and make the best of the shat sandwich you made for him. 
 

On top of that, the possibility of the other man moving in with you and basically taking his place in his daughter’s life. 

100% this. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, TheRainbow said:

To this day, I still don't understand why he would want to stay with me.

Well you are the mother of his daughter and I'm sure he doesn't want to break her heart and he's been a father to the other little ones as well.  He sure sounds like a nice man.  He has good things coming to him.

[TheRainbow]

57 minutes ago, emotionallybroken9 said:

You said you have biological kid with him before the affair right? Or are there no bio kids for him? That’s your answer. If there weren’t ANY kids in the picture, I promise you a clean split between you two would’ve been the best. Alas, he doesn’t want to lose his kids. He loves you, absolutely, but how often do couples recon after an affair if they didn’t have kids? 

THe reality is I'm a serial cheater. The affair that resulted in my daughter's birth, wasn't my first. I have cheated multiple times before marriage. The first time was a six month physical affair six months into our relationship. We "broke up" for a week or two before he wanted to try again.  My oldest who is 12 and my youngest who is 18 months old are his biological children. My middle daughter is 2 1/2 and he has known since she was 4 months old that he wasn't the biological father. 

 

47 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

Honestly, what type of life would he have had if he divorced you. The lesser of two evils and make the best of the shat sandwich you made for him. 
 

On top of that, the possibility of the other man moving in with you and basically taking his place in his daughter’s life. 

I'm not a gold digger. In the past I have brought up divorce a couple times, and even when we were separated pending a divorce, I had no intentions of going for everything I would be "legally" entitled too, because I had no intention of leaving him out to dry. It took a surprise, unexpected pregnancy for us to stay together, and I'm glad we stuck it through. I'm forever grateful that he is in my life.  As for the other man, on a legal front he'll never be able to have custody. WE had went through the courts, and everything is set it stone that he'll never have any contact until she's an adult and can have a relationship with him if she so chooses. My husband has accepted that. 

[pepperbird]

op,

So she;s going to take her anger out on some innocent kids by not seeing them as much as she used to?

What an old goat. I don't think I'd want her around my kids at all if I were you. At least not until she decides to start acting like an adult.