Consequences

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

That's all that matters now, you have a happy loving husband and family, forget about the naysayers and live your life well.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm not sure about this. I believe this is a relationship that has never been stable and loving,  it began, grew and existed in pure chaos. They both feed off of the others weakness.  She feeds off of him being weak and feeling the need to save her, he feed off of her always needing to be saved, mainly from herself and her unbelievable ablity to always make the worst possible decision.  Rainbow is now becoming a healthy responsible adult and my fear is it will actually lead to the end of the marriage. 

 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

I'm not sure about this. I believe this is a relationship that has never been stable and loving,  it began, grew and existed in pure chaos. They both feed off of the others weakness.  She feeds off of him being weak and feeling the need to save her, he feed off of her always needing to be saved, mainly from herself and her unbelievable ablity to always make the worst possible decision.  Rainbow is now becoming a healthy responsible adult and my fear is it will actually lead to the end of the marriage. 

 

If it's working for them, it's working for them, that's all that matters. 

[Dimjo9]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

If it's working for them, it's working for them, that's all that matters. 

Its not working for them.. the H is already dead from inside.. Now the family members look down on him.. Rainbow can change this by taking her “walk”.. 

By removing herself from the family she will restore everything that was destroyed.. The H is so weak & without conviction.. She has to do it for him..

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

If it's working for them, it's working for them, that's all that matters. 

But the dynamic is changing,  that's the problem.  She is becoming a healthy woman who doesn't need to be saved. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Dimjo9 said:

By removing herself from the family she will restore everything that was destroyed..

That doesn't make sense, I doubt her children ( or husband ) would see it that way. 

 

[Dimjo9]

25 minutes ago, Ellener said:

That doesn't make sense, I doubt her children ( or husband ) would see it that way. 

 

Hi,

The children probably knows nothing of what she did.. 

Her H is just waiting for her to do the 1st move.. She can get out without effort if she likes.. No one can prevent her from “walking” away.. She’S used to cheating & lying.. 

The best reason is “nowhere” to go.. H has the financial security, home for her to shelter.. 

[DKT3]

34 minutes ago, Ellener said:

That doesn't make sense, I doubt her children ( or husband ) would see it that way. 

 

What dimjo is saying does make sense,  albeit extreme.  Rainbow has lived a very selfish life and has consistently put her desires above the well being of both her children and husband. Since her children are helpless to change things and her husband is too weak, she should step away in order to live a better life. It makes sense, but she isnt that person anymore, that's what he isn't seeing, just as her mother in law isnt or refuses to see. 

Edited June 8, 2020 by DKT3

[Dimjo9]

Just now, DKT3 said:

What dimjo is saying does make sense,  albeit extreme.  Rainbow has lived a very selfish life and has consistently put her desires above the well being of both her children and husband. Since her children are helpless to change things and her husband is too weak, she should step away in order to live a better life. It makes sense, but she isnt that person anymore, that's what he isn't seeing. 

Thanks DKT3.. she’s either evolving or nowhere to go.. what “Rainbow” wants “Rainbow” gets.. this is a serial cheater who used her family as shield..

She will do it again now more mature & wiser.. progressing & improving... 

[DKT3]

18 minutes ago, Dimjo9 said:

Thanks DKT3.. she’s either evolving or nowhere to go.. what “Rainbow” wants “Rainbow” gets.. this is a serial cheater who used her family as shield..

She will do it again now more mature & wiser.. progressing & improving... 

It's hard to argue this point,  which is why his mother doesn't accept her.

I personally believe she is making a great deal of progress even if it's a very small sample size. I also believe she is more likely to repeat then not. However,  she won't walk away and her husband won't divorce her for it so its pointless to continue to go over it.

Edited June 9, 2020 by DKT3

[TheRainbow]

I know I made a lot of selfish decisions that hurt a lot of people. My oldest daughter knows about my affair with the last other man, and she knows her sister is not her father’s biological father, but she also knows that her father will be her sister’s father in all the ways that count.
I don’t know why anyone would think, anyone, including myself in this situation, would think of running away and abandoning my children, and my family would be better. Better for who? My daughters would be devastated. My husband would be destroyed.

