Consequences

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, emotionallybroken9 said:

Colingrant said pretty much what I’m thinking. 

Im a BS and I’ve been going through recon for about a year now. Wounds still feel like it was yesterday. So many times I just wish none of it happened, but that’ll never be. Now I’m trying to move forward with this scar. It’ll never fully go, and I’ll never truly forget. 

 

I have a daughter. She’s biologically mine. I love her more than anything. We have a neighbor girl. She’s nice and missing a dad (left them young). Whenever she’s around I treat her with kindness.  But... I don’t treat her anywhere near my daughter. I don’t get that emotional connection from her. She just isn’t my daughter. She’s not my blood. 

 

Your MIL sees YOUR daughter as HER GRABDAUGHTER’S friend. In all fairness, YOUR daughter has ZERO ties to our MIL, so that’s understandable. You’re only upset because it’s hurting YOUR kid. But so what? If this lady isn’t nice to YOUR kiddo, then why keep sending her there? They are strangers to each other. At best, she’d be a family friend in your MIL eyes. 

 

If your mil was younger, maybe there was a chance, but you know what they say, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”  Cut your losses for now. This is another consequence. Btw turns out my ws came from a home where the dad cheated, so here we are 30 years later and she’s done it too. 

 

Don’t fault the mom. She loves and cares for her son, and that’s the only thing we can expect from her. She extended that love to his own extensions (you and the kids.) When you cheated, you reworked the whole system. She’s back at stage 1: love my son. His only GOOD extension NOW? His biological daughter. 

 

Im really really sorry. Let time do the healing for everyone else. She doesn’t HAVE to like you OR the kid, no more than you HAVE to send your daughter there. 

 

 

pffttt....that old bat has NO business taking her pain and anger out on innocent children. They are the ones who will be hurt. It sounds like she was just waiting for some reaosn to find fault with Rainbows, and if it wasn't this , it would be something else.
Whetehr or not she has a relationship with Rainbows really is not relevant now. Whatever she has or hasn't done, the OPs son decided to stay with her and be a dad. The mother really does need to respect her adult son's choices.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, usa1ah said:

If he left...

That is also quite possible...

[emotionallybroken9]

Op, what you’re doing is fine. Like I said, I followed your story. What I’m saying is, set realistic expectations for yourself. Life just CANT go back to the way it was. It really sucks for all involved, but that’s the reality. 

You and your husbands lives were changed, so you’re dealing with the many many big changes because that’s your life. You HAVE to. So you went to therapy, fought, broke up, made a life, etc. 

This woman was an outsider to begin with. Her life was only affected emotionally, so for her, she doesn’t really have to go through the life altering steps you and your husband did. 

In the end, you learn that you can only change yourself, right? Let go of trying to appease everyone. You’re a human that f***ed up and is trying, and that’s enough. Now just put your attention on your daughter and hubby. 

 

As for why your husband stayed. We didn’t say you’re a gold digger. It’s just how reality would BE when you move out. He would lose the 100% time he has now with his kids, for what? Another woman? He wanted YOU from the beginning. He wanted HIS KIDS from the get go. If he left, he would maybe save some money if you don’t not ask for child support, get a girlfriend, but that’s all stuff that isn’t what he originally wanted: you and the kids. 

 

Focus us on your family and how to make each other happy without worrying about outsiders. They have to go through their own journies of growth, and they’ll eventually meet you again. 

 

[stillafool]

On 6/2/2020 at 3:05 PM, TheRainbow said:

My kids, especially my oldest daughter, misses her grandmother

 

28 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

op,

So she;s going to take her anger out on some innocent kids by not seeing them as much as she used to?

What an old goat. I don't think I'd want her around my kids at all if I were you. At least not until she decides to start acting like an adult.
 

Maybe the MIL is afraid she will say ugly things to Rainbow and that is why she only wants to see them when she isn't around.  Given the climate between them I think that is best.  It is no sweat off Rainbow's back, I'm sure, not to be around the MIL.  MIL's grand kids seem to love her and it wouldn't be fair to the girls to take that away from them.

[emotionallybroken9]

24 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

pffttt....that old bat has NO business taking her pain and anger out on innocent children. They are the ones who will be hurt. It sounds like she was just waiting for some reaosn to find fault with Rainbows, and if it wasn't this , it would be something else.
Whetehr or not she has a relationship with Rainbows really is not relevant now. Whatever she has or hasn't done, the OPs son decided to stay with her and be a dad. The mother really does need to respect her adult son's choices.

Yes, I 100% agree, and by that logic OP and her husband need to respect the MIL’s choices. 

From what I’ve read, the MiL isn’t taking it out on the child. She’s just treating her as that: the daughter of a man and woman who are not in any way related to the MiL. 

