Is he over his ex girlfriend?

[Kassie12]

My boyfriend has been with his ex for 6 years, and broke up 1.5 years ago. Yet, they were still texting and possibly sleeping together every now and then. This year we met and the relationship progressed quickly. He cut her out of his life immediately without me asking, but they remain on good terms. He seems to be absolutely crazy about me. He tells me that his past relationship should’ve ended a lot sooner than it did and that he felt he couldn’t be himself around her, but it isn’t like that with me. He shows me in so many ways that he’s crazy in love with me. 
 

however, I’ve had some issues believing he’s over his ex. The first sign was that he’d bring her up randomly in conversation, and it bugged me. I didn’t tell him until I found a bunch of photos of her on his phone - obviously they were together for 6 years so of course they have a lot of memories together. However, we fought about him deleting it and eventually he did delete it because he realized it was disrespectful. I also told him to stop bringing her up in conversation, which he did. 
 

Yet, he mentions places he used to go with his ex and how we should go there - he doesn’t know I know they’ve been there together. It could possibly be because he’s been practically everywhere with her so it’s just with her by default; but it still annoys me. It also is hard to believe someone can get over that long of a relationship in such a short period of time, and he JUST stopped speaking to her right when he started dating me.

 

Is he not over his ex girlfriend? Am I over reacting? Signs that makes me think he wants to be with me is that he makes a huge effort (I have emotional issues and mental health issues and he’s been supportive of me going to therapy), I met his parents, he’s with me practically everyday, he wants to move in with me, etc. He plans out a future. 
 

He is also a very educated person (he’s in medical school) so he’s not one to make dumb decisions and doesn’t come off as. A liar. But why do I have this gut feeling that hes not over her? Am I just overly jealous? 

[kendahke]

Yes.

Quote

 

However, we fought about him deleting it and eventually he did delete it because he realized it was disrespectful. I also told him to stop bringing her up in conversation, which he did.

Yet, he mentions places he used to go with his ex and how we should go there

 

You're nitpicking.

He's done what you asked. He can't spin the earth backwards to before he decided to start dating her and going to places where they both lived and on that tip, you're being wholly unreasonable. He didn't hatch the day you met him.

You need to take this up with your therapist. You might not be ready for a relationship with someone who's lived in your town and had a life there before you met them.

Quote

- he doesn’t know I know they’ve been there together.

How do you know this?

Edited June 3, 2020 by kendahke

[smackie9]

He's being thick headed...he is so oblivious to it because it's so natural for him to mention her. He thinks it's ok...especially if you don't say something about it. You have to gently tell him that it's time to move on from her, put those memories away and create new ones. If he is in disbelief, ask him how would he like it if you brought up your ex in those types of conversations, like you would like to go here..you had your first date with your ex there, and you recall the food was really good. I think he will get the gist of it.

I don't think your feelings are not justified....hell I think I can count on one hand the times that I mention an ex, in the 30 years I have been with my husband.

Edited June 3, 2020 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

You are right to be vigilant but you are over reacting.  There are a finite # of places to go.  Of course you & he will repeat places.  

I'm on decent terms with all of my Exs.  I still have photos of them; I'm old so they are actual pictures not digital ones.  IMO your BF didn't need to delete the pictures but it would have been nice if he saved them to a flash drive.  Having them is not a problem.  If he was constantly looking at them that would be another story.   If I bump into my Exs I say hi, make a few minutes of small talk then go on my way.  It's called being civil.  A complete break up does not always warrant scorched  earth.  It does require severance of intentional contact.  

Ask him to stop talking about her.  If he managed to do that.  Be happy.  Heck I made my husband go to the funeral of my dead EX's mother.  

No matter what his future with you she will forever be part of his past.  The 6 years they spent together happened.  She was the HS & college GF if he's in med school now.  You don't erase that history.  As long as it's just an occasional mention, I think you are safe.  There was 1.5 years between her & you.  

[preraph]

It's his favorite places, places he wants to share with you.  You are very insecure to think a guy shouldn't take you somewhere they have been before with a woman!  

 

As far as the ex goes, I'm sure he will take her into consideration for whatever limited purpose if they both end up single again.

[Kassie12]

8 hours ago, kendahke said:

Yes.

You're nitpicking.

He's done what you asked. He can't spin the earth backwards to before he decided to start dating her and going to places where they both lived and on that tip, you're being wholly unreasonable. He didn't hatch the day you met him.

You need to take this up with your therapist. You might not be ready for a relationship with someone who's lived in your town and had a life there before you met them.

How do you know this?

I meant places to travel - out the province, out the country - he travelled a lot with her. Why take me to the exact city where you went with her? Why not somewhere new?

 

i agree with you though that I may be unreasonable 

[Kassie12]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are right to be vigilant but you are over reacting.  There are a finite # of places to go.  Of course you & he will repeat places.  

