vla1120 Posted June 2, 2020 Share Posted June 2, 2020 My entire relationship with my husband is posted on here - from the two times I left him (for being controlling and abusive), to the times I've gone back to help a dying man, etc. (LONG story short, he had stage III cancer when I met him. We married (too) quickly because he had no health insurance (and I did.) He quickly showed his controlling behavior and tried to come between me and my daughters, etc., but he is estranged from his son, and his family is back in Greece. I am literally the only person who cared enough to help him (all of his own doing, I realize.) Unfortunately, I have overactive empathy and just decided I could not abandon him in the end - BUT, I got back involved with him on MY terms. About three weeks ago, we put him in home hospice care. When the lock down started in March, I made the decision to stay with him in his apartment because of his deteriorating health. After years (almost 6 years to the day) of dealing with his mistreatment and not understanding why he simply didn't treat me better if he wanted me to stay involved, I think he FINALLY caught on!! He has treated me like gold. I wish our relationship could have been this way for the full six years. The thing I WASN'T prepared for was to see this larger-than-life, testosterone-laden man who was organized, methodical and meticulously controlled at everything he did turn into a delirious, confused, frail and afraid man. He is having bouts of delirium that we initially thought were from too much pain medication. Now hospice is telling me it is the disease progressing and she believes he is in the "pre-active stages of dying." I thought when we put him on home hospice, it would be at least six months, if not a year or more, because of how much of a strong fighter he has been through this illness. Now I find myself sleepless, sad, and trying to cope with the inevitable, which is happening much sooner than I expected or was prepared for, especially since he has been a dream to deal with since November. We never went more than three weeks without a huge fallout. Now, we've gone 7 months without as much as a slight disagreement. Why couldn't the first 5.5 years have been like this? I realize he came to the conclusion that he was out of options and it was either suck it up and be nice to me, or die alone. It's a shame he didn't learn that lesson earlier. I just wanted to share that sometimes situations CAN change. I am glad I am here for him at the end. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 2, 2020 Share Posted June 2, 2020 (edited) It's likely something about the illness that changed him and his brain, though. You have a lot invested in him and you did way above and beyond. I imagine he also realized he was very dependent on you as he began failing and found motivation to treat you better. You know, abusive people pick and choose who they're abusive to. Otherwise, they'd never be able to keep a job. But I'm glad you got some good times with him and sorry now it's ending. The good times hopefully made it worth it to you. You've been a saint to do all you did. Try not to do that with anyone else, though! Going forward help yourself or people who don't treat you bad. Hugs. Edited June 2, 2020 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author vla1120 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Share Posted June 3, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, preraph said: Try not to do that with anyone else, though! I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR, preraph!! When this is all over, I've decided to focus on myself 100%! My daughters are grown and thriving. They don't need me anymore. I am going to stay single and take care of MYSELF for once in my life!! Thank you! Edited June 3, 2020 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 You don't have to stay SINGLE single, unless you just want absolutely nothing to do with men. You can date, have fun, just don't put yourself in a position of taking care of another guy again 🙂 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 On 6/2/2020 at 6:05 PM, vla1120 said: It's a shame he didn't learn that lesson earlier. It is. Hope you are coping ok. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 I think you ought to be single for awhile and give yourself some time to breathe and follow your own path and recover. But hey, I know some people just aren't happy alone. Got a friend like that. Link to post Share on other sites
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