Not sure why she HAS to love this kid? Just cuz her son does? That’s not really fair on ANYONE. I mean, even OP left this guy MULTIPLE times, and no one forced the husband to leave. 

Respect had to go both ways. Thus, focus on yourselves. The mom is just being herself. You be yourself. Let time do the rest. 

[TheRainbow]

I know letting go of things I can't control is difficult for me. I have to let go of the outcome that my mother in law likely will never like me again. I can control my own actions and my own boundaries. 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, TheRainbow said:

I know letting go of things I can't control is difficult for me. I have to let go of the outcome that my mother in law likely will never like me again. 

I think it’s fair to say that she will probably never like you. I’m sorry.

The question becomes - will she ever do the right thing by her husband and he grandchildren. So far, the answer is clearly no. And while her disapproval of your actions is understandable, her behaviour towards her son and his children - including the innocent child that is not his child but he has decided to raise as his own - is inexcusable. 

Of course, your children want to see their grandmother. But, if she is not able to behave in a respectful and loving way towards ALL your children, I would limit her contact with all children... And, your husband should communicate that to her - whether she sees her grandchildren or not, it’s entirely her decision (dependent on her behavior).

My mother tells the story of the day my grandparents wanted me to stay for a sleepover. They wouldn’t allow my brother to stay, because it would be “too much.” She said he cried all the way home, because I stayed and he could not. That kind of “favouritism” - and my grandparents elevated this behavior to a fine art in so many ways for myself and all cousins - is very damaging to children. It damaged my relationship with my grandparents, and the favoritism they showed to some grandchildren and not others damaged the relationship between the grandchildren. I would work very hard not to let this happen, if I was you. It’s very hurtful to a child, particularly when they are too young to understand and all they want is their grandparent’s love, and attention, and approval.

Never mind, the fact that her “disapproval“ of their mother - the woman they love more than any other - will be very hurtful  and very confusing to a child. As Dr Phil says, when someone hurts their mother, they hurt the child.

Edited June 3, 2020 by BaileyB

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, TheRainbow said:

He says that it doesn't bother him, but I know it does. I feel I'm 100%  responsible

You are not responsible for him, he's a grown man capable of making his own decisions, let him be responsible for his own decisions and relationship with his birth family. If he says he's okay with it, he is. If you are feeling guilty let that go now, what's done is done and you've all moved on. 

I can understand his mother being protective of her son and angry for a while, but when someone can never forgive it's on them. Your marriage is no one else's business, if you all can make a happy family that she can't accept then she needn't be in your life until she can. You can be kind to her at a distance by simply ignoring her hostility and by letting her back into your life if she ever has a change of heart. 

Until then do family stuff without her and be a happy healthy family. That's what children need not a role model who is unhealthily negative and unpleasant.

[TheRainbow]

I told my husband that I was going to pull back and stop worrying about what I couldn't' control. I apologized again for putting us all in this situation and that I hope in time MIL will come around, and we can be cordial. But if she won't, then we'll just have adjust our expectations. 

[Dimjo9]

Hi,

Why did your H decided to stay on the marriage? What you did is horrible & disrespected him so much..

You should have voluntary separate from him & live your life the way you like it. 

He’s staying is a huge bonus for you..😂

[DKT3]

Rainbow,  she never liked you for reasons you've proven her right about.  This solidified her stance, I'm sure you're correct in assuming she will never like you. So, why keep trying? I'm guessing as far as the daughter goes, she will come around. 

Bottom line is this, toxic people can't be allowed to destroy your life, even if its parents and/or children.  Sometimes you simply have to cut them loose and love them from a distance.  

I suspect his mother ultimately believes her behavior will drive a wedge too great to overcome and she will finally get you gone. There is nothing you can ever do to be good enough for her son in her eyes. Her son, one she loves and is trying to protect from danger (you), you can prove her wrong moving forward by no being dangerous to him. She still wont like you, but there can be comfort in proving her wrong. It's late and I'm I'm about out of it, hope I'm making sense.

[TheRainbow]

14 hours ago, Dimjo9 said:

Hi,

Why did your H decided to stay on the marriage? What you did is horrible & disrespected him so much..

You should have voluntary separate from him & live your life the way you like it. 

He’s staying is a huge bonus for you..😂

I'm still asking myself this. Like I have said in previous threads, his reasons are he loves me, doesn't want our family to be separated and believes I'm a good person. I had on a few occasions asked for a divorce because I had felt guilty, and wasn't sure I wanted to be married. Each time he resisted. This last separation I just left, because it was needed. I was cold, guilty, and in my mind thought I didn't love him anymore. I had a baby with another man, and I thought before I told him for sure that would have been the end of us so I subconsciously, just emotionally distanced myself. But it didn't go the way I had suspected. He wanted the baby, and frankly I didn't want to co-parent with the other man because I never wanted to be with the other man. I got pregnant shortly before separating. I did some real soul searching, missed my husband, and my marriage. I made the choice to stop letting my own issues control my life and destroy the life of people who truly give a crap about me. My husband is one of a kind, and I will never take him for granted again. 