I'm on decent terms with all of my Exs.  I still have photos of them; I'm old so they are actual pictures not digital ones.  IMO your BF didn't need to delete the pictures but it would have been nice if he saved them to a flash drive.  Having them is not a problem.  If he was constantly looking at them that would be another story.   If I bump into my Exs I say hi, make a few minutes of small talk then go on my way.  It's called being civil.  A complete break up does not always warrant scorched  earth.  It does require severance of intentional contact.  

Ask him to stop talking about her.  If he managed to do that.  Be happy.  Heck I made my husband go to the funeral of my dead EX's mother.  

No matter what his future with you she will forever be part of his past.  The 6 years they spent together happened.  She was the HS & college GF if he's in med school now.  You don't erase that history.  As long as it's just an occasional mention, I think you are safe.  There was 1.5 years between her & you.  

What if they didn’t sever contact? They don’t talk to each other daily, but they did just before they met me. Now they keep in touch every few months. 

[Kassie12]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He's being thick headed...he is so oblivious to it because it's so natural for him to mention her. He thinks it's ok...especially if you don't say something about it. You have to gently tell him that it's time to move on from her, put those memories away and create new ones. If he is in disbelief, ask him how would he like it if you brought up your ex in those types of conversations, like you would like to go here..you had your first date with your ex there, and you recall the food was really good. I think he will get the gist of it.

I don't think your feelings are not justified....hell I think I can count on one hand the times that I mention an ex, in the 30 years I have been with my husband.

Thank you, you seem to understand. I did mention it and he did say that it would make him jealous, hence the reason he stopped bringing her up and deleted all her photos. He said he understands where I’m coming from.

 

Yet, there are small things where I know he’s thinking about her. Like when he wants to visit a city that is near where she lived - 4 hours away. 
 

one time he flat out said something comparing my breasts with hers. I know I’m not in the wrong here. I know this is only his 2nd relationship but he is either a dummy whose oblivious how to act in relationships, or he’s still into her and doesn’t consciously know it. 

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, kendahke said:

Quote

- he doesn’t know I know they’ve been there together.

How do you know this?

 

[d0nnivain]

Quote

 

If you are only his 2nd relationship , I'd go with clueless.  He loved her & he thinks because of that they have to stay in touch forever.  It's naïve but not adulterous. You can keep gently tugging him back but don't pull too hard or you will get defiant resistance. When you ask for him to distance himself from her, he's trying.  Give him some credit for that.  When she gets a new BF this will fade even more.  

 

[smackie9]

9 hours ago, Kassie12 said:

Thank you, you seem to understand. I did mention it and he did say that it would make him jealous, hence the reason he stopped bringing her up and deleted all her photos. He said he understands where I’m coming from.

 

Yet, there are small things where I know he’s thinking about her. Like when he wants to visit a city that is near where she lived - 4 hours away. 
 

one time he flat out said something comparing my breasts with hers. I know I’m not in the wrong here. I know this is only his 2nd relationship but he is either a dummy whose oblivious how to act in relationships, or he’s still into her and doesn’t consciously know it. 

You can't expect miracles over night. BUT for me I would have walked a long time ago. Stop wondering if he is into her or not and focus on how you are being treated....if I had a BF that compared my breast to his ex's, that would be deal breaker for me. It would be over right then and there.

Edited June 4, 2020 by smackie9

[FMW]

10 hours ago, Kassie12 said:

one time he flat out said something comparing my breasts with hers.

That's the thing I would have a serious problem with. Honestly, he does sound pretty clueless. 

She was a big part of his life for 6 years, so it's something you will have to deal with occasionally.  Experiences from our past come up in the normal course of conversations.  But going forward, immediately bring it to his attention if you feel he's bringing her up unnecessarily or too often.  If you're important to him, he'll stop, as it seems he already has to some extent.  

If it doesn't improve, you'll have to decide if you're willing to continue to deal with it or if you need to let him go.     

[IHaveAnswers]

Bottom line, words do not come out of people's mouths that they are not thinking. That means if your boyfriend is talking about that woman, he is THINKING ABOUT THAT WOMAN. When he was looking at your breasts, HE WAS THINKING ABOUT HER BREASTS. No matter how much you think he loves you, there is a real issue here in that he has NOT gotten over his prior relationship. Sadly, most men never get over their first love and if the situation ever presents itself for them to get back together, they drop whoever they are with and run back to her because that is who has his heart. 

Basically, you are competing with a ghost from his past. Nothing I'd advise doing. 

[ShyViolet]

I think you are being really insecure and over-analyzing things.  You asked him to stop mentioning her in conversation, so he did.  You asked him to delete the pictures, he did.  What else do you want him to do?

It bothers you when he talks about wanting to visit a city again that he's been to before, with her.  Even though when he says it he does not bring her up.  So now he's not allowed to talk about cities that he's visited before, if he visited them with her?  That is a little ridiculous.  Maybe he really liked visiting San Francisco and would like to go there again someday.  It doesn't have to have anything to do with her.