I’ve been an involved mother. I make all the appointments, make all their meals, I am there when they get hurt or want someone to play with them. Their father takes on more of the financial burden and is an involved father. Right when I told my husband the truth about my middle’s daughter’s paternity, it was him that wanted to be there for her. I was ready to move on and gave him plenty of opportunities to walk away. I was all ready to go after the other man for child support. He didn’t’ want all that. He went out of his way to make sure the other man stayed away.
He’s the only father she has ever known. And legally, the other man will never have legal rights to her. We’d made sure of it. So even if I decided to get up one day, take my middle daughter and leave, all it’d take is for him to go to court and sue for joint custody. 
 
If it at any point we get to a point where we decide to divorce, then I’ll know we both tried with both of us, especially me being at our best. I’m working on my issues, and live with a lot of guilt and shame for what I did to him. We’re working through it. We are doing better. I one hundred percent don’t believe he’s dead inside. If he were dead inside, he wouldn’t have tried so hard to keep our family together. 
 
 I’m grateful for a lot of tough love I got on here and tough love from my therapist, friends I’ve met, and so for.

[Honest_Interest]

I dont think the others were saying take the middle daughter..... it was just you should leave and carry on your wayward life you know so well....

 

Edited June 9, 2020 by Honest_Interest

[25andcounting]

I grew up with a stepfather who married my mom when I was 5 and my brother was 4.   He is a wonderful man and I was lucky to have him help raise me.   His mother never really accepted us as her grandchildren.   When my mom and stepdad had kids together it was obvious to us we were “steps”.   It kind of does a number on you.  I am close with his sister, my step aunt and her kids.   But it leaves a child feeling like what’s wrong with me.  I would never do that to a child, and she should be proud of her son for stepping in and claiming her as his own and more importantly loving her as such. 
 

Your circumstances remind me of a member on another forum I read and if that’s your husband, I will say he loves you immensely and always talks about the healing work you’re doing in the marriage.    Keep the focus on your marriage and family and let your husband manage his mom.    I’m sure all three of your daughters are living in a loving home with two parents that adore them.

[mark clemson]

Oh yes, @TheRainbow by all means just walk away from the marriage. It definitely wouldn’t be seen as the final, ultimate slap in the face or anything after all he’s been through. And by all means do it “quietly” and suddenly without saying anything. There’s absolutely no way it would make him wonder if there’s been a further infidelity or anything like that. No, he’ll figure out exactly why you did it, especially if you never warn him or explain yourself. We all know how everyone loves being “ghosted”. There’s absolutely no chance he’ll feel betrayed yet again by this. Nope - he’ll be 100% thrilled!

I guess you weren't aware of this fact, but when a WW walks, then within 30 days or so an ingénue magically appears, eager to satisfy the BH’s every sexual whim. Of course, since they are naturally both moral, upstanding people, they will swiftly marry, often within a day or two (always a fantastic idea) so the bedroom festivities can commence without delay!

Like any normal man, he will of course be absolutely delighted to trade 50% time/custody of the children he has bonded with for sex with a relative stranger. Who wouldn’t! When in time he realizes that this must be why you walked off, without giving him any notification or say in the matter, he’ll be so grateful. It’s like receiving that perfect, thoughtful Christmas gift we all cherish.

And don’t worry one bit about the kids. Naturally, the new woman will be perfectly happy to give up chunks of her personal time and aspirations to help care for 3 kids who aren’t hers 50% of the time. We all know maternal instincts peak around 19-24 - it’s a proven fact. In fact, (in between all those epic, wall shaking bang sessions) she’ll be the perfect mom, ala Mary Poppins. And a fantastic female role model to boot, for both the male and female kids to imprint upon, just like Anastasia Steele was!

It's always so surprising when I find there’s someone out there who doesn’t intuitively understand the full, factual truth of all the above points. Why, it’s almost as if they were raised in a cult or other extremely sheltered environment and have little grasp of how the real work actually works. Or possibly they simply have a hard time distinguishing fantasy from reality.