[TheRainbow]

34 minutes ago, TheRainbow said:

 He wanted the baby, and frankly I didn't want to co-parent with the other man because I never wanted to be with the other man. 

I also wanted to point out, in case anyone comments on it. My husband is a wonderful father, and the fact he wanted my middle daughter in his life, shows just what a great man he truly is. If he chose to walk away, I would have understood. 

[Dimjo9]

Hi,

You have an entire lifetime to show remorse.. wishing a Lady would come & swept your H away.. like “Anastacia Steele” in the 50 Shades of Grey series..

After what you have done u could have just walk away .. Vanish in the sunset & don’t look back..   ( no goodbyes ) leave everything as is for them.. Bring your middle daughter.. so your H can start all over 

Hope you will re-think your position.. They will understand too & let it be...

[TheRainbow]

2 hours ago, Dimjo9 said:

Hi,

You have an entire lifetime to show remorse.. wishing a Lady would come & swept your H away.. like “Anastacia Steele” in the 50 Shades of Grey series..

After what you have done u could have just walk away .. Vanish in the sunset & don’t look back..   ( no goodbyes ) leave everything as is for them.. Bring your middle daughter.. so your H can start all over 

Hope you will re-think your position.. They will understand too & let it be...

I could have done a lot of things. 

If I wanted to just walk away, it wouldn't be that easy. I have three kids, and I would never leave my 12 year old and 18 month old daughter behind and just take one of them with me. In what world would they understand and in what world would any sane woman do that.  

 

[usa1ah]

1 hour ago, TheRainbow said:

I could have done a lot of things. 

If I wanted to just walk away, it wouldn't be that easy. I have three kids, and I would never leave my 12 year old and 18 month old daughter behind and just take one of them with me. In what world would they understand and in what world would any sane woman do that.  

 

Cheating women have walked away from their kids. Fathers have done the same. 
 

You gave the reason he stayed earlier, he stayed because you got pregnant. He decided to make the best of a horrible situation for his kids. 

Edited June 7, 2020 by usa1ah

[spiritedaway2003]

Rainbow, I remembered you, from way back when you gave me advice. 

Your husband sounds like an angel. Understandably, not everyone has the capacity to forgive after a massive betrayal but some do or try to make the best out of a situation. I am glad you came clean and were willing to face the repercussions. I don’t doubt that it took a lot of soul searching to get to where you are.

You got some great advice here.  Ignore the naysayers here who can’t get past what you did.  At the end of day, the marriage is between you and your husband.  He knows the story and he has the agency to make the decision for himself.  Your MIL may not like you (and that’s her prerogative) but if she does it in a way that hurts your child, you and your husband should step in to protect the child (maybe the MIL should visit less frequently if she can’t keep the negativity away). It’s all part of the boundary setting that got some of us into hot waters.

Also, be wary of how guilt affects you. Don’t let it overwhelm you or be the prime driver of your decision. It’s a lot easier said than done. It seems like you are both making progress, even if the path had been difficult.  Good luck. 

Edited June 7, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Dimjo9]

9 hours ago, TheRainbow said:

I could have done a lot of things. 

If I wanted to just walk away, it wouldn't be that easy. I have three kids, and I would never leave my 12 year old and 18 month old daughter behind and just take one of them with me. In what world would they understand and in what world would any sane woman do that.  

 

Hi Rainbow,

Your H entire family members treats him differently because of what you did.. Only you can restore the respect for him by walking away silently in the night.. Your 2 kids when they come of age will understand. This is now your time to give back the kindness of your H by giving him his "walk to remember".. He might not have the courage to do hence its your turn.

When you cheated numerous time everything in a marriage is gone.. You can't turn back the hands of time & undo it... But you can free Him from the bondage of disrespect & shame by taking your WALK.. 

If you truly are sorry then show it.. quietly go away.. if you are financially capable much easier. co-parenting with your OM is not bad after all you enjoyed each other how can u be pregnant if not ?? 

 

[schlumpy]

34 minutes ago, Dimjo9 said:

If you truly are sorry then show it.. quietly go away.. if you are financially capable much easier. co-parenting with your OM is not bad after all you enjoyed each other how can u be pregnant if not ?? 

 

Hello Dim,

Would you indulge me by allowing me some insight into why you are recommending that Rainbow just disappear one day?

I've followed her entire thread and although she's done things that I personally would never accept from my wife, her husband is made of different stuff. What she has written seems to be a real and true effort on her part to make amends. To build a solid life and not just spin in place.