[Kassie12]

On 6/8/2020 at 1:29 AM, ShyViolet said:

I think you are being really insecure and over-analyzing things.  You asked him to stop mentioning her in conversation, so he did.  You asked him to delete the pictures, he did.  What else do you want him to do?

It bothers you when he talks about wanting to visit a city again that he's been to before, with her.  Even though when he says it he does not bring her up.  So now he's not allowed to talk about cities that he's visited before, if he visited them with her?  That is a little ridiculous.  Maybe he really liked visiting San Francisco and would like to go there again someday.  It doesn't have to have anything to do with her.

Update: he just asked me if he could talk to her again to ask her about her personal life. Is this a sign he’s not over her? Why would he ask when he knows it bothers me? What does he plan to do once he finds out what’s going on with her life...ask again in another 6 months? Expectations to be in regular contact? I don’t get it

[Kassie12]

On 6/3/2020 at 6:49 PM, d0nnivain said:

You are right to be vigilant but you are over reacting.  There are a finite # of places to go.  Of course you & he will repeat places.  

I'm on decent terms with all of my Exs.  I still have photos of them; I'm old so they are actual pictures not digital ones.  IMO your BF didn't need to delete the pictures but it would have been nice if he saved them to a flash drive.  Having them is not a problem.  If he was constantly looking at them that would be another story.   If I bump into my Exs I say hi, make a few minutes of small talk then go on my way.  It's called being civil.  A complete break up does not always warrant scorched  earth.  It does require severance of intentional contact.  

Ask him to stop talking about her.  If he managed to do that.  Be happy.  Heck I made my husband go to the funeral of my dead EX's mother.  

No matter what his future with you she will forever be part of his past.  The 6 years they spent together happened.  She was the HS & college GF if he's in med school now.  You don't erase that history.  As long as it's just an occasional mention, I think you are safe.  There was 1.5 years between her & you.  

He literally asked me if he can speak with his ex again and catch up on her life. It hasn’t even been a long time they haven’t spoken - maybe 5 months. I don’t see what he wants to get out of this. You either stick to a new relationship or go back to your ex

[d0nnivain]

With the advent of social media people have this idea that if they don't stay connected with EXs in some manner they are bad people.   It doesn't mean they want the EX back but it does make everything murkier.  

Especially in young people if this is an early relationship they can't fathom not having the EX in their lives.  That person was all they knew about relationships & there is probably a shared history beyond the relationship.. . .shared friend groups, memories of going to school events etc.  

In your shoes I would explain to him that you are not comfortable with him reaching out.  Ask him what he hopes to gain from this. Ask if he's satisfied with your relationship.  Assuming he says yes, ask again why he feels compelled to catch up with an EX. 

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by d0nnivain

[schlumpy]

You will have to hold him at arms length. He is not over his EX and that puts the relationship in an untenable place for you.

Your approach could be to blatantly point out how is obsession with his EX is ruining the relationship, but that may only push him underground and right now he's out in the open. It's always better to know what you are facing than not.

I would consider feeding back to him exactly what he's feeding you.

You must have EX's also. Insist on going places where you have been other men and talk about it.

He may see what is happening when you hold up the mirror or it might blow up your relationship which seems likely anyway.

It's your call.

[Kassie12]

On 6/18/2020 at 9:26 AM, schlumpy said:

You will have to hold him at arms length. He is not over his EX and that puts the relationship in an untenable place for you.

Your approach could be to blatantly point out how is obsession with his EX is ruining the relationship, but that may only push him underground and right now he's out in the open. It's always better to know what you are facing than not.

I would consider feeding back to him exactly what he's feeding you.

You must have EX's also. Insist on going places where you have been other men and talk about it.

He may see what is happening when you hold up the mirror or it might blow up your relationship which seems likely anyway.

It's your call.

Thank you confirming that this isn’t normal and that this may be a sign he’s not over it. He makes it seem like I’m the one with issues but hearing other people agree with me that this is weird and this is something to be cautious about...I know now that it isn’t me. 

[Kassie12]

On 6/18/2020 at 9:21 AM, d0nnivain said:

With the advent of social media people have this idea that if they don't stay connected with EXs in some manner they are bad people.   It doesn't mean they want the EX back but it does make everything murkier.  

Especially in young people if this is an early relationship they can't fathom not having the EX in their lives.  That person was all they knew about relationships & there is probably a shared history beyond the relationship.. . .shared friend groups, memories of going to school events etc.  

In your shoes I would explain to him that you are not comfortable with him reaching out.  Ask him what he hopes to gain from this. Ask if he's satisfied with your relationship.  Assuming he says yes, ask again why he feels compelled to catch up with an EX. 

 

Exactly what I asked. I have no idea what he wanted to gain out of it. He simply stated that he just wanted to know how she is and I asked him whether he would keep continuing to “want to know”, to which he said no....makes absolutely no sense. He has nothing to gain from it but everything to lose, unless of course he doesn’t value our relationship / is unhappy / wants a relationship with her instead. It makes no sense because he can just leave if that is the case, I’m not begging anyone to stay ever. 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Kassie12