Scared of starting over at 50

[Onlyjust]

My marriage ended this year, we were together for 22 years and it came as a huge shock. My whole world revolved around him. I didn’t want it to end, our relationship hadn’t been working for a while but I was willing to try and work it out. My husband had already decided it was over (I think he had met another woman) and he didn’t want us to be together anymore. It was only after we separated that I realised how controlling he was and how much he used to make me feel that I was stupid. I made a lot of mistakes that I am unable to forgive myself for. I have lost everything, my home, my husband, my confidence and my whole life. I hate myself, I don’t know what to do with my life or what I want. I miss him and my old life, I feel like I am grieving and I don’t know why because he treated me badly. I struggle to get through each day and I can’t seem to find a way forward in my head but I need to move forward with my own life - how can I do it?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS, been down that road, in my 60's now, first couple years were tough but by 52-53 things got better and it freed me up to do other things in life. Marriage was good, overall, and I've noticed I tend to remember the high points and forget the rest of the stuff. I'm now at the point I can't even remember names in my ex-spouse's family and we were in contact all the time. Weird how time and memory work.

My advice is something our MC shared with me as a tool back when we were working on things, to focus on one success each day, no matter how small, and draw energy and positive feelings from it. It's OK if the rest of the day goes to hell, one valuable thing went well. Over time one builds on that. I still use the tool to this day when having a bad day, lately during all this virus and riot stuff. Works great.

[FMW]

I'm sorry you're feeling so lost.  I was married for 23 years and my divorce became final when I was 51.  I was the one to file, but that was following years of unhappiness and his multiple infidelities.  I guess I'm lucky - the humiliation of the reality of our marriage pushed me to the point of being ready to move forward into a new life by the time I filed.  

Even so, it was difficult and unsettling for several years.  It's still not a pleasant memory, but one I've learned to live with now.  I felt like a failure, I felt stupid for basically turning a blind eye for a long time because the thought of dealing with the huge change of divorce and related feelings of embarrassment and failure was not something I was ready to face.  I suffered the feelings of loss and grieved that loss during the final years of my marriage, before I got to the actual divorce stage.

It's good you're able to see the negative parts of the marriage now.  It's normal to grieve, it's normal to miss your old life.  But my guess is what you are really missing is the security and stability of being with someone you had known for so long, that even though things weren't good you knew what to expect.  Starting over at 50 is daunting.  Yes, you've lost a lot - but you have also gained a world of new options and opportunities.  You just aren't ready to embrace that yet. 

Have you tried counseling?  If in person counseling isn't available again yet, check into other options by telephone or video conferencing.  You don't have to commit to anything more than one session, see if being able to lay out everything and getting direct one on one feedback might help you work through this tough transition.

I've been divorced 4 years now.  I made a few missteps while getting through it but I'm happy with my life now.  When I look back at my marriage now it kind of seems like a dark cloud from which I was able to move forward and finally enjoy the sun.

Hang in there, time really is a great healer, although I know that doesn't sound like much help to you now.       

[NHV]

Our papers were filed two days after our 30th anniversary this May.  I was not prepared for the rawness.  The sheer, gut punching, sense of loss.  I've gotten through the initial fog by allowing myself to grieve, leaning on my support network of family and friends, lining up two counselors, and making plans.  Also, knowing when to get up and move.  A day or two crying on the couch is okay, several is not.  I forced myself to get up and workout, take a walk, garden.  It made a huge difference for me.  I may cry while doing these but I'm productive and usually I feel better afterwards.  

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

On 6/3/2020 at 6:07 PM, Onlyjust said:

It was only after we separated that I realised how controlling he was and how much he used to make me feel that I was stupid.

I made a lot of mistakes that I am unable to forgive myself for.

I have lost everything, my home, my husband, my confidence and my whole life. I hate myself, I don’t know what to do with my life or what I want. I miss him and my old life, I feel like I am grieving and I don’t know why because he treated me badly. I struggle to get through each day and I can’t seem to find a way forward in my head but I need to move forward with my own life - how can I do it?

I am so sorry that you are feeling so lost.  However, divorce also has a grief process much like losing a loved one.  You need to let yourself go through that process no matter how long it takes.  But you also need to remember exactly what you just said in your post - that your husband was controlling and how he made you feel stupid - and use those feelings as a push to move forward.  That is what I have done...I was kept from going places or experiencing things that I wanted to do, so the first thing I did was make a bucket list of those activities and places.  And in the times I have felt sad or lost, i have focused on going to those places so i can start crossing them off.

If someone loves you, they should never make you feel stupid...remember that.  You need to forgive yourself, as I am sure that the mistakes you made you probably made out of love.  Try to be easy on yourself and take some time to figure out who YOU are without him.  It won't happen in a day or a week...but it will happen.  

[d0nnivain]

It's going to take time.  You have to grieve this huge loss. 

I make lists of what I want to do.   Start thinking about who you want to be.  Make plans to do that.  Start small.  

Do get some exercise & sunshine every day.  

[preraph]

I think it's healthy that even being away this short time, you are already realizing how toxic he was to your self-esteem.  It's always hard to make big life changes.  But honestly, change is usually for the best.  Once you get past the grieving, which is normal, you will start to be more yourself, the part you had to tamp down to please your husband before.  You can really be you and won't have anyone to compromise with or coddle or walk on eggshells around, and I bet you will be happier in the long run.  I don't advise trying to meet more men anytime soon.  You need to rediscover yourself, the part of you that no one is trying to influence or control.  That will make you stronger.  

 

And like Donnivain said, it is SO important to make yourself get out and do things and not get into a rut.  Reconnect with friends, go visit relatives and try not to only think or talk about the breakup.  I'm sure there are many things you couldn't do before that you can now.