What are you seeing that I am not?

[Dimjo9]

On 6/2/2020 at 8:19 PM, TheRainbow said:

It's hard not to try to make things better, even though it is out of my control. From the beginning, I knew from the first day she met me fifteen years ago that she didn't like me. She didn't approve of me. I know now that she had told other family members that she thought I would be a cheap fling and that he'd move on quickly. She also accused me of trapping him when I got pregnant before we got married. I mean, I can't exactly blame her for thinking that. I wasn't precisely educated and eleven years younger than my husband, who had a career established. 

I do think her anger goes beyond just the cheating. I think combining the fact that I was never good enough in the first place for her son adds to it. I know she wishes he stayed with his ex-girlfriend. I have accepted that I wasn't her choice, and that's okay. But I'm struggling because I want to be cordial with her, I want her to be involved in my kid's life, and I really would love for her relationship with my husband to go back to how it was before the truth came out. 

Hi. Mother’s are protective of their children its a natural instinct. You could have proven her wrong & even though not highly educated its the “character” that defines a person.

Instead you did the worse.. MiL relationship with H will not go back to before as long as you are around.. 

You cheated on him multiple times & have OM child.. a normal parents with straight thinking will do the same.

Husband is already “dead” inside.. But u can still restore balance & peace by walking away. He’s so weak thats why u cheated multiple times.. he can’t do anything if you wished to go..

Don’t ask for anything the least u can do.. His biological kids will understand you going away..take the OM’s child with you to be away from H entire family. The treatment will be awful..

This will be your atonement.. years from now when your H will meet his “soulmate” he will thank you profusely..

 

 

[DKT3]

6 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Hello Dim,

Would you indulge me by allowing me some insight into why you are recommending that Rainbow just disappear one day?

I've followed her entire thread and although she's done things that I personally would never accept from my wife, her husband is made of different stuff. What she has written seems to be a real and true effort on her part to make amends. To build a solid life and not just spin in place.

What are you seeing that I am not?

I've told her from the beginning that I believe her husband prefers broken pieces.  He seems to have a savior complex. The more she messed up, the harder he tried.  His never really sees the negative impact this has on the other aspects of his life. His mother can see it. Truly loving her husband would see her removing herself because....well shes simply not good for him. 

I don't necessarily agree with it, but its sound reasoning. 

[Dimjo9]

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I've told her from the beginning that I believe her husband prefers broken pieces.  He seems to have a savior complex. The more she messed up, the harder he tried.  His never really sees the negative impact this has on the other aspects of his life. His mother can see it. Truly loving her husband would see her removing herself because....well shes simply not good for him. 

I don't necessarily agree with it, but its sound reasoning. 

Hi DKT, 

In life especially marital infidelity no parents would accept a wayward spouse.. This has to do with principle & self esteem. 
 

Even though we are not highly educated or studied in the best universities our attitude & inner character shows a lot.

Her H is already “dead” inside and lose the respect of his entire family, friends if they knew. He doesn’t have the courage to go forward, this is were Rainbow comes in.

She will have to do the ultimate sacrifice of “walking away” with the OM’s child.. leave her 2kids with the H.. MiL & others i am sure will support  & help raise them to be God fearing.

Another thing is financial burden for the OM child.. this is not the H responsibility only men without self respect will accept it. Plus the tender @ caring which the Biological dad should be doing.

If Rainbow will really decide to go she can do it asap.. with multiple affairs this Lady is “hardcore” to the bones.. By going out quietly she will save the H & give him a future..

[TheRainbow]

I'm not abandoning my children and I'm not abandoning my husband. That is idiotic. He's a grown man and if at any time he doesn't want to be with me, then we can get a divorce and co-parent like normal people. Beside if I even entertained that idiotic idea, he wouldn't sit back and let middle daughter go. He has legal rights to her and would fight me. 

[Dimjo9]

23 minutes ago, TheRainbow said:

I'm not abandoning my children and I'm not abandoning my husband. That is idiotic. He's a grown man and if at any time he doesn't want to be with me, then we can get a divorce and co-parent like normal people. Beside if I even entertained that idiotic idea, he wouldn't sit back and let middle daughter go. He has legal rights to her and would fight me. 

You can go quietly without saying “Goodbye” like a thief in the night... u did multiple cheating i am very sure u can do this too !! Your H no courage to do it.. but i have a feeling his waiting for your move.. We live 1 lifetime this is your moment .. can u still sleep soundly after what u did ??😂

[Ellener]

On 6/6/2020 at 3:02 PM, TheRainbow said:

My husband is one of a kind, and I will never take him for granted again. 

That's all that matters now, you have a happy loving husband and family, forget about the naysayers and live your life well.

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