At rate Rainbow, whatever direction you decide to take – your way, or the right way (as just described) I wish you the best of luck.

Edited June 9, 2020 by mark clemson

[usa1ah]

On 6/8/2020 at 8:18 PM, TheRainbow said:

I know I made a lot of selfish decisions that hurt a lot of people. My oldest daughter knows about my affair with the last other man, and she knows her sister is not her father’s biological father, but she also knows that her father will be her sister’s father in all the ways that count.
I don’t know why anyone would think, anyone, including myself in this situation, would think of running away and abandoning my children, and my family would be better. Better for who? My daughters would be devastated. My husband would be destroyed.

I’ve been an involved mother. I make all the appointments, make all their meals, I am there when they get hurt or want someone to play with them. Their father takes on more of the financial burden and is an involved father. Right when I told my husband the truth about my middle’s daughter’s paternity, it was him that wanted to be there for her. I was ready to move on and gave him plenty of opportunities to walk away. I was all ready to go after the other man for child support. He didn’t’ want all that. He went out of his way to make sure the other man stayed away.
He’s the only father she has ever known. And legally, the other man will never have legal rights to her. We’d made sure of it. So even if I decided to get up one day, take my middle daughter and leave, all it’d take is for him to go to court and sue for joint custody. 
 
If it at any point we get to a point where we decide to divorce, then I’ll know we both tried with both of us, especially me being at our best. I’m working on my issues, and live with a lot of guilt and shame for what I did to him. We’re working through it. We are doing better. I one hundred percent don’t believe he’s dead inside. If he were dead inside, he wouldn’t have tried so hard to keep our family together. 
 
 I’m grateful for a lot of tough love I got on here and tough love from my therapist, friends I’ve met, and so for.

I thought the only reason he stopped the divorce is because you got pregnant, by accident. So he decided to stay. 
 

[usa1ah]

On 6/8/2020 at 6:54 PM, Dimjo9 said:

Its not working for them.. the H is already dead from inside.. Now the family members look down on him.. Rainbow can change this by taking her “walk”.. 

By removing herself from the family she will restore everything that was destroyed.. The H is so weak & without conviction.. She has to do it for him..

Here is the problem, she doesn’t work. She will take over half of his income in alimony and child support. What type of life would he have afterwards. A hole in the wall apartment that the kids couldn’t visit him at. No money to possibly meet someone else. Then you would have OP dating different guys all the time bringing them around the girls. 
 

I really can understand why he stayed. He would of had to support her in his house while other men came and went out of it or she remarried. OP already said she was ready to walk. 

Edited June 10, 2020 by usa1ah

[DKT3]

Thier relationship really seems more symbiotic than a loving respectful one. If you followed her story from the beginning its actually pretty simple.  Beautiful young woman working in a strip club to make ends meet. In walks an older established man with the promise of a better life. Early in her time here she admitted she didn't love him, and acted accordingly.  She did as she pleased, had little to no remorse and guilt all the way up until she walked away and attempted to make a go alone. It was then she started to reconsider her past and what the future looked like, lasted a few months then she was back with her husband and all in.

That being said, she has put in the work and is noticeably a better healthier person today. Problem with symbiotic relationships is changing the dynamics eventually makes the relationship redundant. 

[TheRainbow]

7 hours ago, usa1ah said:

I thought the only reason he stopped the divorce is because you got pregnant, by accident. So he decided to stay. 
 

The pregnancy was ultimately what stopped the divorce correct. But after I realized I didn't really want a divorce, since I'm the one that intiated we got back together. 

[TheRainbow]

 

5 hours ago, DKT3 said:

That being said, she has put in the work and is noticeably a better healthier person today. Problem with symbiotic relationships is changing the dynamics eventually makes the relationship redundant. 