Edited June 7, 2020 by preraph

[Chinook]

Hi I’m a little over a month late to this discussion so I hope it feels a little better by now. I myself had posted A LOT here at LS in my late 30s and in the very early days of my relationship and marriage to my xH. When I look back on those posts I see a panicked silly girl who was committed but gullible. Now, 10 years later at 50, it’s all over & the difficulty is... looking at my earlier posts it would seem I didn’t learn anything. Not this time. I don’t have the luxury of time this time.

That said it’s taken me 21 months to awaken from my stupor of fog, despair & grief. I didn’t turn a blind eye, I just didn’t know what went wrong, until I stared reading and educating myself. The word ‘narcissist’ gets bandied around a lot these days, but I believe my xH (& his brother) is a pathological sociopath with NPD traits. I cannot write some of the details of what happened to me due to how traumatic it was. I was medicated and treated for C-PTSD.

Now, I’m growing angry. How dare he do this to me, pick me up, use me and discard me, for no other reason than he could. He has gone now and it will be a cold day in hell before I piss on him even if he’s on fire. The progress is slow but steady. The fog of denial & depression is gone and anger is here, slowly I’m moving forward to acceptance. With the help of reading, writing, my two dogs, meditation, exercise and work 🙂

[JT2020]

It has helped me hearing your painful experience I have been married for 30 years we have grandchildren my husband and I were separated during lockdown and he met and fell in love with a woman 17 years younger than him in 1 month .i am getting a divorce and feel my marriage was a lie if he could move on so fast. We were happy and had planned to buy our dream retirement home by the sea.

i feel sad and lost and have many supportive friends and family but I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. 

I hope that this stage does not last too long because at 55 don’t want to waste more of my life .

[RK2020]

Hi Onlyjust,

I don't have much to offer beside what I been through and doing currently. I'm divorced for 1 1/2 yrs. from the 23 yrs. marriage and 30 yrs. together. Yes I was the one who asked for this divorce but nevertheless less hurt and lost. On the top of all this, his anger is getting the best out of him therefore he's very vengeful. All aspect of my life, I need to piece together bit by bit because  1) since I became a mother, my responsibility were my kids, home, family and homeschool my kids and the rest were his and 2) with this divorce, he's either withheld info or make it unnecessary difficult for me. I daily remind myself that, at our age, it's time to love ourselves and care for ourselves especially if we have not done so in the past. It's also a way to show my gratitude for being alive, such a precious gift. For now and for a while the journey will begin with sadness, loss, sorrow, disappointment, anger..etc. All these are lessons for us to learn from to move forward in life. I even tell myself "fake it until I make it." Yes been said it too many times but it will work, only if we allowed it. Everyday I go out to walk rain or shine. There are days after the walk and shower, I still feel lousy. Then on those days I said to myself "it's the way my body is saying -give some love and care to myself. Be kind..be gentle. We will try again tomorrow. What also helped are journaling anything in my head and heart, reading anything I come across on the net, meditate or just to be still in silent beside doing my exercise and yoga. I do intentionally invest in myself nowsaday. If you asked me, the most important investment in life

Baby steps..if not be still  

[nodramallama]

You're going to be ok.  Really.  I divorced at 49 and met my new husband at 51.  For me, the key was to do the things that made me happy AND find the things that I always wanted to learn, but didn't, for whatever reason.  I met my husband on a mountain bike trail, and he's 10 years my junior.  Go be you and indulge in everything that makes you YOU!!!  There is so much hope out there.  Go find it!!!  ❤️

[Beyond Broken]

On 7/31/2020 at 1:24 PM, RK2020 said:

Hi Onlyjust,

I don't have much to offer beside what I been through and doing currently. I'm divorced for 1 1/2 yrs. from the 23 yrs. marriage and 30 yrs. together. Yes I was the one who asked for this divorce but nevertheless less hurt and lost. On the top of all this, his anger is getting the best out of him therefore he's very vengeful. All aspect of my life, I need to piece together bit by bit because  1) since I became a mother, my responsibility were my kids, home, family and homeschool my kids and the rest were his and 2) with this divorce, he's either withheld info or make it unnecessary difficult for me. I daily remind myself that, at our age, it's time to love ourselves and care for ourselves especially if we have not done so in the past. It's also a way to show my gratitude for being alive, such a precious gift. For now and for a while the journey will begin with sadness, loss, sorrow, disappointment, anger..etc. All these are lessons for us to learn from to move forward in life. I even tell myself "fake it until I make it." Yes been said it too many times but it will work, only if we allowed it. Everyday I go out to walk rain or shine. There are days after the walk and shower, I still feel lousy. Then on those days I said to myself "it's the way my body is saying -give some love and care to myself. Be kind..be gentle. We will try again tomorrow. What also helped are journaling anything in my head and heart, reading anything I come across on the net, meditate or just to be still in silent beside doing my exercise and yoga. I do intentionally invest in myself nowsaday. If you asked me, the most important investment in life

Baby steps..if not be still  

But how on earth do you become happy with yourself?

[d0nnivain]

32 minutes ago, Beyond Broken said:

But how on earth do you become happy with yourself?

You focus on your own good qualities & build from there.  You find things that center & calm you like prayer, mediation or mindfulness.  You get a little exercise every day because movement & sunshine release positive endorphins into your system.  Once you feel a stronger you work to improve those things you don't like about yourself.  Together all that work leads to happiness.  

[Fletch Lives]

Get involved with friends, family, work, activities, dating, and life. Counseling can help too. In time, you'll get over it and feel good again.