Honestly, that is a concern we have. For the last couple of months, things have been very calm. There are no worries of other men, lawyers. I'm doing virtual therapy sessions, and we are spending a lot of time at home because of Covid-19. He's working from home, and I'm strongly considering looking for another job soon since I was laid off and had no idea when I'll be rehired. That's beside the point.  

We have discussed the past a lot. He admitted he doesn't know exactly what attracted him to me, besides being young, pretty, and according to him, a good personality. I believe the only reason we made it to marriage is that I got pregnant with my oldest. We weren't trying. If anything, we were focusing on keeping together an already fragile relationship. But the point is, I do know divorce is always a possibility. Not because we don't love each other, or necessarily because I had multiple affairs, but because our marriage has always been in chaos and beside my mother in law, right now we aren't in turmoil. It's a take one day at a time. 

[Ellener]

All relationships are 'symbiotic' @DKT3

@TheRainbow stop looking for problems! This is exactly why I don't believe honesty is always the best policy, if what someone is doing is trying to make things right, clean slate etc. The best way to do that is what lead to your troubles- live in the moment. You've made a happy healthy family now live with that!

6 hours ago, TheRainbow said:

It's a take one day at a time. 

Always the best way.

You don't need our advice, you're doing great in the grand scheme, you need to let go of your feelings of guilt.

[DKT3]

I'm talking true animal kingdom symbiosis, where they use one another without any attachment.  In actuality most relationships (healthy one) are cooperatives.  

[ahmed8xm]

You all of your affairs started at work???????

 

[TheRainbow]

2 hours ago, ahmed8xm said:

You all of your affairs started at work???????

 

Yes they all started at work. That is why my latest job, I made sure my immediate supervisor was a woman and I would be looking at any future jobs where there is primarily women. 

[ahmed8xm]

23 hours ago, TheRainbow said:

Yes they all started at work. That is why my latest job, I made sure my immediate supervisor was a woman and I would be looking at any future jobs where there is primarily women. 

What your husband said about this.?

I mean its definitely a trigger.

And btw a little advice

You need to work on your boundaries with men 

You cant just say you will work with woman. Because with men you there is a chance you will stray.this is not a long term solution.

And there's one more thing i wanna ask

If i remember correctly in your first posts

You filed for divorce and told him you need to grow a spine or back. 

You thought that he was weak for wanting to be stay with you.

So what you think of that(him fighting for marriage) now?

 

 

[usa1ah]

On 6/9/2020 at 10:32 PM, DKT3 said:

Thier relationship really seems more symbiotic than a loving respectful one. If you followed her story from the beginning its actually pretty simple.  Beautiful young woman working in a strip club to make ends meet. In walks an older established man with the promise of a better life. Early in her time here she admitted she didn't love him, and acted accordingly.  She did as she pleased, had little to no remorse and guilt all the way up until she walked away and attempted to make a go alone. It was then she started to reconsider her past and what the future looked like, lasted a few months then she was back with her husband and all in.

That being said, she has put in the work and is noticeably a better healthier person today. Problem with symbiotic relationships is changing the dynamics eventually makes the relationship redundant. 

I had read her other post. Another take would be she left and realized she lost the advantages of the marriage. Then played nice nice and got back with husband. 

[understand50]

Rainbow, is a self centered selfish woman who should not have gotten married. OK, she did, and they have children.  If we believe that people can change, and if we believe that other can forgive, we must look at this situation from that lens.   First, and foremost, there is children involved.  Yes the middle child is not his, but if he has bonded, and accepted her, then her well being is part of any decision to stay and try and make it work.  Remember she is the wholly innocent  here.  IF is hard form some here, to understand why the BS here would raise another mans child.  Well, because he bonded, and he loves her.  Case closed.  I do not know if I could have done it, never was in that situation, but I would like to think in all of this I would take large account of the child's well being.

Rainbows, track record is frankly not good here.  Here actions going forward is what is going to count.  If they were 10 or 20 years down the line from this, she could point to that as a record.  She, and they, just starting. I do not doubt her in that she has made a change, and that she is committed to do here part in making this work.  Again, time will tell.  

I wish them luck............